Imaginary girlfriend #1

Brandi Carlile
Back when I still thought I could rank this list, Brandi spent the most time at the top of this list, because I was the most obsessed with her at the time. Her voice is killer, and only Sara Ramirez is more beautiful.
Plus, she’s a big ol’ dyke, even if she won’t talk about it out loud. She was the first lesbian on the imaginary girlfriend list, and she’s my favorite kind of girl: one who acts “boyish” but totally looks like a girl (most of the time, anyway). (Bridget also falls into this category—and she looks even girlier than Brandi.)
She, too, pretends to be a Red Sox fan when she's in Boston. I still don't know why that doesn't infuriate me. I think because she looks cute in the hat.
So the obsession has cooled, as I knew it would, but I’m sure on August 2, the fire will be burning bright once again. The girl is hottttt.
Also, the Potato posted a comment on my myspace (oh lord) that said, "I think Brandi Carlile would talk about beers with you...'cause I think she's a drunk." I think he's right--about her bein' a drunk, anyway. And I love a girl who loves her liquor.

Self-censorship

Sometimes there are things I need to say, because saying them or writing them--getting them out of my own head somehow--makes them real, makes me feel like they're not just my imagination or that I won't choke on them any longer. Sometimes these things are best not shared with the entire internet. What do I do with them then?

Start a diary? What am I, eight?

Imaginary girlfriend #2

Kelly Clarkson
I also almost kicked Kelly off the list for Sara Ramirez, but I could not bear to do it. She’s not the hottest girl on this list, and people make fun of me for my love for her all the time, but I think she’s beautiful, and I love to listen to her sing, and yes she’s blonde now, but whatever.

All I have to do is listen to her sing "Stuff Like That There" from the first season of American Idol, and the love returns full force.


Also, check out this totally dyke-tastic picture featured in last June's issue of Elle.
Come on! I lost my mind for that one, even if I didn't find her particularly attractive all done up that way. It was just so gay it was awesome.
Also, the girl pretended to be a Red Sox fan in Boston--I know that should enrage me, but...I found it so adorable. Even if she did wear the pink hat! So what! She's cute! I don't care! Marry me, Kelly!

Ahem.
I love her. Forever. And just because I totally love this picture, I'll go out with Kelly and Jenny McCarthy in a bathtub together:

When I can't watch tv, I read about it

As far as reality shows go, reading the recaps on Television Without Pity is almost always more entertaining than watching the actual show:

"Mary calls them two of the most beautiful dancers she's ever seen, and allows herself a quiet 'woo!' The kind of 'woo!' she'd say if her mom was there and said, 'Mary, indoor voice, please.'"

Mary Murphy needs to calm the fuck down, yo. She looks like Marie Osmond and babbles like Paula Abdul (although, I will admit she actually knows what she's talking about), but she screeches like a baboon. Who needs that? At least Paula Abdul is, you know, subdued, usually. Gimme that any day.

However, I will say that these days So You Think You Can Dance is more entertaining than Idol, because there is so much less bullshit, and you know, Cat Deeley. She's seriously the greatest reality show host of all time, and Ryan Seacrest needs to be replaced right now. Right now!

Twitter-style thoughts that won't actually fit in Twitter

I should work where Kat works. Apparently, she can access facebook at her office. I used to be able to, but then some IS nerd cottoned on. I bet she can get youtube there too…

On Saturday, I will finally hand in my passport application. I just have to take some snazzy photographs—snazzy enough to be able to book a modeling job with them. Can’t say Tyra Banks never taught me anything.

Next time I mail something to Canada, I think I will supply my own box. That will cut down on time spent in the post office trying to wrangle their roll of packaging tape. In fact, it will probably eliminate that facet of my trip to the post office altogether.

I still have entries on imaginary girlfriends numbers one and two to write, but since I’m the only one who cares about that bananas, I shouldn’t let it keep me awake at night any longer.

I made a totally boss digital mix tape at muxtape.com. It’s just a mix of twelve songs that I consistently groove on, nothing new or earth-shattering, but if you’re interested in seeing a teeny slice of my iTunes library you can check it out here: electricjellybean61284.muxtape.com. (Click on the song to play it.)

Don't tell anyone, but...I miss her.

Blue crazeberry is the only acceptable chapstick flavor

Okay, I cannot escape this stupid "I Kissed a Girl Song." They played it at the bar last night, so of course all the lesbians were screaming along with the chorus, and now I can't get it out of my head. Also, when we were in line for some roller coaster last weekend, some teenage girl was singing it for her friends, and I was like, "Really? REALLY?" When something like that happens, it's hard not to wonder if it's, like, indirectly pointed at you, the obvious dyke in line in front of them. Or maybe that's just me, because I'm so vapid and narcissistic.

