My weekends, they disappear

So I had quite the weekend. It started on Thursday night, when I met Allison for a beer at Uno's at, like, midnight, and then we went back to my place for Brandi Carlile youtube videos and The Simpsons Movie. And perhaps more beers. We both passed out on my bed at, like, three before the movie was even over, but we woke up, and Allison stumbled home. She also gave me the best Christmas present: a lesbian gift bag, containing a hemp bracelet, some hardware ("Say something lesbianic." "Home Depot." "k.d. lang! You are a lesbian!"), a rainbow-ish scarf, trail mix, a cat calendar, and cat treats for Chuck. And then she also threw in an entire bag of mellowcreme pumpkins, because I wrote that whole blog entry about them. Allison is the best.

On Friday, I drove up to New York to see my dad's parents and younger sisters, and I finally got to meet my brand new cousin, Jacob. He is the cutest.
We're twenty-three years apart, me and Jake, so everyone kept calling me "Aunt E" (my dad's family calls me and my brothers by our first initials, because my dad likes to speak in abbreviations), and then being all, "Oh, no, she's his cousin," so then I got dubbed "Cousin E," which sounds so, like, 19th century America or something, but whatever. He's kind of fussy, still, but when he's in a good mood, he's a real heart-melter.

I also love spending time with my dad's family, because they're all mental, and I usually spend the entire time just laughing. We played a rousing game of family Trivial Pursuit, which took forever, because it was the ancient one from before the fall of the Soviet Union, and it gave my grandparents an edge, but I know some things too. We ultimately tied, and I won the game with a roll of the die. A cheap way to win, but my team won nonetheless. Upstate New York is so boring and depressing, though, especially the Utica area, so I spent two hours in a Barnes & Noble on Saturday night, and my gift card is gone. God damn sales tax, though--if I'd used the gift card at home, I could have bought another book instead of having four measly bucks left over and using it at Starbucks. Bleh, I hate Starbucks. I run on Dunkin'.

I do not like, however, how Dunkin' Donuts is trying to class itself up or whatever, serving fancy drinks and lunch! Who wants lunch food from Dunkin' Donuts? I go there for coffee and breakfast sandwiches in the middle of the day. I do not need Dunkin' Donuts to sell flatbread sandwiches. That's just ridiculous.

Then on Sunday, I met my mom in Albany to see her parents, and it was not as fun. I've never felt like I fit in with my mom's family, even though her dad is really nice and all. I just feel like we're the rejects--I felt that way even before my parents got divorced. But I always felt like I belonged to my dad's family. I don't know, whatever. I can't wait until Jake is walkin' and talkin'. He's not that much fun now, at three months old, but he is cute, and he's a good smiler.

On my way to Utica, I finally was able to take a picture of this sign my brothers and I have been obsessed with since our youth:
That is a real town in western Massachusetts, my friends: Belchertown. Where all the world-class belchers live, I imagine. Despite the fact that I've been driving by that sign for twenty-three years, I've never actually been to Belchertown. My brothers and I would fit right in, I bet.

Is it because air is free?

Fuck me. My car needs almost a grand of work to pass inspection. I have no desire to try to obtain a new car, so I was just, like, "Sure. Four new tires, a new exhaust, and a front-end alignment. Do it." I knew I was going to need new tires, but what the fuck, my exhaust has a hole in it? God dammit. I was going to use my extra Bath & Body Works money to buy a fancy new iMac or Mac Book, and now I have to use it to fix my motherfucking car. I hate cars. Why can't we all just apparate? Apparating would be sweet.

At least I don't actually need a new computer. I hope this one holds out for at least another year, then. And at what point should I just buy a new car? Perhaps when I can fucking afford it. I need to work out a real way to save money. Like, perhaps I should open a savings account. And stop spending so much money on beer.

Oh! Where the hell are my W-2s? As soon as I get my tax return money, I won't be so fucking poor. Phew.

It's gross being a grownup and having to worry about money. Gross.

Silver bells and open fire

So Christmas was more enjoyable this year than it has been in past years. No big family yelling matches, just your regular sibling squabbles--and mostly between the boys. I am far too dignified to squabble. I didn't get any big gifts this year, really, but that's okay. I did get The Simpsons Movie on DVD, though, so I think I plan to fall asleep watching that later. I also got a lot of Red Sox stuff, which apparently both my parents figure is a safe bet, because I really didn't tell them anything I wanted for Christmas. I did secure myself $50 to spend at Barnes & Noble, though--I definitely never have to ask for that.

Christmas Eve featured bad Chinese food and a raucous game of drunk cribbage with my mom and younger brother, and the highlight of Christmas Day was playing Rock Band with my brothers. The youngest one got it for Christmas, so we set it up on my dad's new HD tv and went to town. I discovered that I suck--and I was just trying to do the bass on easy mode, which has to be the easiest part of the game. I also sucked on the drums. Then I spent three hours begging my brothers to let me sing, because I know a lot of words to a lot of songs, but they refused. I can't imagine why--my voice is so mothereffin' melodious. Anyway, I got my chance when they gave up the tv and came back later wanting to play more video games, so they said I could sing if I relinquished control of the television. And we were awesome. We named our band Misscube, which is a misspelling of 'miscube,' which is a mispronunciation of 'miscue,' something we'd all been doing a lot in our games of pool in the past week. (It makes sense if you belong to my family, anyway.) I put the vocals on easy mode and kicked ass, especially on "Creep" (mostly because I listened to Brandi's cover for, like, a month straight), "I Think I'm Paranoid," "Celebrity Skin," and "Maps." I did fairly well on "Epic" by Faith No More, which I had never heard before, but I barely passed The Clash's "Should I Stay or Should I Go," and I know that song rather well. I don't know what my problem was. "Say It Ain't So" was fair--I think because I kept tripping on the words. And then my brothers got bored--and started fighting. But we did secure ourselves a van, so if we ever feel like sibling bonding again, Misscube can go on tour! Sweet.

Anyway, hope everyone's Christmas was as weird and entertaining as mine.

Oh! I almost forgot: while my brothers were jamming out with Rock Band, I kept singing, "Ooh-wee-ooh, killer tofu!" Did that song have any other words? Then I started singing, "Bangin' on a trashcan/drummin' on a streetlight/strummin' on my banjo/one little voice keeps callin' me, callin' me." Oh, Doug. Nickelodeon will never air cartoons like that again. Okay, so here are the lyrics I found:

Fast food feels fuzzy
Cause it's made from stuff that's skuzzy
I always thought I was such a nerd
I refused to eat that strange bean curd
I wouldn't eat it, WOW!
But it ate you!

Ah eeh ooh, Killer tofu.  (Eeyae.)
Oooh eeh ooh, Killer tofu!

I eat my sugar cereal
But it makes my teeth bacterial  (Eeyaeyo, Eeyae)
If you feel kinda cruddy,  (Eeyae)
Just stick right by your buddy (Eeyaeyo)
I don't eat, t-t-t-t-t-too much fried food!

I don't remember the first verse at all, but I do now recall the second verse, especially the last line, with the stutter on 'too.' Oh, The Beets.

Kiss her once for me

Isn't Christmas Eve always the most boring day of the year, even after you've outgrown your crazy Christmas anticipation?

I finished Spindle's End last night, and it was quite possibly the best book not written by Philip Pullman I have read all year. The only thing I have a problem with seems to be a common theme in McKinley's stories: the heroine falls in love with a dude practically old enough to be her father. I hate that shit! But whatever. I can overlook at it, especially since she didn't end up marrying the prince--or even going back the royal city to be princess and then queen. That was the other awesome thing about this book, in McKinley's made-up land, the crown passes to the firstborn child regardless of gender. Love it.

A few weeks ago, Jess got all het up because Seth wouldn't say he hates the Colts. I don't give a crap about the Colts, but I said I'd hate them if that's what I needed to do in order to secure an invite to her playoffs barter. She was all, "How can you not hate the Colts? They're the Yankees of football!" And I just did not have the heart to tell her that the Patriots are the Yankees of football these days. She would have thrown a fit. I really don't understand why the Patriots are the Yankees of football, other than the simple fact that New England fans are douchebags. It makes me so sad, you guys, to be lumped in with these maniacs, because I love the Red Sox and the Patriots. The Celtics, I can take or leave, because NBA basketball games do nothing for me. That time I got to watch two games of the NCAA tournament in Syracuse was way more fun than any of the Celtics games I've attended. But anyway. Why are New Englanders such assholes? Actually, let's be real. It's the fans from Massachusetts. Clearly, they're the assholes. Those of us from New Hampshire and Maine are totally cool. Rhode Islanders also have a tendency to be assholes, even though I love that place like it's my second home--which it is. It's the only other state in the country in which I have lived. It's where I was born! But New Hampshire is my real home. And people in Vermont and Connecticut seem to be New York fans. So whatever. And I've gotten off the subject again. Can I just tell you how much I hate all this "Yankees suck" business? Who cares about the Yankees??? Boston won the World Series! And they did not beat the Yankees in the World Series! Because that is impossible! I could understand it a little bit in 2004, what with that crazy comeback to steal the Yankees' spot in the World Series, but this year the Yankees had nothing to do with anything. Why can't you love the Red Sox without being an obnoxious Yankee hater? Why do you yell "Yankees suck!" at Gillette Stadium? Blarf. So these douchebag Red Sox fans are also, naturally, Pats fans, and that's why the rest of the country hates the Patriots. Right? And maybe Bill Belichick? I'm not a fan either, him in his Flashdance sweatshirt, but how can you not love Randy Moss? And Tedy Bruschi? (I can understand how you can not love Tom Brady--is he the reason everyone hates the Patriots?)

