The girliest thing about me is my enjoyment of Bath & Body Works products

I went back to Bath & Body Works last Friday because I wanted to buy a candle, and the White Barn candles they sell are the best candles around, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that they updated the candles, so they sell all the signature Bath & Body Works smells as small, medium, and large candles instead of in just one frosted glass, medium-ish sized jar. So I bought the coconut lime verbena one, because that is far and away the best Bath & Body Works smell, but this is not really the point of the story.
The point of the story is that the theme of the month was apparently promoting the different families of smells, which were "the sexys," "the romantics," "the freshes," and "the cuddlers." Hilarious names, first of all. Second, moonlight path, the worst Bath & Body Works smell, is included in "the cuddlers" family, and girl, no one is gonna wanna cuddle you if you're wearing that smell, except your grandmother. Believe it.

Also, Mike's boyfriend works at Bath & Body Works down in Georgia somewheres, and he had to do a floorset on Sunday night, and oh, the sense of relief that I won't have to deal with that bullshit ever again was so delicious. David was heading off to work at 5:00 p.m., and I was still sitting on the couch in my pajamas, playing Super Paper Mario. That's what Sunday nights are for. I bet it's not that bad in other stores, though, because seriously, the Bath & Body Works at the Pheasant Lane Mall is quite possibly the largest Bath & Body Works of all time, and it makes changing the store around a grueling, thankless, hideous experience. Especially when the Devil was running the scene.

I miss the 30 percent discount, though, because $9.50 for a four ounce candle? Highway robbery!

And the navel-gazing continues

While I'm somewhat loath to apparently be turning this blog into a dream diary, I keep having the most troubling dreams that I need to exorcise, so feel free to skip this one.

Anyway, last night I had a dream that my parents got back together (somewhat reluctantly? No one was particularly happy about it, and in fact my dad was not present in the dream at all) and bought a gigantic old house that was allegedly in New York City, even though, uh, New York City is not known for its gigantic old houses. But, you know, that was obviously not the weirdest part of the dream. So we all moved to this house, and I was lodged in the attic, and Tommy was lodged on the first floor, and Jeff was somewhere in between, I guess, and I remember very clearly what the downstairs of this ancient mansion looked like, but I'll be damned if I could actually describe it.

So we're living in this house, and my parents are still working at their New England jobs, and this all seems so very real, and I begin to panic, because how am I supposed to get to my job? Did I quit my job? Should I be looking for a new job? Then I remember that I moved out with Mike, and I have a place in Nashua, and apparently I'm just here in New York to see the new family pad. Then my mom comes home and pulls out this day-glo bottle that looks like Gatorade or something but turns out to be rodent poison gel, because apparently the house had a rat problem? The rats weren't in my dream, thank god, but now I am recalling the giant rats we saw outside the dining hall senior year. Ugh. So I express my concern for the animals that aren't rats in the house, namely Charles Wallace and for some reason, my dad's dumb dog, and my mom gives me this look, so I amended it to "animal," because we clearly both hate the dog, which is fucked up, but it isn't so much about the dog as, you know, my dad's wife. Which is the only tangible thing that ocurred in this dream that I can point to as evidence that my parents weren't, like, enjoying being back together. Because my parents are not supposed to be back together, ever.

So I was so nervous during the dream, and it all seemed so real, like I could touch the floorboards of the attic, and I was trying to figure out what the fuck was going on, and I couldn't until I remembered about my new house. I didn't wake up from that dream--it went away, and I woke up at 5:00 when Mike's stupid alarm went off, and but I still felt so much better to be awake, in my apartment, with parents who don't have any intention of reconciling for any reason ever.

Ugh. My dreams suck these days.

I don't go to sleep to dream. Dammit.

Oh my GOD, I had the worst dream ever this morning. I was back in college, and for some reason, I'd skipped, like, two weeks of class just before midterms, and I might have missed the midterms, but I was too freaked out to check my syllabuses to see if I had indeed missed midterms or handing in papers or something, so I was just gonna wait until I had class again to find out what I had missed, and then in the middle of this, I just started fuh-reaking out, and I knew, in the dream, that there was some reason this would be all right, that this hadn't actually happened or something, but I couldn't calm myself down.

Then my cat knocked over everything on my bedside bookshelf, and I woke up. And I was like, "Oh yeah. You know why it's gonna be all right? Cuz I graduated. Three years ago, suckas!" God, that was such sweet, sweet relief.

