Books of 2008

Best new book: Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (runner-up: Ely and Naomi's No Kiss List)
Best re-read: The Hobbit (runner up: The Hero and the Crown)
Best book involving dragon-killing: The Hero and the Crown (runner-up: The Hobbit)
Worst new book: Twilight (might be the worst book of all time) (runner-up: Tales from Silver Lands)
Most disappointing book: Special Topics in Calamity Physics (runner up: The Wonderful Wizard of Oz)
Best new (to me) author: Margaret Atwood
Best book published in 2008: Passing for Black (It might be the only book published in 2008 that I read, but it was still good!)
Best hero*: Ely, Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List
Best heroine*: Idgie Threadgood, Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe
Best new lesbian book: Girl Meets Boy: The Myth of Iphis
Most wasted lesbian potential: Wicked
Total books read: 54

*New books only. These two categories were tougher than I thought they would be, because much of this year's list is rereads, and there weren't that many main characters that could compete with the main characters of the books I'd read before. I need to read more new books next year. Also, more books about boys. I love boys, but this year's list was almost entirely female-centric. (Also, by "new," I merely mean books I haven't read before.)

Criss Cross by Lynne Rae Perkins
Farewell Summer by Ray Bradbury
The Night Watch by Sarah Waters
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle
A Wind in the Door by Madeleine L'Engle
A Swiftly Tilting Planet by Madeleine L'Engle
Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl
The Complete Stories of Flannery O'Connor
Andersen's Fairy Tales by Hans Christian Andersen
Girl Meets Boy: The Myth of Iphis by Ali Smith
Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris
Many Waters by Madeleine L'Engle
Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden
Princess on the Brink by Meg Cabot
The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood
On the Banks of Plum Creek by Laura Ingalls Wilder
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
By the Shores of Silver Lake by Laura Ingalls Wilder
Shadow of the Knife by Jane Fletcher
The Long Winter by Laura Ingalls Wilder
The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley
Once Upon a Time in the North by Philip Pullman
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis
The Hero and the Crown by Robin McKinley
Little Town on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder
These Happy Golden Years by Laura Ingalls Wilder
Forever in Blue: The Fourth Summer of the Sisterhood by Ann Brashares
The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
The First Four Years by Laura Ingalls Wilder
grl2grl: Short Fictions by Julie Anne Peters
Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe by Fannie Flagg
The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien
The Giver by Lois Lowry
Gathering Blue by Lois Lowry
Messenger by Lois Lowry
Passing for Black by Linda Villarosa
The Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkien
The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien
Beauty: A Retelling of the Story of Beauty and the Beast by Robin McKinley
Pirates! by Celia Rees
Wicked by Gregory Maguire
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan
Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan
Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum
Witch Child by Celia Rees
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
Sorceress by Celia Rees
The Tales of Beedle the Bard by J.K. Rowling
The Marvelous Land of Oz by L. Frank Baum
Tales from Silver Lands by Charles J. Finger
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom
Ozma of Oz by L. Frank Baum
Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz by L. Frank Baum

I want to shine

Okay, so since this was my favorite album of the year, and since I totally flaked on the deal that got me the album in the first place, here is my attempt at an album review. I'm sure it'll be even worse than my movie reviews. I don't like to review things; I like to highlight or detract from specific pieces of the thing. Anyway.

I don't remember when I got it, this summer, I think, and I only listened to it a few times before putting it aside for something else, and I was like, "Yeah, I like it, Amy Ray, wee," the end. I don't know. But when Carlos and I went to Florida, we were stuck without any music to listen to, because we don't travel with CDs, and I didn't have any of my iPod equipment to play it through the car, so we actually bought CDs, and since I hate stealing, I actually purchased Amy Ray's album, and we listened to it and five other discs for the whole four days, and I started to totally, totally love it. It crept past Alanis in the final days of 2008, and so it is now my favorite album of the year.

It's weird, too, because I usually prefer Emily's songs when we're talking Indigo Girls, and maybe Brandi Carlile's backing vocals had something to do with it, but I love almost every song on this album (even those she doesn't sing on, yes), with the possible exception of "Birds of a Feather." That one just falls epically flat for me. Right off the bat, I loved "Cold Shoulder" and "Who Sold the Gun," without really listening to the lyrics. The lyrics of "Who Sold the Gun" are a little...I don't know--unoriginal somehow, but I love to sing along with that one in the shower. Then, in Florida, "Stand and Deliver" started to get to me, and that was definitely partly caused by Brandi Carlile's voice, so now I also sing that one in the shower.

I like "SLC Radio" sometimes and not others, depending on my mood. Either way, I like that Amy is calling out the Mormons, kind of. I am so frickin' fed up with Mormons these days. Which reminds me, there was this girl on my plane from Baltimore to Manchester who was flying home from Salt Lake City, and some other woman was also coming from there, and she asked the girl where she went to school, and the girl said, "BYU," and I immediately groaned and cursed the fact that we were totally not at the appropriate altitude to use electronic devices, because then the girl started talking about how she was so blessed to attend BYU, and blah blah, and then she wouldn't shut up. Like, about anything, her mom, her pets, whatever. And for the most part, Mormon people seem generally, like, doofy and kind, which should be like the least inoffensive thing ever, I guess, but oh my god, people like that, who are just so shiningly wholesome make me want to kill myself. And then they also hate gay people, so there's that.

Ahem. Anyway, I really liked Didn't It Feel Kinder--it's not anything original or innovative or whatever. The songs are rock-ish-er than the Indigo Girls' stuff, but they're just as easy to listen to. And I dig them.

Woof, that was awful. I'm no good at discussing why I like music or not. Guess I won't be sending Rolling Stone my resume.

No longer a music snob, part two

Here's a horrible story: I only bought (or...otherwise obtained, ahem) nine full-length albums released this year. As opposed to the, like, nine I bought last year. One of these is a comedy album, and the other is a movie soundtrack, so we'll say seven. Seven!

Anyway, here's the order in which I like them:

Top Seven Albums of 2008
1. Didn't It Feel Kinder - Amy Ray
Favorite songs: "Who Sold the Gun," "Cold Shoulder," "Stand and Deliver," "Rabbit Foot"

2. Flavors of Entanglement - Alanis Morissette
Favorite songs: "Underneath," "Not As We," "On the Tequila"

3. Be OK - Ingrid Michaelson
Favorite songs: "The Chain," "You and I"

4. Summer Rains - The Ditty Bops
Favorite songs: "When's She Coming Home," "I Stole Your Wishes"

5. Volume One - She & Him
Favorite songs: "You Really Got a Hold on Me," "Black Hole"

6. Way to Normal - Ben Folds
Favorite songs: "You Don't Know Me" (with Regina Spektor), "Effington"

7. Weezer (Red Album) - Weezer
Favorite songs: "Pork and Beans," "Everybody Get Dangerous"

A lady-heavy list, indeed, including three lesbians, and the efforts from the boys I did not enjoy as much as I hoped I would. What did I miss this year? And where have I been?

The Florida Chronicles, Part Three

So we did some other stuff around Tampa, too, including going to see some real live manatees at Apollo Betch and visiting two Gulf Coast beaches. Mostly, it was just fun to get out of New England and to hang out with the Potato.
Anyway, the other best part of this trip came on our last night there when we were driving home from the beach. We drove through this intersection where there'd been an accident, and then Carlos looked up and said, "Huh. O'Boobigan's!" He had found an Irish pub called O'Boobigan's. Since it was dark and stuff, we decided to return in the morning for a photo op:
Then we went to the beach one last time before dragging ourselves to the airport. We drove by Raymond James again, where the Buccs game was just getting underway, and oh how we wanted to snag some tickets from the scalpers at the strip club and forget our flights. Plus, getting home was a mess for both of us, and I got home right after the giant snow storm ended. Boo.
Other things: our rental car was from Missouri, and I wish I had remembered to take a picture. Hertz charged us an extra hundred bucks for being under 25, which is just painful, because we're almost 25! Boo. I was the driver, and Tater was the navigator, and I must say, while I generally loathe automatic transmission, it was nice not to have to worry about shifting when I wasn't sure where I was going.