Anyway, chill the eff out, New England (read: Massachusetts). New England sports is awesome this year; take pride in that without rubbing it in other people's faces. Is that so hard? (Um, sorry, Bruins, but the only hockey I've ever watched was in Disney films. I know nothing about you.)

Oh, oh! And beautiful human of the week, my very good friend Allison, read last night's entry and sent me a link to this list: afterellen.com's list of 100 hot famous women, and nearly all of my crushes are on this list! Tina Fey is number seven! That makes me feel much better, that I apparently do have gay taste in girls. Phew. And then she sent me this list that is even better: hot girls in glasses. And some beautiful human left pictures in the comments of my girl Kelly Clarkson in a pair of specs. Adorable. I didn't even know girl wore glasses. (What kind of obsessed fan am I?) I also really like the picture of Sandra Oh in glasses, even if she is wearing a dumb newsboy cap.

You need a light, I'd find a match

Oh my god, I saw a few seconds of the video for "The Way I Am," and it has a clown in it, and ah! Clowns are effing scary. Not because I'm, like, afraid of their murdering me in my sleep or because I saw It at an impressionable age or anything (I haven't seen It at all, actually), but because clowns are adults with full-on freak make-up on. Adults being balls out ridiculous, but not in the least amusing way. I don't know. Something about clowns is just not right.

However! I did discover that Ingrid Michaelson is rather cute--but definitely straight. Something about girls in glasses, man. I am weak for them. Remember the number two woman of my dreams, Miss Tina Fey? I think if Brandi Carlile's eyesight were ever to deteriorate, I might just faint.

The other night, Ryan told me that he, like, ran a list of my girl crushes for his lesbians at Simmons, and they disapproved of all of them. Katherine Heigl, the girl who made me gay, Jennifer Garner (who I forgot I even had a crush on until Ryan said he'd told them about her)--they said she looks like a horse! I think she's adorable--Kelly Clarkson (which I expected, since most people are not that impressed with her beauty. Whatever, bitches). I forget who else. I know I asked him about Tina, but I can't recall what he said. And then he said he didn't get my Brandi Carlile infatuation, and I almost stopped talking to him for the rest of my life. Hello! She is clearly the most beautiful human being ever. Ugh. I suppose I can't expect the gay mens to understand--but Mike thinks she's pretty. Anyway, maybe this is why I have such horrible luck with girls. The lesbians and I do not agree on anything. Other than Brandi Carlile--I don't need Ryan's lesbians to go crazy for her; I've seen enough lesbians go crazy for her firsthand.

My other, less important girl crushes:
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Famke Janssen
Keira Knightley
Mandy Moore, when she's a brunette
Winona Ryder
Alexis Bledel
Rachel McAdams, when she's a brunette
Rachael Ray

Is it just me? (I will understand if you don't get the Rachael Ray--oh, she was the other one. Ryan's lesbians hate her.) Do I have non-gay taste in girls? Sigh. Maybe I do, because we all know the lesbians go crazy for Angelina (and even some of the straight girls do), but I don't see it. At all. Straight girls, dykes, someone back me up on this. Please?

Girl crushes of yore:
Jewel Staite (if you even know who she is, we must be friends forever!)
Kate Winslet (if you remember her from A Kid in King Arthur's Court, you're as much of a nerd as I am!)
Sporty Spice

I feel like a loser for just bitching about retail during the Christmas season, and I even went so far as to delete some of those entries, but ugh. My life has been consumed by it.

Edited to add! Another girl crush of yore: Miss Carly Pope, who still is pretty for sure (just like Kate Winslet), but she no longer makes me crazy. And! Another girl crush of right now: Sara Ramirez, whom I can't believe I forgot, because I just talked about how she's hotter than Katherine Heigl, the girl who made me gay.

The Grinch hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season

Oh my god, I can't even begin to tell you how much I do not want to go to the mall today. It's going to take me an hour to get there, I can feel it, because it took me half an hour at 9:30 yesterday morning. It's, like, a ten minute drive from my house to the mall. And then the parking lot is a disaster, because it's still covered with snow, and uggggh. I also still have to buy my parents gifts. Worst daughter in the world, right here.

Also! The store is empty. We're running out of gift sets, robes, and slippers, and we have no reserves left. I have a feeling it's gonna git ugly.

Six months old

I don't really know, exactly, when Charles Wallace was born, but I adopted his ass on September 8th, and they told me he was twelve weeks old then, so I estimate sometime in the middle of June (which I kind of love, because my birthday is also sometime in the middle of June--but I think it's too early for me to say it's his birthday too), so that would make him six months old now. This is, by far, my favorite picture I have taken of him, three days after I brought him home:
Look at how gigantic his ears are! And how tiny he is. I can't even get over it. And the camera flash makes his eyes look really cool. This also means I've had him as my constant companion for three months now. Seriously, if I am at home, he's right beside me, except for when I lock myself in the bathroom. And when I come out, he's lying on the floor in front of the door, waiting to follow me downstairs. Lately, he's been yowling really loudly when I come home from work, and I think it's just his greeting, but he sounds like he is not happy with me. Maybe he's not. I've been working a lot lately, and Prince Charles needs his attention.

Aw. I just love him.

I am not from your tribe

I am in love with Ingrid Michaelson's song "The Way I Am." Apparently, it's in a commercial for something? I heard it on an internet broadcast of a radio concert--this fine woman was on before Brandi Carlile, and this was her last song, and she got the audience participating, and I always love that. And then Charles Wallace jumped on top of my laptop, hitting some combination of keys that made my computer just shut down, and because my computer is ancient, it takes ten minutes to fucking shut down, and because I'm an idiot, I couldn't figure out how to tell it not to, and then it took ten more minutes for me to get the internet up and running again, and by then, all that was left of Brandi's set was "Hallelujah," and I mean, her cover is lovely and powerful, but I've heard it a million times. I think it's time to put that one to bed, my love.

Thank goodness for the other Brandi freaks on the internet, though, because a beautiful human captured the internet broadcast, and then I downloaded it, and all was right with my life.

It's been snowing since, like, four-thirty yesterday afternoon, and yet I still went to work today. Unlike in the rest of the country, apparently, the world does not stop when it snows in New England. Just the schools. I always get so bitter when I get up in the morning, and my mother and my brother are fast asleep, because they don't have to go to school. Actually, my brother was up this morning when I got out of the shower, playing some loud and violent video game. At least he was not swearing at it. Yet.

Okay, so I think I've been pretty open about being a sci-fi/fantasy geek, but I'm, like, a selective sci-fi/fantasy geek. Like, I've never read Dune or Arthur C. Clarke or Isaac Assimov. I didn't like Ender's Game or The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I don't like Star Trek, and I kind of loathe Star Wars, even the alleged good movies. I don't really watch any science fictiony shows, but I did love Roswell--and Buffy if you'll consider that science fiction. I don't watch science fiction films unless they've been based upon books. I've never seen any of the Matrix movies. I won't play role playing games, real life or virtual. But. I love Ray Bradbury--I'm still trying to read everything he's ever written. My favorite book is A Wrinkle in Time, which I think is, like, perfect young adult science fiction. I love The Lord of the Rings, books and films (books better, of course. I am still sad that Tom Bombadil did not fit into the film). I've read all seven of The Chronicles of Narnia more times than I could ever count. Of course I love Harry Potter. I love the Redwall books, even if the later ones haven't quite retained the magic of the original stories, the story of Matthias taking up Martin's sword to save the Abbey and then the story of Martin--and then the story of his father, Luke. And just in case you forgot (or you're new), I can't get enough of His Dark Materials. Anyway, this whole paragraph was written as an introduction to the next one. For some reason, I felt the need to tell you the length and breadth of my sci-fi/fantasy world first.

Two summers ago, when I was reading all the Newbery Award winners, I found a new sci-fi/fantasy author who captured my heart: Robin McKinley. I know I talked about her before, when I was reading her retelling of the Beauty and the Beast story (which is so good, you guys), but I need to bring her up again, because she also wrote her own version of Sleeping Beauty, called Spindle's End, and I think it might even be better than Beauty. McKinley's princess is an utter tomboy, self-sufficient, intelligent, stubborn, brave. She despises the golden ringlets and long, luscious eyelashes bestowed upon her by her fairy godmothers and keeps her hair short and wears pants. She can also talk to animals--but like really talk to them, not the way Aurora did in the Disney movie, with the singing. Anyway, I have a feeling this girl's not going to need to be rescued by some fancy prince, so I can't wait to see what happens. Also, McKinley really knows how to tell a story, to create an utterly new place, and to flesh out her characters. I love them all--even the king and queen are a little bit more than two-dimensional stock characters. And in this story, the princess has younger brothers, a set of twins and then the youngest of the family. The narrator relates that the princes were growing up into fine young boys while their sister was in hiding, and on their eighth birthday, the twins gave their first public speeches, both saying they hoped to meet their sister soon, and then she includes this: "Terberus had added, suddenly, in his own voice, to what had obviously been a prepared speech, 'I would like a sister.'" I love details like this, and it shows how the royal family is composed of real people, too, who miss the daughter they lost/the sister they never got to meet. Everyone in McKinley's stories is human, and I love that. (I also love how the female heroes have several stereotypically masculine traits or do things the boys are supposed to do: Aerin slays dragons; Maid Marian is the real famous archer, while Robin Hood is merely competent; Rosie (our princess) dresses like a boy, suggests they bring the captive princess home to live in her adoptive village so she can be her guard, and works at horse doctoring with the village smith.)

I wish I had friends who read. I miss discussing books with other people. Huh. Who knew I secretly wanted to go back to college? That was the best thing about being an English major: half of my classes consisted of discussing literature. Even when I didn't like the books (fie on you, British novels of the 19th century!), I still loved picking them apart with others. That was also the best thing about honors civ: weekly seminars in which we discussed very important works of literature (sophomore year, anyway; I could never get into the ancient stuff we did freshman year).