All of that happened in the middle of a larger, even more bizarre dream about my having to destroy rings with gemstones that contained evil spirits, but I don't remember enough of that mess to tell you a coherent story about it. Plus, the midterms thing was way scarier. God! Skipping two whole weeks of class and not even keeping up with the syllabus! Who DOES that???

Wisdom

Oh man, I got the best fortune cookie yesterday. It was actually a fortune! It said, "You need to forgive that person today. Just believe me."

"Just believe me," like the fortune cookie is alive. That's some pretty sweet anthropomorphizing there.

Except, who do I forgive?

I want this

I would have totally bought it five seconds ago, if not for the price.

"The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind and another, his mother called him 'wild thing,' and Max said, 'I'll eat you up!' so he was sent to bed without eating anything."

A list

1. New England Aquarium & Union Oyster House
2. batting cages (locate indoor ones in New Hampshire)
3. Zoolander
4. meatballs
5. Julie Andrews
6. Battlestar Galactica
7. unwise purchases at certain clothing and/or lotion stores

Items will be added as needed. Hopefully, nothing needs be subtracted. Suggestions welcome.

Angry and boring part eleventy thousand

Here are some totally boring pet peeves of mine:

I hate whatever fool decided that numerals in titles of things precede the letter A when lists of titles are being alphabetized. That is ridiculous. The numerals always have a corresponding lettered form, you know? So. The 40-Year-Old Virgin goes where, children? Where does it go?

With the Fs. Next.

I also hate the notion that anyone would alphabetize their collection of books by title. Like, no. It has to be organized alphabetically by author. What a mess it would be otherwise! Um, mostly this bugs me because whenever I log in to librarything, my collection is organized by title, and the titles that have numbers in them are first, and then I have to fix it myself. Stupid! You would think the one place that could get this right is a website full of crazy-ass booknerds. Sigh.

OMG, did you know that if you google "since you went away" grey's anatomy song my stupid blog is the first thing that comes up? Just in case my stupid blog didn't help you find your answer, intrepid googler from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, (sometimes I love Canada) the song's "What Can I Say" by Brandi Carlile. You're welcome! Wee!

Funny things I read today

I forgot about Rich at fourfour. He also posts hilarious Top Model recaps:

"[Tyra:] 'It's a message for everybody. Shiny fabric is not your friend!' Luckily, this being a reality show, shiny fabric isn't here to make friends." (Clearly, the gays have the Top Model market cornered.)

I love a girl who laughs at monkeys:
"I find that most things are funnier live. Except for monkey's sniffing their own butt and falling out of a tree. That's the only thing that translates. When you see monkeys scratching their ass and falling out of a tree live, you laugh, and when you see them on YouTube, you laugh." --Amy Poehler

Oh, little J:
"Taylor Momsen should smack whoever authorized that shag; she also might want to think about relaxing, wiping off some of that eyeliner, and simply being 15 instead of trying to leapfrog into her late twenties. Dakota Fanning should take her bowling." --The Fug Girls

Unintentional humor:
"My name is Diana, and I care." --A former classmate's away message

Okay, this is not so much funny, but I just discovered that Kenley actually said she doesn't listen to Tim Gunn Wednesday night. Oh, that is the mortal sin of Runway. And it's usually the death knell. Why is Kenley still there?

Things I don't need

Who loves me enough to buy this for me?

Another dream diary entry

Oh my god. I keep meaning to tell Allison this story, because she's the only person I know who watches So You Think You Can Dance (and is in fact the reason I started watching it), but I always forget, so she's gonna have to hear it here. Maybe.

Anyway. Some nights ago, I had a dream about Cat Deeley, the awesomest host of a reality show ever. At the beginning of the dream, someone in my family had brought her over to set her up with my uncle (except that...none of the other people in my dream were actually members of my family--it was like I had a whole different dream family, which was so weird), so we all went out to dinner at a restaurant in downtown Nashua that only exists in my dreams. This whole thing was more surreal than dreams usually are, in that none of it was based in reality whatsoever. There wasn't a single person or place in there that I actually knew, and yet in the dream it was understood that these people were my family, and this place was in Nashua, right at the top of Main Street.

