I haven't done this in a while

So I got a request to write a blog post, even though I've been updating pretty regularly lately, but I'm agreeable, so I agreed, but instead of writing a post, I went to go look at Nintendo DS games. I miss Dr. Mario. I wish they had that for the DS. I did find this though! Almost as good as Dr. Mario for the DS. In fact, it's better! Because I could play it at work!

Anyway, the point of this blog post was supposed to be lists, so here are some lists.

Top ten most embarrassing songs in my iTunes library:
1. Crazy for This Girl - Evan & Jaron (Oh the shame. It's just so catchy.)
2. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
3. Call Me When You're Sober - Evanescence (I hate Evanescence, but Mike and I used to hear this at the bar all the time, and it was fun to wail along with it.)
4. I Turn to You - Melanie C.
5. Does Your Mother Know - Abba
6. Anytime - Kelly Clarkson
7. Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) - Beyonce (I have no idea why I love this song, because the lyrics and the message are abhorrent, but gosh darnit, it's fun!)
8. My Dad Is Rich - Draco and the Malfoys (Oh yes. Wizard Rock is embarrassing.)
9. Always Be My Baby - Mariah Carey
10. Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers

Top ten favorite words*
1. betwixt
2. halfwit
3. obdurate
4. nozzle
5. bananas
6. corroborate
7. blerg
8. faggotry (used only by the gays and those who love us)
9. weegeltons
10. scrumtrilescent
*Not so much because of what they mean, but because of how fun they are to say.

Top ten favorite meals
1. chicken pad thai
2. sushi and edamame
3. pizza and buffalo wings
4. pork chops and applesauce
5. spaghetti and meatballs
6. bacon cheeseburger and french fries
7. oysters, steamed muscles, and clam chowder
8. grilled cheese and tomato soup
9. steak burrito and beer
10. barbecue chicken flatbread pizza

My stupid cat has fleas, and I couldn't even get him to sit still so I could put the flea medicine on him, so half of it may have missed, and I had to vacuum everything and do more laundry, and I feel like ass. Frakkin' animals.

Things I want to eat

Sushi: California roll, spider roll, dragon roll, rainbow roll, tuna with avocado roll
Cheesy gordita crunch
Crunch wrap supreme
Nachos with fake cheese
Nachos with real cheese
Macaroni and cheese
Cheeseburger
Burrito
Guacamole (only if homemade or from the Cheesecake Factory)
Ribs
Mashed potatoes

I would also like to feel better in time to go to a motherfucking Red Sox game. I have a whole month. Oh lord. If I'm not better in a month, I'll probably be dead.

On the back of a cartoon coaster

So. On Wednesday I went to Canada for the first time ever. It involved a lot of driving. Luckily I had a navigator.
Yes, this trip involved so much driving, in fact, that I showed up on Allison’s doorstep with a sunburned left arm. Um, if you’re not following me, I always drive with my left arm hanging out the window if it’s not freezing or pouring, and I was wearing a t-shirt, so… Eleven hours of one arm being exposed to the sun means hideous, lopsided sunburn.

Then I proceeded to spill burrito juice all over my t-shirt once we’d procured me some nourishment after my fatiguing drive.

Fortunately, things only got better from there. Having one brown arm and one white arm is still weird, though.

Thursday started out AWESOME, as immediately upon walking into a sushi place, I saw motherfucking Adamo Ruggiero, right there, waiting for his take-out order. Tiny gay Marco from Degrassi, people, standing right in front of my face. And then apparently, Lauren Collins walked in to meet him, but I DIDN’T SEE HER, and it was the heartbreak of my life. When they left, the waitress was in my way, and I could have cried. Lauren Collins is so awesome as Paige Michalchuk. So. Awesome. But I saw tiny gay Marco in the flesh! And that was certainly cool enough.
The rest of the day was spent wandering around Toronto and staring at it from high in the air, in the CN Tower, which looks like the Canadian version of the Space Needle. And made me want to actually get off my ass and work out when we’re going to Seattle this summer. Anyway. I took some pictures up there, and it was fun. I love being high above the earth.
After I had had my fill of staring at the ground from 1400 feet in the air, we made fun of various Canada-branded things in the gift shop, and I bought a $4 lemonade that was just delicious, and a squirrel walked over my hand! And got it all dirty! I thought squirrels were afraid of people. Stupid Canadian squirrels, getting my hand all dirty. And me without my anti-bacterial hand-sanitizer.