Carlos and I used to refer to the 19th century as the "dark ages," because neither of us enjoyed a thing that came out of that time period. He was into medieval and ancient stuff in his art history studies, and I liked everything that came before and everything that came after the 19th century. That century, too, for some reason, was a huge gap in our knowledge of world history. I have plenty of other gaps in my knowledge of world history, but the 19th century is definitely the biggest one. The only book I enjoy that came from the 19th century is The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. I have still--after, like, eight years--yet to make up my mind about The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. But I think I'm leaning toward enjoying it.

I kind of love how at the end of "Turpentine" from Burlington, when Brandi lets us take over for the last "we're growing up," you can hear beer bottles clinking together. Nothin' like a concert in bar, y'all.

I never was cool

What did I tell you? If I bought a kitten, this would turn into a cat blog. I am now a crazy lesbian who likes her cat too much. At least I only have one. For now. And he's cute! So sue me.

Hey, so I finally accurately called the ending of a reality show! Of course, it was Shot at Love, so it's really nothing to be proud of, but two weeks ago, I bet the air in front of me ten bucks that Bobby would win, and the air in front of me has not paid up. That's what I get for making bets with things that are not even corporeal. So, hands up, who fell for MTV's attempt to make you think Tila suddenly changed her mind while making out with Bobby? Come on now. Not even she is that retarded. I can't believe MTV even tried. Also, she's a "singer/songwriter"? I indicate my disbelief with those quotation marks of sarcasm. Please. I believe model, but not singer/songwriter. Finally, could MTV be any more cliched? Lesbian love connection = Indigo Girls? At first, I kind of thought it was hilarious, their lack of imagination, but now I just find it gross. The Indigo Girls are too good for MTV reality trash. Of course, I still laughed all the way through "Least Complicated" last night--I don't take these things that seriously.

Some other fool across the ocean years ago
must have crashed his little airplane

If Brandi and the Indigo Girls were going to Texas, that would be a good excuse to go see Carlos--and drag him to the show. He likes the Indigo Girls a lot, though--and we played Amy Ray's solo album on Girly Sounds when it was in the add bin. And! We played a live version of "Shame on You" and totally forgot to censor that f-bomb Miss Ray drops. Whatever--I think that was when we had our radio show on, like, Sunday morning, and no one was listening. Jess told me she called him during Brandi's set at PC to get his butt down to wherever they were playing (where were they playing? the Alumni gym? Slavin lawn? I don't even know), convinced he'd love her, but I think he was just like, "Yeah, she's good." Oh, Carlos. I wonder if Josh was there. I'd think he'd have apprecianted that the girl tours with a cello player. However! Even if they were going to Texas, I kind of doubt they'd make it to El Paso--or anywhere near El Paso. Damn Texas is so huge. I'd have better luck dragging him to a show if they ended up in, like, Albuquerque. But is that any likelier than their appearing in El Paso?

Darker than night were the eyes of Felina
Wicked and evil while casting her spell

Do you know what I can't stand? (Many things, but here's just one.) When the phrase "all right" is written as one word: alright. It's not a word, people, just like "alot" is not a word. It's a phrase. Composed of two separate words. I also can't stand when people put apostrophes in plural words for no reason, like words is now word's. I hate that even more than your for you're. Seriously. Speaking of things I can't stand: why do people still use emoticons? They make me break out in hives. When I had a livejournal, my bio consisted of a quotation of a diatribe against emoticons lifted from the pages of Eats, Shoots & Leaves. Oh my god, I am such a nerd.

I don't wanna be the sober one
I don't wanna be your only one

Oh! And while we're still speaking of things I can't stand, let's move on to a lesser category: things that bug me--in songs, when a word is rhymed with itself. Avril Lavigne is the only perpetrator I can think of at the moment, because Carlos and I totally bonded over this issue while Jess made us listen to that song of hers that was on the radio senior year. I can't remember the name or any words or even the melody, but she rhymed a word with itself. And lately, it's happened in that Victoria's Secret commercial with the model babbling about the air bra or whatever the hell it is, and she rhymes air with itself. Hideous. The remedy for this is changing the word before the ending word and pronouncing them together, like they're one word that happens to rhyme with the word at the end of the preceding line. That makes it somewhat okay--because repetition can be necessary in a song or poem. I can't think of an example right now--those lines I spewed forth above don't really qualify, but they don't bug nearly as much as that Avril song or the Victoria's Secret commercial, because the repetition is necessary. Or I'm giving Brandi a pass. You decide.

I don't think most of that paragraph made any sense... Oh, well. Next bitch!

Speaking of next bitches, I bought Lizzy's album on cdbaby.com, and it's good. Weird like Lizzy--but good. Naturally, "Next Bitch" is still my fave. I miss when she would just hang around Dore, playing her guitar--once she even played Jen and me to sleep while we decided to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon. She's good peeps, Lizzy Picciallo is. Heh, and then another time, she, Carlos, Katrina, and I got baked at Katrina's house in the middle of the day, and we ate crunchy peanut butter sandwiches, and Carlos started freaking out in this way that was really hilarious, because I was too stoned to, like, decide if he was really freaking out or just being a doof. Drugs are bad for that boy.

That's not what I said
and that's not what I meant
To be honest
you lack substance

This quotes/lyrics in between paragraphs thing is probably not the new format for blog entries. It's just something I feel compelled to do right now. I have quotes and song lyrics tumbling around in my head at all times, and sometimes I just need to get them out.

I love it when snow has an ice covering, because the ground gets all smooth and shimmering, and then it's fun to, like, bust through it with your tattered Dr. Marten. It's also fun when it holds your weight, so you can walk on it gingerly, just waiting to fall through. Although that's more fun when someone's walking ahead of you, and he's the one who falls through. Whatever, people falling down is funny. I never said I went for highbrow humor. Or highbrow anything, for that matter.

We're livin' in a powder keg and givin' off sparks!

Those lyrics have nothing to do with anything, but "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is on the radio right now, and I love that line. So dramatic! You know what other song I forgot I loved? "Somebody to Love" by Queen. I heard it last night in my brother's car--my sixteen-year-old brother listens to classic rock stations. I suspect that this has something to do with Guitar Hero. (Also, is Guitar Hero hard? It sounds like the kind of video game I could get behind, but I have no sense of music timing and no finger coordination. So it's probably not hard, but it would be hard for me.) I should have asked for iTunes money for Christmas, because the way I sit at work downloading whatever song pops into my head gets expensive. (No I did not just download "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Hearing it on the radio is enough for me.)

Ever since I started bitching about the film version of The Golden Compass, people searching things related to it have stumbled upon here. I got two variations of "why did the master try to poison Lord Asriel?" and one about Mrs. Coulter and one: "who put the spyfly in the tin?" Well, to that last one, I say, intrepid googler, that that was Farder Coram. Now. Why did the Master try to poison Lord Asriel? That is a good question. Most likely because he thought that if Lord Asriel didn't set off for the North to, you know, build his bridge, he could prevent Lyra's destiny, because he loved Lyra and wanted to keep her safe. And clearly, the only way to stop Asriel is to kill him. But, um, if the alethiometer told him what was going to happen to Lyra, then it was going to happen. And it did happen, precisely because he tried to kill Lord Asriel. Oooh, fate is weird, innit?

By the way, none of you has predicted the future and told me the fate of The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass as films. I hate to say this, but I'm disappointed in all [three] of you.

Sometimes I wonder how I ever started lovin' you

I think this is in serious contention for best song title ever: "You're Pretty Good Looking (for a Girl)." I could never explain to you why I find the White Stripes' music so amazing--because I can't explain anything about music--but I love them so. Song titles like this just bolster the love some more.

If Ben Folds's audience participation bit in "Army" went head to head with Brandi and the boys' in "Turpentine," who would win? If the "Turpentine" bit went head to head with the "Not the Same" bit, Brandi and the boys would win, I think, but Ben's "Army" thing is so fun. Why is everything a competition for me?

When Canada is dead and gone, there'll be no more Celine Dion!

Forgive me if this is totally wrong, but I swear to god I heard Celine Dion singing "Feliz Navidad" on the radio yesterday, and now I'm too frightened to look it up and confirm. That song is awful enough as it is, but if Celine Dion is singing it? Shudder.

Speaking of Christmas music, though, I felt compelled to make a mix CD of songs that don't give me hives for the holidays:
1. "Welcome Christmas" - All the Whos down in Whoville
2. "Baby, It's Cold Outside" - Leon Redbone & Zooey Deschanel
3. "What's This?" - Danny Elfman (from The Nightmare Before Christmas)
4. "Donde esta Santa Claus?" - Guster
5. "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" - Barenaked Ladies & Sarah McLachlan
6. "I Saw Three Ships" - The Chieftains with Marianne Faithfull
7. "The First Noel/Mary, Mary" - Sarah McLachlan
8. "Spotlight on Christmas" - Rufus Wainwright
9. "2000 Miles" - The Pretenders
10. "Twelve Days of Christmas" - John Denver and the Muppets
11. "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" - Thurle Ravenscroft
12. "I Want an Alien for Christmas" - Fountains of Wayne
13. "All I Want for Christmas Is You" - Mariah Carey
14. "What Child Is This?" - Sarah McLachlan
15. "River" - Joni Mitchell
16. "Blue Christmas" - Bright Eyes
17. "The Heartache Can Wait" - some chick named Brandi
18. "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" - Martina Sorbara
19. "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" - Sixpence None the Richer
20. "One More Sleep 'Til Christmas" - Kermit the Frog
21. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - The Pretenders

Light on the Jesus, but I do still love some of the traditional songs. The best part of that Muppets' "Twelve Days of Christmas" is when they all join in for the "ba dum bum bum" after Miss Piggy wails "five goooooooold rings." I love it. (That's a good album title, right? No Hives for the Holidays? I'm a genius.)

