Imaginary girlfriend #3

Tina FeyWhat else can I say about Tina Fey? She’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s hilarious, and she's a total nerd. Plus she wears glasses. Oh! Ms. Jill Bennett said it best: she has that “the reluctant sex symbol, girl next door demeanor that lesbians worldwide find utterly irresistible.”

From “Weekend Update” to Mean Girls to 30 Rock to the above sketch with Amy Poehler on her last season of SNL, everything Tina Fey has ever done has made me laugh out loud over and over and over again. Baby Mama was at its best when it was clear she and Amy Poehler were improvising.
Hot, hilarious, glasses. That’s all I want in a woman. There was this one rant she did on "Update" that I transcribed, I thought it was so hilarious. I will never be able to find a videoclip of it again, because NBC is being stupid about which SNL sketches they make available, but she was talking about Hugh Hefner's harem of blondes, and oh, it killed me. "Wherever two or more whores are gathered, there's always a Tina." Self-deprecating too! No wonder the lesbians can't resist her. Plus, the bi-curious shoes. How can we forget the bi-curious shoes?

Imaginary girlfriend #4

Bridget McManus
Okay, honestly, people, I wasn’t even all that interested in Bridget the first time I saw her on AfterEllen. I was like, “Yeah, she’s pretty, whatever,” and Allison was all, “BRIDGET IS SO HOT OH MY GOD.” And then. I realized she was hilarious. Hilarious! And I was like, “Allison, BRIDGET IS SO HOT OH MY GOD.”

I love funny girls. And she’s dirty. And she's gay. She’s been dubbed, apparently, “the Sarah Silverman of lesbians,” but I haven’t gotten to see her be as filthy as Sarah Silverman. Which is a shame, because I love filthy humor. I almost kicked Kelly Clarkson off the list for her, but I figured why the hell not just add a fourth spot? Bridget deserves her own spot.
(all Bridget McManus media lifted from AfterEllen.com)

Things I need to do

• Get my eyebrow pierced again
• Get a tattoo--I, however, need a new idea, since I recently found pictures on flickr of someone who had the EXACT SAME idea I had. Boo!
• Quit Bath & Body Works
• Go bracelet shopping
• Invent teleportation and/or learn to apparate
• Buy cat food
• Get a haircut

Oh my, I am sorry I am so boring. There are some things on my mind, and Best Buy still has my iMac. I am never buying a computer from you again, Best Buy! However, do you have any linksys routers? I need a new one before my brother throws a fit.

Imaginary girlfriend #5

To pass the time, I have decided to write short posts on why each of these ladies is on my list of imaginary girlfriends. The list is no longer ranked, as trying to figure out who I liked better was making my brain explode, so I've put it in alphabetical order and have decided to post these little odes in reverse alphabetical order. So we shall start with...

Sara Ramirez
Oh, I loved Callie Torres from the moment they introduced her on Grey’s, but the love was totally solidified when they showed her dancing in her underwear at the beginning of the third season.

(This video is weirdly edited, but it was the only one I could find.)

Then she married George, and George cheated on her, and I kind of gave up on Grey’s Anatomy until they reeled me back in with a lesbian storyline featuring Callie! And the abrasive Dr. Hahn. I am so easily manipulated.
But whatever, Sara Ramirez is totally hot, and she can sing, and I’ve been listening to the Spamalot soundtrack for seventy days nonstop, and she is why there is a fifth spot on the imaginary girlfriends list.


Also, she's friends with former Grey's bombshell Kate Walsh in real life, which makes for some super hot candid photos.
Come back to Grey's, Kate. I was just telling Allison the other day that the only way this alleged Callie is pregnant storyline will be acceptable is if it provides an excuse to bring Addison back.

I don’t go for blondes

Every time (every time) I bring up the fact that I find a lady who happens to have blonde hair attractive, I say something along the lines of “She’s so hot, even though I don’t go for blondes.” And then I realized that I have said that enough times that I probably do go for blondes. So I have made a list! Of hot blondes. They do exist.

