Emily Saliers

And now we're talking about a difficult thing
and your eyes are getting wet
but I took us for better
and I took us for worse
and don't you ever forget it

Equal parts horrifying and hilarious

"Blair is wearing a cape, with a little black velvet twist at the throat, and looks more than ever like the headmistress of a shady Home for Victorian Waifs where they beat you with sticks for taking off your clothes to bathe, and sell you to a fat man when you turn fifteen. Tell me you don't think that's an ideal job for Blair Waldorf." --Jacob, Television Without Pity

"Every morning, when Alaskans wake up, one of the first things they do, is look outside to see if there are any Russians hanging around. And if there are, you gotta go up to them and ask, 'What are you doing here?' and if they can't give you a good reason, it's our responsibility to say, you know, 'Shoo! Get back over there!'" --Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, Saturday Night Live

So much better than fetch

Sarah Warn is a genius:

"I think the name 'Tina Fey' should become shorthand for smart, feminist, lesbian-inclusive behavior. As in, 'Donating money to fight Prop. 8 is so Tina Fey.'

"It could even be used in reverse — as in, 'Voting for Sarah Palin is so not Tina Fey.'"

Is it too late to move to California?

Meatballs

No, I Can't Put It in Your Butt

An ode, of sorts, to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler:

Whenever things in my life seem shitty, these betches have always, always been able to make me forget my troubles for at least a few minutes.

Standing up for Hillary Clinton, ripping apart Sarah Palin, making fun of Martians, telling fart jokes, jumping around on one leg, jumping around on one leg and farting, being hot (as above), imitating Cathy from the cartoon Cathy, the existence of the film Mean Girls, making fun of the Bush twins, gayin' it up for their legions of lady fans (as above). I could probably go on, but I will not.

This might be melodramatic or whatever, but I don't know if I could deal with the things I'll have to deal with without these betches to pick me up once in a while. They're hilarious, they're smart, they're beautiful, and there's no one like them. Also, I mean, wouldn't they make the perfect comedic lesbian couple in some movie? Tina, work your magic.

In conclusion... Pit bulls don't have wallets, dang!

Did I say dorking out yesterday? Today is so much worse.

Some days ago, Allison and I were fantasizing about having millions of dollars, and she said something about me buying an iPod for every day of the week, and even though she was totally making fun of me, ever since then I haven't been able to get the idea out of my head.

Mind you, I am fully aware of how stupid, useless, and wasteful that would be. If I had millions, I would certainly use them for my own enjoyment, but I also hope I would avoid the five cars, overly large house pitfall and use good portions of my riches to help others. By which I mean, I would hopefully not buy a bunch of expensive things I clearly don't need just because I can.

However. Sometimes I still selfishly fantasize about the fun of having eight different iPods--seven nanos for each day of the week and one classic to hold music and videos. Okay, the only reason this occupies my nerdiest fantasies is that Apple released the nanos in all these pretty colors. I could use the red one on Mondays, and it could be full of certain kinds of Monday-ish songs, and then the blue one on Tuesdays, etc. (Awesomely enough, there are nine different colors of nanos, so I wouldn't even have to buy a pink one to carry out this plan.) I would totally color-coordinate/day-coordinate my music library too, which is, um, ridiculous, but oh, the joy it would bring to my nerdy little heart.

So I'm sad to say that if I had millions, I would probably buy seven iPod nanos and then start obsessively going through my library, making lists of which songs to put on which color for which day. Maybe I will do that anyway, for the phantom iPod nanos I will never buy, because I will never have millions.

What I should buy instead of seven iPods I don't need (really, what is wrong with me?) is an Apple TV. That would be rather awesome. However, we have this whole fancy home theater thing set up now, and I could not add an Apple TV to that mess myself, because I am, sadly, not that geeky, so I would have to go to Tweeter and buy the Apple TV and then ask nicely if they can come over and hook it up for me. Which they would do. For extra dough, most likely. But! Worth it. Plus, I could buy the cheaper one, because I'd have all my media on my computer and wouldn't need to store it locally on the box itself, thus saving myself the money I will have to spend on an installation. Oh, boo.

Told you it was dorkier today.

Snobbing out, dorking out, etc.

Okay, so. I loved Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist so much that I bought the other book Rachel Cohn and David Levithan wrote together, Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List, and I think I liked it better. I can't quite tell, because... I kind of hated Naomi, and she's one of the main characters. But I really liked how the story was told through the points of view of nearly all the people involved. And I really liked the gay love story--and it was a boy gay love story. Not that I don't love gay boys or anything, but you know I like to hear about girls falling in love much better.