Why I can't go to bed yet

Will you just look at this? I can't move him. And he's snoring! God damn, why am I such a softy for kitten cuteness?

Battle of the Bands Wrap Up

Okay, I lied. Yesterday was not it. Here is a little summary I felt compelled to type up.

Repeat Performers (3 or more battles)

Ryan Adams
Record: 5-1

Fiona Apple
Record: 2-1

The Beatles
Record: 4-3
Good god, that’s weird.

Blur
Record: 1-3
Blur did, in fact, win one. That’s so weird, because I love Blur. I used to have such a crush on Damon Albarn.

Melanie C.
Record: 0-4
Ouch. But that’s as it should be. I love her, but she’s totally not better than anyone else in my collection.

Brandi Carlile
Record: 7-2
Bet you thought she’d be undefeated. I’m not that crazy. I am almost that crazy, though.

Kelly Clarkson
Record: 2-3
A losing record! Aw, that kind of makes me sad. Unlike Melanie C., Kelly Clarkson is super talented, and I, like, am in love with her still. Oh well. She’s still not Brandi Carlile.

Guster
Record: 2-3
Oh no! A losing record for Guster, too? Stiff competition up in here.

Jewel
Record: 1-2
That’s not surprising really. I like Jewel, but I can kind of take her or leave her at this point.

Ben Kweller
Record: 3-3
Um, I guess I don’t love Ben as much as I thought I did. But, to be fair, he did get beaten by the Indigo Girls, Ben Folds, and Brandi, so… I do.

Lisa Loeb
Record: 1-3
Well, at least you won one, Lisa.

Dave Matthews
Record: 1-1-6
He had almost as many songs on this thing as Brandi. And he did not do nearly as well. I think it really is time for a Dave Matthews cleanse.

Alanis Morissete
Record: 3-0
Aha! Someone did go undefeated. Alanis did take three songs from her very greatest album into battle, but still. She deserves to be the champeen. Although, Brandi did take 3 times as many songs as she did into battle… Oh whatever. Alanis is awesome.

Phish
Record: 2-3
Aw, tough break there, fellas. I do still love you, though.

Rilo Kiley
Record: 2-1
Bested only by Guster—and they went up against Kelly Clarkson. Good work.

Semisonic
Record: 1-3
They just got smashed—by The Beatles, Brandi, and Joni Mitchell. There was no hope for them.

Rufus Wainwright
Record: 3-2
I love Rufus better than that. But he did lose to Joni and—strangely—to Dave Matthews.

Pete Yorn
Record: 3-0
Another undefeated! Where even did Pete Yorn come from? Well, if he had to go up against Alanis, he would lose.

So Alanis wins, y’all! And…Brandi comes in third. I guess. I don’t know. I think I win, because that was fun, and it kept me occupied while it was slow at work.

Okay, now it's over.

Of melodies pure and true

Who remembers the movie Rockadoodle? With the Elvis-rooster who won't crow anymore, so his farm gets thrown into a world of darkness and rain, and it starts to flood, and all the other animals have to convince him to come home and save the farm with his song or whatever. That was one of those movies, like All Dogs Go to Heaven, that Jeff and I repeatedly brought home from Video Thunder when we were small. But I hadn't even thought of it until sophomore year of college, when we were moving through The Canterbury Tales in my Chaucer class (best class ever, largely because it was the one class the Sweet Potatoes took together and because of Dr. S. Terri Curran's faces). Some pilgrim (I think it's the nun's priest, and I could look it up to confirm, but I won't) tells a story about a rooster named Chaunticleer and all his hen wives, and I was, like, "Hot damn, that name sounds familiar." And I only vaguely recalled the Elvis-rooster movie, and I thought the Elvis-rooster's name might have been Chaunticleer (in a modern English spelling: Chanticleer), but I had no idea what the movie was called. Thank heavens for the internet, because I put "Chaunticleer" into the imdb and it gave me Rockadoodle, and I was finally able to sleep at night. Anyway, I decided to tell that story today because when I called up the mighty iTunes store to officially purchase "The Heartache Can Wait," I saw that the free single of the week is from some group called Chanticleer, and it made me think of the Elvis-rooster movie and the good times Carlos and I had in Chaucer. Aw. Anyway, "chanticleer" means, whatever, like, "sing clearly" in French, so this group on iTunes has nothing to do with roosters, but I do not care. Also, I totally love that a kids' movie named its rooster after a character in a Chaucer story. Okay, so Chaucer didn't make that story up his own self, but I don't care.

Shall I buy Rivers's solo album? Decisions, decisions. I think Rivers needs Weezer, but that's just what I think. I also think it's cute that his name is Rivers, but I would never name a kid after nature. Plus, they're just home-recorded demos. I'm not sure I care that much.

All those year-end best album lists are coming out these days, and I feel like I only bought, like, five new albums this year. That's probably an underestimate, so let's see what I can remember:
The Story
My December
Icky Thump
Easy Tiger
One Cell in the Sea (that was new in 2007, right?)
Not Too Late
Little Voice

So that's seven. Clearly, The Story trumps them all. Oh! I bought Rufus's new one, Release the Stars, and totally forgot about it. Sorry, Rufus. Okay, I also bought the Joni Mitchell tribute album, which was largely disappointing, except for Sarah McLachlan's "Blue" and k.d. lang's "Help Me." James Taylor's "River" is abominable. You should be ashamed of yourself, James Taylor. And then I bought that charity CD with Brandi's "The Times They Are A-Changin'" on it, which was pretty good, and it was for charity, so I was okay with spending twelve bucks to essentially get one song. And I bought the soundtracks to At World's End, Order of the Phoenix, and Legally Blonde: The Musical.

Okay, here's some more:
Introducting Joss Stone, which is, like, way better than her first two albums
Wincing the Night Away, which I keep forgetting is new
Under the Blacklight, which is kind of terrible, except for "Silver Lining"--which I love with a passion I had heretofore reserved for girls whose last names start with C--and a few other songs
Shine, which I loved because I love Joni Mitchell rather fiercely, but I kind of really love her earliest stuff the best
Favourite Worst Nightmare, which I also keep forgetting was from this year, and it was not as good as Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

Right, then. Not counting soundtracks and compilations, I bought thirteen new albums this year. Thus! I will produce for you now Emily's Top Seven Albums of 2007.

7. Not Too Late - Norah Jones
6. One Cell in the Sea - A Fine Frenzy
5. Little Voice - Sara Bareilles
4. Wincing the Night Away - The Shins
3. Icky Thump - The White Stripes
2. My December - Kelly Clarkson
1. The Story - Brandi Carlile

I keep forgetting that The Story is, like, new. I feel like I've been listening to it for my entire life. I also feel like Ryan and Rufus should be on this list, but I haven't given either of their albums a fair chance yet, mostly because I have actually been listening to The Story for my entire life. Or the entirety of the year two-thousand-seven. Or to be most accurate, ever since April 3, 2007. Okay? Sheesh.

Well, that can't have been any more meaningless than anyone else's top albums of 2007, can it? Don't feel compelled to answer that. Instead, tell me what your top seven albums of the year are.

Don't make me get the hose!

There is a man at work who looks like Bob Hoskins! Or as I like to refer to him, Mr. Smee! I am well aware that Bob Hoskins has been in many a film, but for me, he will always be Mr. Smee, in the best Peter Pan movie ever: Hook.

"I've just had an apostrophe."
"I think you mean an epiphany."
"No. ... Lightning has just struck my brain."

If anyone had cared to ask my opinion, I would have suggested him for the role of Professor Slughorn in Half-Blood Prince, but no one did, so Jim Broadbent got the job. He does have experience playing a professor, anyway.

I don't know if you noticed, but I have rather unrefined taste in films. The last Oscar-nominated movie I saw, I think, was Chicago. I don't want films that make me, like, think. I don't want films that scare me or make me sad. I want films to entertain me. If I wanted to be, like, moved or to feel any kind of emotion, I would read a book. And I do. I read books frequently. Although, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire may have made me cry--shut up, it's awful when Harry drags Cedric's body back to Hogwarts, and his dad starts freaking out. More moving, though, is when Dumbledore says, "Cedric Diggory's death will not have been in vain." I think that's the part that made actual tears come. I am such a wuss. Okay, no wait, Brokeback won some Oscars, didn't it? And that made me sad and made me think and moved me. But guess what! It was based on a short story. Which I totally read first. So that was definitely the last serious film I saw, and I totally only saw it because I love the gays. (And I totally only read the story in preparation for seeing the movie. Whatever.)

The last movie I watched was Shrek 3. There was nothing intelligent about that film, but it entertained the crap out of me. Not as good as Shrek 2, but better than Shrek. I still have not read the story that served as the basis for these films (by William Steig), but I plan to. Some day. For now, I just bought myself a whole mess of books with my jar of change money (as an early Christmas present), and I've already plowed through two of them. Only three left! Okay, so I guess five isn't really "a whole mess," but it's more than I usually buy at once. And I imagine some family member or other (who I shall love forever) will be bestowing a Barnes & Noble gift card upon me this holiday season, and so I will be able to really buy a whole mess of books. I still haven't finished with Flannery or Homer, but they are slow going, y'all. Speaking of Homer, The Simpsons Movie comes out on DVD tomorrow! Another early Christmas present to myself? Or shall I ask someone to buy it for me? Decisions, decisions.

"He's not Spider Pig anymore. He's Harry Plopper."