Blake Lively
I didn’t realize how smokin’ hot she is until Gossip Girl, because she was the new girl in the Pants movie—I was already sweet on America, Alexis, and Amber. Also, I hated Bridget’s storyline. But Serena van der Woodsen: hot.

Brooke Smith
All right, I realize that Dr. Hahn is not to everyone’s taste—she’s even a little bit funny-lookin’—but oh my. I don’t know. She’s enough to make me swoon. Maybe cuz she’s mean. I like that sometimes in a lady.

Katherine Heigl
Obviously, the girl who made me gay, all the way back at the end of my sophomore year of high school. Izzie can eat it, but, oh, Isabel Evans will always have a special place in my heart. “Yeah. Like listening to a CD is the problem.”

Rachael Harris
Like a blonde version of Tina Fey (but not as hot or funny or smart), half of her appeal comes directly from the glasses.

Sarah Warn
Queen of the lesbians, founder and editor-in-chief of AfterEllen.com, Sarah is smart, funny, and totally adorable. I love her.

Any hot blondes I forgot? Feel free to chime in, the three of you.

This is why I should never read spoilers

OH MY GOD IF CALLIE IS PREGNANT WITH SLOANE’S SPAWN I WILL NEVER WATCH GREY’S ANATOMY AGAIN.

Unless she, like Addison, aborts the sucker.

(Rational speculation here.)

Seriously? Seriously? Pregnant lesbians? That’s the only place you can take this, Shonda? I GIVE UP.

Okay, now that I’ve calmed down, let’s think about this. Of the three people involved in this storyline, Callie is the only one who’s ever wanted kids. Sloane thought he wanted Addison’s baby, but oh please. Worst father ever, as she said. And can you imagine Hahn going anywhere near an infant? Worse than Cristina with Tuck. What a way to scare her off as fast as possible, you fucknuggets!

So. If Callie has this baby, she’ll do it alone. WHICH IS SO STUPID, OH MY GOD.

Just when you sucked me back in, you spit me back out. Fuckin’ Grey’s Anatomy!

I'd fuck me

This episode of Grey’s that I am watching right now features that song “Lotion” by the Greenskeepers—the episode with the quintuplets, the episode where Alex bangs the syph nurse again because he couldn’t get it up with Izzie, and she sees them. Anyway. This is mildly creeping me out because I learned last night that the "it" in "it rubs the lotion on its skin" is effin’ Brooke Smith. This episode takes place long before we even hear of Dr. Hahn, but still. Eeesh. Plus, that song is creepy anyway. It’s also long before we hear of Dr. Torres. This season is so long!

Oh! And then George actually says to Meredith that she’s sleeping with so many guys if she carries on this way, she’ll end up “in a hole in some guy’s basement being ordered to put the lotion on its skin or else you’ll get the hose again” just as that lyric comes up in the song again. This is George’s second Silence of the Lambs reference this season. Something tells me that someone at Grey’s has a thing for that movie. And they hired Catherine to play a heart surgeon. It’s weirding me out, I’m sorry!

If you’d like to come with me on my journey of being creeped out, have a gander at this:


Sorry if I scarred you. I have now scarred myself.

Some badly-articulated thoughts and feelings about politics

Look, you can just skip this one, but I had to get this out of my system.

So I had a big argument with my mother about Hillary Clinton. I’m the one who voted for her in our primary, but my mother is the one who’s saying, “How can you not vote for Hillary?” She totally said that since we’ve never had a female president, we have to back Hillary. I think that is re-goddamn-diculous (I think I stole that from Dr. Evil—thanks, Mike Myers!), and she would not listen to my argument for why you cannot vote for Hillary Clinton just because she is a woman. Basically, it’s this: supporting for Hillary because she is the lady candidate is still reducing her to her vagina—it is exactly as bad as not voting for her solely because she’s a woman, okay? Now, I’m not saying that the fact that she is a woman can be, like, ignored, because it did factor pretty importantly into my voting decision, but like I said in January, I voted for Hillary because I think that she is the one woman active in politics today who could handle being this country’s first female president, and it is about damn time we had a female president. I don’t agree with her stance on everything, but I don’t agree with Obama’s stance on everything either—and I just think that Hillary would do a better job of running the country, regardless of the fact that we are in need of a female leader. Still, both of them are a billion times better than McCain and leaps and bounds more than a billion times better than George Bush.

