Shortest fuse

My 10 favorite Kelly Clarkson songs:
10. Beautiful Disaster
9. Long Shot
8. I Do Not Hook Up
7. Don't Waste Your Time
6. Maybe
5. Be Still
4. Chivas
3. Since U Been Gone
2. I Want You
1. Addicted

My favorite song she's ever sung, ever, though? The minute and a half of "Stuff Like That There" on her season of Idol. Still gives me shivers.

I don't even watch Idol anymore, but I read the Television Without Pity recaps, because Jacob Clifton writes them, and I think he is a recapping genius. The first thing I read of his was a Mondo Extra recap of the disastrous movie version of A Wrinkle in Time, and I've been in love ever since. So I am aware of what's going down on Idol, but actually dealing with it, with Ryan and Paula and the guy with the dead wife and the blind kid? I don't have the energy.

However, I do occasionally think about how fucking huge the show has gotten compared to the ghetto-tastic first season, where they auditioned for the top ten with only one plinky piano to back them up, and where they only had live musicians for the top six performance show. And I daydream sometimes about what it would have been like to hear and watch Kelly and, like, Tamyra Gray interact with a live band. I mean, the big band episode was the pinnacle of that season, and for the rest of the episodes, the contestants had to sing with canned music and backup vocals, which was the fucking worst.

Around season three, people started saying, "No fucking way Kelly Clarkson would have even made the top 36 this year," which infuriated me, because Kelly Clarkson is the best contestant the show has ever had and certainly the most successful winner, but now I wonder if those idiots may have been right, because she barely made the top 30 in her own season, when far fewer people even auditioned, because the judges were too dumb to pick up on her talent until America noticed her for them. Good work, America.

I don't know, I think the show has tried to get more interesting after the disaster that was Taylor Hicks, ostensibly giving the contestants more creative control over the songs they perform, but I just haven't seen anyone with Kelly Clarkson's talent, showmanship, and broad appeal. Which is really what this dumb show is about--broad appeal.

Also, I actually watched an episode on Tuesday, and it was awful. The judges are even worse than I remember--even Simon was not impressing me. Paula was a fuckin' hot mess, but not even in the fun way anymore. I mean, I like knowing what's going on, but I just cannot watch this disasterpiece theater. Give me some more stuff like that there.

Think twice

Okay, let’s talk about some things barely worth talking about. (Doesn’t that make you want to keep reading?) First of all, Idol Gives Back makes me want to hurl. Mostly because cheesy pop songs are never actually inspirational. Those clips they show of the judges visiting the impoverished areas the charities are supposed to help are totally emotionally manipulative, but they are also a hell of a lot more inspiring than “Angels” or “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” I don’t know—it’s all a big stunt, and the fact that ExxonMobil, which is like a direct cause of many of these problems, is a sponsor makes me get all frothy at the mouth and unable to see out of my left eye. But whatever! That’s not really the point of this story.

The point is this: since the big show is tonight, voting results are Thursday, which I think is what happened last year too. And last year they faked out those trembling childrens, going through the whole rigmarole, only to reveal that no one was going home after the big charity event. Which makes me think the exact same thing shall happen this year. But what if they kept the kids in suspense for a full extra 24 hours, probably thinking everyone would be safe after caring and giving night, and then Ryan sends Michael Johns home? That would be superb. Especially for the extra headfuck that would come from this scenario.

Really, I don’t know why I’m still watching this show. I’ve heard rumors that Kelly Clarkson is going to be on this crapstravaganza again this year, but I can find no confirmation on Idol’s site, but that means nothing, because they don’t even have Jordin Sparks listed as appearing, and she is in one of the video clips on the Idol Gives Back main page! Frickin’ Fox. But maybe I don’t care anyway, because I’ve hit a roadblock in my imaginary relationship with her: she’s singing for the pope whenever the hell his dip-shittiness is coming to New York, and if you hadn’t quite gathered, I fiercely dislike the pope. He’s the spiritual leader of millions of people worldwide, and he preaches bigotry and intolerance. He and Kelly have Jesus in common, and I hope that’s it, but I really wish someone who isn’t even Catholic wouldn’t consider singing for this jerk an honor. I have many really intense issues with the Catholic church, and number one is it is a sexist institution. Women are not the equals of men in the church, and that is unacceptable. I could go on AT LENGTH about the other aspects of Catholicism that make me insane, but I’ll stop there, because it’s not worth it, getting myself all worked up over something that I clearly cannot change.