Anyway. I can't quite figure out why I hated Naomi, but from the very beginning I kind of had no patience for how she was still stubbornly holding out for her gay best friend to fall in love with her. I should cut her some slack, because she's only eighteen, and that's a little bit young to be able to see those kinds of things. And maybe because I've never been in love with a boy, gay or otherwise. I've never actually been in love with anyone, but you know. Serious crushes? Always on girls. Straight girls. So I get that part of being totally into someone who'll never want you that same way, but, you know, even when I was eighteen, I knew it would never happen. You know, because the girls--they weren't into girls. And I didn't think so much of myself that I thought I could turn them or anything. Even during some of my more protracted crushes, I never really thought anything would happen. And the crushes that lasted the longest were the most hopeless. Ugh.

Also, she's flunking out of college in this story, which is another thing I have no patience for. I realize this makes me a snob of the highest degree, but... Go to class, do the work--or at least just do the work--stop bitching. I'm not very sympathetic to the problems of this character. That's why I hated her. And I mean, her parents' marriage imploded, which I should have been able to sympathize with, but she was just so...blech about everything else that I didn't give a crap. Plus, she was super mean to Ely, and Ely, though not without faults, was not an ass to her, so. Eff you, Naomi.

This book wasn't as full of trying-too-hard hipster references as Nick and Norah--in fact, there were copious references to things that are decidedly unhip, like High School Musical and Dawson's Creek. But there was this one story Ely was telling about...something he did with Naomi, and he finished it with, "It was a time," which is something I often say, because it comes from... My So-Called Life. "We did. We had a time," Angela muses after her evening with Rayanne at Let's Bolt. These authors--or at least one of them--clearly dig My So-Called Life, and I just can't hate on that, can I?

I want a book like this, like Nick and Norah about girls. Annie on My Mind is totally the only good teenaged lesbo book I've ever read. I've read a lot of mediocre and a few bad ones. I want a good one for the 21st century.

Shit.

Does that mean I have to write it?

Funny things I read today

I forgot about Rich at fourfour. He also posts hilarious Top Model recaps:

"[Tyra:] 'It's a message for everybody. Shiny fabric is not your friend!' Luckily, this being a reality show, shiny fabric isn't here to make friends." (Clearly, the gays have the Top Model market cornered.)

I love a girl who laughs at monkeys:
"I find that most things are funnier live. Except for monkey's sniffing their own butt and falling out of a tree. That's the only thing that translates. When you see monkeys scratching their ass and falling out of a tree live, you laugh, and when you see them on YouTube, you laugh." --Amy Poehler

Oh, little J:
"Taylor Momsen should smack whoever authorized that shag; she also might want to think about relaxing, wiping off some of that eyeliner, and simply being 15 instead of trying to leapfrog into her late twenties. Dakota Fanning should take her bowling." --The Fug Girls

Unintentional humor:
"My name is Diana, and I care." --A former classmate's away message

Okay, this is not so much funny, but I just discovered that Kenley actually said she doesn't listen to Tim Gunn Wednesday night. Oh, that is the mortal sin of Runway. And it's usually the death knell. Why is Kenley still there?

In other people hate Sarah Palin news

Regina Spektor is a genius. Plus, I really like her music. Plus plus, she loves the gays. Apparently, she did a few shows on Cyndi Lauper's True Colors tours, and why I never went to one of the True Colors shows, I do not know.

Also! She, like one of my other lady musician heroes, Alanis Morissette, recorded a song for a Chronicles of Narnia movie. "The Call" plays at the end of Prince Caspian, and it totally killed me both times.

And, some more: she did a song with one of my favorite boy musicians, Ben Folds, which I remember catching somewhere months ago, but then I forgot it, but then I read that blog post yesterday, and I was like, "Hey! Maybe Ben's album finally came out!" So I checked iTunes. It has not come out, but it was available for pre-order, and their song "You Don't Know Me" was immediately available. So I have been listening to it on a loop since then, and that is something I almost never. Ever. Do.

I remember the first time I ever heard her. The Potato and I were in the WDOM studio at 8:30 on a November morning (Tuesday? I think our shows were buttass early in the morning on Tuesdays that first semester), and I was looking through the new CDs that had gotten sent to the station. We were supposed to play ten songs from these new CDs, but since we only played female artists, we figured we could do five songs, because there were so many more male artists/bands in the station's add bin. Anyway, there was a 3-song EP from Regina, and it had a sticker on it with a quote from some reviewer that said she was like a cross between Bjork and Joni Mitchell. Carlos loves Bjork, and we both love Joni Mitchell, so I was like, "We should play this." I think we played "Us," and we both quickly dug it. "Carbon Monoxide" totally sold us, I think, but my favorite song from that little EP was "Ghost of Corporate Future." Eventually, I made it to the Providence Newbury Comics and bought her CD Soviet Kitsch, and I was head over heels.