Anyway, the important thing here right now is that neither Democratic candidate is a rich white man. As long as we get a Democratic president, we will be making history. It is also about damn time we chose a black person to run this country. If Obama were a woman, it would be doubly awesome. If Obama were a woman, running against Hillary, I wonder who I would have voted for. I wonder if the race would be anywhere near as close. I wonder if that could ever even happen in the near future: if the two Democratic front-runners for the presidential nomination could ever both be women.

God, I hope so.

So black men were given the right to vote (on paper, at least—I know it was pretty dicey for a while) about sixty years before women were. Let’s not wait sixty fucking years to elect a female president, America, okay?

Look, if Hillary were a dude—if she were Bill’s brother and not his wife—would I have voted for Obama because I want some diversity in the White House? God, I don’t know. It’s fucking stupid that race and gender have anything to do with these decisions we make, but when we’ve had forty-three old, rich white men run this country, you begin to want a leader who is different. Someone who represents you—or if the leader can’t represent you, at least someone who can represent a part of the population of this country which has never, ever been fairly represented. This is true of both African-Americans and women of all races in these United States. It is true of all minorities in these United States. We’ve let white dudes run the show for two hundred and thirty years, and it didn’t go so badly for a while, but right now, we are in fierce need of someone with a different perspective on life.

Anyway, my point is this: voting for Hillary because she’s a woman and voting for Obama because he’s not white are just as bad as the reverse. It’s still sexism and racism, albeit with a more positive result than you usually get from sexism and racism.

Well. Being a woman is not just about biology, and being a black person is not just about skin color. Minorities in this country experience things, have to go through things that white men will never, ever understand. Heterosexual white men have never, ever had their rights denied to them because of their sexual organs or their skin color—things over which they had no control. They’ve never been made to feel less than human—they’ve never legally been the property of someone else. So both Hillary and Obama have different perspectives to bring to the presidency, because they are both so different from the people who’ve held the highest office in the land since the beginning. They both belong to groups of people who have had to struggle—and struggle desperately—for the rights that every single goddamn citizen of this country should enjoy. The fact that it is 2008, and we have yet to have a female leader or a leader who is not white means that these groups of people are still struggling. And that is really unacceptable. For me.

A little late

Okay, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of California is a Republican, and he wrote the decision saying the ban on gay marriage violated the state’s constitution. He is the only Republican I like. Because, come on, this is not about your personal beliefs—this is about an unbiased government offering the same protections, responsibilities, and privileges to every single citizen, regardless of race, gender, religion, or sexual orientation. This fellow recognized that. Let’s go, Republicans. Smarten up. This guy should have a long talk with John McCain. This guy and Ellen Degeneres should have a long talk with John McCain. Come on, John McCain. Ellen loves Portia in exactly the same way you love your wife—how can you tell her that that love is less than the love shared between you and your wife? HOW?

Especially since you left your permanently disabled first wife and married another woman nearly twenty years younger than you. But you know all about the “sanctity of marriage,” eh?

I want my MTV back

OH MY GOD. Do you remember this old MTV commercial with the couples bein’ all weird underneath a tree? Like they’re all tryin’ to break up, but then they end up making out all crazy at the end? And the lesbian couple (!) has one of the dykes saying, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and the other one saying “What does that mean?” Ryan and I did that forever after we saw that commercial. There’s also a gay couple. And the token straights. I have no idea when this commercial is from, but it’s from when I still watched MTV, so it’s pretty old, so hooray for the gays. Oh, so Creed’s doing the song at the end, so it’s from when Creed was a big deal, which was when I was in high school, so this really is old.

The best part, though? Sara Ramirez is one of the dykes! The “I love you but I’m not in love with you” one. I died. Look!

Dykier than Callie Torres could ever be. I LOVE IT.