Gay in several ways

Okay, so apparently next week is Mariah Carey (!) week on Idol, which has definite potential to be totally awesome, because come on. Her songs from the mid-90s are the greatest things ever. “Hero”? “Dreamlover”? And then “Fantasy” and “Always Be My Baby”? (There are many others, but those are the ones I could not get enough of in junior high. Or possibly elementary school, even. How old am I?) However. Randy Jackson—and Simon to an extent—has a serious stick up his ass about contestants attempting to sing Mariah Carey songs (along with songs made famous by Whitney Houston and Celine Dion). And I mean, he’s usually right. The kind of people that get famous on American Idol cannot sing these songs the way these big-voiced divas sang them. And, really, I can’t stand Celine Dion as much as the next sane human being, but the woman has a powerful voice. Mariah Carey’s range is awesome (or it used to be, anyway—I haven’t listened to any of her stuff since, uh, 1995, apparently), and well, I know Whitney Houston used to be able to sing. There have been exceptions to this rule, of course, most notably, uh, some girl I won’t talk about right now, but anyway, it just seems like having these putzes attempt to do Mariah Carey songs will be like making them shoot themselves in the foot. It’ll be like country week, when Simon hates everyone because he hates country music. Only it'll be Randy saying, "That's a tough song to sing, dawg. I recorded that song with Mariah" EVERY TIME. At least Simon doesn't repeat himself as frequently as Randy.

That said, I totally can’t wait for Mariah Carey week, because I foresee the ensuing disaster providing much entertainment. Plus, Mariah Carey’s cheeseball songs are so awesome.

All right, I don’t know why I got so invested in the women’s NCAA games last night—okay, well, I half know why, but I was seriously upset at the trouncing UConn took from Stanford. Because they were the Big East team? I don’t even consider Connecticut part of New England—really, people, it’s just an extension of New York. But whatever. The LSU-Tennessee game was way worse, because both teams could not shoot. It was, like, 3-2 after five minutes. Painful. Plus, Candace Parker was clearly not on top form—she wouldn’t blame the shoulder, because she’s a champ, but something was off, because she ended the game with 13 points, which is half her average. She pulled down something like 15 rebounds, though, so it’s not like she was useless. And there was one shot she took, a slow fade-away jumper, that she sank beautifully, and they showed it in slo-mo, and afterwards, she had this big grin on her face, which, um… Never mind! She was also wearing this long-sleeved thing that I imagine was for the shoulder, because seriously, playing basketball in long sleeves sounds uncomfortable. You sweat badly enough in the sleeveless jersey. Anyway, the shirt totally prevented me from drooling over her guns, which I guess is good. Ahem.

Anyway, Candace Parker is basically guaranteed to be the number one pick in this year’s WNBA draft, so I am totally going to become a Connecticut Sun fan, just for the chance to see her play at Mohegan Sun. This brings up another thing: why is New England’s WNBA team based in Connecticut, and why do they play in a casino? Why can’t they play at the Garden? What, exactly, are they using the Garden for in the summer? The NBA is over, and so is hockey! If they were based in Boston, I could get season tickets and totally dyke it up. I just realized that WNBA games might not be a bad place to pick up chicks. Or at least stare at them. Because I am creepy like that.

In a world by myself

I do not like Simon Cowell saying this Irish girl is the new Kelly Clarkson. I mean, we all know how I feel about Kelly Clarkson, but this Irish girl isn’t even memorable—and Simon Cowell is usually right about everything. Super early on in season 4, he told Carrie Underwood that she’d be the most successful Idol ever, which may in fact be true, since Kelly has shot herself in the foot with My December. Anyway, back to Carly: it’s not like she’s bad—she’s just not interesting. Like Michelle Branch or Vanessa Carlton or Katherine McPhee—or, really, any of the other girls who’ve been on American Idol except for Tamyra and Melinda—and the bad ones, of course. But what really got me was that, after he told her she’s like Kelly, he totally forgot her name. Which, um, he totally didn’t know Kelly’s name until the first top ten performance. When she got selected after Justin, Simon said something to Brian and Ryan about getting a lot of calls about “this girl” the night before, and Ryan (bless his heart, for once) went, “Her name is Kelly,” and even better, she chimed in herself: “My name is Kelly!” I don’t know why I felt the need to relate that story, but… Apparently, it bodes well if Simon can’t remember your name? Plus, Kelly was really cute about it, all indignant, but laughing—and also crying because she really didn’t expect to make it, I don’t think.