Also, she does sound like a combo of Bjork and Joni Mitchell sometimes. She's pretty much the best new artist I've ever discovered. She may be the only new artist I've ever discovered all by myself... Whatever! Awesome. She is awesome.

In conclusion, I love when I discover that straight people I admire are awesome and eloquent allies. And when they share my opinions on horrifying politicians: "Then again, we are a heart beat away from having a very inexperienced woman (an insult to all actually deserving women out there) possibly lead our country off the deep end of the edge of human reason ... but that's a much longer post..."

Can't wait to read that blog post, Regina!

Anxiously awaiting the 25th

Well. I believe walking around with your hands shoved in your pockets was on "the list," yes?
Also, I kind of swoon for the long sleeve shirt under the scrubs top look. On everyone. But mostly Sara.

Okay, okay, also I was just on ABC's official Grey's site, and I noticed this at the bottom of the page in their collage of characters image.
Ignore Justin Chambers's head there, and check the Brooke/Sara laughter. That is totally an outtake from the kiss at the end of last season. I must see that outtake! Someone buy the season 4 DVDs and let me know if they include outtakes. And then let me borrow the special features disc. Cuz I already iTunes'd season 4 because I was jonesin' for more Brooke Smith action, and I was not about to watch Silence of the Lambs again to get my fix of that (eesh), so I will not be buying the DVDs this time. I am not that insane. Anymore.

In other I hate Sarah Palin news

The Governor of Alaska is at the very least interested in banning books. When she was elected mayor of Wasilla, she allegedly asked the city librarian if she would be all right with removing books from library shelves if the mayor saw fit to ask her to do so. The librarian said no, like any good librarian would. Whether it went any further is up for debate, blah blah, but the fact remains that Sarah Palin thinks government censorship of what we are able to read is a-okay.

Oh it is NOT.

Anyway, children, the ALA's Banned Books Week is coming up (September 27 - October 4), and in honor of that, I have decided to read the ten most challenged books of 2007, according to info gathered by the ALA. These books are

1. And Tango Makes Three by Justin Richardson/Peter Parnell
2. The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
3. Olive’s Ocean by Kevin Henkes
4. The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman
5. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
6. The Color Purple by Alice Walker
7. TTYL by Lauren Myracle
8. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
9. It's Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris
10. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

And actually, I've read three* of them already, so I'm cheating and only reading seven. Also And Tango Makes Three is a picture book about gay penguins, so really, it'll be six actual books. The Nashua Public library had best have all these books, but I will totally buy the gay penguins book if they don't have that.

The Chocolate War and Huck Finn, I think, appear on the ALA's list of most challenged books of all time (along with some of my very favorites, like The Giver and A Wrinkle in Time), and I don't know about the Chocolate War, but Huck Finn is always challenged because of how many times the n-word appears in it. And like, um. That's kind of the point of Huck Finn--it's the racism of the 1830s South through the eyes of a ten-year-old boy. Mark Twain wasn't racist; Huck isn't racist--the society in which this boy lives is racist. The book is not racist--it's not a Klan manifesto. God. People are so dumb.

Well. Duh. People who want to ban books are all idiots. Sigh.

Oh, by the way. What kind of books did Mayor Palin allegedly want to remove from her city's shelves? Gay ones, specifically Daddy's Roommate and Pastor, I Am Gay. Of course. Letting this woman anywhere near the White House is the worst idea I've ever heard.

*A token of my love and affection to anyone who can guess which three.

Should we talk about Gossip Girl?

I don't have a lot to say this time. I am glad that Serena and Dan broke up, and I loved how she yelled at him for being a judgmental prick, and then he fell down. Suck it, Dan!

Chuck is in love with Blair, blah blah, but he's back to being creepy instead of sympathetic. So. Creepy.

Nate and Vanessa--yawn.

Jenny, the wise intern, telling Eleanor how to breathe new life into her designs? JESUS CHRIST. Get rid of that posthaste.

Most disappointing of all, however, is the fact that the power went out, and NO ONE HAD SEX. No one. Maybe I'm too used to Showtime porn or something, but come on. It's a blackout. There are lots of sexy people on this show. But all they did was talk! Boo.

However, I am kind of wicked excited to see Dan and Serena fight next week. I wish Serena would date a lady now that she's free from the shackles of Humphriana, but I'll have to keep dreaming.

