My brother is a turd

The other night my brother and I went to get Wendy's, and while we were driving, "Creep" came on the radio in his car, and because I am an asshole, and he hates it when I sing, I started singing along. Instead of telling me to shut up, he said, "Who sings this song?" like he was testing me, not like he didn't know.

So I, taking it literally, said, "Thom Yorke," because Radiohead does not sing.

And instead of even rolling his eyes he just said, "Let's keep it that way."

Schooled by a seventeen-year-old!

Another book rant! (Same book, though)

Okay, so in my effort to better understand Wicked, I am watching The Wizard of Oz right now, and I have a problem.

In the novel, when Dorothy's house drops on the Wicked Witch of the East, she is greeted by two Munchkins and the Good Witch of the North. The Good Witch of the North* has no idea how Dorothy is to get back to Kansas, so her magical chalkboard (for truth) suggests Dorothy go to the Emerald City to seek the aid of the Wizard. Then she and the Munchkins depart, and Dorothy sets about preparing for her journey. One of the things she does is take the Witch's silver shoes, because hers are kind of worn out and won't last on such a long walk.

*Let me note that this woman is not Glinda. Glinda is the Good Witch of the South, and Dorothy doesn't meet her until she's killed the Wicked Witch of the West.

In the film, the Good Witch of the North meets Dorothy after her crash landing, but this Witch is Glinda. And in the novel it is Glinda who tells Dorothy how to use the magic in the shoes to get back to Kansas, so one would assume that since Glinda meets Dorothy in the film--and in fact, actually gives her the shoes to prevent Triple Dubs from getting them--she already knows that Dorothy can use the shoes to get back to Kansas. And it is Glinda, I believe, who does tell Dorothy how to use the shoes at the end of the film, right? (I haven't finished watching it yet.)

So why does the rest of the movie happen at all?

I could go on about how the Dorothy part of the story of Wicked more closely follows the film than the novel, but I'm not into it right now. Perhaps later.

Politics and religion! Everyone's favorite topics for a blog post

Look, it's pretty clear I have no use for the Bible as some kind of guide to live my life, and for me it's basically a collection of ancient myths, which is what makes it interesting, but you know, that's just me. It obviously holds a much more significant meaning for millions of people, and that is just fine. But some of them take it far too seriously, and some of them twist its truth.

Anyway, I think every single Christian on Earth, especially those in America who have voted to legislate discrimination, needs to read John 8: 1-11. This story is my favorite story about Jesus, because he comes to the rescue of a skanky ho (ahem, I mean, an adulterous woman). If Jesus loved skanky hos, ain't no way he'd turn away from the fags. There are references to the unnaturalness of homosexuality in the New Testament, but never do they come from the mouth of Jesus. And Christians need to listen to Jesus, not to other Christians who may have gotten things a little bit mixed up. (I am looking at you, Paul.)

So don't use the Bible to condemn us. In fact, if you're Christian at all, you shouldn't use anything to condemn us. Condemning us isn't your job--it's your god's. And you know what else? In this religion, Jesus is God, so he is the only one who could condemn her. Does he?

According to Christianity, Jesus comes to the Jews to...revise the Law of Moses, to oversimplify things (as I do), which was much more strict than anything modern Christians follow. He gives them one commandment: Love one another. What a hippie freak. If he hadn't been turned into a messianic figure for a religion that brought about destruction and hate and division, I would love his ass. Anyway, since Christians no longer stone adulterers (and no longer follow, er, any of the laws laid down in Leviticus), I don't want to hear that book used to defend homophobia ever again.

It is November 15, the day to protest marriage inequality in the United States of America. Let's go, Americans. Act up. Fight hate.

Triumphant return of the book rant

Here is something I have discovered this week: The Wizard of Oz bites--actually, the book, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, bites. Also, the titular wizard. But anyway. Let me tell you a long and boring story.

Back in August when I had mono, and all I could do was lie on the couch and bemoan my fate, I decided to while away the hours by reading, since, try as I might, I couldn't sleep. Which is especially brutal when you have mono, and all your body wants is sweet, sweet sleep. I realized that I was out of books to read, and I didn't feel like rereading any of my old standbys, so I turned to one of my few friends who likes to read and asked her what her favorite books are. Apparently, her favorite book is The Lovely Bones, which made me puke (but she somehow made me agree to give it a chance when I was not ill and depressed--will I keep my word?), but the rest of the list seemed pretty okay, so I made my brother drive me to the library, and I checked out three of them.