American Idol was also hideous last night because…well, I don’t think I’ve gone on at length anywhere how I feel about Beatles covers, but I think you probably know the gist, which is this: generally, when people mess with the Beatles, I get feral. The exceptions to this rule are as follows: Kelly Clarkson, Brandi Carlile, most of the cast of Across the Universe (except Bono), and a few of the people on the I Am Sam soundtrack. Oh, and Fiona Apple, whose cover of “Across the Universe” is awesome. And not one of the people on this show this season even comes close to the level of awesomeness exhibited by Kelly, Brandi, Fiona, or even Evan Rachel Wood, who is not a professional singer. Giving American Idol the rights to the Beatles’ catalog was the dumbest thing that ever happened, except it allowed Kelly Clarkson to totally kill “Sergeant Pepper’s,” so… Worth it? Almost. If “Eight Days a Week” hadn’t been hideously countrified by…whoever that girl is, I’d say Kelly made last night’s show worth it, because that performance killed me! She should have done that entire medley herself. Anyway, don’t countrify The Beatles. I will come after you. Which means I should really find out that girl’s name, so I can, um, go after her like I just threatened.

Okay, I do appreciate that Carly peed her pants when Simon made the KC connection, but… He’s wrong. This time. Do you think she would have if he’d compared her to Carrie or Jordin? Those comparisons would be even less apt just because of Carly’s style of singing, but… Getting favorably compared to Kelly Clarkson is a big fucking deal, bitches. Especially when it comes from Simon, because, once he found himself able to remember her, he loved her.

Brooke White, you’re making yourself cry a little early on in the game, I think. Jordin waited until, like, the third week at least. She’s definitely the best singer there, though. But again—I am not interested in her. Kelly Clarkson, whatever you think of her, really, at least has a personality—and a personality I find charming: on the show, she was dorky, nervous in interviews, but confident when performing, gracious, and just utterly adorable. Plus, people, watch this video, and if you’re not converted, I’ll give you a dollar:



The Ditty Bops’ new album is totally bangarang. I bought it yesterday, because it was new music Tuesday, even though the album actually came out, like, a month ago, but I have fallen way behind on my new music. Anyway, I do love the lesbian duos. Except for those Canadian twins. Are both of them gay? That just seems so weird to me. Although, I guess maybe it’ll help lend credence to the fact that gayness is genetic, that gay twins exist.

Things I thought!

I love how everyone who isn't from New England spells Worcester with an h. Do they pronounce it Worchester too? Wooster, y'all, with the double o like in book.

Speaking of books, I need a new one to read. I'm re-reading Many Waters and Annie on My Mind, because they are beloved, but I also would like to read something brand new. I think I'm over The Other Boleyn Girl--historical fiction is usually not my thing, even though Elizabethan England is one of my favorite historical periods. But since this is pre-Elizabethan, it does not hold my interest. Even though it, uh, leads directly to Elizabeth's existence. Whatever!

So I finally saw half an episode of Idol today, and oh my god, Danny Noriega is the textbook definition of a fagtron. Seriously. That was such a drag queen performance. I felt like I was at the 3. He also reminds me of Ian Cheever, somehow, though Ian is cuter. And red-haired. And really looks nothing like Danny Noriega, but reminds me of him nonetheless!

This is one of my favorite stories about language ever. I probably have already told it, but I feel compelled to retell it. Sophomore year of college, in my conversational Spanish class, we were talking about regional word usage, and the one boy in the class, Eddie, talked about "wicked," and how in New England, it is totally an adverb and not an adjective. He said one his friends said something like, "My mother is wicked," and Eddie felt like he was left hanging. "Wicked what?" he asked. I love it. "Wicked" is a qualifier, not an adjective. It's my favorite regionalism, I think.

Part III

Okay, this is the last one.

Melinda Doolittle
Clearly, my fave. I have already said how I didn't even care that she sang one of Kelly Clarkson's Idol songs, and it is still true. She killed it! She is amazing to watch perform. I can't even tell you. One of my favorite parts, though, was at the end of the first act, when they all came out with Blake at the end of "You Give Love a Bad Name," and she banged on the cymbal with their awesome drummer. That was fantastic. She was clearly having the time of her life, and I really hope she goes on to be, like, the next Tina Turner, because she is amazing like that. I just hope she doesn't turn to be the next Tamyra Gray, awesome on the show, but totally fading into obscurity soon after.