And then we found this thing:
And spent some time taking stupid pictures in front of it.
On Friday we went to Centre Island and read books out in nature for a few hours. I read pretty much the entirety of the fourth Traveling Pants book, and Allison read, like, twelve pages of The Neverending Story. Then it was time for dinner from a hot dog cart and Prince Caspian, which I kind of loved despite the fact that it changed pretty much every single thing from the book, but I’ll get into that later. You know I will.

There was also a lot of drinking taking place that I have glossed over. And a very serious drunk conversation about why I can’t write and why the Iraq War is fucked. I mean, what else would you talk about while you’re blasted?

Saturday was recovery day, for we’d both become gimped after all the walking we’d been doing, so we just lay around and watched internet things until we got hungry. I kept falling asleep on the couch and generally being a very bad houseguest, but all those nights of drinking had taken their toll on me.

Sunday was another eleven hours in the car, and it rained the whole goddamn time—until I returned to New England, which makes it clear that New England is the only place to live. As much as I admire Canada for things like gay marriage and free healthcare, and as much as I rage and storm and bitch about this country, the United States is my home, and even if John McCain becomes our next President, I’m not leaving.
Although, on the serious, please don’t let John McCain become our next President.

And now it’s time for a postcript!

Oh my god, I have to tell this story, even though I am pretty sure it’s only amusing for me. But! I shall plow on. Somewhere on the way to Toronto—either at the beginning of the New York Thruway or the end of the Mass Pike—I got cut off by this bulldozer of a woman in a silver Subaru* with New Hampshire plates and a rainbow cat sticker on the back bumper underneath an overpass for Dyke Road. Just as I was going, “What the fuck, dyke-o?” I looked up and saw the sign and just laughed and laughed and laughed. Dyke Road! That that exists at all is fun enough for me. I wish I could have taken a picture.

*I actually have no idea what kind of car she was driving, but I thought I’d just make it as gay as possible.

PPS:
Arguably, the greatest thing about Canada is its overwhelmingly awesome selection of junk food not available in the United States. Mostly, I am speaking of their chip selection, and specifically I wish to talk about these beauties:
Yes. Jalapeno and cheddar Doritos. One of the greatest ideas for a Doritos flavor if you ask me. And I checked on Frito-Lay’s website, just to be sure, and these bastards are not available within a 50 mile radius of Nashua, New Hampshire. Heartbreak! I know they’ve been putting out all these fancy new flavors of Doritos even over here lately, but they all suck—except for Smokin’ Cheddar BBQ, but I can no longer find those anywhere. Why don’t we have better junk food than Canada, America? This is the land of fat people! Make it happen.

Going overboard

Um, I have a problem.

Top ten fruits!
1. pineapples
2. McIntosh apples
3. blueberries
4. blackberries
5. strawberries
6. oranges
7. raspberries
8. watermelons
9. cantaloupes
10. pomegranates

Top ten fast food items!
1. Cheesy Gordita Crunch (Taco Bell)
2. waffle fries (Chick-Fil-A)
3. hash browns (McDonald's)
4. egg and cheese croissant sandwich (Dunkin' Donuts)
5. hash browns (Burger King)
6. chicken sandwich (Chick-Fil-A)
7. beef supreme chalupa (Taco Bell)
8. classic double with cheese (Wendy's)
9. chicken nuggets (Chick-Fil-A)
10. Mint cookies 'n creme milkshake (Chick-Fil-A)

Top ten most disgusting vegetables!
1. peas (out of the pod)
2. mushrooms
3. asparagus
4. brussles sprouts
5. lima beans
6. cauliflower
7. kidney beans
8. beets
9. squash
10. turnips
I wanted to include olives, but I think they're a fruit. I effing hate olives.

Just to show you that I'm balanced:
Top ten least disgusting vegetables!*
1. corn
2. potatoes (potatoes are a vegetable for this exercise)
3. broccoli
4. carrots
5. peas (in the pod)
6. onions
7. peppers
8. tomatoes (tomatoes are also a vegetable for this exercise)
9. celery
10. cucumbers
*It was actually easier to come up with this list than the most disgusting list.