It was a good vacation. I would like to go back, except I think I'd like to go to Disney World again more. But Disney World is fucking expensive. Oh well. Disney World or Hawaii. Who's in?

If you're so inclined, you can see all my Florida pictures here.

The Florida Chronicles, Part Two

Okay. I gotta tell you about the Holy Land Experience. It's this Crazy Christian theme park of sorts in Orlando, and if you're coming from the west, you have to drive past all the Disney World and Universal exits, and can you even imagine being a kid and wanting to go to Disney World and having your parents drag you to the Holy Land Experience instead? Because Disney World is too godless? (Heh, I made that up--the Crazy Christians probably hit Disney World AND the Holy Land Experience, but oh man, it is such a depressing place compared to Disney World and Universal.)
Anyway, so yes. Crazy Christians. Apparently, people come from all over the continent to see this place--there were nutbags from Alberta, Canada, and I had never even seen an Alberta license plate before, and I've, like, driven around in Canada (yeah, so my driving area was confined to, like, an hour from the New York border, but whatever--still closer to Alberta than Florida!). Anyway, for all this it was kind of disappointing, but only because I was hoping it would be more absurd, but as far as Crazy Christian projects go this one was pretty even-keeled. I guess it's supposed to be, like, 66 A.D. Jerusalem, and there were various ancient-type buildings and people milling about in period dress. Also, statues of Roman centurions everywhere. I don't know why I found that odd, because, you know, Rome occupied that area at that time, but they were totally everywhere, these statues.
My favorite parts were the Crazy Christians in attendance (more on them in a bit) and the kiddie area, which featured Moses parting the Red Sea:
The whale that swallowed poor Jonah:
And Jesus walking on water:
This was the kind of absurdity I was hoping for in the whole park, but I guess they only crazied out for the young believers.
Okay, now onto the Crazy Christians themselves. There's this building there called the Scriptorium that features a tour of the evolution of the written Bible, and I guess curiosity got the best of us, because we waited in line for it, and while we were waiting one of the women who worked there was talking to this Christian fellow about all the snow that's happening--and about how it apparently snowed in Las Vegas and Los Angeles, and the man smirked, "Global warming, right?" which made Carlos and me roll our eyes at each other, and then the woman said, "God's obviously trying to get our attention," and I muttered, "Yeah, he'd like you to stop ruining this lovely planet he gave you," but no one heard me, which was probably for the best. And I don't know how, exactly, we got involved in this conversation, but the woman was like, "God will do whatever he wants to get our attention. Do you believe that?" And Carlos just said, "It's crazy," but he sure was not talking about the snow in Vegas.

Then, later, we were in a gift shop, and there was a fellow who was talking up this tallis, trying to sell it, and Carlos noticed he was holding it upside down, but he refrained from saying anything until the fellow actually came up to us, and Carlos, bless him, couldn't help himself and said, "You're holding it upside down." The man insisted he was not, but Carlos stood firm, and so the man just asked him if he had a tallis, and Carlos said no, he didn't have cause to use one much, and the man got all wise, like, "How can you not have one, but not use it much?" So Carlos explained that they keep tallisim in the synagogues for services, and the guy asked if he was a Messianic Jew, and Carlos said, "No, just regular type." Actually, he said that to me later, and we both giggled about it--what he really said to the guy was that he was just Jewish, and the guy was like, "Prove it! Read this!" So Carlos took the tallis from him, flipped it the right way up, and translated the Hebrew. While that exchange was a little awkward, it was still fun, because it involved schooling a Crazy Christian. And this: "Are you a Messianic Jew?" "Nope. Just regular type."

Okay, so. The Scriptorium itself was a big load, yo. It was so cheesy, all about how the Bible was first written down and transported and then translated and copied and all the attempts to destroy it and prevent it from being translated into the vernacular, and blah blah, all the crap Carlos and I already knew from going to a Catholic college, where we were required to take four semesters of the development of western civilization. But the thing that got to me was the dramatic narrator's insistence that through all this copying and translating and strife, the words of the Bible stayed entirely accurate, and that is just god damn impossible. First, the old stories, like those in Genesis, for sure, started out as oral tradition before finally getting copied down, and it is impossible to retell a story orally without changing it. Second, seriously, how many times has the Bible been copied out and translated, and you're telling me no one's made a significant mistake? Please. And then you get some monastic scribe copying the book of Judges or whatever, and he sees something he thinks is a mistake, so he corrects it, but what if it wasn't really a mistake?

I guess the Holy Ghost is supposed to keep the message pure, working through these scribes to inspire them to get God's word down right, or whatever, but come on. The Holy Ghost is useless these days, running around with a sheet over his head like he's in an episode of Scooby Doo. The Holy Ghost did not prevent inaccuracies in the Bible, just like he did not make the Catholic Church infallible. Just think of how many competing translations of the Bible we have right now--how did that happen, huh? If the Bible's message stayed pure through these thousands of years, how come the Christians and Jews can't agree on things? How come the Christians or the Jews can't agree amongst themselves?

But the thing about being in a place like this is that you are surrounded by people who totally and utterly believe this shit, and even with my Catholic school background, I was staggered by seeing this. (I guess because Catholics don't traditionally put a big emphasis on Bible-reading like the Protestants do.) There were people on this tour who were on the verge of, like, praising the lord for making sure his word was passed on, and I just had to laugh. Quietly. Behind my hand. I mean, this is all a bunch of crap, obviously, how the myths of one culture could possibly be the ultimate truth for all peoples, but I didn't feel the need to be rude, since no one was at that time advocating preventing me from gaining equal civil rights.

Anyway, I was just baffled by all this. I was always aware that millions of people think the Bible is, like, the only truth on earth or whatever, but I guess I was never actually confronted with it, face to face. I did not enjoy it, except to just laugh at the absurdity of it.

I kind of wish we'd gone to Disney World.

Next on The Florida Chronicles: manatees, beaches, and O'Boobigan's!

The Florida Chronicles, Part One

Since the rest of our friends are lame, Carlos and I jetted away on our own private vacation this weekend and spent four days bummin' around the Tampa Bay area. We saw feesh and manatees and crazy Christians, and we went to the beach 3 times! Also, they have good fuckin' food around Tampa: we had Thai, Greek, Indian, and exotic fast food, by which I mean Steak 'n Shake and Sonic. (Oh man, you guys, Steak 'n Shake is SO GOOD.)
Okay, so on Thursday, we explored downtown St. Petersburg a little, and then we drove around looking for a place to buy CDs, since I did not bring my iPod equipment, and the radio stations were dismal. We also had to find a place for Carlos to buy flip-flops since they apparently do not sell them in El Paso in December. It was not the most exciting of nights, but we made our own fun.
Then on Friday we went to the Florida Aquarium, which was quite lovely, but somehow not as exciting as the New England Aquarium. Maybe I'm just biased, but every aquarium I've been to has paled in comparison to the New England Aquarium, but I think the Florida one comes in second.
After that, we had some totally awesome Thai food and then went on a search for the places Carlos lived in when he was small, and then we went to Davis Island to take some pictures and see the water. We did a lotta driving, and the Tampa area is really quite lovely, and I could almost want to live there, except I don't think I could ever really leave the Northeast, horrible snowstorms and all. Also, Florida is one of the states that passed gay marriage bans, so fuck you, Florida.
Ahem. We took some night pictures in Tampa and accidentally ended up at a bum congregation area after dark trying to get pictures of some of the lit up buildings. Erp. But we escaped!
Part two, featuring the Holy Land Experience, tomorrow. That madness needs its own post.

Favorite Christmas songs

All the cool kids like to bitch about how cheesy and awful and goddamn annoying Christmas music is, and that's true when you're in the mall, but now that I'm no longer forced to listen to it, I love Christmas music again. My favorites are the ones that have little to do with Jesus, because I'm a heathen, but despite the fact that I have no use for Christianity (or religion of any kind), I still do love the traditional songs, because they're familiar, and some of them are quite lovely. And if you look at the story of the birth of Jesus as what it is--a myth--then, you know, it's kind of a sweet story.

