Another installment of Emily hates religion

I still can't reconcile my unabashed adoration for everything Madeleine L'Engle has ever written with my utter disdain for religion, especially Christianity. I think especially Christianity because it's the major world religion with which I'm most familiar, but also because it centers on some dude coming back from the dead. And also because it insists that it is the one true religion, which is a characteristic it shares with Islam, I believe. Judaism is the only one of those three not interested in converting anyone, and that is why I love the Jews the best. Even though plenty of Jews can be just as retarded about things like homosexuality and feminism as Christians and Muslims, at least they're not trying to make the whole world Jewish.

Why I love Futurama

Recruitment officer: Sign here on the dotted line, patriots, and I'll give you your discount cards.
Fry: Just outta curiosity, we can use the cards to buy gum, then immediately quit the army, right?
Bender: You know, playin' you all for chumps?
Recruitment officer: Correct. There's no obligation.
[Fry and Bender sign.]
Recruitment officer: Unless, of course, war were declared.
[Siren]
Fry: What's that?
Recruitment officer: War were declared.If that didn't make you laugh like a donkey, I'm just gonna tell myself it's because you haven't seen it.

Weekly mix tape 16

I haven't done one of these in many weeks, so I thought I would showcase my playlist-creating brilliance here. Also, I make digital copies of these things for cute girls or people who ask nicely. (Let me pretend anyone still reads this, dammit.)

1. That's How You Know - Amy Adams
2. Never Had Nobody Like You - M. Ward with Zooey Deschanel
3. Mahna Mahna - Cake
4. Modern Girls & Old Fashion Men - The Strokes & Regina Spektor
5. And Your Bird Can Sing - The Beatles
6. People Got a Lotta Nerve - Neko Case
7. Wantin' Her Again - Ben Kweller
8. My Name Is Jonas - Weezer
9. Taper Jean Girl - Kings of Leon
10. On a Plain - Nirvana
11. Creep - Radiohead
12. We Get On - Kate Nash
13. Add It Up - Guster
14. Paper Bag - Fiona Apple
15. Vibrate - Rufus Wainwright
16. Fuck Was I - Jenny Owen Youngs
17. If There Was No You - Brandi Carlile
18. I Am Trying to Break Your Heart - Wilco
19. Turn to Stone - Ingrid Michaelson
20. Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
21. Explain It to Me - Liz Phair

"Gayer than a plaid rabbit"

So the first time I read Wicked, I was all "OMG, Glinda is totally gay for Elphaba," but I was pretty sure I was just projecting. I project gaiety everywhere. But then I read Wicked again.

And OMG, you guys, Glinda is totally gay for Elphaba. I don't know how I didn't register this fully the first time I read it, but check this:

The Witch in fact alarmed her a little. It was not just the novelty of seeing her again, but the strange charisma Elphaba possessed, which had always put Glinda in the shade. Also there was the thrill, basis indeterminable, which made Glinda shy, and caused her to rush her words, and to speak in a false high voice like an adolescent.

If that is not how one behaves around a girl one likes, then what the fuck else is it? Now this passage is from toward the end of the book, when the Wicked Witch of the West and the Good Witch of the North meet again after the Wicked Witch of the East has been squashed. Apparently, Glinda has always behaved like a doofus around Elphaba, but I hardly recall such a thing. Oh well.

I can't really tell Elphaba's feelings--she's obviously fond of Glinda--but I'm pretty sure the only person she had romantic feelings for was Fiyero. Unless this means what I was projecting it to mean:

[Glinda] could scarcely dredge up an ounce of recollection about that daring meeting with the Wizard. She could recall far more clearly how she and Elphie had shared a bed on the way to the Emerald City. How brave that had made her feel, and how vulnerable too.

Here, again, it's obvious Glinda has a massive crush on Elphaba, but does "shared a bed" have the euphemistic meaning? The only thing that makes me think so is that last part: "How brave that had made her feel, and how vulnerable too."

Oh, and then there was this one thing Nanny says to Elphaba later, "You were devoted to Glinda, you were. Everyone knew it." That's a little gay. No?

There's a lot of explicit gayness in the Wicked books, but it's almost exclusively dude-on-dude. Elphaba's pops, Crope and Tibbett, Liir. Glinda has that unrequited thing for Elphaba that she can barely even understand, and I really couldn't pick out any other lesbianish thing. And you know I'd be able to pick out all the lesbianish things.

That makes me sad.

While I'm here, my favorite thing Glinda ever did was speak to the Wizard for Elphaba, when she was all paralyzed in front of him. And then Elphaba deserted her, and I was sad. Again.