Blake Lewis
Clearly, the audience fave. This guy--and every guy who has ever been on American Idol, actually--never did anything for me. He's just...not my cup of tea, I guess. I suppose he's talented, and the beeping I suppose is...interesting if you're into that sort of thing. But he sang Maroon 5. I did like "You Give Love a Bad Name," though--I think that was definitely his best performance on the show. He did this five-minute-long "song" of nothing but the beeping, and it was overkill. He didn't really appear to be on stage a lot--he did a duet with Richardson and was in the boys' "band," but that was, like, it. I guess he got the special second-place treatment by not having to perform with the riffrafff so often?

Jordin Sparks













Okay, this girl's winning the show was clearly destiny. I mean, look at her. She's a more real Carrie Underwood. Maybe there's some kind of depth to Jordin, but to me she just seems like your regular goofy teenager. Which is fine. I kind of love her for being like that. But she's just not all that interesting. I mean, her singing is fantastic, and she even made me pay attention to "This Is My Now," which I think is even worse than "A Moment Like This" (but better than "Before Your Love"--poor Kelly and Justin got saddled with two hideous songs. Did that happen to anyone else?) Anyway, Jordin was good, and I had a lot of fun watching her, and that Jewel cover totally killed me, it was so cute, but...Melinda was the more compelling performer, I think. I mean, even when she made herself cry during "I Who Have Nothing," I was, like, "Well, we've already seen this, Sparks." That performance on the show was amazing, at least for me, because I was not expecting something like that to come from her. She still sounded beautiful, but it was less amazing, you know? But! The other best thing (besides "You Were Meant for Me") was that she did "Livin' on a Prayer," which was totally her worst performance on the show. But she fixed it somehow, because it was rockin' and awesome, and I may have just screamed along with the chorus like no one could hear me.

Final verdict: Jordin Sparks is certainly no Kelly Clarkson, but she just may be the second-best winner. (Suck on that, Underwood).

(The rest of the pictures are here.)

AI concert review continued!

Phil Stacey













He was another one I never really got the appeal of, and he always looked so sickly on tv, but he wasn't bad. He sang that song with Gina, and he was having a great time, and I may have even liked him, but there's only room in my heart for one bald musician named Phil, and it sure ain't this guy. He also did "Blaze of Glory" and some smurfy patriotic medley with the girls that started out with "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" and went into "God Bless America," and the girls kept laughing which was really the only compelling thing about it.

Chris Richardson
I think this is the only picture I have of just him, and I don't even know why I (or Jess) took it--we both hate him. He, I think, was my least favorite contestant, because, well, Sanjaya's just a kid. What's this loser's excuse? Anyway, he did a kind of sweet duet with Jordin, where they both played acoustic guitars (because they are Serious Artists!), and he did "Geek in the Pink" and some beatbox war with Blake, and I was so not impressed. Fortunately, he was just kind of always in the background, and I never really had to pay attention to him.

LaKisha Jones
Oh, LaKisha. I didn't really understand her--maybe she's just more mellow than the other spazmatoids of season six, but she didn't seem to be having a whole lot of fun. Though she did giggle with all the other girls during their turn as Phil's back-up singers. And she did absolutely blow "I Will Always Love You" to pieces. She was not really one of my faves on the show, but she can sing, y'all, and that performance was killer.

In which I attempt a photo essay of sorts

Okay, so now that the American Idol pictures are up on flickr, I decided to try to do a slightly more in depth concert review. With pictures! Let's see how this goes.

Chris Sligh
Okay, so this fool only sang one song, and I don't know what it was. Of course he played the guitar for it. Oh, wait, he sang that Fallout Boy song with Gina. Whatever, I didn't really hear him, because Gina was better. He seemed to be having a good time, though. And he came out for the opener in a David Ortiz jersey, which of course guaranteed him some applause. It really is easy to pander to your New England audiences. At least in New Hampshire and Massachusetts. I don't know about the other four states, but I imagine they all have a lot of Yankee fans there.

Gina Glocksen
Surprisingly, at least to me, since she came in 9th place, Gina was quite the fan favorite--especially among the younger girls. She also seemed to have a lot of stage time, which was just fine with me, since I think she was actually my favorite non-Melinda contestant, even though I never voted for her. For a while I was, like, "She's, like, Nikki McKibbin! Bleh," but she's actually so much better. And she was having a grand old time, and she was really sweet to her eleven-year-old fans, and all in all, I have to give her a big ol' thumbs up. It did not hurt that she was smokin' hot.