Also! There was this other time, Allison and I were on an escalator, and I had my hand on her ass, because sexually harassing my nearest and dearest friends is just my way, when some small child behind us said, "Lesbians!" in this, like, "Wow, they're real!" kind of voice. And Allison didn't even hear it! But I was like, "Oh my god, really? REALLY?" and I have since stopped groping my friends in public. More or less.

Anyway, the song is stupid, and it's been in my head for a week, and I don't understand why lesbians like it so much. You know what comes after "I kissed a girl and I liked it"? "I hope my boyfriend don't mind it." This is all about a girl getting all sapphic for the titillation of her straight male companions. That's not gay. I mean, I don't have a problem with it if that's what you wanna do, and you're not leading some poor dyke on--whatever gets your rocks off, children. But I don't need to hear it at the gay bar. You know?

I have the film taste of an eight- to ten-year-old

With the release of Wall-E last weekend, it seems that everyone is making a list of their favorite Pixar movies. So. Here’s mine.

9. Cars
This movie is, like, almost exclusively for pre-school aged boys. (I’m all for gender equality and stuff, but I have never met a four-year-old girl obsessed with machines. They must exist, though, right? Anyway.) It’s cute and all, and it’s Pixar, so it is good, but it’s just not the best.

8. A Bug’s Life
This is the only Pixar movie I don’t own, and I’ve only seen it once, so you’d think it wouldn’t be better than Cars, but… I like movies about living things better than machines. Uh, generally. Plus, the cast of voice actors in this movie is awesome.

7. Ratatouille
Okay, I bought this without even seeing it once—I don’t know how Mike and I missed it in theaters—and it was totally worth it. The only thing is that I fell asleep in the middle, which was more a reflection on my hectic lifestyle than it was on the movie. That just means I haven’t given Ratatouille the chance to rocket up the list yet, because it is seriously sweet and hilarious. And it’s about a rat who is a gourmet cook! It’s charming. Plus, the main human character’s name is Linguini. Like, for real.

6. Toy Story 2
Everyone says the sequel is better than the original, so maybe I haven’t given the sequel a fair chance, but… It’s good—I may have even cried—but the original Toy Story still bests it for me. Still, Sarah McLachlan singing “When She Loved Me”—I’d have to be made of stone not to be moved by that. I think I should watch this one again, probably.

5. Toy Story
Okay, for years I used to wonder what my toys would do while I was at school—or away on vacation—and this movie just brought my imagination to life in the most perfect way. And when I was ten or whatever, it was hilarious. And I still love the aliens in that claw machine at the pizza place. Toy Story was brilliant. Brilliant, I say, and it still holds up for me.

4. Wall-E
Right, so this is the movie about machines I liked better than a movie about living things. You guys. It is so sweet and so funny, and oh my god. I spent the whole movie wanting to grab Mike’s hand, but I didn’t because we’re not in love in that way. So. Sweet. And the animation is mind-blowing. I am definitely going to see this one again in theaters.

3. The Incredibles
Oh my god, this movie. When it was released in theaters, I had very little interest in it, so I didn’t see it until we were in Texas in 2005 when it was on the Pay-Per-View channels, and I think we watched it almost every night, because there was nothing else on, and I never got tired of it. And, yo. I know everyone says this, but I. Love. Edna. Also, Holly Hunter is hot even when you can’t see her.

2. Monsters, Inc.
This was another Pixar movie I didn’t see until long after it was out of theaters, and I don’t know why, because it slayed me. Billy Crystal and Jennifer Tilly are generally intolerable, but they were some of the best things about this movie. It’s just brilliant and all heart-warming, and I love the Abominable Snowman.

1. Finding Nemo
If you know me, and you know my favorite classically animated Disney movie is The Little Mermaid, you shouldn’t be surprised that Finding Nemo is my favorite Pixar film. I love anything that takes place in the ocean. Love it. Plus, Finding Nemo is far and away the funniest of Pixar’s offerings, and it features Ellen Degeneres’s best performance ever, as Dory, the forgetful, golden-hearted fish. As an added bonus, Allison Janney plays a starfish. I don’t think Pixar will ever top this one.

Oh! Plus, the animated short before Wall-E, featuring an adorable bunny rabbit, is probably my favorite short of Pixar’s. I would go see Wall-E again just for that.

So. Anyone wanna weigh in? Am I the only one out there who’s seen all of Pixar’s movies?