Okay, so really, the point of this story was that at some point during dinner, I started getting all friendly with Cat Deeley, and she sat herself down in my lap (!) and then later asked me to marry her (!!). I don't even know what my response was, but I remember feeling some dream guilt because I was seeing someone. What? It is a dream, and Cat Deeley is on my lap, and the dream me decides I have a girlfriend so I can't go for it?

The dream me is weak.

Irrational fears and board games

Do you know what makes me super uncomfortable? Playing a game you don't know how to play with a bunch of people who have been playing this game, like, their entire lives. Seriously, just thinking about it makes me break out in hives, because I have a deathly fear of making a mistake in front of people. And when you're playing a game that for everyone else around you is second nature, it's easy to make a mistake and get PUBLICLY RIDICULED for it, because to them it seems so easy. But to you, you're all confused. And I fear nothing more than looking dumb in front of people. So much so that I'd rather just lose than risk making an incorrect play. Let me learn the game first! Then I will kick your ass.

This is not to say that I do not do the EXACT SAME THING to people who are trying to learn a game I can play in my sleep. I never pretended I wasn't a hypocrite.

In other news, since summer is almost over, I'm trying to compile a playlist of summer tunes. What're your faves for summer? Um, if anyone is still reading this anyway. Maybe if I really want input, I should find more direct ways of contacting people...

If anyone says "I Kissed a Girl," she dies.

In transition

Some things about this month are just no fun. Chief among them is my mysterious cold/possible sinus infection that doesn't really inhibit my breathing, but it makes me cough and sometimes feel light-headed. And sometimes my ears feel clogged. But I think it's getting better. So...I've been kind of a Debbie Downer this month cuz of that. I think I'm feelin' happier.

Today I got to see Jen, and we went to Newport, and I got Del's frozen lemonade, and oh that did wonders for my mood. Then I got to talk to Jess, albeit briefly (for a conversation with Jess, anyway), and we just may be able to do our Pirates marathon and go to Canobie Lake before the end of the summer.

And then! My grandparents called me today, but I missed the call. I wonder what they want. Hopefully they want to see me Labor Day weekend. That would be good.

This is, like, the lamest blog entry ever, but I got sick of not updating. So I guess I'll just post shiz like this until I get back into the swing of things. Bear with me, the three of you. Please?

Self-censorship

Sometimes there are things I need to say, because saying them or writing them--getting them out of my own head somehow--makes them real, makes me feel like they're not just my imagination or that I won't choke on them any longer. Sometimes these things are best not shared with the entire internet. What do I do with them then?

Start a diary? What am I, eight?

Twitter-style thoughts that won't actually fit in Twitter

I should work where Kat works. Apparently, she can access facebook at her office. I used to be able to, but then some IS nerd cottoned on. I bet she can get youtube there too…

On Saturday, I will finally hand in my passport application. I just have to take some snazzy photographs—snazzy enough to be able to book a modeling job with them. Can’t say Tyra Banks never taught me anything.

Next time I mail something to Canada, I think I will supply my own box. That will cut down on time spent in the post office trying to wrangle their roll of packaging tape. In fact, it will probably eliminate that facet of my trip to the post office altogether.

I still have entries on imaginary girlfriends numbers one and two to write, but since I’m the only one who cares about that bananas, I shouldn’t let it keep me awake at night any longer.

I made a totally boss digital mix tape at muxtape.com. It’s just a mix of twelve songs that I consistently groove on, nothing new or earth-shattering, but if you’re interested in seeing a teeny slice of my iTunes library you can check it out here: electricjellybean61284.muxtape.com. (Click on the song to play it.)

Don't tell anyone, but...I miss her.

Things I need to do

• Get my eyebrow pierced again
• Get a tattoo--I, however, need a new idea, since I recently found pictures on flickr of someone who had the EXACT SAME idea I had. Boo!
• Quit Bath & Body Works
• Go bracelet shopping
• Invent teleportation and/or learn to apparate
• Buy cat food
• Get a haircut

Oh my, I am sorry I am so boring. There are some things on my mind, and Best Buy still has my iMac. I am never buying a computer from you again, Best Buy! However, do you have any linksys routers? I need a new one before my brother throws a fit.