But anyway, this is not about Christianity, this is about my top five favorite Christmas songs:
5. What Child Is This? - as sung by Sarah McLachlan
4. River - Joni Mitchell
3. What's This? - from The Nightmare Before Christmas
2. Spotlight on Christmas - Rufus Wainwright
1. Welcome Christmas - from How the Grinch Stole Christmas

How do you feel about Christmas music, internet?

Preach it

"But if nothing else, we can all look forward to the guest appearance of Lucy Lawless in the final season of the show. Chaiken may not ultimately deliver the peace, love and understanding that some L Word viewers may be seeking as the series draws to a close, but it’s hard to find fault with the decision to invite Xena to join the cast of the most infamous lesbian program in the history of television." --Karman Kregloe, AfterEllen

Now where's Gabrielle?

Wisdom

Oh man, I got the best fortune cookie yesterday. It was actually a fortune! It said, "You need to forgive that person today. Just believe me."

"Just believe me," like the fortune cookie is alive. That's some pretty sweet anthropomorphizing there.

Except, who do I forgive?

A forest grew

Okay. I need to talk about this. Last night, Mike IMed me to tell me that a live-action, feature-length film of Where the Wild Things Are is in production, and he said something like, "This might be pretty cool if they don't eff it up."

Let me tell you, people, Where the Wild Things Are is one of my very favorite books, children's literature or otherwise, and the point of it is its illustrations and its very simple story. Seriously, the book contains about ten full sentences. So I said, "How could they not eff it up?" I immediately figured it would be just like when Jim Carrey and co. shit all over How the Grinch Stole Christmas, bloating the hell out of it so that it would fill up an hour and twenty minutes.

But then I looked at the people involved in this film, and I became utterly conflicted. For one thing, Maurice Sendak is credited as a producer, so he must be involved somehow or other. Then, Spike Jonze is directing, and he co-wrote the screenplay with Dave Eggers. Dave Eggers! That bastard knows how to tell a story. And then! The thing that got me almost on board with this mess: Catherine Keener and Catherine O'Hara are appearing in this movie. Well, Catherine O'Hara is doing a voice, presumably for a wild thing, and Catherine Keener is credited as Connie, who is maybe Max's mother? I don't know. Either way. Catherine Keener and Catherine O'Hara. Also, Lauren Ambrose and James Gandolfini. What?

There are some good people attached to this film, but then the article said that they'd had to do a bunch of reshoots because test audiences of small children were fleeing the theater in terror, which sounds like a pretty good adaptation of this book to me. I mean, these are some pretty fierce monsters, rolling their terrible eyes and gnashing their terrible teeth until Max tames them with a magic trick. They're scary beasts, but as a kid you're never actually afraid because Max, in his wolf suit, is fearless and totally in control of the wild things. He even sends them to bed without their supper! So it would be interesting if the monsters were actually scary in the film. But obviously, the people making this movie want the small children to like it.

Also, how are they going to render the wild things? They can't CGI Sendak's illustrations. I guess I'm more intrigued than irritated by the idea of a live-action rendering of such perfect illustrations, so that's good. For now.

I don't know what to think. I guess I'll have to wait till October and see for myself.

Why I don't feel optimistic about enjoying The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Why I won't "call in gay"

Look, shirking work for a charitable cause is not a bad idea, per se, but ditching work and refusing to buy anything in the hopes that the country will notice that a lot its citizens are gay seems weak and petty to me. I'll leave that as my opinion, because the thing here is that we cannot change anything overnight. One day of not working and not buying anything might make some people say, "Huh. Somethin' weird's going on." I don't think anyone is going to say, "Gosh, we'd better give these queers their rights because they have such a vital impact on the economy," especially because on Thursday, everything will be right back to normal.

The way I see it, if we choose to withdraw from society, society will find a way to get along without us--in fact, there are plenty of people who would prefer that, don't you think? Sure, we'll be missed for a little while, but there are plenty of people, especially now, to take our places in the workforce. And then we'll be the ones who are fucked, alienated and more on the fringes than ever before. I'm not saying that this is what "Day without a Gay" is advocating, but it is what it's symbolizing--removing ourselves from society. But we don't want to be separate--that's why we're so mad about the passing of Proposition Eight, why we want marriage, not civil unions, because we are not separate. We want inclusion, equal rights, responsibilities, and privileges, so why would we voluntarily withdraw ourselves? This day is symbolic, because it won't actually change anything, so why do we want our symbolic gesture to be removal of ourselves from the rest of society? That's poisonous.

What will cause change--gradually, unfortunately--is making sure the people who would deny us our rights know we're not going anywhere, know that we're their neighbors, their daughters, their nephews, their teachers, their doctors, their soccer coaches, their elected officials. That's how they'll realize how many of us there really are--if we just keep telling them and refusing to back down.

Our best weapon against ignorance and bigotry is coming out. I know it's hard, and it's awkward, and it's uncomfortable, and there's a very real possibility of negative consequences, but in the end, it's the only way to fix this. Do what you can to make sure everyone knows that we are here; we are queer; we are not going anywhere, even for one single day.

Comedy is the only way to deal with this

I had this as the video of the moment in the sidebar over there, but then I decided I wanted to talk about it. Plus, it's better enjoyed full-size, and this way I can keep Tina the Bookaneer on my blog forever.

So, this video features Margaret Cho and Doogie Howser, but they are not the best parts. Oh no. No, no, no. Maya Rudolph! Allison Janney! Hello, awesome and criminally underrated. Allison Janney is always the best part of whatever she's in, and this time was the best time of all, because when Doogie Howser started singing, he pointed to her when he said "lesbian." Yup. Allison Janney is a fictional (albeit closeted) lesbian!

Seeing things

I just saw an ad for a Heather Locklear Liftetime original movie, and it totally looked like the poster said the title of this film was Flirting with Farty, which, um, what could be awesomer?

Unfortunately, it's Flirting with Forty, and I either need to get more sleep or make that eye doctor appointment right quick.
Oh, excuse me; apparently it's Flirting w/ Forty, which is just ridiculous. Yes, more ridiculous than Flirting with Farty, shut up.

Happy Thanksgiving, internet!

There are plenty of things I have to be thankful for, like a job and a house and food, but this year I'm gonna be thankful for my brothers.

I know it's gross, and I know usually I can't stand them, but every once in a while, the three of us hang out, and the boys fight, and everyone makes fun of each other, and it gets loud and rowdy, and it's just...fun. To have a family. Even a loud, rowdy, smelly one.

Anyway, enough of this well-meaning crap. Time to drink wine and stuff my face and fight with my stupid brothers!

I haven't done this in a while

So I got a request to write a blog post, even though I've been updating pretty regularly lately, but I'm agreeable, so I agreed, but instead of writing a post, I went to go look at Nintendo DS games. I miss Dr. Mario. I wish they had that for the DS. I did find this though! Almost as good as Dr. Mario for the DS. In fact, it's better! Because I could play it at work!

Anyway, the point of this blog post was supposed to be lists, so here are some lists.

Top ten most embarrassing songs in my iTunes library:
1. Crazy for This Girl - Evan & Jaron (Oh the shame. It's just so catchy.)
2. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
3. Call Me When You're Sober - Evanescence (I hate Evanescence, but Mike and I used to hear this at the bar all the time, and it was fun to wail along with it.)
4. I Turn to You - Melanie C.
5. Does Your Mother Know - Abba
6. Anytime - Kelly Clarkson
7. Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) - Beyonce (I have no idea why I love this song, because the lyrics and the message are abhorrent, but gosh darnit, it's fun!)
8. My Dad Is Rich - Draco and the Malfoys (Oh yes. Wizard Rock is embarrassing.)
9. Always Be My Baby - Mariah Carey
10. Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers

Top ten favorite words*
1. betwixt
2. halfwit
3. obdurate
4. nozzle
5. bananas
6. corroborate
7. blerg
8. faggotry (used only by the gays and those who love us)
9. weegeltons
10. scrumtrilescent
*Not so much because of what they mean, but because of how fun they are to say.