I have bought Christmas gifts for my brothers and for Mike. Really, that just leaves my parents, since my other friends and I don't do Christmas presents (thank god, because I am the worst at picking out things for other people). My parents are impossible to shop for, so I usually just make my dad a batch of his favorite cookies and take them to his place on Christmas morning, but my mom doesn't like cookies--or baked goods of any kind--so I'm stuck. She said she wanted a yoga mat and a yoga video, and that means I actually have to go and look for these things, because I don't know where yoga paraphernalia hang out. (Is paraphernalia plural? It looks plural, but it sounds like one of those collective nouns--information, family, data--that we treat as singular in American English. Oh, whatever. I just bored myself.) The stores I frequent do not seem to carry yoga-related things--but the stores I frequent are Bath & Body Works (because they entice me there with the promise of a whopping $8 per hour of my time!) and Barnes & Noble. And Petsmart. Which reminds me! I am out of dry kitten food. And apparently, the cat needs to eat, like, every day. So needy.

Oh! "The Heartache Can Wait" is officially released on iTunes tomorrow, and even though I already ganked the mp3, I'll buy it. I am merely borrowing this unauthorized mp3 until I can get my hands on the legit copy, because, um, it's been, like, three weeks since they recorded it, and I could not have waited that long. But I will happily fork over my dollar, because this song--and supporting the band in any way I can--is totally worth it. I really wish I were going on one of those cruises in February. Jess would have come with me if we could have swung it. But she's spending her money on a trip to Texas, and I want to buy a new computer. Or a new car. Or maybe just a new iPod. (I don't need a new iPod, but I have such an issue resisting new and shiny things.)

Jess loves it when people talk about her, so I don't think she'll mind my reposting a facebook comment she left me here:

"I just watched that Turpentine vid, and I have several comments:
1) Brandi's eyes look incredible in that vid. The way they did the lighting or something.... but yeah, good job!
2) Ewwww! Why is she with a BOY! For some reason this vid disturbs me a bit.... I mean, a BOY!? WTF!? It would have been better if it were a girl.
3) Despite the fact that it's a boy (ahhhhh, a boy! I don't verk vit da males, 'cause I usedta BE one!), I found the ending incredibly adorable."

Other than the absence of a vest comment, it's pretty much exactly what I thought when I first watched it. And instead of a Mean Girls quote, she serves up a Mrs. Doubtfire quote, which is almost as good. You should hear Jess do that line, too--she's almost as good as Robin Williams. She's a comedic genius. Anyway, then I told her the song was about Brandi's brother, and she decided it was okay that there was a boy in the video. You should also hear her sing "Follow"--amazing. Heh. Although, if you were in the Orpheum lobby before the show, you probably did hear her, because she would not stop.

I hope that when I go home, I find that At World's End and Order of the Phoenix are waiting for me, because I don't have to work tonight, and a night of movies and kitten-cuddling sounds like bliss.

Battle of the Bands IX

So I actually finished this on Wednesday, but I haven't gotten around to posting it. I know you were all eagerly awaiting the conclusion. Whatever. I need things to be finished, dammit.

T
“Thirteen”: Ben Kweller vs. Big Star
The Decision: This Big Star song is another Gilmore Girls track, and by now I’m sure you know how I feel about Ben.
Winner: Ben Kweller

“Too Much”: Dave Matthews Band vs. Spice Girls
The Decision: This was my least favorite Dave Matthews song back when I liked them a lot more than I do now. And this is my second favorite Spice Girls song. (Bet you can’t guess my first favorite!)
Winner: Spice Girls

“Trouble”: Shawn Colvin vs. Dave Matthews
The Decision: I love Shawn Colvin. I bought this album, A Few Small Repairs, when “Sunny Came Home” was all over the radio (a song about arson! awesome!), and I fairly wore it out. Ten years later, it’s still awesome. Um, sorry, Dave.
Winner: Shawn Colvin

“Turn It Up”: Blur vs. Save Ferris
The Decision: Has Blur even won one of these? Well, the sympathy vote will not fly here. Especially since I love geeking out to this Save Ferris song.
Winner: Save Ferris

“29”: Ryan Adams vs. Gin Blossoms
The Decision: I don’t know if I’m having a brain stroke or something, but this Ryan Adams sounds like “Truckin’.” To me. So it wins! (Bet you didn’t know I was an amateur Dead Head—why would you, what with all the Spice Girls strewn about here?)
Winner: Ryan Adams

U
“Until I Die”: Brandi Carlile vs. Ben Kweller
The Decision: You know by now that both Ben and Brandi almost always get free passes from me, because I love them so, but I love Brandi the best. And I definitely love this song better, because of this: “Run, run, run/catch me if you can, can, can/come and hold my hand/and I’ll be your biggest fan.” Ben can’t top that.
Winner: Brandi Carlile

W
“Wait”: The Beatles vs. Sarah McLachlan vs. Get Set Go
The Decision: Rubber Soul might be my favorite Beatles album, so they’re the heavy favorites in this match-up, but this Get Set Go song (from the Grey’s soundtrack) is getting to me. Oh, come on. They’re The Beatles.
Winner: The Beatles

“Wake Up”: The Ditty Bops vs. Alanis Morisette
The Decision: I said it would take a really good song to best any of the offerings on Jagged Little Pill (except “Ironic”—I hate that song), and The Ditty Bops probably came the closest out of everyone, but…
Winner: Alanis Morissette

“What You Are”: Dave Matthews Band vs. Drill
The Decision: More and more, I’m wondering why I still have all these Dave Matthews albums. There are still songs I like, but I don’t need to have everything anymore. That obsession is so over. And this Drill song is from Empire Records. Come on. How can you beat that? (If you don’t like Empire Records, you’re not my friend.)
Winner: Drill

“Why”: Melanie C. vs. Annie Lennox
The Decision: Okay, I have no shame in saying I love Sporty Spice, but this song is just bad. Baaaad.
Winner: Annie Lennox

“Window”: Guster vs. Fiona Apple
The Decision: Hot damn, I listened to this Guster song without even hearing it. And I do adore Fiona’s latest album. Sorry, boys.
Winner: Fiona Apple

“Wishful Thinking”: The Ditty Bops vs. Wilco
The Decision: Well, just this once, Wilco, I don’t like this song so much. And The Ditty Bops need to redeem themselves after getting slammed by Alanis.
Winner: The Ditty Bops

“Wonderland”: Collapsis vs. Dexter Freebish
The Decision: I only ever listened to this Dexter Freebish album, because Mike said they were his favorite band in high school. And I only bought this Collapsis album because they had a song on the first season of Roswell, but the Collapsis album turned out to be pretty good. Who knew.
Winner: Collapsis

Well, that's it. As Jess (or her brother?) might say, thanks for playin'!

So my choice is... or death?

I have a bunch of things to say. First of all, this snow that is blizzarding around in New England will not stop people from doing their Christmas shopping, but it will indeed stop me from being at the mall to wait on their asses. Well, the blizzarding snow and my horrible tires. I have asked Santa many a time for new tires for Christmas, and hopefully he'll come through.

Second: Eddie motherfuckin' Izzard is going to be the voice of Reepicheep in this crazy ass Prince Caspian film. I know I was having reservations about this movie, but they all just went out the window, because I think that it awesome. I fucking love Eddie Izzard.

Third: Brandi Carlile did indeed play "The Heartache Can Wait" at this Christmas show in Portland on Friday, and she did not play it on the piano. I think I like it on guitar, and as long as Josh is there, the song's still amazing, but the piano makes it more Joni Mitchell-ish. Which I like a lot, a lot. And she even acknowledged that her song was "River"-ish. Hooray. Now I would like her to learn a Joni Mitchell song for her next U.S. tour. "A Case of You" or "Blue" would be good. Thanks, Brandi!

Fourth: girl was barefoot at this Portland show. I saw a picture. But she was wearing that blazer she wore at the Avalon, and I do not love that thing. And as much as I want to meet her, the only thing I want to ask her is still whether she's read The Neverending Story. Is that weird?

Fifth (just so you'll be positive that I am weird): Last night, I met my mom and some of her friends out to dinner for her birthday, and I was exhausted, so I got kind of drunk on two beers again, and I declared that my mom was my favorite person in the whole world (this might, in fact, be true--but there's no need to verbalize this in public), and my mom's friend was like, "And who's second?" And I just went, "Hmm," like I'll never tell, and then I said, so just my mom could hear, "Brandi Carlile," and she just laughed. But that may also, in fact, be true.

Oh, of course it's not true. I haven't even made her fall in love with me yet. Mike! is my second favorite person in the whole world.

The moon is just half full

I am mad and sad. Mostly sad. Brandi's playing a buncha more shows in December and January, all over the country, and none of them are anywhere near me. Wah. And I imagine she'll be playing "The Heartache Can Wait" at the December shows, and I'd kind of kill to hear that live. Although, I think the December shows are all, like, multi-act shows, so she gets the stage for half an hour. What a rip. She deserves so much more than half an hour. I keep saying "she," but really I mean "they," because she's got those boys with her all the time, and they help make sure the concerts are at their awesomest. Still, I would totally go to hear Brandi and the boys for half an hour, if these shows weren't on the other damn side of the country.

I just realized that my phone must have deleted the only voicemail I've ever saved, Jess's call from the Copley concert, and that made me sad. I was at work, and she called me during "The Story," and the message started right at "swam all across the ocean blue," which is the part of the song I fucking love, almost as much as the final "all of these lines" freakout, and the quality was for shit, but I could never listen to that message and not be in a good mood. But I'd forgotten it for a while, and now it's gone. Double sigh.

Oh, that makes me remember: in the recording of "The Times They Are A-Changin'" from the Avalon, her voice breaks on the word just in the line "just as the present will soon be the past," and it gets me every time. I love it when she does that. And Allison told me that the CDs of the Burlington concert I burned for her are on permanent rotation, so hooray for that, because it is totally my crazy influence that made her like Brandi Carlile in the first place. Everyone needs live Brandi in their lives--and I need more. Dammit. Especially since I cannot afford Spice Girls tickets.

