Tugging her collar like it might be a noose

So. You know how people will say “aks” for “ask”? They’re not that wrong. That used to be the spelling and pronunciation of the word. Ugh, and there’s a linguistics term for when two letters get switched that I can’t remember, but that’s what happened to ask. It used to be aks; then the k and the s got switched, and now we say ask. What I don’t understand is why that hasn’t happened with the spelling of Wednesday. Does anyone actually say “Wed-nes-day”? No. Everyone switches the n and the d, so we get Wends-day. I know Wednesday comes from some Norse god—Woden, I believe—and that’s why it’s spelled that way. Methathesis! That’s the word, for when you flip consonant sounds. Now I can’t find confirmation of that ask—aks story, because apparently, ask comes from the Old English ascian, which I kind of remember learning, but why would Dr. Chaika lie to me? Maybe it got methathesized to aks in Middle English, then back to ask for Modern English. I do feel like the aks thing happened in some Middle English text we were reading rather than an Old English one. Okay, so I found it in Chaucer, so I didn’t make it up. So I think the moral of this story is that for as long as the word “ask,” has existed in English, it has been methathesized to aks. So stick an effin’ sock in it. Lemme aks you a question!

Why don’t we spell Wednesday the way we say it? Because it is too late to revise spellings? The dictionary has standardized the English language! Standardized spellings did not exist until, like, the 18th century! Madness! So did they say Wednesday in the 18th century? When did it get methathesized to Wendsday? These are things I need to know but don’t feel like looking up! I need a minion/research assistant. I’m sure there’s a grant for that.

In Futurama, a thousand years later, it has methathesized back to aks! It’s a frickin’ yo-yo! I’m in a glass case of emotion! I…don’t know. Er, next!

Here is the one full-on country song that I LOVE: “El Paso” by Marty Robbins. I love it so much that if I had any kind of musical talent, I would play it in coffee shops. And I would go back to El Paso just to play it there. And, uh, to see Carlos. But! It commits a sin worse than being a full-on country song. The song has a first person narrator, right, and at the end of the song, the narrator dies. I hate that shit! Then, who, exactly, is telling your story, Mr. Cowboy-Outlaw Man? I love that song, though. I really do. I feel I have done some serious growing during the past year or so since I have graduated college. Now I can love things in spite of the fact that they do things that irritate the holy hell out of me! Like “El Paso,” Brandi Carlile (in spite of her suspected illiteracy), and Kelly Clarkson’s song “Don’t Waste My Time.” I am all mature and shit now. Woo! I rule!

Let us rejoice, shall we? For I do not have to work tonight! But I have some major cleaning to do. Which might be even less fun.