One of these books was Wicked by Gregory Maguire, which I picked against my better judgment, because I had told myself if I were to ever read this book I would have to do the background reading first. The background reading being, obviously, L. Frank Baum's Oz books. All of them. But at that point in my life I was in no mood to do such extensive background reading (I was really sick, see), so I just checked out Wicked and plowed through it in four days.

Ultimately, I thought the idea was pretty brilliant, telling the Wizard of Oz stories from the point of view of the witches (wicked and otherwise), but the execution as a whole bummed me out. It seemed really cynical, even for me, and I don't think anyone would ever call my disposition sunny, if you know what I'm sayin', but looking back on it, that could have been because I was pretty bummed out about mono effectively ruining the end of my summer. Also I was trying way too hard to find some kind of, like, meaning in it, instead of just reading the damn story. I don't know why I was so hellbent on that--I never do that shit--but... I don't know. I ruined it. And I finished it, and I was like, "Well. Next bitch."

Then this friend of mine ever so kindly sent me a mix CD with not one but two songs from the Wicked musical on it, and I fell so crazily, madly in love that I immediately demanded the rest of the album with all the ferocity of a rabid animal, and this friend of mine ever so kindly obliged, and since then I have been listening to that album all the damn time. Naturally, it made me want to take another look at the book. Naturally, it made me want to actually do the background reading first. And what I have discovered is that I'm pretty sure Gregory Maguire took some stuff from the film version of The Wizard of Oz as well, and now I have to watch that shit again, because I think I basically knew the story of The Wizard of Oz from all the parodies and updates and blah blah--did anyone see that Muppet version with motherfuckin' Ashanti?--and I have no clear recollection of seeing the original film whatsoever. Except I have a vaguely unsettling memory of flying monkeys and dark mountains. Who knows if that's even a real memory.

Anyway, I guess the point of that story was to tell you how I came about deciding to read The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. Now let me tell you why it sucked! First of all, none of Dorothy's trials ever last that long or are the least bit suspenseful. An obstacle is presented; she goes oh crap; five seconds later, they're back on the yellow brick road. I couldn't bring myself to give an ass rat's.

Second, let me make a sweeping generalization! It would seem to me that when male authors write a fantasy story with a young female protagonist, they have no idea what do to with her, and she remains the least interesting character in the story. I mean, I think this judgment is at least a little fair, because male authors have no idea what it's like to be an eight-year-old girl. Some you'd think had never even met an eight-year-old girl. Lewis Carroll, C.S. Lewis, L. Frank Baum: their young female protagonists are so boring: Alice just weeps, gets confused, and wants to go hoooome; Lucy Pevensie never has a naughty thought ever in her head--she's good and true and brave, which, you know, are not bad characteristics, and Lucy Pevensie is certainly the most fleshed-out of these characters, but...a little boring.

Now Dorothy, I just do not understand. She's a little girl, and she is good and pure and true, as evidenced by how she wants to help everyone she meets, blaaaaah. The whole time she's in Oz, which seems to be this rather fascinating land, all she can think about is getting back to Kansas, even though Baum made sure to make Kansas sound as unappealing as possible by only using the word gray (over and over and over again) to describe it. Even her aunt and uncle are gray. Why would you want to get back to that shit? Yes, she's in a strange place, and at least Kansas and Aunt Em and Uncle Henry are familiar, but she makes friends in Oz right quick.

Oh, god. I have to tell you about the preface Baum wrote to this story: he says something about how now (the turn of the 20th century) children don't need their fairy tales to teach them a lesson or moral or whatever, so he has presented a fairy tale which will only enchant them. This is the problem with this story: Dorothy doesn't learn anything. She doesn't leave Oz changed one whit. What is the point of telling a story if the main character doesn't change? (This is also why I hated Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, I just realized.) I'm not saying she needs to learn some kind of moral or life lesson or anything, but her journey through Oz should have affected her somehow. But no. She does all these things, saves the Scarecrow and the Tin Woodman, helps the Cowardly Lion find his courage, exposes the Wizard for the fraud he is, accidentally kills an evil and powerful woman, and then she just runs on home to Kansas. The end.