Top ten favorite meals
1. chicken pad thai
2. sushi and edamame
3. pizza and buffalo wings
4. pork chops and applesauce
5. spaghetti and meatballs
6. bacon cheeseburger and french fries
7. oysters, steamed muscles, and clam chowder
8. grilled cheese and tomato soup
9. steak burrito and beer
10. barbecue chicken flatbread pizza

My stupid cat has fleas, and I couldn't even get him to sit still so I could put the flea medicine on him, so half of it may have missed, and I had to vacuum everything and do more laundry, and I feel like ass. Frakkin' animals.

Let's talk about why I hate Twilight

The girl keeps having to be saved over and over by the boy.

The boy is a stalker, and the girl just thinks that's romantic. Seriously, the vampire breaks into her house every night, and watches her sleep. First of all, that severely violates vampire mythology, because vampires cannot come in unless they have been invited. Which I know because I watched Buffy. Second of all, that is the creepiest thing I have ever heard of, and if Bella had a lick of sense she would run all the way back to Phoenix.

The boy is mean to the girl, not because he's a vampire, but because he's a boy, and she's a pitiful female who can't keep track of her own feet and keeps needing to be rescued.

I read somewhere that Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon and has admitted to using her novels to promote abstinence. Whatever, abstinence is fine--I just think writing a story about vampires as a metaphor for waiting to have sex till you're married is gross.

Knowing that Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon makes passages like this one take on a disturbingly allegorical tone: "Just because we've been dealt a certain hand it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above--to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted. To try to retain whatever essential humanity we can." This is doubtless almost certainly my reading too much into this, but I can't help it. Religious people who think homosexuality is wrong tend to believe that perhaps you can be born gay, but you shouldn't act on those impulses. Even if you're born that way, you can deny that part of yourself. And I bet for some Mormons (and other religious zealots), homosexuals are just as depraved as vampires.

And finally, if Bella makes one more reference to how achingly beautiful Edward is, I will vomit up everything I have ever eaten in my life and mail it in a ziploc bag to Stephenie Meyer herself.

So I haven't finished it yet, and I don't even really want to, but I've never abandoned a book after reading this far, and I sure won't start now. But one thing I really don't understand is why lesbians love these books. I know of two personally, and I'm sure there are more. I mean, I love a good heterosexual love story, but this is...not a good heterosexual love story, and even if the love story part were interesting, the main female character sucks! She's timid and clueless and likes being rescued and stalked and is entirely co-dependent. What is there to admire or identify with here?

Please, lesbians, tell me. What is there in Twilight for you? (I get it. Kristen Stewart is hot. THAT IS NOT ENOUGH.)

I do call myself a booknerd, after all

So yesterday, Melissa came in to work and dumped the first Twilight book on my desk and said, "I read this in four days. Read it, so we can discuss."

Who am I to argue? I started reading it at lunch yesterday, after I went to the library to get a few more books I've been commanded to read. So far it's pretty blech, and I have a feeling it will only get worse, because I'm sorry, but the mortal lady/vampire fellow romance has already been done, like, quite well, and Bella Swan is no Buffy Summers. Not even close. Is Bella going to have to kill Edward to save the world from being sucked into a hell dimension? Then WHY SHOULD I CARE? Cedric Diggory is prettier than David Boreanaz, but that is neither here nor there, is it? Plus, the writing is ungainly. I hate it when a first person narrator has to describe her own appearance--there is no way to do that smoothly, and Stephenie Meyer doesn't even come close. Or when the narrator has to say things like, "I'm clumsy." Hello! Show, don't tell! And why are the vampires so beautiful? Is that a thing with vampires I was unaware of? Because they're immortal, they're all beautiful? Kind of...boring, I have to say.

Anyway, Melissa and I let curiosity get the best of us here, and we had to see what all the fuss is about. The fuss, it would seem, is more than this bloated romance novel deserves, so I have decided to make a list of my favorite young adult fiction.

1. A Wrinkle in Time and its companions by Madeleine L'Engle (aka The Time Quartet, plus An Acceptable Time: Here we have a story that is essentially about the battle between good and evil, and it is perfection. The best I've ever seen it done, honestly. JRR Tolkein can suck it.
2. The Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder: Oh, these are classics, and I think they're a charming way to get insight into America's pioneer history.
3. The Hero and the Crown and The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley: Few authors can create entire new worlds so well, and I am utterly jealous of the way McKinley can. These books are engrossing and feature totally badass female heroes. I've only read each book twice, but I will reread them many, many times, I'm sure.
4. His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman: This series does so many things well; it's characters are rich--no one is a cliche; it's a shot to organized religion, which I have to say I enjoy; and it also gives us entire new worlds. Imaginative, well-written, and it has the best young girl hero ever written by a man.
5. Judy Blume's ouevre: Really. I read almost everything she'd written when I was ten or eleven. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret is kind of quaint these days, but I couldn't get enough of it. She could write about young kids without sounding patronizing. Loved it.
6. Little Women and its sequels by Louisa May Alcott: Oh, come on. Classics. Everyone who hasn't read Little Women, do it right now.
7. The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis: Okay, I've become somewhat disenchanted with the Christian propaganda of these novels, but when I was a kid I couldn't stop reading them. Plus, they are very imaginative, and if you ignore the Christian subtext, the stories are quite good.
8. The Giver by Lois Lowry: This book is haunting and lovely. It's simply written, but it really gets to you. I can't recommend this one highly enough.
9. Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist by Rachel Cohn and David Leviathan: This is probably the most recent YA novel to worm its way into my heart. I'm way past the YA target audience, but when YA fiction is good, that doesn't matter.
10. Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden: I've said this before, I know, but this is the best gay young adult novel I have ever read. Lesbians of the world, read this book.

This list wasn't ranked; I just wrote down books as they occurred to me. Either way, all of them are better written, more imaginative, and more affecting than Twilight. I am getting the sense that this is just a PG-13 romance novel. Like Gone with the Wind for preteens. Plus vampires! Melissa's husband called it "literary fast food," which I think may be spot on. Easy to read, mildly amusing, but it rots your brain. Somewhere on the internet, I read that it was being called "professional fan fiction" which is also striking me as quite apt. We'll see if Bella goes through any kind of transformation--if any of the characters change. That'll maybe redeem it a little bit.

Beantown minutiae

So Coco Crisp got traded to the Royals, and while I am going to miss him because he was a really good outfielder, I am even more going to miss the way the Fenway announcer would draw out the 's' in Crisp and give the 'p' a really good pop. Crisssssssspah.

The little things, you know.

My brother is a turd

The other night my brother and I went to get Wendy's, and while we were driving, "Creep" came on the radio in his car, and because I am an asshole, and he hates it when I sing, I started singing along. Instead of telling me to shut up, he said, "Who sings this song?" like he was testing me, not like he didn't know.

So I, taking it literally, said, "Thom Yorke," because Radiohead does not sing.

And instead of even rolling his eyes he just said, "Let's keep it that way."

Schooled by a seventeen-year-old!

Another book rant! (Same book, though)

Okay, so in my effort to better understand Wicked, I am watching The Wizard of Oz right now, and I have a problem.

In the novel, when Dorothy's house drops on the Wicked Witch of the East, she is greeted by two Munchkins and the Good Witch of the North. The Good Witch of the North* has no idea how Dorothy is to get back to Kansas, so her magical chalkboard (for truth) suggests Dorothy go to the Emerald City to seek the aid of the Wizard. Then she and the Munchkins depart, and Dorothy sets about preparing for her journey. One of the things she does is take the Witch's silver shoes, because hers are kind of worn out and won't last on such a long walk.

*Let me note that this woman is not Glinda. Glinda is the Good Witch of the South, and Dorothy doesn't meet her until she's killed the Wicked Witch of the West.

In the film, the Good Witch of the North meets Dorothy after her crash landing, but this Witch is Glinda. And in the novel it is Glinda who tells Dorothy how to use the magic in the shoes to get back to Kansas, so one would assume that since Glinda meets Dorothy in the film--and in fact, actually gives her the shoes to prevent Triple Dubs from getting them--she already knows that Dorothy can use the shoes to get back to Kansas. And it is Glinda, I believe, who does tell Dorothy how to use the shoes at the end of the film, right? (I haven't finished watching it yet.)