Live Free or Die

"House Republicans said the Senate version had important flaws. ... They said it will lead to lawsuits against non-clergy -- those with strong religious beliefs that prevent them from participating in any phase of a gay marriage, such as catering or photography.

Rep. Peter Bolster, R-Alton, said, 'This does not protect the Christian conference center, the church with a social hall, or its individual members who run limousine or photographic services who may conscientiously object to participating in a same-sex marriage.'" --from the Union Leader

That is the dumbest god damn thing I've ever heard. Any self-respecting gay couple would not engage the services of someone who was so opposed to their having equal rights. A caterer isn't obligated to serve anyone's damn wedding, for whatever reason he or she likes. Homophobia is a nasty reason, but hey. It's a free country. Right?

I mean, really. I would find a gay-friendly caterer. Or a gay caterer. Come on. There are plenty of actual gay people working in the industries that serve weddings. Even in barely-civilized New Hampshire! No one is going to make anyone take part in a gay wedding.

I can't take this anymore. My heart is going to explode from frustration, hope, and disappointment.

I've decided. Ella es la mujer más hermosa en el mundo.

There was this part in Grey's last night that I can't stop watching. And it's not even the part with Sara Ramirez covered only by a bed sheet. It's this brief part at the wedding, in the montage of guests while Alex and Izzie make out at the altar (like, seriously, making out), when Baskin Robbins bumps Callie's shoulder and smiles at her, and then Callie leans over and kisses her cheek. It is adorable. And has finally converted me on Baskin Robbins.
Look, I loved Erica Hahn probably more than any lesbian who watched primetime ABC television, and Brooke Smith and Sara Ramirez were so hot together, but their story was a fucking disaster. Callie made the first move and then spent every episode after that freaking out and being weird and dicking around until the very end when she would finally tell Erica what her damn deal was, and then Erica would fix it. Because she is awesome. I had hopes that Callie would eventually get past the awkward part, and she and Hahn would be able to be cute like she and Baskin Robbins get to be, and from that interview with Shonda Rhimes from AfterEllen, I'm pretty sure the whole storyline with Callie's crazy dad was conceived with Hahn in mind as Callie's partner, so I swear they just subsituted (an allegedly) prettier, (inarguably) younger actress for Brooke Smith, and that's why I was mad.

But I can't hang onto principles when Sara Ramirez is kissing pretty ladies and getting naked on the tv. I just can't.Okay, but now I need to talk about this. I get that Callie is upset because she has no money to go on nice dates with her girlfriend, but hello, why didn't she fucking tell her girlfriend before being dragged out to apparently the most expensive place in Seattle? They're dating. Baskin Robbins is sweet. She will understand. Which she did. She understood. And I know Callie's proud; she doesn't want to cry about her money problems, but Jesus. Be smarter than going to out to a fancy place just because your girlfriend wants to when you can't pay. No one who matters is going to think any less of you.

Especially because Baskin Robbins is, like, the reason you have no money. I know it's her father's fault, but he never would have cut her off if she hadn't started dating a lady. And Callie could have easily said fuck this and chosen her family and her money over this girl. She didn't. And Arizona already knew that! So why did she even take Callie out to a fancy restaurant in the first place? She was there when Callie told Cristina she couldn't afford the rent!

And what is Callie's issue with communicating? She can't do it unless she comes face to face with losing the girl. She played that game with Hahn, like, eleventy times.

Also, also, as far as we know, Cristina is not an heiress. She's even a few years behind Callie in her surgical residency. How can she afford half their rent, but Callie can't? Hmm?

This fucking show. It wasn't just because of Brooke Smith that I stopped watching...

Oh the things that set me off

Last night I was watching Veronica Mars with Allison, and some rando on there said, "Frak!" and then had to explain to Veronica and whomever else that frak is from Battlestar Galactica and is "the swear of the future," and I got all het up and said, "Actually, it's the swear of the past!" foamed at the mouth, and fell into the hole between my bed and the wall. As I disobeyed Allison's advice not to get mad.

I am still mad. So mad I haven't even illegally downloaded Caprica, because Netflix says there's a very long wait for it. Eff you, Caprica, with your creepy Eric Stoltz.

ETA: I'm so glad I didn't let Ryan ruin Veronica Mars for me. He tried, but by that point in our relationship, I was really good at only pretending to listen to him.

She didn't shudder at my paw

In honor of my trip to Disney World on Saturday, I have compiled a playlist of all the Disney songs in my iTunes library. I have called it "Disney Explosion!" and I am posting it here just in case any of you had any lingering feelings that I might be considered, as the kids say, "cool."