I am so greedy. And crazy. But I can't help it. I feel deprived. I think what I really need, first and foremost, is a nap.

You know, I'd kind of written off those Counting Crows songs that got played to death on the stupid radio, like "Mr. Jones" and "A Long December," but I realized that "A Long December" has this one awesome line in it that my made my heart catch when I really heard it, for some reason: "All at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl." Killed me.

Like these bitches don't have enough money already

I already told you I had a crush on Sporty Spice when I was, like, thirteen, so I don't mind telling you that I am devastated that I cannot go to any of the Spice Girls' reunion concerts. Devastated! Can you even imagine how awesomely gay one of those shows would be? Oh my god, so much gayer than the American Idol concert. There has to be a concert DVD, though, right? Even though just the DVD would not be nearly as gay as seeing it in person, I would still accept it. When Allison was home for Thanksgiving, we watched Spiceworld and cried about how we couldn't go to any of the concerts, but that bitch lives in Toronto--and they're playing four shows there. What, exactly, is her excuse?

Oh, holy shit. I just found out they're coming to Boston on January 30. Fuck me. Do I want to sell an organ to get tickets? Fuck! I really will have to sell an organ to get tickets: $122 apiece--and that's from Ticketmaster, not even a scalper. Forget it. I totally can't swing that. Oh that makes me so sad. If I were to, um, magically get tickets though, who would even go with me? Allison will be in Canada. I don't think I could drag Mike to this madness. Ryan would totally go. But neither of us can afford this shit. God dammit.

I'm angry and boring

I hate Train. Mostly for that "Drops of Jupiter" song. I HATE them. I don't care if I love that song about pirates (that's not really about pirates) that Pat Monahan recorded. He recorded it with Brandi Carlile, and she alone cancels out my hatred for Train. But oh lord. "Drops of Jupiter" makes me want to stab myself in the face. I think I almost hate it as much as I hate Colbie Caillat.

I decided to pay my credit card bill this morning, and I found a mysterious charge from Front Gate Tickets, which is apparently located in Austin, Texas, on my list of things I've spent money on in the past month, and I was like, "What the fuck is this? I have never been to Austin, Texas. I have not even bought tickets to anything from a place that could be based in Austin, Texas, in, like, two months." Turns out Front Gate Tickets it the agency that provides tickets to Higher Ground shows, and it took them almost two months to charge me for the Brandi Carlile tickets I bought at the end of September. Christ.

I love Legos, and it is making me sad that my cat does too. Because he shows his love by destroying these amazing things I've built over the past, like, fifteen years of my life. Stop eating the monorail, Charles Wallace! But what can I do? I have nowhere to put them but the basement, which is Charles's favorite place. I almost want to buy more Legos, but that will just end in tragedy, I'm sure.

Monorail before my Godzilla cat ate it:
Somebody predict the future and tell me the fate of turning the rest of His Dark Materials into films. And do it now. Thanks!

iTunes loooooves Brandi Carlile. I can't get it to stop playing her. Like I'd want to. But it's more frequent than it should be when the stupid thing is supposed to be shuffling through over 5,000 songs. It just played her again! Twice in fifteen minutes. Like that's helping my obsession abate.

I took Thursday and Friday off from my real job this week, because I apparently have a lot of vacation time I need to use before the end of the year. Hooray for that, because I have to work at Bath & Body Works every night but Friday, and I think it might kill me. I can't even wait to see the schedule for next week, when the mall will be open till eleven. Blarf. Tell me, who wants to be shopping after ten o'clock? I know next week is the week before Christmas and all, but seriously? Eleven o'clock? And I don't know about the other stores at the mall, but Bath & Body Works takes forever to close, because the store is always a fucking mess at the end of the night, and we have to fix it and deal with the millions of boxes of gift sets they're still (needlessly) sending us, and if the store doesn't close until eleven, I won't get home until one. Fuck. That.

My tapestry's unraveling

How on earth did I miss this? "Christian interviews that, because they are all so very fierce, he is calling them Team Star. Because 'Team Star is like hot, like star, like celebrity.'" I do not like Christian anymore. That's just hideous. But what makes this kind of okay is what Jeff, Television Without Pity recapper, says next: "What have we become, America? He's funny and all, and maybe I'm 100 or something, but that's so fucking stupid. Paris Hilton, what have ye wrought? I feel somehow that I can blame her for this." I feel that he can, too, because Christian talks like a tiny, gay-man Paris Hilton clone. Yuck!

Book crises abound

I told Allison that the film adaptation of The Golden Compass hurt my soul, and she said, "I like that books are part of your soul. It gives you character." Snerf. She may have been making fun of me a little bit, and I may have exaggerated when I said that, but I think books are part of my soul. I certainly would not be who am I without all the books I've read. If I ever go blind, my life will be over. Um, until I learn Braille.

Well, The Golden Compass topped the box office this weekend, but it only did 26 million dollars. That's half of what it needed to do to be considered a success because of the enormous budget--allegedly: some bitch I saw on CNN the other morning said that it needed to do $50 million opening weekend. This is bad news, bears. And pretty pathetic compared to what The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and even The Chronicles of Narnia did on their various opening weekends. (I don't know why, but I was so surprised that I wasn't the only person in America dying to see The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.) His Dark Materials is a better series than all of those--except The Lord of the Rings, I guess. I mean, I love The Lord of the Rings, but Tolkein's writing is really not very accessible. Pullman's is. Rowling's is almost overly accessible. C.S. Lewis's is juuuust right. Also, the fact that I love both His Dark Materials and The Chronicles of Narnia is causing an epic struggle in my soul, because His Dark Materials is, like, a rebuttal of The Chronicles of Narnia, which Pullman called "religious propaganda." Sigh. You can't ignore the Christian themes in Narnia, but I don't know. I love it anyway. Hopefully, I can work out some way where I can love both of these series without having to fight with myself.

I'd really like to know, too, since The Golden Compass was barely hyped up (compared to these other fantasy franchises), how many people who haven't read the books actually went to see it. Mike and I both wanted to see it before even I'd read the books, but that's because we're kind of obsessed with movie trailers. And! Did the people who've read the books boycott it? God, I hope not. I know I was hard on it, but I think the movie has some merits. Maybe I am just saying this, because I want The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass, which is the best book, to be made into movies. They should have just filmed all three at once like The Lord of the Rings, but it would seem that that's the only trilogy that could have ever guaranteed that all three movies would be box office smash hits. Maybe they should have waited fifty years to make His Dark Materials, giving the nerds a real chance to get obsessed. (I don't really think that would have worked, but I just don't know what to do.)

Spoiler alert!

I wonder if the non-readers picked up on what might happen next, though, because Roger and Lyra won't stop saying, "We're in this together. Together. Togethertogethertogether" at the end of the film. I imagine most people would be like, "Hmm. Perhaps you're going to be separated," but I don't think anyone will be prepared for just how heartbreaking their separation is. I know I sure as fuck wasn't. When I was re-reading the book last week in preparation for seeing the movie, this line: "only Pantalaimon, shaking Salcilia [Roger's daemon] firmly, was able to keep Roger from shouting out and leaping up to greet his best friend, his comrade in arms, his Lyra" made me cry because now I knew what was coming. Roger would follow Lyra to hell without a second thought--and that's where she takes him, and it hurts my heart how that happens. But the best part is that she fucking follows him, eventually, in spite of the enormous pain it causes her and Pan, because Lyra is nothing if not loyal.

And, while I'm here, let me bitch about this: Mrs. Coulter telling Lyra that she's her mother irritated the piss out of me, because Mrs. Coulter never admits to being Lyra's mother (to Lyra) until The Amber Spyglass. I don't know if she even knows that Lyra knows. Clearly, I need to read the rest of the trilogy again. But anyway, I guess it's more dramatic the way it happens in the movie than just having John Faa tell Lyra, and it's nothing on my irritation scale compared to what happens next. While Mrs. Coulter is telling Lyra that she's her mother, Lyra has taken out the mother-fucking alethiometer to verify this information! What the hell? How on earth is Mrs. Coulter supposed to fall for the spyfly tin trick if you have the alethiometer in your hands right in front of her? When Mrs. Coulter tries to weasel the alethiometer away from her daughter, Lyra has it stashed away in the ceiling with her winter clothes. Because she is smart. And! Because the Master told her to keep the alethiometer secret--but most of all never to show it to Mrs. Coulter--and she does all she can to keep it away from that woman. She never, ever would have whipped it out in front of her. God, I can't believe I forgot to bitch about that until just now.
No more spoilers.

Who is doing the voiceover at the beginning of the film, by the way? Lyra as an adult? I effing hate the voiceover at the beginning of the film.

You know the thing that hooked me, though, on the book? The very beginning, when little British Lyra fucking hides in a wardrobe--and keeps the door open a crack because, of course, "it is very foolish to shut oneself up in any wardrobe." Or she wants to spy on the scholars some more, but whatever. Lyra is almost nothing like Lucy, though, but that doesn't matter. Both of their adventures begin because they've hidden in a wardrobe.

You know what I kind of want to know now? If Madeleine L'Engle had an opinion on His Dark Materials. She seems like the kind of religious person who could get behind Pullman's message, that dogmatism and oppression have got to go.