Hot Pants Scarnato
Remember that time when Seacrest called her Stacey? Because she was in the bottom two with Phil Stacey? Yeah, even Seacrest forgot who she was. Jess will kill me for this, but I just don't get the appeal. She's not even that pretty, but she flaunts herself like there's no tomorrow. I wasn't really paying attention to anyone's actual singing (save for Melinda's--and Jordin's, because, um, she got the whole end of the show to herself, rightfully so, since she won and all), but Haley was so...bleh. There was this part when the non-winning girls were doing "Ain't No Other Man," and it had some cheesy choreography where they were supposed to turn around and shake their boot-ays, and Haley totally played it up. Lakisha was not havin' it, Gina was, like, whatever, and Melinda did it playfully, but Haley took it so seriously. That skank. (Love ya, Jess!) Anyway, she was okay--better than Sligh and Richardson. And Malakar. I also don't know the song she sang by herself either. Good grief--was I even there?

Sanjaya MalakarOkay, so he was so much less ubiquitous than I thought he'd be. I think he only did one song by himself, and then he was singing with a million other people, so you couldn't hear him, and his hair was no big deal, and I was so grateful. I could forget he was even there. Which I did, most of the time--until he pulled out the guitar when the boys got their "band" together. Then I laughed.

Don't worry! The rest shall follow.

Can't talk about American Idol and not bring up Kelly Clarkson

Okay, so last night Jess and I went to the American Idols' concert at the Verizon Wireless Whatever in Manchester, and it was quite possibly the gayest thing we've ever attended. Including that party full of drag queens we went to at the beginning of the month. It was more entertaining than I was expecting. The girls outperformed the hell out of the boys. Blake was fun to watch in the beginning, but then he got all self-indulgent with the beatboxing, and I was, like, zzzzzzzzzz. I unexpectedly actually fell in love a little bit with Gina Glocksen, but Melinda Doolittle was still the star of my show. Also, unexpectedly, the tween set was totally in love with Gina. I have the same taste as the eleven-year-olds. Just so you know. Lakisha brought the house down with a really amazing "I Will Always Love You," and I remembered that she was one of the ones who could really turn it out. Melinda totally rocked out "Natural Woman," and even though I have this thing about Idol contestants performing songs Kelly killed on during her Idol tenure, I loved it. Melinda's the only person who could do that--she could have sung every song Kelly Clarkson has ever sung in her life, even "Stuff Like That There," and I would have eaten it up. Girl knows how to sing--and perform. However, it was the actual winner--bless her heart--who provided the highlight of my night, though, when she totally earnestly did Jewel's "You Were Meant for Me," playing the guitar for her own self. It was just as cheesy as you'd think it would be, but it was adorable. When she started playing it, I was, like, "This sounds like Jewel," and then it actually was Jewel, and I couldn't not laugh. But she was so earnest! And sweet! And I almost forgot about how she was involved in all that anti-legal-abortions crap. Oh, but she made herself cry during "I Who Have Nothing," and I was kind of like, "Cut the crap, Jordin," but she did seem to genuinely and utterly love every minute of her time onstage, so if she's happy, if it's real for her, good for her.

Jess and I took a million pictures, which I plan to post to flickr tonight, because we had surprisingly good seats, and even though I am not the most talented photographer, and she was having issues with my digital camera, I'm sure some of them came out. There are a million pictures of Hot Pants Scarnato, because Jess is in love with her, but well, hopefully there are other good ones. I tried to take as many of Gina and Melinda as possible, but who knows. They all kept moving! It was hard.

I'm hooked on you I need a hit I can't take it

I have decided. There is only one American Idol contestant whose studio recordings I enjoy listening to. You're smart. You figure out which one. But! Everyone else I've ever liked on AI, I can't stand listening to their studio-recorded stuff. I adored Tamyra Gray, but her album tanked. I still listen to the bootlegged mp3s of her AI performances all the time, though. And today I found out that iTunes put up the rest of season six's contestants' studio recorded songs, and I got all excited, because I love Melinda, but turns out I only love watching Melinda perform. Her studio-recorded songs bore me. Same thing with Jordin, but I thought that was just her. Then I realized it was Tamyra and Melinda as well. Which is why Kelly Clarkson is the greatest. The end.