Disney Explosion!
1. Belle
2. Belle (Reprise)
3. Gaston
4. Gaston (Reprise)
5. Be Our Guest
6. Something There
7. The Mob Song
8. Beauty and the Beast
9. Circle of Life
10. I Just Can't Wait to Be King
11. Be Prepared
12. Hakuna Matata
13. Can You Feel the Love Tonight
14. Cruella de Vil
15. Arabian Nights
16. One Jump Ahead
17. Friend Like Me
18. Prince Ali
19. A Whole New World
20. Prince Ali (Reprise)
21. Yo Ho! (A Pirate's Life for Me)
22. Long Ago... (Hercules intro)
23. The Gospel Truth I/Main Titles
24. The Gospel Truth II
25. The Gospel Truth III
26. Go the Distance
27. Go the Distance (reprise)
28. One Last Hope
29. Zero to Hero
30. I Won't Say (I'm in Love)
31. A Star Is Born
32. He's a Tramp
33. Sister Suffragette
34. The Life I Lead
35. The Perfect Nanny
36. A Spoonful of Sugar
37. Pavement Artist
38. Jolly Holiday
39. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
40. Stay Awake
41. I Love to Laugh
42. A British Bank (The Life I Lead)
43. Feed the Birds (Tuppence a Bag)
44. Fidelity Fiduciary Bank
45. Chim Chim Cher-ee
46. Step in Time
47. A Man Has Dreams
48. Let's Go Fly a Kite
49. Honor to Us All
50. Reflection
51. I'll Make a Man Out of You
52. A Girl Worth Fighting For
53. Prologue
54. Carrying the Banner
55. Santa Fe
56. The World Will Know
57. Seize the Day
58. King of New York
59. High Times, Hard Times
60. Seize the Day (Chorale)
61. Santa Fe (Reprise)
62. Once and for All
63. The World Will Know (Reprise)
64. Carrying the Banner (Finale)
65. I'll Try
66. Fathoms Below
67. Daughters of Triton
68. Part of Your World
69. Under the Sea
70. Part of Your World (Reprise)
71. Poor Unfortunate Souls
72. Les Poissons
73. Kiss the Girl
74. This Is Halloween
75. Jack's Lament
76. What's This?
77. Town Meeting Song
78. Jack's Obsession
79. Kidnap the Sandy Claws
80. Making Christmas
81. Oogie Boogie's Song
82. Sally's Song
83. Poor Jack
84. Finale/Reprise
85. When She Loved Me
86. The Bells of Notre Dame
87. Out There
88. Topsy Turvy
89. God Help the Outcasts
90. Heaven's Light/Hellfire
91. A Guy Like You
92. The Court of Miracles
93. The Belles of Notre Dame (Reprise)
94. Once Upon a Dream

1-8 from Beauty and the Beast, 9-13 from The Lion King, 14 from 101 Dalmatians, 15-20 from Aladdin, 21 from Disneyland's Pirates of the Caribbean ride, 22-31 from Hercules, 32 from Lady and the Tramp, 33-48 from Mary Poppins, 49-52 from Mulan, 53-64 from Newsies, 65 from Return to Neverland, 66-73 from The Little Mermaid, 74-84 from The Nightmare Before Christmas, 85 from Toy Story 2, 86-93 from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, 94 from Sleeping Beauty

Just in case you haven't seen this

I love this even more than Prop 8: The Musical. Thanks for being so ridiculous, NOM!

I know I've already said this before

For some reason, the line "O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" is, like, the most famous line from Romeo and Juliet. I guess cuz it's from the balcony scene, and that's the most famous scene? And I'm sure we're all familiar with various modern allusions to it, in which people always seem to be looking for someone when they say that. But let me show you something. The line is:

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

NOT

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Do you see what I did there? Fucking everyone, when they say "wherefore art thou," uses it as a direct address. But it's not. Juliet is bemoaning the fact that she and Romeo are children of feuding houses--"wherefore art thou Romeo" means, "Why the fuck is your name Romeo Montague, you unfortunate son of a bitch? If it weren't we could be together!" Roughly.

Yes, he's spying on her while she says this, but she's not looking for him. She's moping. Here's the whole thing she says:

O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name!
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
and I'll no longer be a Capulet.

She might as well be saying, "Wherefore am I Juliet?" But that's not very poetic, is it?

Even aside from all of this, I just don't understand how you would see this word, wherefore, and just assume it's, what, like some archaic version of where. Use your brains.

Shortest fuse

My 10 favorite Kelly Clarkson songs:
10. Beautiful Disaster
9. Long Shot
8. I Do Not Hook Up
7. Don't Waste Your Time
6. Maybe
5. Be Still
4. Chivas
3. Since U Been Gone
2. I Want You
1. Addicted

My favorite song she's ever sung, ever, though? The minute and a half of "Stuff Like That There" on her season of Idol. Still gives me shivers.