So why does the rest of the movie happen at all?

I could go on about how the Dorothy part of the story of Wicked more closely follows the film than the novel, but I'm not into it right now. Perhaps later.

Politics and religion! Everyone's favorite topics for a blog post

Look, it's pretty clear I have no use for the Bible as some kind of guide to live my life, and for me it's basically a collection of ancient myths, which is what makes it interesting, but you know, that's just me. It obviously holds a much more significant meaning for millions of people, and that is just fine. But some of them take it far too seriously, and some of them twist its truth.

Anyway, I think every single Christian on Earth, especially those in America who have voted to legislate discrimination, needs to read John 8: 1-11. This story is my favorite story about Jesus, because he comes to the rescue of a skanky ho (ahem, I mean, an adulterous woman). If Jesus loved skanky hos, ain't no way he'd turn away from the fags. There are references to the unnaturalness of homosexuality in the New Testament, but never do they come from the mouth of Jesus. And Christians need to listen to Jesus, not to other Christians who may have gotten things a little bit mixed up. (I am looking at you, Paul.)

So don't use the Bible to condemn us. In fact, if you're Christian at all, you shouldn't use anything to condemn us. Condemning us isn't your job--it's your god's. And you know what else? In this religion, Jesus is God, so he is the only one who could condemn her. Does he?

According to Christianity, Jesus comes to the Jews to...revise the Law of Moses, to oversimplify things (as I do), which was much more strict than anything modern Christians follow. He gives them one commandment: Love one another. What a hippie freak. If he hadn't been turned into a messianic figure for a religion that brought about destruction and hate and division, I would love his ass. Anyway, since Christians no longer stone adulterers (and no longer follow, er, any of the laws laid down in Leviticus), I don't want to hear that book used to defend homophobia ever again.

It is November 15, the day to protest marriage inequality in the United States of America. Let's go, Americans. Act up. Fight hate.

Triumphant return of the book rant

Here is something I have discovered this week: The Wizard of Oz bites--actually, the book, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, bites. Also, the titular wizard. But anyway. Let me tell you a long and boring story.

Back in August when I had mono, and all I could do was lie on the couch and bemoan my fate, I decided to while away the hours by reading, since, try as I might, I couldn't sleep. Which is especially brutal when you have mono, and all your body wants is sweet, sweet sleep. I realized that I was out of books to read, and I didn't feel like rereading any of my old standbys, so I turned to one of my few friends who likes to read and asked her what her favorite books are. Apparently, her favorite book is The Lovely Bones, which made me puke (but she somehow made me agree to give it a chance when I was not ill and depressed--will I keep my word?), but the rest of the list seemed pretty okay, so I made my brother drive me to the library, and I checked out three of them.

One of these books was Wicked by Gregory Maguire, which I picked against my better judgment, because I had told myself if I were to ever read this book I would have to do the background reading first. The background reading being, obviously, L. Frank Baum's Oz books. All of them. But at that point in my life I was in no mood to do such extensive background reading (I was really sick, see), so I just checked out Wicked and plowed through it in four days.

Ultimately, I thought the idea was pretty brilliant, telling the Wizard of Oz stories from the point of view of the witches (wicked and otherwise), but the execution as a whole bummed me out. It seemed really cynical, even for me, and I don't think anyone would ever call my disposition sunny, if you know what I'm sayin', but looking back on it, that could have been because I was pretty bummed out about mono effectively ruining the end of my summer. Also I was trying way too hard to find some kind of, like, meaning in it, instead of just reading the damn story. I don't know why I was so hellbent on that--I never do that shit--but... I don't know. I ruined it. And I finished it, and I was like, "Well. Next bitch."

Then this friend of mine ever so kindly sent me a mix CD with not one but two songs from the Wicked musical on it, and I fell so crazily, madly in love that I immediately demanded the rest of the album with all the ferocity of a rabid animal, and this friend of mine ever so kindly obliged, and since then I have been listening to that album all the damn time. Naturally, it made me want to take another look at the book. Naturally, it made me want to actually do the background reading first. And what I have discovered is that I'm pretty sure Gregory Maguire took some stuff from the film version of The Wizard of Oz as well, and now I have to watch that shit again, because I think I basically knew the story of The Wizard of Oz from all the parodies and updates and blah blah--did anyone see that Muppet version with motherfuckin' Ashanti?--and I have no clear recollection of seeing the original film whatsoever. Except I have a vaguely unsettling memory of flying monkeys and dark mountains. Who knows if that's even a real memory.

Anyway, I guess the point of that story was to tell you how I came about deciding to read The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. Now let me tell you why it sucked! First of all, none of Dorothy's trials ever last that long or are the least bit suspenseful. An obstacle is presented; she goes oh crap; five seconds later, they're back on the yellow brick road. I couldn't bring myself to give an ass rat's.

Second, let me make a sweeping generalization! It would seem to me that when male authors write a fantasy story with a young female protagonist, they have no idea what do to with her, and she remains the least interesting character in the story. I mean, I think this judgment is at least a little fair, because male authors have no idea what it's like to be an eight-year-old girl. Some you'd think had never even met an eight-year-old girl. Lewis Carroll, C.S. Lewis, L. Frank Baum: their young female protagonists are so boring: Alice just weeps, gets confused, and wants to go hoooome; Lucy Pevensie never has a naughty thought ever in her head--she's good and true and brave, which, you know, are not bad characteristics, and Lucy Pevensie is certainly the most fleshed-out of these characters, but...a little boring.

Now Dorothy, I just do not understand. She's a little girl, and she is good and pure and true, as evidenced by how she wants to help everyone she meets, blaaaaah. The whole time she's in Oz, which seems to be this rather fascinating land, all she can think about is getting back to Kansas, even though Baum made sure to make Kansas sound as unappealing as possible by only using the word gray (over and over and over again) to describe it. Even her aunt and uncle are gray. Why would you want to get back to that shit? Yes, she's in a strange place, and at least Kansas and Aunt Em and Uncle Henry are familiar, but she makes friends in Oz right quick.

Oh, god. I have to tell you about the preface Baum wrote to this story: he says something about how now (the turn of the 20th century) children don't need their fairy tales to teach them a lesson or moral or whatever, so he has presented a fairy tale which will only enchant them. This is the problem with this story: Dorothy doesn't learn anything. She doesn't leave Oz changed one whit. What is the point of telling a story if the main character doesn't change? (This is also why I hated Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, I just realized.) I'm not saying she needs to learn some kind of moral or life lesson or anything, but her journey through Oz should have affected her somehow. But no. She does all these things, saves the Scarecrow and the Tin Woodman, helps the Cowardly Lion find his courage, exposes the Wizard for the fraud he is, accidentally kills an evil and powerful woman, and then she just runs on home to Kansas. The end.

And, I mean, maybe the fact that I didn't care about the main character could have been made up with an interesting story, but I already said the story was not interesting. The only halfway interesting part was the story of the golden cap and how it can be used to call the winged monkeys to do the wearer's bidding.

Anyway, despite all this, I want to watch the film and then read Wicked again, because I love the musical soundtrack that much.

Self-censorship

This is the rough draft of an email I wrote to my college pals. Recently, some genius decided it would be a good idea to send out monthly emails, just so we could all be kept in the loop of each others' lives. I liked the idea in theory, but loathe thinking of something worthy to write about myself in an email I am pretty sure the recipients are actually going to read. It's quite easy to fill this blog with all kinds of self-absorbed nonsense, because I do it mostly for me, and it seems to entertain the 2-3 other people who actually read it. However, if they don't like it, I don't have to care, because I am not writing it for them! Nyer!

Anyway, here:

Hey ho bags,

As 'tis the twelfth day of November, I figured I'd do what I should and send out a mass email. I wish I had anything to tell you people, but the only things I have to talk about are boring or better saved for one on one conversations. I imagine Seth has no desire to hear about lesbian sex. And neither does Sarah for that matter, but she may not have a choice!

