Ferg-breath!

Okay, I lied. I got inspired. But I'm not taking down the squirrel. He's so small! And he's sitting on a stapler!

Nickelodeon shows I miss:
Space Cases
Invader Zim
Salute Your Shorts
The Secret World of Alex Mack
All That before all the cast changes
Clarissa Explains It All
Wild 'n Crazy Kids
Doug
The Adventures of Pete & Pete
You Can't Do That on Television--I barely remember this one, because it was on when I was really young, but it was classic.

Are You Afraid of the Dark? would send me into fits of hyperimagination, and I wouldn't be able to sleep for days, but I imagine if I were to revisit any of those episodes now, I would find them embarrassingly not terrifying. And what the fuck was that show that involved Marc Summers and pies in the face? What Would You Do?! Thanks, imdb. That show was superdumb, too. Also, I did not like Hey, Dude! or Ren & Stimpy, except for the Log song. Oh, also, also, back a million years ago, Nickelodeon used to show ancient reruns of Dennis the Menace and Lassie on weekend afternoons, and that was always the most disappointing thing ever. I could never watch those.

Everything on Nickelodeon used to be so charmingly odd, but now it's all, like, sanitized versions of WB teen dramas. No one is weird. No one has a little brother with the same name and a tattoo of a flamenco dancer on his arm. No one's name is Ferguson. None of the theme songs includes the word 'fart.' And Sam and Clarissa did the ladder into the bedroom window thing looooooong before Dawson and Joey. And it was never creepy, so there. I totally loved Sam's little theme music for whenever the ladder banged against the house and up he climbed, too.

Stupid Comcast used to have a stupid channel where they showed a bunch of old Nickelodeon game shows: GUTS, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Figure It Out (which suuuuucked), Get the Picture, Double Dare, etc., but then The N went twenty-four/seven (which would be sweet if all they showed was Degrassi and South of Nowhere and all those other cheesy teen soaps, but every damn time I turn it on, it's The Fresh Prince of Bel Air or Kenan and Kel--and I've seen every episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air already, and Kenan and Kel is stupid) and took over channel 224, which had previously been Nickelodeon Games and Sports (or whatever the eff it was called).

Speaking of Degrassi and South of Nowhere, new episodes are supposed to start soon, and all I can say is that there had better well be a lot more girlkissing on South of Nowhere. It's the only show on all of television with a teenage lesbian character, and she doesn't get to kiss anyone. And she's so cute! But she kind of has tragic taste in girls.

I am trying to get a piece of Chinese food out from between my teeth with a paperclip. It's not workin' out so well. And I get the feeling that a paperclip is not a teeth-cleaning tool approved by four out of five dentists.