And where is Lily? Where is Eric? I want van der Woodsen bonding! Because I clearly won't get any lesbians!

Oh marry me, Jacob Clifton

From his recap of last week's episode of Gossip Girl:

"She texts Dorota (911, party to plan!!!) and they smile vaguely at each other; she waves the furious texting off like 'you know how it is, we're drunk, don't worry about it.' Hopefully that's the explanation for the punctuation abuse, anyway: my Blair certainly doesn't hit three exclamation points when only one is required."

Er, and Potes again, too:
"What? I carry my handbag in my vagina all the time. It really frees up your arms to carry groceries or pet kittens."

Makin' up words and song lists

The other day I made a playlist that I entitled "Nerdelation," which was basically a collection of my nerdiest songs--either songs nerds would enjoy or songs that just seem fundamentally nerdy to me. I don't know. I am not explaining this very well, but I totally dug it, so now I want to share it.

Nerdelation: Twenty-Five Songs for and Inspired by Nerds
1. Hey Sandy - Polaris (which was the theme song to The Adventure of Pete & Pete)
2. Rock This Bitch - Ben Folds
3. Do It with Madonna - The Androids
4. No Reason - Ben Kweller
5. Down with Disease - Phish
6. Mr. Mastodon Farm - Cake
7. Bats in the Belfry - Dispatch
8. Sister Kate - The Ditty Bops
9. Geek in the Pink - Jason Mraz
10. I'm Downright Amazed at What I Can Destroy with Just a Hammer - Atom & His Package
11. Piggies - The Beatles
12. My Dad Is Rich - Draco and the Malfoys
13. If You Want to Wear a Hat - Apples in Stereo
14. My Name Is Jorge - The Gourds
15. Chemistry - Semisonic
16. XFIRE - The Bens
17. Suspended in Gaffa - Kate Bush
18. Experimental Film - They Might Be Giants
20. When You Were Mine - Tegan and Sara
21. Jessica - Adam Green
22. Wrapped Up in Books - Belle & Sebastian
23. Three Is a Magic Number - Blind Melon
24. Thank You, Mario, But Our Princess Is in Another Castle - The Mountain Goats & Kaki King
25. Will You Love Me Tomorrow? - Tina Fey, Jimmy Fallon & Rudy Giuliani
26. Chordless - Jess Kaps

Intrigued? I burn CDs!

Heh. I know this was probably fun for only me, but I thought I'd throw it out there to the world.

Oh! Just for fun, let's see what Genius gives me for songs based upon "Hey Sandy":
1. Hey Sandy - Polaris
2. These Days - Nico
3. Experimental Film - They Might Be Giants
4. F.N.T. - Semisonic
5. Step into My Office, Baby - Belle & Sebastian
6. Thirteen - Big GStar
7. Kids in America - The Muffs
8. Tired of Sex - Weezer
9. Stop! - The Bens
10. Jessica - Adam Green
11. Army - Ben Folds
12. Drain You - Nirvana
13. Science vs. Romance - Rilo Kiley
14. Summerbaby - Polaris
15. When I Grow Up - Garbage
16. Singing in My Sleep - Semisonic
17. Heavy Metal Drummer - Wilco
18. King of the Rodeo - Kings of Leon
19. Keep Fishin' - Weezer
20. Wasted & Ready - Ben Kweller
21. Honestly - Zwan
22. If She Wants Me - Belle & Sebastian
23. Alright - Supergrass
24. Come On Eileen - Save Ferris
25. It's a Hit - Rilo Kiley

Well. This actually isn't a bad playlist, but it's not nerdy enough. And I totally should have put Weezer on my playlist, but I would have picked "In the Garage," which is quite possibly the nerdiest of all their nerdy songs. And Genius and I only had two songs in common besides "Hey Sandy," but we had a few artists in common. So. Not bad, Genius, not bad.

I really don't like to talk about feet, I swear

Once upon a time, when I was still underage, in a far away land some called Roe Dyeland, I got drunk (I know!) and went to a gay bar (I know!). At that gay bar, there were pole-dancing stages dispersed throughout the dance floor, and because I was drunk, and because peer pressure works much better on me when I'm drunk, I got up on one of these stages with my friends and acted a fool.

Naturally, when I had had enough acting a fool, I jumped off the stage, which was an idiotic idea, because I was drunk. So of course I landed badly and totally and utterly fucked up my left ankle. It was probably pretty badly sprained, but did I go to the health center on Monday? No. I bought a brace and CVS and sucked it up, and after a while it stopped hurting, but I really don't think my foot has been the same since then. Whenever I wear shoes, it just doesn't feel right when I walk, and whenever I walk for long periods of time, even in flip-flops, it gets all...hurty while my right foot remains stalwart and true.