I may have set out to be as inappropriate as possible in this brief email. Hope you enjoyed it.

I also hope you all are well, and though I may not have much to say about myself, I quite like hearing about you.

Emily

Here is what I decided to ultimately send instead:

Hey people,

Since twelve is my day, I figured I'd do what I should and send out a mass email. I wish I had anything to tell you people, but the only things I have to talk about are too boring to be worth it (work) or better saved for one on one conversations (girls, how angry I am about the passing of Proposition Eight in California and similar measures in Arizona and Florida). In fact, the only exciting thing to happen to me in a long, long while is that I won a Dr Pepper hat by checking the code under the bottle cap of my eight billionth bottle of diet Dr Pepper. I can expect the hat in 10-12 weeks, and you best believe I will wear the shit out of that thing.

I hope you all are well, and though I may not have much to say about myself, I quite like hearing about you.

Emily

Ultimately, I think the boring Dr Pepper hat story was a better choice than the brief mention of lesbian sex for my largely conservative, Catholic group of friends.

Why does a heathen like me have conservative, Catholic friends, you ask? I have no idea. But I love them. And I have a fellow heathen in the group, so we get by.

Outnerding myself again (this time by request!)

Things I have noticed on Battlestar Galactica that are unquestionably earthling in origin:

1. Laura Roslin uses the phrase "pound of flesh" (and I totally forget why--but it was apt), which is from Shakespeare's play The Merchant of Venice.
2. Dr. Cottle, astonished to learn Dr. Robert is refusing to give the Sagittarons medicine, demands to know what happened to "First, do no harm" which is widely thought to be part of the Hippocratic Oath, but is not. It is, however, attributed to Hippocrates, who came from Earth.
3. The Cylon siren song is "All Along the Watchtower"! That is even more unmistakably from Earth than the other two! (Unless Bob Dylan is a Cylon. Then all bets are off!)
   
4. Baltar uses the phrase "shuffle off this mortal coil" in one of his wireless broadcasts. That is from Hamlet.
   

Anyway, I mostly figure that all the signposts they find and interpret as the 13th tribe's path from Kobol to Earth are actually signposts of the Earthlings leaving Earth for Kobol--leaving markers along the way in case anyone needs to go back.

Listen up, bitches

I want this

I would have totally bought it five seconds ago, if not for the price.

"The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind and another, his mother called him 'wild thing,' and Max said, 'I'll eat you up!' so he was sent to bed without eating anything."

More for me than anyone who might accidentally find this blog

So on Tuesday, I started watching the election results at my dad's house, and for a while the only states CNN would call were Kentucky and Vermont, which meant the electoral tally was eight to three in McCain's favor, and my dad kept saying things like, "If this were a baseball game, we'd have to be worried," and "it's only the first inning," and, during commercials, "what're they doing? must be a pitching change."

I dunno, maybe you had to be there, and maybe you even have to be my father's child, but that crap kept me laughing every time, even as I freaked the hell out that we might elect another pair of maroons into office.

She got the hose again

So what do I say about the whole Brooke Smith debacle? I really can't figure out what the crap ABC was thinking. Basically, it is a little too coincidental that the news of her firing comes out days after her character realized she was "totally gay." Come on. How can you not expect us to draw that conclusion?

Dr. Hahn was one of the best characters on that show; she was a fantastic surgeon who took no shit from anyone, sometimes to her own detriment. But then she made a friend, and through that friendship we got to see the human side of Hahn. Maybe Hahn got to see the human side of Hahn, too. And then she had the gay revelation, and that whole speech about how falling in love with Callie was like when she got glasses for the first time was the single sweetest thing I have ever seen on television (However! Why have we never seen Hahn in glasses? WHY???). And Brooke Smith acted the hell out of it. I don't think anyone is saying that Brooke Smith's acting is the problem. And she certainly didn't cause strife on the set, like the fool she replaced.

So there are two options here. ABC told Shonda Rhimes to can her because Erica suddenly got too explicitly gay without any negative consequences, or ABC told Shonda Rhimes to can her because she's not conventionally attractive.

Both of which are absolute bullshit. Brooke Smith, while not everyone's cup of tea, is lovely, okay? And especially when she does Hahn's sweet smiles. The way she looked at Sara Ramirez while Hahn was falling for Callie was adorable. I watched that scene where she watches Callie in the elevator, like, twelve times. I don't... Ack.

And, oh, Shonda Rhimes's statement that of course they didn't get rid of Brooke because her character is a lesbian, and they still have a lesbian on the show is even more bullshit. Callie JUST realized she was bisexual in the last episode that aired. That is not the same thing as being a lesbian! What a load.

A few people have suggested that Brooke deserves an Emmy for the leaves speech, and I sure do agree. What're the chances she'll submit it for consideration? Not that those aged fools on the Emmy-giving committee would ever award her one, but still. She should stand up and submit it, because it was some damn fine acting, and it may have made my eyes wet. And I don't know what happened to Callie this season, but the reason I stayed invested in their relationship was because of Hahn. I've never been able to identify with a character more in my entire life. And now ABC refuses to let characters that bear any similarity to me on television. That's like a kick in the gut. I am not worthy to be represented in the entertainment world.

Needless to say, I am not watching Grey's Anatomy ever again, and thank GOD I didn't buy the season pass on iTunes yet.

Processing

What if there were a ballot measure that would amend your state's constitution so that only white couples could get married? Or only people of the same racial background could marry each other? Or members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints could not get legally married?

Would you vote for it?

I still cannot fathom why we can even put civil rights to a vote. If you were to put desegregation of public schools to a vote back in the fifties and sixties, do you think it would have passed? Or even if you were to put those laws that outlawed biracial marriage to a vote, it's quite possible some of those laws would remain. Maybe even slavery would have withstood a vote to abolish it. In fact, I'd be willing to bet it could have, because we had to fight a war with each other to abolish it.

Letting people vote on whether or not gay people deserve the same damn rights as heterosexuals is just as ridiculous as letting people vote on whether or not black people should have the same rights as white people. It's a forgone conclusion: of course black people deserve the same rights as white people, no matter what a majority of voters would say.

Which is why it really makes me sad that so many black and Hispanic voters supported Proposition Eight. I would never, ever vote for anything that would deny them the rights that white people enjoy. I would be just as incensed if Proposition Eight denied black couples the right to legal marriage. Because black people are no better or worse than white people. Gay people are no better or worse than straight people. We are all equal. Everyone says we proved that by electing a black President, but Proposition Eight says different.

The way things are in this country right now, we are not all equal.

But I have hope that President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama will help us change all that. I freaked right out when he actually stood up and recognized that gay people exist in this country in his acceptance speech. I've never heard any politician do that in that manner. And no one would have even given it a second thought if he hadn't. For the first time, a man we elected to lead our country has stood up and said, "I hear you too, homos."

I appreciate that from the bottom of my heart.

I can't do anything about California, but

So in New Hampshire, Vermont, and New Jersey, we have civil unions. I wanna know how we go about making those civil unions marriages. Connecticut just did it.

How did you do it, Connecticut?

Resistance is futile

All right, I caved. I have become a lesbian cliche in a new way.

I have a crush on Katee Sackoff.

Things I notice

Look at this picture!
This is the new intern who's totally going to ruin Callie and Hahn's romance. She looks like Regina George, and she totally has Ariel's voice in that seashell around her neck!

See? Evil!

A list

1. New England Aquarium & Union Oyster House
2. batting cages (locate indoor ones in New Hampshire)
3. Zoolander
4. meatballs
5. Julie Andrews
6. Battlestar Galactica
7. unwise purchases at certain clothing and/or lotion stores

Items will be added as needed. Hopefully, nothing needs be subtracted. Suggestions welcome.

Why I shouldn't ever know what's coming on a television show

Oh, good, Callie's still running around on Hahn. It would be one thing if she were upfront with the fact that she's still sleeping with Sloane, but Erica has no idea.

And it is going to crush her when she finds out.

And then she's going to bang that new intern.

Stupid!