I don't even watch Idol anymore, but I read the Television Without Pity recaps, because Jacob Clifton writes them, and I think he is a recapping genius. The first thing I read of his was a Mondo Extra recap of the disastrous movie version of A Wrinkle in Time, and I've been in love ever since. So I am aware of what's going down on Idol, but actually dealing with it, with Ryan and Paula and the guy with the dead wife and the blind kid? I don't have the energy.

However, I do occasionally think about how fucking huge the show has gotten compared to the ghetto-tastic first season, where they auditioned for the top ten with only one plinky piano to back them up, and where they only had live musicians for the top six performance show. And I daydream sometimes about what it would have been like to hear and watch Kelly and, like, Tamyra Gray interact with a live band. I mean, the big band episode was the pinnacle of that season, and for the rest of the episodes, the contestants had to sing with canned music and backup vocals, which was the fucking worst.

Around season three, people started saying, "No fucking way Kelly Clarkson would have even made the top 36 this year," which infuriated me, because Kelly Clarkson is the best contestant the show has ever had and certainly the most successful winner, but now I wonder if those idiots may have been right, because she barely made the top 30 in her own season, when far fewer people even auditioned, because the judges were too dumb to pick up on her talent until America noticed her for them. Good work, America.

I don't know, I think the show has tried to get more interesting after the disaster that was Taylor Hicks, ostensibly giving the contestants more creative control over the songs they perform, but I just haven't seen anyone with Kelly Clarkson's talent, showmanship, and broad appeal. Which is really what this dumb show is about--broad appeal.

Also, I actually watched an episode on Tuesday, and it was awful. The judges are even worse than I remember--even Simon was not impressing me. Paula was a fuckin' hot mess, but not even in the fun way anymore. I mean, I like knowing what's going on, but I just cannot watch this disasterpiece theater. Give me some more stuff like that there.

I guess since it's April Fools, I should have written a post not about books

For a long, long, looooooong time I was of the opinion that a movie could never, ever get a book right. Every time I watched a movie based on a book, I would simply be disappointed. This is largely true: movies always seem to leave out or change parts of the book I enjoy. It's just inevitable, because movies are limited in what they can present. I mean, you try to base a movie on a 1,000 page book, and you get four hours of Vivien Leigh being INTOLERABLE. You know? Sometimes you just gotta cut some stuff.

So I grew up a little and realized that the movie had to find its own way to tell the story of its source novel, and I began to see that some of them can do a good job, even changing things from the source. The Little Women with Winona Ryder is probably the best example of this; there are plenty of things that are different in the movie, but the movie still captures the story, the family bonds, everything. And so I love it. Plus, Winona Ryder is hot when she cuts off all her hair for money for her mother.

Lately, I've started to enjoy some movies better than the books upon which they were based, but this was only because I did not enjoy the books upon which they were based. The Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley, which purists hate, totally slayed me, because it was so fun. Like, the movie demonstrated what I did not get from the book at all, that these five girls were a family who loved each other, who laughed and teased and shared secrets and acted like a modern bunch of sisters might. I liked that a lot, how the movie showed you the affection between the Bennetts and the goofiness of Mr. Bingley, presenting these upper class characters from two hundred years ago as people we could know. These period dramas always present characters as, like, so far removed from the way modern people behave, and that is just not accurate at all. People may have had to put on more ridiculous airs in previous time periods, but everyone has always teased their sisters or gotten nervous around pretty girls, no matter how many undergarments they're forced to wear.

And Jane Austen's writing just did not convey that any of these people really liked each other. That made me sad. Don't tell me I was reading it wrong, either. I know how to read a book, motherfuckers.

Anyway, just a few days ago, I realized that this is why I really liked the Narnia movies: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe and Prince Caspian showed the Pevensies as a real family, siblings who fight and tease and love each other. That was largely absent in the novels, which were mostly about the plot. I guess you just have to take it on faith that the Pevensies are fond of each other in the books--I mean, there are a few scenes, of course, where you see how close Peter and Lucy are, for instance, but it's just not enough. Mostly, they feel like strangers thrown together on an adventure. In the movies, the kids got to be playful, to act like real kids, and the best part, for me, was that Susan was included. Susan feels much more like part of the family in the movies than she ever did in the books. Even Edmund, who full on betrays them in the first story, gets to belong to the family more fully than Susan.

So, you know, if The Last Battle actually gets made, and the director wants to let Susan into heaven? Totally fine with me.