Tell it to the turtle

I'm not even gonna talk about the game. I can't rehash it; it just depresses me. Instead, I'm going to try to talk about something even more awkward: why it took me so long to come to terms with--and embrace--my sexuality.

See? Awkward.

All right, let's hit it. I did not realize that I had weird feelings toward girls until I was sixteen--but as I've said before I had had crushes, on Jewel Staite and this girl in my Girl Scout troop when we were in sixth grade. (Shh, I don't think I've ever told anyone that.) Anyway, when I was sixteen--that was when Ryan told me he was gay, so I was like, "Uh, sometimes I think girls are pretty," but that's as far as I could go. And then I started doing, like, gay-related things with Ryan, and everyone would always ask him, "Is your friend gay?" and that pissed him off for some reason--I don't know--but it didn't really bother me. I was like, "Sometimes I like girls," but I have an abiding loathing for the term bisexual, because (this is all my own opinion, people) it just seems like what you call yourself when you're too afraid to admit to being gay. That's most likely mostly untrue--but that's what I get from it, and that's why I was never like, "Oh, I'm bi." (That just makes me crazy, "bi.") Labels are retarded most of the time, anyway, and I was like, "Whatever, who cares."

But before I even got to this point, I was always like, "I'm not gay. Girls can be tomboys without being gay," and it, like, prevented me from enjoying things that belonged in the stereotypical domain of lesbians. Because I also have a deep, abiding loathing for sexual/racial/gender stereotypes, which is part of the reason that I got so mad when Shannon told me her boyfriend has a swastika tattooed on his chest. But anyway, the one thing that I never really let myself admit to enjoying, because it was too gay, was... Well, the Indigo Girls. And this was stupid, but I was convinced that I had to be not gay, because if I were gay, I'd just be another dyke stereotype, dressing like a boy, playing sports, building Legos and shunning dolls, and I didn't want that.

Now, the thing here is this: I love the Indigo Girls. "Closer to Fine" is a song that I feel like I have always known the words to, and any time I hear it, I just feel instantly comforted. It makes me think of the best parts of my childhood, when my family was happy together, and my brothers and I would make up ridiculous games in the basement while we listened to our parents' CDs. I don't know when, really, I became aware of the whole lesbian issue, but it quickly put a damper on my ardor, because I also became aware that lesbians were often girls like me. I went through a teeny-bopper phase, which I think is required of nearly every American teenage girl, and then I started listening to, like, the Dave Matthews Band and Weezer and all that straight boy rock. (Don't get me wrong--I love Weezer, and I do still enjoy the Dave Matthews Band, sometimes.) But I forced myself to shut the door on the lesbian folk rock. Just because I didn't like to wear dresses, and I wanted to play football instead of talking about which boys were cute did not mean I did not think boys were cute. I should have applied that to my music collection--just because I listen to dykes does not make me a dyke!--but for some reason, that logic didn't follow. So I went through high school talking about boys with my straight girl friends and talking about girls with Ryan, who loved to hear it just as much as I loved to hear him talk about boys, I expect.

Then several things happened. Almost by accident, I caught the totally charming episode of Once & Again wherein little Jessie Sammler (Evan Rachel Wood) realizes she has romantic feelings for new bff Katie Singer (Mischa Barton (!)). It was so sweet, the way it played out, that I experienced that heart-hurting thing, and I was kind of like, "Huh. I got really invested in that, didn't I," and it kind of set me thinking further. Then I went to college, where I didn't really have to worry about how people perceived me, because we were all brand new to each other. And also, Kelly Clarkson won the first season of American Idol. No, really. I developed such a massive crush on her that I started wondering, not only if I was really interested in girls, like really, but also if I was really just pretending to be interested in boys. As it turns out, I was. And when I made friends at college, they knew pretty much right away that I dug girls, because it wasn't something new I had to find some way to bring up--it was just how I was when they first met me.

Still! I resisted, like, declaring myself gay until I was twenty-one. I was still not ready for that. Then I really can't say what happened, but I stopped caring. I was like, "Fuck it, I am gay. I am so gay, and people might as well know that about me, if they care." Because, seriously, I am so gay. If you've been reading this blog for any period of time, you know what I mean. And if you know me in real life, then you extra know what I mean.

So, iTunes keeps playing the Indigo Girls, perhaps in an effort to cruelly taunt me with reminders that I'm not going to get to see them and Brandi live for a very long time, but it got me thinking about all this nonsense. It wasn't until junior year that I even got back into them, because Carlos and I had a radio show during which we only played female artists, and our friend Jen requested "Shame on You," and I was like, "Whoa. The Indigo Girls. How have I been neglecting them for so long?" And so I've been thinking about this for years, how I tried to shove away certain things that were just too gay so that I would not become a stereotype. But stereotypes have a basis in reality, and I mean, you can't say all lesbians are the same, of course, but it's fun to embrace the stereotypes, to make fun of yourself, to try to take the power to hurt that homophobes have.

Also, I was not ever afraid of the reaction of others if I decided to declare myself gay. I don't really care what other people think of me, but at the same time, I have always been rather private. That's why I didn't tell anyone when my parents split up--it was just none of their business. And so I believed it was none of anybody's business if I wanted to kiss girls. I was only afraid of admitting it to myself. Once I did that, I was like, "I'm gay, motherfuckers! Suck on that!" It's not something I go about broadcasting anywhere other than this blog, but if anyone asks, I tell them.

I tried to write this entry after I saw Brandi and the Indigo Girls in August, because that's when all of these feelings really coalesced into a thinkable thought--into something I could maybe articulate, but I couldn't. I still feel like I haven't explained myself clearly at all, but the important things are this: the Indigo Girls' first album is strongly associated with the happier memories of my childhood, and the fact that I pushed them out of my life is something that really bothers me about myself.

The other important thing is this question: Amy or Emily? And can you guess my answer?