So let her be a lesibaaaaaaan

Wait, wait, wait. Callie's the one who was bad at going down, and Erica was the one who enjoyed the sex?

HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

Unless Callie wasn't necessarily...bad...she just felt weird about the whole thing? Or Erica has never had sex with anyone before? Like, really! She cannot be this dumb. She can't!

Also, if you feel weird about, you know, your head in between another lady's legs, take it slow. Start with fingers! There are so many ways to have sex. Sheesh.

And! Going to Sloane for a demonstration? That is so fucking weird. I mean, even if he were another lady, it's still weird, because Callie is still having sex with someone so she can have better sex with Erica.

That's weird. And I just hope Erica doesn't find out about it. Because she will not react well, even if they are taking things slow and, you know, not going steady. She hates Sloane, and the girl she likes is still sleeping with him!

Oh. She is going to find out.

However! The lesbians got to have inappropriate sex in the on-call room! Just like everyone else. So yay for equal opportunity unprofessionalism.

But mostly yay for Sara Ramirez in a bra.

I am at my wits' end with this woman

I read a thing on the internet the other day that said Sarah Palin actually asked women to vote for McCain because he picked a lady as his vice president, and Obama didn't. Really? REALLY? First of all, that's just as sexist as Joe Biden telling dudes to vote for Obama, because McCain's got a little lady on his ticket. Oh yes it is. Secondly, so what if Obama didn't pick Hillary Clinton as his vice president? That has no bearing whatsoever on his opinion of women. For whatever reason, he and his advisers decided Hillary Clinton was not the right vice presidential candidate, and I would bet my next seven paychecks that her gender had nothing to do with it.

As a matter of fact, I would say (boldly) that Senator Obama has a much higher opinion of women than you do, Governor. He would not strip us of our reproductive rights, and he would not support a Constitutional Amendment to prevent us from marrying each other. He also supports equal pay for equal work, which your running mate does not. And I am not one hundred percent positive on this, because I've not heard him say it, but I would bet seven more paychecks that he would never support legislation requiring rape victims to pay for their own rape kits.

How can you say a vote for McCain is a vote for women? How?

Nits, picked

Oh, boogers. The recapper at Television Without Pity makes a good point: How on earth could Hahn fail to pick up on Callie's utter terrifiedness about getting serious? Heart surgeons are supposed to be smart! And I know she made that confession about being socially awkward and weird (which made me fall in love with her), but unless she has, like, Asperger's she should be able to see that Callie has some extreme reservations about getting intimate with a lady. Even though Callie's the one who made the move in the first place...

Though that happens on tv all the time, doesn't it? A character has hesitations, and it's made obvious to the audience, but whoever the character's interacting with is totally oblivious.

Oh well. All this unlikeliness made the restaurant scene possible, so I will overlook it. But, you know, still complain about it.

Because if I can't pick apart the things I like, then why bother liking them? I have a terrible habit of, like, looking for things to criticize, even in things I love. Like Grey's. Or musical retellings of novels. Or, you know, Brandi Carlile's dubious intelligence. The only thing I've never done this with is, uh, 30 Rock.

I LOVE YOU TINA FEY.

Below the Mason-Dixon Line...of your pants!

So. Last night was madness. I kind of got discouraged with the baseball game, so I started watching Grey's, only checking in at the commercials and getting more discouraged. All the magic happened after Grey's anyway.

But let's talk about Grey's, because I really have no words for the baseball. Except. This is how it's done in Boston. Unbelievable comebacks in the ALCS and then sweeping the World Series. But first! One game at a time. And I still believe Josh Beckett can get it done. Yes I do. Last year's ALCS MVP will not let us down.

Okay. Grey's. I already forced Allison to listen to a crazed rant about how they don't give the lesbians enough screen time, like, at all, so...I'll drop that and talk about how much I love Hahn. Like, really. Before we even get into the gay stuff, let's talk about how she threatened to cut Meredith's heart out of her chest with a steak knife. Oh hell yes she did. I watched that three times, which means I may have liked it even more than the gay stuff.

But not really. Because Hahn was so damn adorable last night, asking Callie out on a date in this manner: "restaurant, candelight, bottle of wine...at the end of the night I try to take your clothes off." That's exactly how I think! Although I unfortunately have never asked a girl out this way. When I get my next opportunity, you bet I will! I don't really get why Callie is so neurotic about all this, though. I mean, I understand being a little anxious about what happens when the clothes come off, but... You're not there yet! Worry about that when you get there! But then it does allow Hahn to be all sweet and calm her down, and the way Callie looks at her after she reassures her... Oh man. It's so perfect.

And then mooning over Callie in the elevator and just bein' so sweet the whole time. And once again, these are two people who can actually talk to each other when they're having doubts or feeling anxious or whatever. Callie spends the episode freaking out, but she eventually spills, and Erica listens to her and reassures her. And that is when Callie realizes that Dr. Hahn is perfect!

I am going to be so mad when they break up.

Also, as much as I love Dr. Hahn, it still must be said: no one will ever, ever, ever be more awesome than Dr. Bailey. The end.

Lost

Last year, when the Red Sox were in this exact situation, down 3-1 in the ALCS, Josh Beckett had the ball for the do or die game 5, and I had no doubts whatsoever that he would keep them in it. Josh Beckett has failed twice this post-season. Like, spectacularly. And it's not even him with the ball this time. I don't know what to do.

Back to back World Series wins would be fantastic. You know the last time that happened? 1915 and 1916. Although, at least it has happened in Red Sox history, I suppose. Losing to the Rays would be kind of embarrassing, despite the fact that they're clearly on fire this year. Still. They were the worst team in Major League Baseball last season, and Boston was, ostensibly, the best. You know, since they won the World Series.

Worst of all, it seems like the fans just don't care this year. I am beginning to include myself in this. I don't know. The curse is gone, and now we're all complacent? It's just baseball? Boston is not a town that says, "It's just baseball."

Fix it, Daisuke.

Spooked

Forgive me for this rant, but all the news that supporters of Proposition 8 are gaining ground has really freaked me out. Like, really.

I don't personally know anyone who lives in California, except my dad's younger sister, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject with her--however I am hopeful she's opposed to Proposition 8. Anyway, I am almost more worried about whether or not California--the alleged haven of liberal hippies--amends their constitution to ban the gay marriages it just legalized than I am about whether or not Sarah (motherfucking) Palin becomes this country's first female vice president.

Listen. The California Supreme Court's decision on gay marriage was, like, fucking landmark, okay? Because it equated a person's sexuality with her race or gender or religion. Just as the governments of this country cannot discriminate against people based on those things, neither can they discriminate against people based upon their sexuality. That's what the legality of gay marriage is about: stamping out discrimination against one group of people for something that is as unchangeable as race or gender--and as little of the government's business as religious beliefs.

I just do not understand how, in this country, where one of our most prized founding documents proclaims all men created equal, there are so many fucking people who think it's perfectly fine--no, not just fine, but necessary--to make sure certain American citizens are relegated to permanent second-class status. This is not about whether you think butt sex is a sin. This is not about the "sanctity of marriage." That doesn't exist--and it never has. Why are we pretending that marriage is sacred? That people don't cheat and divorce and all that? I mean, ideally, sure, marriages are supposed to be lifelong and monogamous, but that is just not the reality, and it never has been. Humans are fallible. So that argument, as I am the child of divorced parents, too, really chaps my ass. All of these arguments are strictly religious--it's not the government's business how you have sex or whether you're faithful to your spouse, so--I don't know--shut up! This is not about forcing churches to marry two dudes or two ladies. That's the great thing about this country--you can believe in whatever you want to believe in. You, as a private citizen. But the government of the United States of America (and its individual state governments) can only believe in one thing: equal rights, privileges, and responsibilities for every, single one of its law-abiding citizens. Every. Single. One.

Marriage is not something that can only exist between a man and a woman. Marriage is for any two consenting adults who have decided to make a lifelong commitment to each other. And if a government awards special rights and responsibilities for heterosexual couples who make that choice then it absolutely must accord those same rights to homosexual couples who make the same choice.