Top ten soundtrack albums!
1. Legally Blonde: The Musical
2. Shrek 2
3. Rent (Broadway version)
4. Chicago (film version)
5. The Little Mermaid
6. Juno
7. I Am Sam
8. The Sound of Music (film version)
9. The Nightmare Before Christmas
10. Brokeback Mountain

And now some edits:
Top ten songs!
1. Carey - Joni Mitchell
2. Down with Disease - Phish
3. Downpour - Brandi Carlile
4. Least Complicated - Indigo Girls
5. Addicted - Kelly Clarkson
6. Hotel Song - Regina Spektor
7. Polyester Bride - Liz Phair
8. Michelle - The Beatles
9. The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson
10. Heavy Metal Drummer - Wilco
Honorable mentions: I've Just Seen a Face - The Beatles; Right Through You - Alanis Morissette; The Ghost of Corporate Future - Regina Spektor

Top ten Brand Carlile songs!
1. Downpour
2. The Clock
3. Closer to You
4. Somewhere Along the Way
5. Hiding My Heart
6. How These Days Grow Long
7. A Promise to Keep
8. My Song
9. Room for Me
10. The Story
Honorable mentions: Fall Apart Again, Late Morning Lullaby, Pride and Joy, Have You Ever

I find it entirely charming how Brandi used to introduce "My Song" by saying, "Now we're gonna go ahead and bring the rock." Adorable.

Last night, I watched 10 Things I Hate About You, because dead Heath Ledger bummed me out, and he's funny in this one. So is Allison Janney. Whatever happened to Larisa Oleynik? I miss you, Alex Mack. I can't decide if I think Julia Stiles is pretty. Gabrielle Union should not play a ditz--that's beneath her. Joey Gordon-Levitt (or, probably Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I'm sure he prefers now) will always be the kid from Angels in the Outfield.

Hiding in my own confusion

You know what I find odd? A lot of people don't like milk. Like, they'll put it on their cereal or in their coffee or whatever, but apparently, I am in a minority of people who like to just drink it straight. And, like, I love milk--especially with peanut butter. Peanut butter is so sticky that I can't eat it without milk--milk is the only thing that will satisfactorily wash down peanut butter. But I also just drink milk with dinner sometimes. My mother used to make us, and Jeff haaated it, but I usually drained two glasses at dinnertime, because I can't get enough. I even drank milk with dinner at college sometimes, if the mood struck me, because there was something weird about Providence water, and fountain soda never tasted right--although, I think I just ended up getting used to it after four years. And then when we had the apartment with a kitchen, so I could cook for everyone, I usually ended up drinking juice. But there was always milk in the house--and not just for cereal. Or for drinking with chocolate chip cookies. Oh! One time, I made chocolate chip cookies from scratch with my bare hands, because my roommates and I really wanted chocolate chip cookies from scratch, but we didn't have a mixer (what college senior would even need an electric mixer?) So I used a wooden spoon and the awesome power of my right wrist instead. It took forever, but it was worth it in the end. And, I mean, the pre-made cookie dough is fine for baking cookies, but the fun part of making chocolate chip cookies is eating the raw dough, and homemade raw dough is so much better. It's worth the risk of getting salmonella.

So anyway, I love milk, and I'm weird. Apparently. I really was not even aware that anyone other than my brother was not a fan of milk until I went to college. What a weird thing to be naive about.

I have a confession to make: there is one Brandi Carlile song I have decided I just don't like. But one out of, like, sixty? That's not bad odds, right? I was also never a big fan of "Sixty Years On," but that's not her song, so I won't lose any sleep over that one.

But speaking of Elton John, I watched his episode of The Muppet Show a few weeks ago, and oh my, at one point he was wearing this sparkly pink jumpsuit that was just far too tight. I think I actually said, "This man is almost too gay to function." Sorry, Elton, but Freddie Mercury was far better at being weird and gay. I wish I'd been hip to Queen before Freddie Mercury died, but I was just a tiny child when he did--at the age of seven, I was not hip to anything. So what would be better is if Freddie Mercury were still alive. That would be great. So...are we going to cure AIDS or what?

In other news, I have a demon cat:
Last winter, I bought the best pair of fingerless gloves at Target for, like, eight bucks, and of course I lost one of them, like, in January. I love fingerless gloves, y'all, because I usually hate wearing something that covers my hands, because then I feel all clumsy and stuff, but if the tops of my fingers are free, I am suddenly magically not as clumsy. And they keep your fingers mostly warm, even with the holes. But I loved these gloves, and I will never be able to find that pair again, because clothes are different every year, and I think that is retarded. I want those gloves back, dammit. I also lost the other glove, too--or maybe I just threw it away. Because what good, exactly, is one fingerless glove?

I was going to take this opportunity to bitch about the heinous day I had at Bath & Body Works yesterday, but I think that would be a waste of energy. It was horrible, but I did get the back room miraculously cleaned up and somewhat organized, to the delight of all the important people who work there. Now I just need to sleep for a week, and everything will be fine.

