Gay in several ways

Okay, so apparently next week is Mariah Carey (!) week on Idol, which has definite potential to be totally awesome, because come on. Her songs from the mid-90s are the greatest things ever. “Hero”? “Dreamlover”? And then “Fantasy” and “Always Be My Baby”? (There are many others, but those are the ones I could not get enough of in junior high. Or possibly elementary school, even. How old am I?) However. Randy Jackson—and Simon to an extent—has a serious stick up his ass about contestants attempting to sing Mariah Carey songs (along with songs made famous by Whitney Houston and Celine Dion). And I mean, he’s usually right. The kind of people that get famous on American Idol cannot sing these songs the way these big-voiced divas sang them. And, really, I can’t stand Celine Dion as much as the next sane human being, but the woman has a powerful voice. Mariah Carey’s range is awesome (or it used to be, anyway—I haven’t listened to any of her stuff since, uh, 1995, apparently), and well, I know Whitney Houston used to be able to sing. There have been exceptions to this rule, of course, most notably, uh, some girl I won’t talk about right now, but anyway, it just seems like having these putzes attempt to do Mariah Carey songs will be like making them shoot themselves in the foot. It’ll be like country week, when Simon hates everyone because he hates country music. Only it'll be Randy saying, "That's a tough song to sing, dawg. I recorded that song with Mariah" EVERY TIME. At least Simon doesn't repeat himself as frequently as Randy.

That said, I totally can’t wait for Mariah Carey week, because I foresee the ensuing disaster providing much entertainment. Plus, Mariah Carey’s cheeseball songs are so awesome.

All right, I don’t know why I got so invested in the women’s NCAA games last night—okay, well, I half know why, but I was seriously upset at the trouncing UConn took from Stanford. Because they were the Big East team? I don’t even consider Connecticut part of New England—really, people, it’s just an extension of New York. But whatever. The LSU-Tennessee game was way worse, because both teams could not shoot. It was, like, 3-2 after five minutes. Painful. Plus, Candace Parker was clearly not on top form—she wouldn’t blame the shoulder, because she’s a champ, but something was off, because she ended the game with 13 points, which is half her average. She pulled down something like 15 rebounds, though, so it’s not like she was useless. And there was one shot she took, a slow fade-away jumper, that she sank beautifully, and they showed it in slo-mo, and afterwards, she had this big grin on her face, which, um… Never mind! She was also wearing this long-sleeved thing that I imagine was for the shoulder, because seriously, playing basketball in long sleeves sounds uncomfortable. You sweat badly enough in the sleeveless jersey. Anyway, the shirt totally prevented me from drooling over her guns, which I guess is good. Ahem.

Anyway, Candace Parker is basically guaranteed to be the number one pick in this year’s WNBA draft, so I am totally going to become a Connecticut Sun fan, just for the chance to see her play at Mohegan Sun. This brings up another thing: why is New England’s WNBA team based in Connecticut, and why do they play in a casino? Why can’t they play at the Garden? What, exactly, are they using the Garden for in the summer? The NBA is over, and so is hockey! If they were based in Boston, I could get season tickets and totally dyke it up. I just realized that WNBA games might not be a bad place to pick up chicks. Or at least stare at them. Because I am creepy like that.