That's all there is to it.

So let's go, California. Shoot down Proposition 8, and keep the gay rights movement moving forward instead of seventy-billion steps backward.

PS: Congratulations, Connecticut!

Red Sox ranting

That is it, internet. Josh Beckett and I are so over. I mean, I could forgive the rocky start against the Angels--he'd been injured; he hadn't pitched in a while--but this mess Saturday night against the Rays? Eight earned runs? That is not Josh Beckett pitching. And it certainly is not Josh Beckett post-season pitching. Thank god Daisuke was on fire Friday night. Thank god Jon Lester is pitching today. And I sure do hope Wakefield's knuckleball is workin' tomorrow. I'd rather not have Josh Beckett pitch game 6 at Tropicana Field. Yeah. I don't want that at all.

I am super, super bummed my imaginary husband Mike Lowell has that effed-up hip keeping him off the ALCS roster. But oh I am so happy that my new imaginary boyfriend Dustin Pedroia smashed himself out of his post-season hitting slump. Two fucking home runs! Too bad they ultimately went to waste.

I must be honest, internet--I am kind of shocked the Red Sox are doing this well. Something is just not right about this team--all the injuries, I guess, are spooking me. Plus, it'll be hard to win the World Series with only two reliable starting pitchers.

Joshua Patrick Beckett, you get your act together right now!

Getting back into television

So I didn't say anything about the premiere of Grey's, because...I had other things on my mind, and there weren't nearly enough of the lesbians. However, I adored the way Hahn snapped Callie out of her self-doubt free-fall during the hypothermia therapy thing. They're good for each other.

This week was, like, so much better, mostly because there were a bunch of scenes showing the doctors, you know, interacting like friends again. Like at the lunch table when Alex smacks Cristina to test her pain threshold and then does it to Izzie in the elevator. And Callie throwing grapes at Sloane for teasing Erica! I love it all! Oh, and then when Cristina and Callie are bonding over their new apartment, and Izzie loses her mind. Like, it kind of sucks to be Izzie, but Callie and Cristina's faces were so hilarious. Plus, the way Izzie told her about the apartment was so vague, I don't blame Cristina for thinking that Izzie was doing her a favor. It's kind of retarded that she didn't just say, "Hey, I found this place, I need a roommate, what do you think?" But it allowed for that funny scene at the bar, so hooray! Plus, Izzie's not homeless, so I don't have to feel bad!

The good thing about the lesbians these days is that they are talking to each other. Erica freaks out about Sloane, and Callie tells her why he knows. She freaks out about Callie telling him things, tells Callie she doesn't understand it, so Callie explains. How mother-effin' mature! I really like that the only functional relationship on this show is the gay one. I give it two more weeks tops before it falls apart.

Sometimes I hate you, Grey's Anatomy.

Lesbians and language--my two greatest loves

Hey, lesbians, you know that scene in But I'm a Cheerleader when Graham and Megan finally kiss? (By the way, doesn't anyone else think Graham's root should be the fact that her parents named her Graham?) And they're all fighting, because Megan freaked out about seeing Sinead grope Graham, and blah blah, and Graham goes, "You want me to do what I want?" And Megan says, "I could care less!" And then kissing! And it's supposed to be the big romantic climax, right?

Every time I hear her say, "I could care less!" I get taken right out if. I can't even focus on the girlkissing!

It's "couldn't care less," because if you could care less, my friend, that means you at least care a little. But if you can't care less, why then, you simply don't care! Right, Pierre?

Angry and boring part eleventy thousand

Here are some totally boring pet peeves of mine:

I hate whatever fool decided that numerals in titles of things precede the letter A when lists of titles are being alphabetized. That is ridiculous. The numerals always have a corresponding lettered form, you know? So. The 40-Year-Old Virgin goes where, children? Where does it go?

With the Fs. Next.

I also hate the notion that anyone would alphabetize their collection of books by title. Like, no. It has to be organized alphabetically by author. What a mess it would be otherwise! Um, mostly this bugs me because whenever I log in to librarything, my collection is organized by title, and the titles that have numbers in them are first, and then I have to fix it myself. Stupid! You would think the one place that could get this right is a website full of crazy-ass booknerds. Sigh.

OMG, did you know that if you google "since you went away" grey's anatomy song my stupid blog is the first thing that comes up? Just in case my stupid blog didn't help you find your answer, intrepid googler from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, (sometimes I love Canada) the song's "What Can I Say" by Brandi Carlile. You're welcome! Wee!

You can literally register to vote while you're pooping

HollywoodDeclaresThemselves
by declareyourself

Look, I could register to vote on November 4 if I had to, because New Hampshire is crazy, but apparently, the rest of the states in this fine nation have deadlines. So hop to. Register. Vote. This country is a disaster, and the only way we have to fix it is voting. So let's go. Let's make some god damn changes.

There is one thing I hate more than Republicans: outright apathy toward our country's, toward the world's future.

Also, Sarah Silverman made me laugh, like, three times in this video, so I had to post it, since I'm pretty sure the three people who read this are all set for November 4. Also, is Tobey Maguire's head too big for his body or what?

Not as good as Fenway, but I'll take it

Oh, internet! I finally got to see a Blue Jays game! Their last home game of the season, in fact! I have impeccable timing, and I decided to show up in Toronto on the exact day the Blue Jays were finishing their season. So I insisted that Allison take me to the Rogers Centre, and she was very obliging, and she didn't even yell at me when I got up to get the beer and then realized I'd spent more of my Canadian Monopoly money than I'd realized because of course I bought a super sweet hat with the old Jays logo on it as soon as we entered the dome. (It's so weird to watch a baseball game in a dome, by the way. Even with the roof open, it feels like you're inside--in fact, what it reminded me of was the University of Syracuse's gym where I got to see two games of the men's NCAA tournament a million years ago.) But it was so fun--I sure do love watchin' a baseball game in real life. And now I've been to one tenth of all the Major League Baseball stadiums!

Even better? The Jays totally murdalized the Yankees. Suck it, Yankees.

Emily Saliers

And now we're talking about a difficult thing
and your eyes are getting wet
but I took us for better
and I took us for worse
and don't you ever forget it

Equal parts horrifying and hilarious

"Blair is wearing a cape, with a little black velvet twist at the throat, and looks more than ever like the headmistress of a shady Home for Victorian Waifs where they beat you with sticks for taking off your clothes to bathe, and sell you to a fat man when you turn fifteen. Tell me you don't think that's an ideal job for Blair Waldorf." --Jacob, Television Without Pity

"Every morning, when Alaskans wake up, one of the first things they do, is look outside to see if there are any Russians hanging around. And if there are, you gotta go up to them and ask, 'What are you doing here?' and if they can't give you a good reason, it's our responsibility to say, you know, 'Shoo! Get back over there!'" --Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, Saturday Night Live

So much better than fetch

Sarah Warn is a genius:

"I think the name 'Tina Fey' should become shorthand for smart, feminist, lesbian-inclusive behavior. As in, 'Donating money to fight Prop. 8 is so Tina Fey.'

"It could even be used in reverse — as in, 'Voting for Sarah Palin is so not Tina Fey.'"

Is it too late to move to California?

Meatballs

No, I Can't Put It in Your Butt

An ode, of sorts, to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler:

Whenever things in my life seem shitty, these betches have always, always been able to make me forget my troubles for at least a few minutes.

Standing up for Hillary Clinton, ripping apart Sarah Palin, making fun of Martians, telling fart jokes, jumping around on one leg, jumping around on one leg and farting, being hot (as above), imitating Cathy from the cartoon Cathy, the existence of the film Mean Girls, making fun of the Bush twins, gayin' it up for their legions of lady fans (as above). I could probably go on, but I will not.

This might be melodramatic or whatever, but I don't know if I could deal with the things I'll have to deal with without these betches to pick me up once in a while. They're hilarious, they're smart, they're beautiful, and there's no one like them. Also, I mean, wouldn't they make the perfect comedic lesbian couple in some movie? Tina, work your magic.

In conclusion... Pit bulls don't have wallets, dang!