Where did this even come from?

So I used to watch All My Children, because (I'm sure this reason shall shock you) Erica Kane's younger daughter is a lesssssbian, and, like, the non-lesbian storylines were usually awesome and ridiculous too, so it was entirely entertaining. But the lesbian thing was so drawn out. For, like, years Bianca and her bff Maggie did this dance of "Are we going to get together?" Because Maggie is ostensibly straight, and, to make things even weirder, Bianca had dated her dead twin sister. I missed the dead twin sister thing, but I think I heard that she was murdered, and for a while Erica was a suspect because she was totally not cool with her daughter's being a dyke for a while. Oy, and then Bianca had a thing with this older woman who was...working for Michael Cambius? I fucking forget, but she was playing Bianca, and Bianca was in love, and the older lady probably fell in love too, but then her double-crossing got exposed, and Erica was all pissed, but Bianca forgave her--or wanted to forgive her? And Erica was so desperate to get her away from this woman--Lena! That was her name--that she tried to set Bianca up with other girls. And that, I think, was the first indication I received that Erica was over the homophobia, more or less.

But, anyway, the Bianca and Maggie thing went on for a million years until Bianca got a job offer in France, and she asked Maggie to come with her, and at the very last minute, Maggie appeared on the private jet, and they disappeared off the show. Then Bianca came back, but I had stopped watching at that point. I think she came back alone, so obviously, she and Maggie didn't work out!

Oh, and did I mention that Bianca had a baby? Yeah. She was raped and impregnated--just like her mother (that's how we got Kendall!)--and she kept the baby. Or wanted to keep the baby. She gave birth in the middle of a storm with her friend Babe, who was also pregnant at the time, and then Babe had her baby, and one of the babies disappeared, and Babe knew it was her baby, but she stole Bianca's! And told Bianca her baby was dead! When in reality somebody from one of ABC's other soap operas stole Babe's baby, so she stole Bianca's, and then I think this all got resolved at Christmas time when JR pushed Bianca off a balcony and into a coma, and Tad and whoever finally obtained the proof that baby Bess was actually Bianca's daughter Miranda, and Erica and Kendall put Miranda in comatose Bianca's arms, and she woke up and lived happily ever after!

Why did I stop watching this show?

Things that occurred to me just this minute

Speed-movie review: The Feast of Love--put me to sleep, so that I missed the only thing that happened in the entire film. Thumbs down, even though Radha Mitchell is pretty.

I worked with the stupid crush again for the first time in a month, and it was totally, totally fine. We talked a lot, and we got to take out the trash together and stand outside in the bright sunshine while all the idiots of southern New Hampshire bought their soaps, and I didn't even feel like a lovesick moron! I'm cured!

Until next week or so.

The weather was beautiful for most of the day. Now it's getting cloudy, but I got to walk outside barefoot in shorts. I cannot wait to be able to be outside whenever I am not at work. Oh man. Having two jobs in the summer is so depressing.

Let us not dwell on that! My warm weather resolution is to go to the beach as often as possible. Even if gas does go up to $4 a gallon. Christ.

Come rescue me

I had the weirdest dream this morning: I was on some kind of field trip with… the Babysitters Club—or at least Mal and Jessi (who my brain mistakenly called Jackie), and the trip was being chaperoned by Tom Colicchio of Top Chef. And! Mal and Jessi were secretly dating girls—at the tender age of eleven—and everyone knew, and no one had a problem, but they were too scared to admit it, so I was trying to open up a way for them to say they were actually with their girls (because I can’t stand it when eleven-year-olds are in the closet, you know) when Colicchio came over and yelled at us. And then the dream ended with me getting off the bus and talking to Kristen Bell, who was, like, Colicchio’s minion, in some kind of stupid accent while she picked up trash.

Wait. What?

First of all, I don’t know where this Kristen Bell thing came from. I have never even seen so much as ten seconds of Veronica Mars, and only her voice is on Gossip Girl. That was bizarre. Second, why was I dreaming about Mallory and Jessi from The Babysitters Club, and why was I dreaming that they were both lesbians? If anyone in The Babysitters Club is a lesbian, it is Kristy (duh). Also, I haven’t even thought of The Babysitters Club in months. Oh, did you know Zach Braff guest starred on an episode of the horrible tv show? He did, as a love interest for Dawn, and his mom wanted to cut down some trees to build a development or whatever, so Dawn had this conflict between cute boy and saving the environment. Dawn was easily the most boring babysitter. More boring than Mary Anne? Yes.