The other thing I noticed about this commercial? The straight couple has fallen to the ground in a fit of passion, so it’s only the big homos making out onscreen at the end. I also love how everyone else goes right for the making out, but the lesbians hug first. This commercial was totally brilliant. It makes me weep for the state of MTV these days.

Bogus movie review!

I saw the Sex and the City movie on Saturday, and while I thought it was way too long, it was enjoyable. I always liked the show, and the movie was more of the same, just bigger, so it was fun. The Carrie/Big thing was ridiculous, though, because it’s happened, like, eighty times already, and the fact that it went down the way it did just… Blerf. What was the point?

Also, what was the point of Jennifer Hudson? She was adorable and all, but that should have been Charlotte and Lily, putting Carrie’s life back together—not some whore we’ve never met before. Because, really, the entire point of Sex and the City is the relationship between the four women. Don’t introduce someone new into it for forty-five minutes and expect us to care. When Carrie is broken, she has the girls to put her back together, and they got to start that process in Mexico, so why did it get passed off to Jennifer Hudson when they got back to New York? Stupid.

Charlotte was like a caricature of herself throughout the whole film. She was the one who got the most cartoony in the show, overreacting to things and being the uptight WASPy one, but she had plenty of quieter things to balance that out, but in the movie she was just spazoid Charlotte the whole time. Although I did laugh for five minutes straight when she shat her pants. Comedy gold, that was.

Now let’s talk about Miranda. She was always my favorite, because she was the smart one, the no-nonsense one. The one who got all, “I get it! You’re just not that into me!” on the guy who really just was having a diarrhea attack after eating Indian food, thus effectively disproving that whole “he’s just not into you” bullshit, even though nary a marketing soul took any notice of that. Anyway.

I would really just like to talk about, now, how apparently one stupid thing she said was the huge pivotal event in the film, which. Please. Okay, so just so I can spoil the film for anyone who hasn’t seen it, at Carrie and Big’s rehearsal dinner, Miranda gets all cranky because her cheatin’ husband’s shown up to beg forgiveness again, and she runs into Big and says, “You’re crazy to get married!” And then Big leaves Carrie at the altar the next day.

Miranda thinks this could possibly be her fault. Like I said before, please. PUH-LEASE. Big did this all on his own—the wedding bananas was spinning out of control, and instead of telling Carrie that he was getting uncomfortable, he just didn’t show up to the wedding. He would have done the same thing if he hadn’t talked to Miranda at all at the rehearsal dinner. I mean, I can understand Miranda momentarily freaking out, all, “Oh my god, did I do this?” But when she told Charlotte and Samantha, they should have said, “God, of course not. This is Mr. Big, Miranda. You had nothing to do with it.”

And seriously. She had nothing to do with it. I can still buy letting it bother her for months afterwards, but when she finally told Carrie, Carrie should have said, “Oh, Miranda, you had nothing to do with this. This is Big we’re talking about. I should have seen this coming from a mile away.”

Because really? She should have. But no, the whole thing got blown out of proportion, and Carrie and Miranda were in a fight for days, and I was very sad. But she made it up with Miranda much more easily than she did with Big, which is good, because Miranda is way more important than some guy.

Speaking of Miranda, can I say it really bothered me that they had to have that waitress mistake Carrie for her girlfriend? Does that make me a bad lez? I mean, they already did the “Miranda’s been mistaken for a dyke!” storyline in the first season. Maybe that’s why they brought it up again? The first season kind of sucked so no one remembers it, and Cynthia Nixon’s gay in real life? Whatever, it was stupid. The only good thing about it was that Miranda and Carrie just kind of looked at each other and laughed, instead of protesting or whatever. Which, I mean, obviously, Sex and the City was a very gay-friendly show, so I wouldn’t have expected them to freak out, but… It was unnecessary—and it was totally obvious they were going to go there when the scene with Miranda and Carrie in the restaurant full of couples opened. It got a big laugh out of all the straight ladies in the theater, which made me kind of uncomfortable. Lesbians are not laughable, people. We are funny, but we are not laughable.