Um, more spoilers, all the way through the end of the trilogy:
Here's a thing: I've read some criticism that Pullman doesn't even broach the subject of Jesus in his retelling of Paradise Lost, and thus everything is simply too shallow (or some shit), but I would like to argue that Will and Lyra play the part of Jesus, descending into hell to free the souls trapped there. Seriously, when they're in the land of the dead, they even create a landslide, which is exactly what happened when Jesus went down there--according to Dante, anyway. Will and Lyra have conquered death, you see, just like Jesus did. SO SUCK ON THAT. They're even better than Jesus, because there's no need for a bloody fucking sacrifice--but they both make a huge sacrifice to be able to go to down to the land of the dead, just as hard, if not harder, than Jesus's giving himself up to the Roman soldiers. Then they have to make another sacrifice to keep the door out of the land of the dead open--but it's nothing compared to the first sacrifice they made. So Will and Lyra are not only Adam and Eve, but they are also the redeemers. Since there is no God in His Dark Materials, Pullman can't do a "son of God" thing, so I don't know how you can even list that as a criticism, but he does have characters who do what Jesus was sent to earth to do. Isn't that awesome, though? The characters who were viewed as the root of sin are actually the saviors of humanity. Come on! Philip Pullman, I could kiss you on the mouth. end of spoilers

Interestingly, it's not C.S. Lewis's Adam and Eve (King Frank and Queen Helen) who bring evil into brand new Narnia--it's Digory, who isn't an allegorical figure as far as I can tell. But I guess Digory still commits the original sin--then rectifies it (for a time--of course the Jesus lion has to rectify it for good a thousand years later) by picking (but not eating) an apple. Blarf. Original sin is ridiculous. However! Most of English literature has been influenced by the Bible, and if I just look at it as a bunch of stories and not the answer to life's questions, I can handle it. Most of the time. Like when Madeleine L'Engle retells the story of Noah and the flood in Many Waters--I love that. She's the greatest, Madeleine L'Engle is. Or was, I guess. Sigh.

Battle of the Bands VIII

Letter S today, folks.

S
“Santa Fe”: Newsies vs. Rent
The Decision: Aw, battle of the musicals! I have to give this one, though, to the song I had stuck in my head the entire time I was actually in Santa Fe.
Winner: Rent

“Satellite”: Guster vs. Dave Matthews Band vs. Anna Nalick
The Decision: Even when I was kind of obsessed with the Dave Matthews Band, I never liked this song, really. And I do adore Guster. And Anna Nalick is basically a non-entity to me.
Winner: Guster

“Saturday Night”: Kaiser Chiefs vs. Ta-Gana
The Decision: Well, obviously. This Ta-Gana monstrosity is for some reason included on the 10 Things I Hate About You soundtrack, and I would rather not discuss the reasons I own that right now. Let’s just keep this short.
Winner: Kaiser Chiefs

“Shine”: Trey Anastasio vs. Carbon Leaf vs. Imogen Heap vs. Joni Mitchell
The Decision: Trey is instantly disqualified for being the lead singer of Phish and yet somehow letting this song be on a Bath & Body Works store CD (and thus ruining any chance for me to even like it a little bit). Next bitch! I do not like this Carbon Leaf song, I’ve decided. I do like this Imogen Heap song, and this Joni Mitchell song is so brand spanking new I haven’t decided what I think about it yet. I might have to listen to both of them again. Well, it was tough, but one girl had to win, eh?
Winner: Joni Mitchell

“Silver Lining”: David Gray vs. Rilo Kiley
The Decision: This song is the reason I kept this David Gray album in the iTunes library, but I can’t get enough of this Rilo Kiley song. When this album came out, it was the only song that managed to break through the “all Brandi Carlile, all the time” thing I had going. If you don’t realize what a big deal that is, you clearly haven’t been reading this blog. At all.
Winner: Rilo Kiley

“Sleep”: Imogen Heap vs. Phish
The Decision: I like this Imogen Heap song more than I realized. Sorry, Phish. I feel like you’re taking kind of a beating in this.
Winner: Imogen Heap

“Smile”: Grant-Lee Phillips vs. Weezer
The Decision: Oh, Weezer. I haven’t been listening to them lately, and I miss them. This is what happens when you get obsessed with some girl from Washington. You start neglecting the other bands you love. This other song is from Gilmore Girls, so it’s good, but I have no emotional attachment to it.
Winner: Weezer

“So Long”: Guster vs. Rilo Kiley
The Decision: Well, as much as I love Rilo Kiley, this is my very favorite Guster song.
Winner: Guster

“Someone Else’s Song”: Lifehouse vs. Wilco
The Decision: Well, I really liked this Lifehouse song in high school, and I really liked this Wilco song in college. Hmm.
Winner: Wilco

“Something”: The Beatles vs. Shakira
The Decision: Oh, how ridiculed would I be if I said Shakira was better than the Beatles? I’m not an idiot, you know.
Winner: The Beatles

“Stay”: Jorane vs. Lisa Loeb
The Decision: Battle of the Girly Sounds radio show staples! This has never been my fave Lisa song because it’s the only one they played on the radio. And they played it all the time. That really does ruin music for me. And this Jorane bitch plays the cello.
Winner: Jorane

“Stay Away”: Nirvana vs. Rooney
The Decision: I think it’s a rule in this thing that if you’re a band from Seattle, it’s going to be nigh impossible to beat you, and Rooney, you are no Jenny Lewis or Ben Folds.
Winner: Nirvana

“Sunday Morning”: Ani DiFranco vs. No Doubt
The Decision: Well, this is the best No Doubt song of all time. Sorry, Ani.
Winner: No Doubt

Maybe I am learning?

Well, that last post was barely articulate, huh? And perhaps I overreacted. The Neverending Story is a way worse adaptation, for real. How about I list a few things I liked about the movie, then?

The opening scene with Lyra, Roger, and the gyptian children. Lyra's story about the robe and showing how seriously these kids seem to take their wars were brilliant.

The spyfly scene: just as good as it was in the book. Suck on that, Marisa.

The environment the movie created was beautiful. I loved all the various vehicles, especially Lee's airship.

Hester. I fucking love Hester, and even though she was in the movie for five seconds, she was awesome.

Freddie Highmore did a perfect Pan voice. I kind of love this kid.

Serafina Pekkala sure was purty--and deadly. I have such a weakness for archers.

Sam Elliott is almost exactly as I pictured Lee.

I totally love the guy they picked to be Farder Coram. John Faa and Ma Costa were also well cast.

Oh! Here's something amazing: something I think the movie improved! When Lyra destroys Bolvangar in the book, she sets some flour on fire on the gas stove. In the movie, she makes the intercission machine explode. That was pretty badass--way more badass than setting flour on fire.

Here's something I couldn't stand in the movie: why on earth did Mrs. Coulter just come out and tell Lyra about the bear king's wanting a daemon? Explain that to me. No, really, do, because I can't figure it out.

More The Golden Compass and The Subtle Knife spoilers for you now:

Also, forget the fact that I just can't stand the end of the movie the way it is; I still don't understand how we're going to go from the Roger's death and Asriel and Marisa's reunion to Will in our London. There's no transition for that; that's why a whole new novel starts when we go to Will in London. The bridge can't be the transition, because it takes Asriel to his world and Lyra to Cittagazze. And Will doesn't tell Lyra anything about him--and the only thing the alethiometer tells her is that he's a murderer. (I love that, too, how she's, like, "Sweet. He's a murderer, just like my pops and Iorek Byrnison. No worries, then.") But I suppose the alethiometer could tell her more in the movie--and I suppose I would have to throw a fit about that. [end spoilers]

Mike kind of convinced me to, like, hold out hope for the other movies, but I hear that this movie is kind of tanking at the box office, so will they even make the other movies? And if they do, how will they deal with the religion thing? Satisfactorily? Doubtful. Sigh.

In a totally unrelated note, why would you cheat on Emma Thompson? That storyline of Love Actually always makes me so upset. Thank god Keira Knightley, Colin Firth, and Liam Neason's stepson are so cute.

I really will never learn

I have never been more disappointed in the film adaptation of a book I loved. Wait, did I say that about The Neverending Story already? Well, it's close between these two, then. Serious spoilers for both film and book versions of The Golden Compass follow. As well as spoilers for the other books in the His Dark Materials trilogy. Also, if you've seen the movie but not read the book (and you want to), please don't read any further, because the movie doesn't contain the ending of the book, and I don't want to give it away.

Okay, seriously, I even already knew that the ending to the film was wrong, but I was still shocked and outraged by what had been done when I actually saw it for myself. Because it's awful. It's just awful, what they've done to the book. This is one of those times when I wish I had seen the movie first and then been all, "I must now read the book!" because I have this serious problem, which I only became able to articulate when I took novels into film senior year (best class ever--and it was an honors credit): I cannot separate the movie from the book upon which it was based and discuss it as a separate piece of art--which it is. If I've read the book first, anyway--and, if I loved the book, it of course becomes more difficult.

And people, I love The Golden Compass. Let's start with the end, shall we? The end of the movie is everyone together in Lee's balloon, going off to save Lord Asriel. This could not be more different than the ending of the book: everyone's scattered; Roger's dead; and Lyra is totally and utterly on her own--except for Pan. I cannot believe they did not finish the story; Lord Asriel has not created his bridge; Lyra has not betrayed her best friend--what the fuck? I really don't understand how they could begin a movie with what was supposed to happen at the end of this one. Especially when the next installment begins in our world with a completely new character. And if we only find out what happened because Lyra tells Will or some shit, I will scream. This was one of the most heart-wrenching things ever: when Lyra realized just what, exactly, she had brought her father, and leaving it out just sucked any power out of the movie.

A lot of things they left out sucked out the power from the movie. Like the daemon connection--that barely came across in the movie. And, oh god, when Lyra finds Tony Makarios, and he keeps asking for his Ratter, and no one will go near him because to see a human without a daemon for them is like seeing someone without a head for us--it is so sad. And then when he dies! And Lyra scratches "Ratter" on a coin for him, trying to make sure that he and his daemon stay together in death--I totally cried. And that is not in the movie at all! When Lyra comes back with Billy (who plays the part of Tony for the film, I guess), everyone's just like, "It'll be okay, Billy. We'll get Ratter back" like seeing him without his daemon did not totally terrify them. And no! It will not be okay! He and his daemon are separated forever. Why did they leave that out? They left out the adults who'd had the intercission done, too, so we don't really know what Mrs. Coulter is trying to accomplish from just what we get in the film.