I guess the Colicchio thing makes the most sense, since I watched the last ten minutes of Top Chef last night (and didn’t tell Allison, because she was already bummed out, and her favorite got axed while my favorite won the challenge). Still! Chaperoning a field trip. That’s kind of hilarious.

This concludes another entry in Emily’s Dream Journal.

Today, I had a fight about an apostrophe, and I lost! Which is even more irritating because I was right! And no one cared! Why am I here, then? Fuckin’…fuck.

Think twice

Okay, let’s talk about some things barely worth talking about. (Doesn’t that make you want to keep reading?) First of all, Idol Gives Back makes me want to hurl. Mostly because cheesy pop songs are never actually inspirational. Those clips they show of the judges visiting the impoverished areas the charities are supposed to help are totally emotionally manipulative, but they are also a hell of a lot more inspiring than “Angels” or “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” I don’t know—it’s all a big stunt, and the fact that ExxonMobil, which is like a direct cause of many of these problems, is a sponsor makes me get all frothy at the mouth and unable to see out of my left eye. But whatever! That’s not really the point of this story.

The point is this: since the big show is tonight, voting results are Thursday, which I think is what happened last year too. And last year they faked out those trembling childrens, going through the whole rigmarole, only to reveal that no one was going home after the big charity event. Which makes me think the exact same thing shall happen this year. But what if they kept the kids in suspense for a full extra 24 hours, probably thinking everyone would be safe after caring and giving night, and then Ryan sends Michael Johns home? That would be superb. Especially for the extra headfuck that would come from this scenario.

Really, I don’t know why I’m still watching this show. I’ve heard rumors that Kelly Clarkson is going to be on this crapstravaganza again this year, but I can find no confirmation on Idol’s site, but that means nothing, because they don’t even have Jordin Sparks listed as appearing, and she is in one of the video clips on the Idol Gives Back main page! Frickin’ Fox. But maybe I don’t care anyway, because I’ve hit a roadblock in my imaginary relationship with her: she’s singing for the pope whenever the hell his dip-shittiness is coming to New York, and if you hadn’t quite gathered, I fiercely dislike the pope. He’s the spiritual leader of millions of people worldwide, and he preaches bigotry and intolerance. He and Kelly have Jesus in common, and I hope that’s it, but I really wish someone who isn’t even Catholic wouldn’t consider singing for this jerk an honor. I have many really intense issues with the Catholic church, and number one is it is a sexist institution. Women are not the equals of men in the church, and that is unacceptable. I could go on AT LENGTH about the other aspects of Catholicism that make me insane, but I’ll stop there, because it’s not worth it, getting myself all worked up over something that I clearly cannot change.

Too gay to function, part infinity

Okay, so I've professed my love for Candace Parker, and you know I'm thrilled to see Tennessee win the championship, but some of those Stanford girls were cute, too. I became particularly enamored of Jayne Appel, who seemed to be the only one able to finish her plays, even if she was havin' trouble at the foul line. And Roslyn Gold-Onwude was totally adorable in that cheesy pre-game get to know the players thing when they were talkin' about how the Stanford players were jocks and nerds (hmm, maybe I am rethinking my impending betrothal to Candace Parker), and she was like, "Well, I'd lose a dunk contest to Candace Parker, but maybe we could have a math contest, do some derivatives." Come on. I swooned a little bit, even though I hate calculus. But anyone who is that dorky gets a little bit of love from me.

But Candace Parker is apparently 6'5" according to ESPN (6'4" according to Wikipedia), so...she wins.

Also! Nikki Anosike was awesome. Six steals for a post player. Love it.

Both teams were kind of a mess in the second half, but Tennesse's defense in the first half totally sealed it. I decided. Maybe ESPN agrees with me. But whatever. I said it first!

And cheers to Pat Summitt, the greatest college basketball coach in the history of college basketball. That woman is somethin' else.