And, I mean, maybe the fact that I didn't care about the main character could have been made up with an interesting story, but I already said the story was not interesting. The only halfway interesting part was the story of the golden cap and how it can be used to call the winged monkeys to do the wearer's bidding.

Anyway, despite all this, I want to watch the film and then read Wicked again, because I love the musical soundtrack that much.

Self-censorship

This is the rough draft of an email I wrote to my college pals. Recently, some genius decided it would be a good idea to send out monthly emails, just so we could all be kept in the loop of each others' lives. I liked the idea in theory, but loathe thinking of something worthy to write about myself in an email I am pretty sure the recipients are actually going to read. It's quite easy to fill this blog with all kinds of self-absorbed nonsense, because I do it mostly for me, and it seems to entertain the 2-3 other people who actually read it. However, if they don't like it, I don't have to care, because I am not writing it for them! Nyer!

Anyway, here:

Hey ho bags,

As 'tis the twelfth day of November, I figured I'd do what I should and send out a mass email. I wish I had anything to tell you people, but the only things I have to talk about are boring or better saved for one on one conversations. I imagine Seth has no desire to hear about lesbian sex. And neither does Sarah for that matter, but she may not have a choice!

I may have set out to be as inappropriate as possible in this brief email. Hope you enjoyed it.

I also hope you all are well, and though I may not have much to say about myself, I quite like hearing about you.

Emily

Here is what I decided to ultimately send instead:

Hey people,

Since twelve is my day, I figured I'd do what I should and send out a mass email. I wish I had anything to tell you people, but the only things I have to talk about are too boring to be worth it (work) or better saved for one on one conversations (girls, how angry I am about the passing of Proposition Eight in California and similar measures in Arizona and Florida). In fact, the only exciting thing to happen to me in a long, long while is that I won a Dr Pepper hat by checking the code under the bottle cap of my eight billionth bottle of diet Dr Pepper. I can expect the hat in 10-12 weeks, and you best believe I will wear the shit out of that thing.

I hope you all are well, and though I may not have much to say about myself, I quite like hearing about you.

Emily

Ultimately, I think the boring Dr Pepper hat story was a better choice than the brief mention of lesbian sex for my largely conservative, Catholic group of friends.

Why does a heathen like me have conservative, Catholic friends, you ask? I have no idea. But I love them. And I have a fellow heathen in the group, so we get by.

Outnerding myself again (this time by request!)

Things I have noticed on Battlestar Galactica that are unquestionably earthling in origin:

1. Laura Roslin uses the phrase "pound of flesh" (and I totally forget why--but it was apt), which is from Shakespeare's play The Merchant of Venice.
2. Dr. Cottle, astonished to learn Dr. Robert is refusing to give the Sagittarons medicine, demands to know what happened to "First, do no harm" which is widely thought to be part of the Hippocratic Oath, but is not. It is, however, attributed to Hippocrates, who came from Earth.
3. The Cylon siren song is "All Along the Watchtower"! That is even more unmistakably from Earth than the other two! (Unless Bob Dylan is a Cylon. Then all bets are off!)
   
4. Baltar uses the phrase "shuffle off this mortal coil" in one of his wireless broadcasts. That is from Hamlet.
   

Anyway, I mostly figure that all the signposts they find and interpret as the 13th tribe's path from Kobol to Earth are actually signposts of the Earthlings leaving Earth for Kobol--leaving markers along the way in case anyone needs to go back.

Listen up, bitches

I want this

I would have totally bought it five seconds ago, if not for the price.

"The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind and another, his mother called him 'wild thing,' and Max said, 'I'll eat you up!' so he was sent to bed without eating anything."

More for me than anyone who might accidentally find this blog

So on Tuesday, I started watching the election results at my dad's house, and for a while the only states CNN would call were Kentucky and Vermont, which meant the electoral tally was eight to three in McCain's favor, and my dad kept saying things like, "If this were a baseball game, we'd have to be worried," and "it's only the first inning," and, during commercials, "what're they doing? must be a pitching change."

I dunno, maybe you had to be there, and maybe you even have to be my father's child, but that crap kept me laughing every time, even as I freaked the hell out that we might elect another pair of maroons into office.