I want my MTV back

OH MY GOD. Do you remember this old MTV commercial with the couples bein’ all weird underneath a tree? Like they’re all tryin’ to break up, but then they end up making out all crazy at the end? And the lesbian couple (!) has one of the dykes saying, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and the other one saying “What does that mean?” Ryan and I did that forever after we saw that commercial. There’s also a gay couple. And the token straights. I have no idea when this commercial is from, but it’s from when I still watched MTV, so it’s pretty old, so hooray for the gays. Oh, so Creed’s doing the song at the end, so it’s from when Creed was a big deal, which was when I was in high school, so this really is old.

The best part, though? Sara Ramirez is one of the dykes! The “I love you but I’m not in love with you” one. I died. Look!

Dykier than Callie Torres could ever be. I LOVE IT.

The other thing I noticed about this commercial? The straight couple has fallen to the ground in a fit of passion, so it’s only the big homos making out onscreen at the end. I also love how everyone else goes right for the making out, but the lesbians hug first. This commercial was totally brilliant. It makes me weep for the state of MTV these days.

Vacation!

I'm off to Canada, my lovelies, so you'll have to look to the whole wide rest of the internet for entertainment. I'll be back on Monday. Maybe.

Brain thoughts, movie edition

So I made this video blog thing of me rambling on Monday night, because...why not? And I decided to post it, because...why not? And I just wanted to say that I called Jason Schwartzman Jason Schwartz, and I never finished my thought about the girl who did Eilonwy's voice in The Black Cauldron, but I hated her. I'm sure I said other things that are entirely incorrect, but those are the two that made me cringe when I watched it back. And still, I have decided to post this!

Now, without further ado, me being an idiot for almost twenty minutes:

(I had to divide it in two--awkwardly--so here's part 1!)


(Part 2!)


So...there was that. If anyone (read: Allison) likes it, I might do it again. It was fun for me, anyway.

Things that occurred to me just this minute

Speed-movie review: The Feast of Love--put me to sleep, so that I missed the only thing that happened in the entire film. Thumbs down, even though Radha Mitchell is pretty.

I worked with the stupid crush again for the first time in a month, and it was totally, totally fine. We talked a lot, and we got to take out the trash together and stand outside in the bright sunshine while all the idiots of southern New Hampshire bought their soaps, and I didn't even feel like a lovesick moron! I'm cured!

Until next week or so.

The weather was beautiful for most of the day. Now it's getting cloudy, but I got to walk outside barefoot in shorts. I cannot wait to be able to be outside whenever I am not at work. Oh man. Having two jobs in the summer is so depressing.

Let us not dwell on that! My warm weather resolution is to go to the beach as often as possible. Even if gas does go up to $4 a gallon. Christ.

Come rescue me

I had the weirdest dream this morning: I was on some kind of field trip with… the Babysitters Club—or at least Mal and Jessi (who my brain mistakenly called Jackie), and the trip was being chaperoned by Tom Colicchio of Top Chef. And! Mal and Jessi were secretly dating girls—at the tender age of eleven—and everyone knew, and no one had a problem, but they were too scared to admit it, so I was trying to open up a way for them to say they were actually with their girls (because I can’t stand it when eleven-year-olds are in the closet, you know) when Colicchio came over and yelled at us. And then the dream ended with me getting off the bus and talking to Kristen Bell, who was, like, Colicchio’s minion, in some kind of stupid accent while she picked up trash.

Wait. What?

First of all, I don’t know where this Kristen Bell thing came from. I have never even seen so much as ten seconds of Veronica Mars, and only her voice is on Gossip Girl. That was bizarre. Second, why was I dreaming about Mallory and Jessi from The Babysitters Club, and why was I dreaming that they were both lesbians? If anyone in The Babysitters Club is a lesbian, it is Kristy (duh). Also, I haven’t even thought of The Babysitters Club in months. Oh, did you know Zach Braff guest starred on an episode of the horrible tv show? He did, as a love interest for Dawn, and his mom wanted to cut down some trees to build a development or whatever, so Dawn had this conflict between cute boy and saving the environment. Dawn was easily the most boring babysitter. More boring than Mary Anne? Yes.

I guess the Colicchio thing makes the most sense, since I watched the last ten minutes of Top Chef last night (and didn’t tell Allison, because she was already bummed out, and her favorite got axed while my favorite won the challenge). Still! Chaperoning a field trip. That’s kind of hilarious.

This concludes another entry in Emily’s Dream Journal.

Today, I had a fight about an apostrophe, and I lost! Which is even more irritating because I was right! And no one cared! Why am I here, then? Fuckin’…fuck.