Gay in several ways

Okay, so apparently next week is Mariah Carey (!) week on Idol, which has definite potential to be totally awesome, because come on. Her songs from the mid-90s are the greatest things ever. “Hero”? “Dreamlover”? And then “Fantasy” and “Always Be My Baby”? (There are many others, but those are the ones I could not get enough of in junior high. Or possibly elementary school, even. How old am I?) However. Randy Jackson—and Simon to an extent—has a serious stick up his ass about contestants attempting to sing Mariah Carey songs (along with songs made famous by Whitney Houston and Celine Dion). And I mean, he’s usually right. The kind of people that get famous on American Idol cannot sing these songs the way these big-voiced divas sang them. And, really, I can’t stand Celine Dion as much as the next sane human being, but the woman has a powerful voice. Mariah Carey’s range is awesome (or it used to be, anyway—I haven’t listened to any of her stuff since, uh, 1995, apparently), and well, I know Whitney Houston used to be able to sing. There have been exceptions to this rule, of course, most notably, uh, some girl I won’t talk about right now, but anyway, it just seems like having these putzes attempt to do Mariah Carey songs will be like making them shoot themselves in the foot. It’ll be like country week, when Simon hates everyone because he hates country music. Only it'll be Randy saying, "That's a tough song to sing, dawg. I recorded that song with Mariah" EVERY TIME. At least Simon doesn't repeat himself as frequently as Randy.

That said, I totally can’t wait for Mariah Carey week, because I foresee the ensuing disaster providing much entertainment. Plus, Mariah Carey’s cheeseball songs are so awesome.

All right, I don’t know why I got so invested in the women’s NCAA games last night—okay, well, I half know why, but I was seriously upset at the trouncing UConn took from Stanford. Because they were the Big East team? I don’t even consider Connecticut part of New England—really, people, it’s just an extension of New York. But whatever. The LSU-Tennessee game was way worse, because both teams could not shoot. It was, like, 3-2 after five minutes. Painful. Plus, Candace Parker was clearly not on top form—she wouldn’t blame the shoulder, because she’s a champ, but something was off, because she ended the game with 13 points, which is half her average. She pulled down something like 15 rebounds, though, so it’s not like she was useless. And there was one shot she took, a slow fade-away jumper, that she sank beautifully, and they showed it in slo-mo, and afterwards, she had this big grin on her face, which, um… Never mind! She was also wearing this long-sleeved thing that I imagine was for the shoulder, because seriously, playing basketball in long sleeves sounds uncomfortable. You sweat badly enough in the sleeveless jersey. Anyway, the shirt totally prevented me from drooling over her guns, which I guess is good. Ahem.

Anyway, Candace Parker is basically guaranteed to be the number one pick in this year’s WNBA draft, so I am totally going to become a Connecticut Sun fan, just for the chance to see her play at Mohegan Sun. This brings up another thing: why is New England’s WNBA team based in Connecticut, and why do they play in a casino? Why can’t they play at the Garden? What, exactly, are they using the Garden for in the summer? The NBA is over, and so is hockey! If they were based in Boston, I could get season tickets and totally dyke it up. I just realized that WNBA games might not be a bad place to pick up chicks. Or at least stare at them. Because I am creepy like that.

Another one I forgot

Okay, I have this thing about being into girls who have my name, because that is just too weird, but, well... Emily Blunt is just too hot.
Especially in that picture.

Some restrictions apply

Margaret Cho is, like, the funniest woman alive. And she's smart. And she's dirty. I love her. LOVE HER. Mike and I saw her at the Orpheum, and it was the second awesomest thing I've seen at the Orpheum.

I laughed so hard my face still hurts. So. Awesome.

Damn right I'm a dyke

Like I said last night, tomorrow I'd have five new girls I have a crush on. Well, here's one anyway: Ms. Jill Bennett, people.
She's, like, an actor or whatever, mostly doing gay-themed stuff, but I found and fell in love with her on the video blog "We're Getting Nowhere" on afterellen.com. So she's gay for rill--now there are two bona fide lesbians on my girlcrush list. Anyway, these days, Jill's co-starring in this totally awesome lesbian web series, 3Way with South of Nowhere's Maeve Quinlan, plus Cathy Shim and Maile Flanagan. Jill's character, Andrea, is the greatest dyke ever. Check it:

(This entire post was basically an excuse for posting that video on my blog. I watched it, like, eight times already today.)