Okay, so second of all, the plot is totally out of order: in the movie, Lyra is taken to Svalbard when she's captured by the Samoyeds, which is just retarded, but I see that it had to be that way so that the movie could end the way stupid Chris Weitz wanted it to. And then when she goes to Bolvangar by herself and enters it willingly, it just makes no sense. You never really get to see just how cunning and resourceful she is, and that's a big part of why Lyra is so awesome. Anyway, since they did the bear part out of order, I guess I'll talk about how that was all wrong next.

I realize that things have to happen faster in a movie than they usually do in a book, but still, this thing with the bears happened way too fast. We didn't see any of how Iofur Rakinson (which is not the bear king's name in the movie, by the way, for no reason I can see--but I can't remember what they named him, so I'm just going to call him Iofur Rakinson) has been trying to turn the bears into humans--and that is exactly how Lyra is able to manipulate him and exactly how Iorek is able to defeat him. Because Iorek tells Lyra that is impossible to trick a bear, because bears are not like humans. But when bears act like humans, they can be tricked, Miss Lyra discovers. That is also why Iorek christens her Silvertongue--because she tricked a mother-fucking bear. He still calls her Silvertongue in the movie, but for no fucking reason, because we don't know that you cannot trick a bear. And, when he learns how Lyra has tricked Iofur, Iorek tricks him himself, pretending to be wounded to take the king off his guard--and ultimately defeating him. Also! They totally made up why Iorek was an exile--and how Iofur came to be king. Iorek never lost a single combat; he killed a bear, and that is why he was exiled. Oooh, ooh, this is also important, because it parallels him to Lord Asriel. He fought with another bear over a female and won, but the bear wouldn't back down, so Iorek killed him and was exiled. And Lord Asriel had an affair with Mrs. Coulter, and when Mr. Coulter found out and tried to kill Asriel, Asriel killed him and was exiled, basically. And Asriel and Iorek are the two male figures Lyra admires most in her life (until the very end of the novel), and these details are very important, okay? Argh.

Poor Serafina Pekkala did almost nothing in the movie, and that made me sad, but I don't feel the need to go any further than that.

I am very upset that Fra Pavell is in the movie--we don't meet him until The Subtle Knife, and then he is only given one specific job to do. And I am very upset that he tried to poison Lord Asriel, not the Master of Jordan College, because having the Master try to poison Asriel, who seems to be one of the good guys, just makes the whole thing more complex. Who is right and who is wrong? It's way too clear in the movie that the magesterium is evil, and those who oppose it are good.

Okay, so I didn't expect the religious parallels to be so evident as they are in the books, but they are utterly absent from the movie. How are they going to deal with what comes later, then? Because Lyra, Will, and Mary are ultimately recreating the story of Eve, Adam, and the serpent in the garden--and you cannot escape that. Lyra has a name that only the witches call her, and Mrs. Coulter goes through any lengths she can to learn this name, torturing witches, until one finally confesses that it is "Eve." Lyra is the second Mother Eve. Like, god damn, that's pretty serious. In the novel, Asriel tells Lyra that Mrs. Coulter and her ilk believe Dust to be the physical evidence of original sin, and that is why they want to do away with it. In the movie, Mrs. Coulter tells Lyra that a long, long time ago "some of our ancestors" made a very bad decision, and that is how Dust got into the world and started fucking everything up. Good god, how vague is that? But I guess when you're making a movie, you have to be vague, because the entire trilogy basically seems to exist to say that organized religion is a crock of shit--used by the few to keep the many submissive and weak. Which is Marxist, isn't it? And I love it. But you know that would offend all kinds of crazy bastards.

So. This was clearly a difficult movie to translate to film, and I did not expect it to be perfect, but shit, bitches, it wasn't even close. There are more things that just made me ill, but I can't think of them now. I'm sure I'll be writing about this for days.

Best weekend ever

Since it's Saturday, and I don't have to work anywhere, I figured I'd give you some random information about me.

My literary heroes:
Jo March
Laura Ingalls
Lucy Pevensie
Aerin Sol
Tom Sawyer
Nate the Great

Battle of the Bands VII

Here are letters N-R.

N
“Northern Star”: Melanie C. vs. Hole
The Decision: Okay, so maybe I was a little bit in love with Sporty Spice when I was fifteen. Tell me you didn’t have an embarrassing teenybopper obsession. I know; I know. I’m not fifteen now, but it’s hard to get rid of music, okay? That’s why I still have all these Dave Matthews albums. Also, say “hole.” Heh, “hole.” It’s fun!
Winner: Hole

“Not Today”: Kelly Clarkson vs. Jump, Little Children
The Decision: I just started listening to the rest of this Jump, Little Children album, Magazine somewhat recently--I had previously only been interested in “Cathedrals.” This song is good, but Kelly Clarkson has to win something. I also totally love this song of hers.
Winner: Kelly Clarkson

P
“Paper Bag”: Fiona Apple vs. Anna Nalick
The Decision: Oh, jeez. This is one of my favorite Fiona Apple songs—or maybe my favorite Fiona Apple song; I haven’t decided yet—and Anna Nalick is just… Not as good. You remember that song “Breathe” that died a horrible death in my collection from too much radio airplay (and from totally ruining that montage at the end of the bomb scare episode of Grey’s)—none of her songs are really better than that. Even though she does use a line from “No Rain” in this song. Okay, so I think this song may be better than “Breathe”—but not better enough.
Winner: Fiona Apple

“Perfect”: Guster vs. Alanis Morissette
The Decision: I said earlier that it would take a really good song to beat something from Jagged Little Pill, and I love Guster, but this is not that song.
Winner: Alanis Morissette

R
“Recently”: Dave Matthews Band vs. Polaris
The Decision: Well, I’ve said before I’m growing disenchanted with a lot of DMB’s stuff, and this Polaris song is from The Adventures of Pete & Pete. That says it all, I think.
Winner: Polaris

“Run”: Indigo Girls vs. Ben Kweller
The Decision: Oh, god this is hard. I, like, am in love with the Indigo Girls’ latest album, and I’ve never met a Ben Kweller song I didn’t love. However, Emily Saliers does not have any grammatical errors in her song. “I have ran”? Come on, Ben.
Winner: Indigo Girls

Television overdose

God damn, 30 Rock was funny last night. I don't think I've laughed out loud at the television that much since Futurama was still new. There's a reason Tina Fey comes in second only to Brandi Carlile on my imaginary girlfriends list (sorry, Kelly). And it's not the glasses. Okay, it's not entirely the glasses. Oh, whatever. You love Tina Fey, too. You know you do.

Runway was rather underwhelming, wasn't it? And I found Jillian's collection alarmingly fug. Whatever fabric that was that they all used, it was hideous--it looked like denim, but I guess it wasn't? Was it gray? I really can't say. And I always hate shorts on the runway. Except that time Michael put Nazri in hot pink hot pants. That was okay. And so much for my love of Victorya. The way she treated Ricky was ugly--and I don't even really like Ricky. Except when he was trying to speak Elisa's language--that was funny.

Also alarming: I don't hate Christian anymore? (That is a question, one to which I do not know the answer.) I don't know--ever since the first two episodes, he's been kind of cute instead of gratingly fagalicious. Maybe he was just nervous. But he'd best start listening to Tim Gunn.

Speaking of Tim Gunn, I was watching his guide to style show after the Top Chef Christmas special last night, and god, is he ever better at this than Stacy and Clinton. Also, I love when he says, "That's a lot of look," because that is a classy Tim Gunn euphemism for, "That's fucking ugly, yo."

Also! Stephen, your Tim Gunn impression was terrible. I can't believe I'm saying this, but you are no Santino. Actually, say whatever you want about Santino, but that guy was fun to watch. Wendy Pepper was not; she just made me so damn uncomfortable--the bitch was crazy.

Where is Mean P, you guys? Sweet P was such a baby, freaking out about who from her team should go home. Laaaame.

This was a rather interesting challenge, but I never have very much to say about the clothes--except I totally preferred Kit, Christian, and Jack's collection to that of Jillian, etc. And Victorya, Ricky, and Elisa's was one hot mess. That should have been the end of Ricky--Chris seemed like such a sweet, fun guy. And Ricky's just kind of a whiny mess. Sigh. Maybe it's better if I don't get attached, so there's no Allison incident this year, and I don't have to feel a futile outrage like I did when Uli was robbed. Although, I think I love Kit Pistol a little bit more this week...

Oh! I also hate that the model-stealing is such a huge deal. Like, everyone was aware that Ricky had a hot model, so why should he be surprised that Jack wanted her? It's not his "true colors"; it's his trying to use the resources available to him to win the competition. Christ. The only time this was ever interesting was when Zulema demanded the "mother-fuckin' walk-off." Oh, season 2, you really were the best season ever.

So I didn't have to work last night, so I went out with a bunch of people after my real job, and got drunk on two beers, because I was exhausted. I got home at eight, passed out for an hour, woke up, ate some corn bread and watched Top Chef, talked to Mike, watched my DVRed 30 Rock and Runway, and fell asleep watching the episode of South Park when Cartman gets tamed by the Dog Whisperer. Best night ever.

How terrifying is this alternate reality? Alicia Silverstone was considered for the role of Angela Chase (apparently). No ones love Cher Horowitz more than I (that's probably not hyperbole, either), but she would have made the worst Angela Chase ever. Also, Clueless is the only good thing she's ever done, so thank god that ship sailed without her--and thank god for Claire Danes.