I am a book nerd who watches too much tv

Crap dammit, I forgot to watch Project Runway last night. But I did watch Mean Girls with Allison instead. Fair trade off. Plus, it's on the DVR, and Bravo will run it again a million times, and if someone starts her recaps up again, I'll be fine.

I know I ranted about my hatred of emoticons, but sometimes I feel this compulsion (from Satan, I'm sure) to use one, because I type some retarded things sometimes, and then I'm like, "Oh, crap. I hope he/she/your mom knows I'm kidding." Instead of taking the emoticon shortcut, however, I try to say things so ridiculous that no one could take me seriously, but... That doesn't even work sometimes in real life when you can hear my tone of voice! People are idiots. Also, I've been told that my sarcastic voice sounds a lot like my regular voice--or maybe my regular voice sounds a lot like my sarcastic voice would be more accurate. This is why it's also difficult for me to be nice to people--it's not hard for me to say nice things, but it's hard for me to sound sincere. Sincerity is boring. Being a jerk is funny!

Oh, no. I have the patience of a five-year-old, so of course I just went to Bravo's site to see who got banished from the world of fashion forever, and it was Elisa! I loved her! She was so weird! And she seemed, like, really nice. I don't know; she made me laugh. That's what I look for in a reality show participant. Comedy.

Speaking of comedic reality show participants, I've been watching the VH1 Top Model marathon off and on this week, and it got me thinking about the good old days when Top Model was ridiculous, trite, and hilarious. Now it's just garbage. Sigh. So, for no reason whatsoever, I decided to compile a trivia sheet about my Top Model faves and least faves.

Favorite Winner: Adrienne Curry, obviously. The one Tyra's not on speaking terms with anymore. (Let's just pretend that whole Peter Brady thing didn't happen, okay? When she called herself the Hamburglar at that one photo shoot, my love was cemented forever.)
Favorite Contestant: Elyse Sewell, of Cycle One. Who could forget that vitriol-filled confessional rant in which she called Miss J. a shitslice?
Best Cycle: One. Runner up: Three.
Most Memorable Quote: "That skank ho poured the beer on my weave!" -Tiffany, Cycle 3
Hottest Model Wannabe Overall: Nicole Linkletter, winner of Cycle Five. Runner up: Crazy Ann, Cycle Three
Funniest Bimbo: Norelle, Cycle 3. "Japan is like space."
Best Judge: Duh. Janice Dickinson. There was nothing quite like that time she raped Tyra at panel in Cycle Four (I believe).
Cycle That Began the Decline: Six. Jade, anyone? (Who even won that one? Oh! Danielle. I kind of loved Danielle.)
Worst Judge: Nole Marin. Runner up: Tyra.
Worst Contestant: This is tough, but I think I'm going to have to go with Robin from Cycle One. She was super irritating and kind of fug (it was all in her eyes--there was some nostril work as well, but mostly the eyes), and the proselytizing was just more than I could handle. I don't know how Elyse didn't punch her in the neck.
Worst Cycle: Seven, I think. Or nine. I mean, Saliesha? Really?

Okay, that's all. I promise.

Oh! I have decided I have a few "bad lesbian" confessions to make:
I hate Melissa Etheridge
and!
The L Word
Allison's been going on and on about the mother-effin' L Word, and I guess the new season is starting up this weekend, but whatever. I totally loved the first season, but the second season was crappy, and then in the third season when Dana died and Bette kidnapped her own kid, I was, like, "Yeah... I'm out." And Allison was, like, "No, the fourth season is so much better! And Jennifer Beals is hot! And Tina stops being straight!" Blahblahblah. I almost thought about buying the fourth season DVDs at a time when I was hard-up for any kind of lesbian entertainment, but I was also hard-up for cash, so I passed them by. Now with the writers' strike still dragging on (fucking greedy corporations), I've decided to boycott purchasing DVD sets of television shows--and I've managed to stick to that. This is why I do not have 30 Rock on DVD. Why can't these bastards give the writers what they deserve? I need Tina Fey and lesbians, dammit!

Ahem. But nothing will make me like Melissa Etheridge. Not even the fact that she married Nicole from Popular.

Oh! I also kind of hate South of Nowhere, which keeps getting all kinds of praise for its portrayal of teen lesbians, and seriously Spencer is the only character on that show I can stand, so I guess, good for them on that one, but the rest of the show is gross. And there is barely any girlkissing, so why bother? I hate Degrassi, too, for the absolutely craptastic way they ended Paige and Alex's relationship. It was bad enough that they dragged out this "get together/break up/get back together/break up" thing out for three seasons, but seriously? Alex left her home and had nowhere to go, and Paige sacked up and decided she could be there for her, and then, like, two weeks later, Alex is back out on her ass? I get that Deanna Casaluce wanted to do something else, but they could have written her out of the show more gracefully. Christ. I still do hopelessly love Paige, though--not in a gay way. Just in a "god, this girl is a bitch, and I love watching it" way. More in the older episodes though. Degrassi kind of lost me ever since JT died. Not that I was particularly fond of JT--that's just when the show lost me.

I wish I had the kind of deep pockets that would enable me to go on a cruise or two in February. Sigh.