PS: Sometimes, Jill wears glasses. Can't not swoon for that.

Girlcrushes through the years, part II

Now the girls get cute for real. It's serious, lesbos.

College:
Kelly Clarkson
As I may have already said, Kelly Clarkson made me supergay. When I fell for her, I pretty much stopped noticing guys altogether. (Thanks, Kelly!)

Tina Fey
The Tina Fey thing happened soon after the Kelly thing, freshman year, since I was the loser staying in on Saturday nights while everyone went out and got drunk in the boys’ dorms on Busch Light—or went to the scary clubs off Admiral. Anyway, Tina Fey is hot and smart, and she wears the nerd glasses. Gaaaaay. (As in me—I was so gay for her. Unfortunately, she’s not gay at all.)

Keira Knightley

The summer before sophomore year, I got hit with double the Keira—in Bend It Like Beckham and Pirates, and she was superhot in both. I’ve since become somewhat disenchanted, but if she’d eat something, I’d probably fall in love again.

Famke Janssen
Oh my god, Famke Janssen is so hot in the X-Men movies. She is undoubtedly the reason I own all three of them.

Jennifer Beals
Oh my god, when I first saw The L Word, I was mesmerized by Jennifer Beals. She’s the best (and hottest) fake lesbian ever.

Maggie Gyllenhaal
Her movies are usually for crap, but I liked Mona Lisa Smile a lot. And she’s pretty.

Jennifer Garner
I never watched Alias, but she’s so, so pretty—and her dimples were on full display in 13 Going on 30, which is probably why I fell for her.

Rachel McAdams
She was totally awesome in Mean Girls, obviously, but it wasn't until I saw Red Eye and Wedding Crashers that I started to have a crush on her.

Post-College-ish:

Lena Headey
This one was serious, the summer after I graduated (I think). Naturally, I first saw her in a lesbian movie, and then I watched everything of hers I could get my hands on. (She’s played gay-ish in two other films!) However, the crush has waned, as I couldn’t even watch more than fifteen minutes of The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Brandi Carlile
Some time last year, I became totally and utterly and ridiculously obsessed, because this girl is the prettiest girl ever, and she’s the only effing lesbian on this list. The obsession has cooled a bit—I think only because it’s been so long since I’ve seen her live.

Zooey Deschanel
I vaguely recall finding her cute in Almost Famous, but it was her small role in Bridge to Terabithia that got the tiny crush going.

Sara Ramirez
None of the ladies of Grey’s Anatomy is unattractive in the least, but Sara Ramirez is so goddamn hot. If only Grey’s wasn’t so retarded these days.

Rose Rollins
I only realized that Rose Rollins was so smokin’ hot in the latter half of this season of The L Word—just in time for her relationship with Alice to totally fall apart!—but goodness. She’s beautiful.

Keri Russell
I only rarely watched Felicity, and I never even really liked Felicity herself, but I just recently saw two movies with Keri Russell: The Waitress and August Rush, and oh, she is so pretty.

This is totally not a comprehensive list, but I did what I could. And I'm sure tomorrow I'll have five new girls I'm drooling over.

Aw. Boo.

So tonight I was at Borders because I had some time to kill before I met Liz for dinner, and I decided to flip through this absurd book: 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die. I've only read 86. I fail.

Jock crush!

So I finally got a chance to see Tennessee play some damn basketball tonight, and I have a new cruuuuuuush. Oh my god, Candace Parker.
For real, people. First of all, she dominated the first half, and she managed to come back after dislocating her shoulder twice. Determination is hot. (Dislocated shoulders are not, but that's what covering your eyes is for.) Also, she's 6'4". Tall girls make me go all cross-eyed. And! She can dunk--better than the boys, apparently. She won the slam dunk contest at that McDonald's All-American extravaganza when she was in high school, beating all the boys. Come on. That's awesome. Oh, women's basketball, how I have neglected you. Let's get back together, shall we?