Flotsam, jetsam, and White Stripes videos

Okay, so I've been DVR-ing America's Next Top Model, and I just now got around to watching it, and I am just amazed that the dumbest girl on the show, Mila, is the first and only reality television show participant to use the word literally correctly. She did, too, saying the contestants, who were on a cruise ship, were all "in the same boat--literally." True dat, motherfucker.

Hurrah for Dustin Pedroia, too, y'all. I knew he'd be AL rookie of the year. If Theo lets Lowell get away, at least I still have Dustin and Josh, right? That doesn't mean I won't cry. Also, I really wonder what will happen if, for some reason, Theo buys A-Rod, because it appears that all of Red Sox Nation hates that guy. It would never work, bringing him to Boston; he'd never be part of the team--and if Boston fans hate you, and you're on their team, you're not going to be having any fun. And I'm not going to be having any fun. If Lowell gets away, we'd best end up with Tejada or Cabrera or anyone who is not Alex Rodriguez. Who's playing third base in Pawtucket? Bring his ass up. (I love to say "Pawtucket," but it is not a lovely place. Though I do miss driving through it for three seconds on the way back to Providence. Oh, Rhode Island, I do miss you.)

Sigh. You know, when Trot Nixon left, I was sad, because I loved him, but he was kind of crapping out. Mike Lowell is good! Keep him for four fucking years! Why is that so difficult? Stupid money. It ruins everything.

Speaking of which, I've decided that one day I am going to buy a Mac Book instead of an iMac, but I don't really have $1300 to drop on a computer I don't technically need, since the Dell still works. Oh my god, I've had that thing for three years now. That's the longest I've owned any piece of fancy technological equipment. But I really like Macs now. I used to hate them with the fire of a thousand and seven suns, but now they're all pretty and fast and easy to use. PCs are still easy to use, and I still know more about manipulating Windows than I do about OS X, but so many things can go wrong with Windows that I've never encountered on a Mac. Plus, Vista blows goats, yo, and Leopard may not be as amazing as Steve Jobs wants you to think it is, but still better than Vista. I wonder if we'll get to upgrade to Leopard at work. I hope so.

Do you know what I hate? Vh1. It manages to play music videos more often than MTV does, but it plays the same four videos over and over and over: that stupid Maroon 5 video where Adam Levine kills a guy or whatever (I hate Maroon 5--I only saw them that one time at Lupo's because they were touring with Jason Mraz, and Jason played first that night, and somehow (aka because of construction on 95 South) we missed it), that Colbie Caillat video, whatever Fergie's new monstrosity is (at least it isn't "Big Girls Don't Cry" anymore), and some Fallout Boy (?) video. Would it kill them to incorporate a little variety? Also, could they not show that Maroon 5 video once an hour? Christ. Though I did see Regina Spektor's video for "Better" this morning (or yesterday morning...), and I love it. But, really, what bogusity. Or bogusness, if you prefer. There are a bazillion music videos to choose from, and they have maybe twelve in their rotation.

Speaking of music videos, I have two favorites of all times: one is the White Stripes' video for "Fell in Love with a Girl," because it's made out of Legos:

And two is Kelly's video for "Since U Been Gone," because she has really pretty (fake) hair in it. And she's dressed like a boy in the parts where she's destroying her ex's apartment.

Y'all, don't eat Mexican food in New England. Even if it's allegedly prepared by actual Mexicans. There's no such thing as good Mexican food outside of Mexico or the Southwest. (I imagine--I've never been to Mexico, but I have been to the Southwest.) Which means I simply must go back to Texas, because I have a wicked hankering for some enchiladas and a good chile relleno, which is, like, the most impossible thing to find here. The restaurants up here ostensibly serve chile rellenos, but they're never delicious. Actually, I think I had the best chile relleno ever in New Mexico, so perhaps I should go back there, too. And then I should go to Old Mexico, because that's where all the deliciousness came from in the first place. But it's easier to go to Texas if you don't have a passport. Also, I miss my sweet potato like it's nobody's business. And his mama makes some pretty good enchiladas.

No one loves macaroni and cheese like I do

It's true. I will eat any form of mac 'n cheese. From the Ray. From Kraft. Homemade by yours truly with a recipe from Rachael Ray (who is not the Ray--the Ray is a place). Even deep fried mac 'n cheese! Even deep fried mac 'n cheese from the Ray! Delicious. So, obv, when I go to New York in, like, three weeks, my friends are getting dragged here. Even though I have no idea where the East Village is in relation to where we are staying. Details, details. This is a restaurant that only serves macaroni and cheese, people! How can I not go?