She got the hose again

So what do I say about the whole Brooke Smith debacle? I really can't figure out what the crap ABC was thinking. Basically, it is a little too coincidental that the news of her firing comes out days after her character realized she was "totally gay." Come on. How can you not expect us to draw that conclusion?

Dr. Hahn was one of the best characters on that show; she was a fantastic surgeon who took no shit from anyone, sometimes to her own detriment. But then she made a friend, and through that friendship we got to see the human side of Hahn. Maybe Hahn got to see the human side of Hahn, too. And then she had the gay revelation, and that whole speech about how falling in love with Callie was like when she got glasses for the first time was the single sweetest thing I have ever seen on television (However! Why have we never seen Hahn in glasses? WHY???). And Brooke Smith acted the hell out of it. I don't think anyone is saying that Brooke Smith's acting is the problem. And she certainly didn't cause strife on the set, like the fool she replaced.

So there are two options here. ABC told Shonda Rhimes to can her because Erica suddenly got too explicitly gay without any negative consequences, or ABC told Shonda Rhimes to can her because she's not conventionally attractive.

Both of which are absolute bullshit. Brooke Smith, while not everyone's cup of tea, is lovely, okay? And especially when she does Hahn's sweet smiles. The way she looked at Sara Ramirez while Hahn was falling for Callie was adorable. I watched that scene where she watches Callie in the elevator, like, twelve times. I don't... Ack.

And, oh, Shonda Rhimes's statement that of course they didn't get rid of Brooke because her character is a lesbian, and they still have a lesbian on the show is even more bullshit. Callie JUST realized she was bisexual in the last episode that aired. That is not the same thing as being a lesbian! What a load.

A few people have suggested that Brooke deserves an Emmy for the leaves speech, and I sure do agree. What're the chances she'll submit it for consideration? Not that those aged fools on the Emmy-giving committee would ever award her one, but still. She should stand up and submit it, because it was some damn fine acting, and it may have made my eyes wet. And I don't know what happened to Callie this season, but the reason I stayed invested in their relationship was because of Hahn. I've never been able to identify with a character more in my entire life. And now ABC refuses to let characters that bear any similarity to me on television. That's like a kick in the gut. I am not worthy to be represented in the entertainment world.

Needless to say, I am not watching Grey's Anatomy ever again, and thank GOD I didn't buy the season pass on iTunes yet.

Processing

What if there were a ballot measure that would amend your state's constitution so that only white couples could get married? Or only people of the same racial background could marry each other? Or members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints could not get legally married?

Would you vote for it?

I still cannot fathom why we can even put civil rights to a vote. If you were to put desegregation of public schools to a vote back in the fifties and sixties, do you think it would have passed? Or even if you were to put those laws that outlawed biracial marriage to a vote, it's quite possible some of those laws would remain. Maybe even slavery would have withstood a vote to abolish it. In fact, I'd be willing to bet it could have, because we had to fight a war with each other to abolish it.

Letting people vote on whether or not gay people deserve the same damn rights as heterosexuals is just as ridiculous as letting people vote on whether or not black people should have the same rights as white people. It's a forgone conclusion: of course black people deserve the same rights as white people, no matter what a majority of voters would say.

Which is why it really makes me sad that so many black and Hispanic voters supported Proposition Eight. I would never, ever vote for anything that would deny them the rights that white people enjoy. I would be just as incensed if Proposition Eight denied black couples the right to legal marriage. Because black people are no better or worse than white people. Gay people are no better or worse than straight people. We are all equal. Everyone says we proved that by electing a black President, but Proposition Eight says different.

The way things are in this country right now, we are not all equal.

But I have hope that President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama will help us change all that. I freaked right out when he actually stood up and recognized that gay people exist in this country in his acceptance speech. I've never heard any politician do that in that manner. And no one would have even given it a second thought if he hadn't. For the first time, a man we elected to lead our country has stood up and said, "I hear you too, homos."

I appreciate that from the bottom of my heart.

I can't do anything about California, but

So in New Hampshire, Vermont, and New Jersey, we have civil unions. I wanna know how we go about making those civil unions marriages. Connecticut just did it.

How did you do it, Connecticut?