It was especially painful that time I spent an entire weekend wandering around New York City and also the time I spent, like, four days wandering around Toronto. Both times, my right foot was fine.

I need a new left foot.

Christian Siriano did not invent the word fierce

I sure did enjoy Stacie Ponder's Top Model recap over at afterellen, but nothing will ever top Potes's recaps at Television Without Pity, I'm afraid. (Dan Blau's recaps of the earliest cycles are not to be missed either.)

I mean, she makes references to mythology:
"Tyra tries, as she does at the beginning of every L.A. season, to convince us that L.A. is the epicenter of the fashion world, because it is where she sprung fully formed from her own giant forehead. In the beginning was the forehead."

She's topical!
"Hannah will only become interesting if it turns out she is Bristol Palin in disguise. I bet you didn't know the McCain campaign was pro-fierce, did you?"

And she conjures an image of Tyra as Augustus Gloop:
"The body scan room looks a lot like the room where Mike TeeVee was miniaturized in the original Willy Wonka. You know that Tyra is already stuck in a chocolate extraction pipe somewhere on the premises."

Could anything be more perfect? Just in case you think Stacie has the edge because she writes for a gay website, Potes is also a lesbian. Boo-yah.

And as a bonus, she throws in a reference to a sitcom I thought only I had ever watched:
"This may be Tyra's finest acting performance ever, and she's clearly taken inspiration from reruns of Small Wonder."

Teenage nerds

So. It's no secret that I like books and movies aimed at younger audiences. Netflix knows this. Amazon knows this. So at one point, Amazon recommended a book to me called Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, and I was like, whatever. Then I vaguely heard it had been made into a movie, so the next time I was at Barnes & Noble, I picked it up, because I was in the mood for some light YA literature.

And it was good. Like, better than I ever expected, but I have a slight problem. This book is from 2006, and the protagonists are seniors in high school, and nearly all the pop culture references are to things that almost I am too young for. Like, there are copious references to My So-Called Life, which I loved, but I was ten when that show was on, and these little shits would have been, like, six. I know, I know, it got second life on MTV, but the characters seem too young to be this cool.

Also, there was a whole big Sound of Music thing, and that's timeless, and I loved it, and the best part of all, the entire novel was full of gayness, despite the fact that it was a straight love story.

Anyway, I started writing all this because I just saw the trailer, and I get that they had to change some stuff from the book so that we get all the salient back story points. But. But! In the trailer, it's Norah who asks Nick to be her boyfriend for five minutes, and in the book it's Nick who asks Norah to be his girlfriend for five minutes. Why did they change that? Why did they make the girl more pathetic? WHY?

I wrote this in June. Why I never posted it I couldn't say.

These days I’ve been wishing I knew how to write a screenplay, because I want to see Annie on My Mind adapted for film. Not that if I could write a screenplay, that would happen, but… I kind of want to try it anyway, because I love to go on and on and on about how the book is better than the movie, blah blah. Like, I know it’s hard to adapt a novel to fit into two hours, and that plotting and pacing and characterization have to be done very differently in a film, and I’m not even that good at writing stories with a beginning, middle, and end, but well. I wanted to try, for some reason, to see if it could be done better. And if this book in particular could be done at all.

If I could adapt Annie on My Mind for a screenplay, then maybe… Somebody else could. Or I could win the lottery and find someone to produce it for me. Someone who knows how to make a movie. I have never, ever been interested in, like, making movies, but I really wish there was a movie about teenage lesbians that doesn’t end in one of them going back to guys and/or one of them killing herself. Mostly, I want the anti-Lost and Delirious.

And then I was trying to think of who I could cast in this film, you know, if I had unlimited resources and any idea about how to make a movie. And I was like, “Blake Lively could be Annie,” because, uh… I have a crush on her. And she could, I think. Annie’s more like Bridget Vreeland than Serena van der Woodsen, so it would work. Even though Annie has long, dark hair, and if this movie were to happen, and someone like Blake Lively were to be cast as Annie, I’d be all, “Annie’s not a blonde!”

I can’t even please myself.

Who’d be Liza? For a while, I was toying with the idea of Anna Popplewell, because, uh, I had just seen Prince Caspian, and she’s beautiful, and she seems to be able to capture this quiet, soulful thing that I think works for Liza. Plus, I’m short on actors who could play teenagers. The only teenaged show I watch is Gossip Girl—thus, Blake Lively. And as much as I want to see Blair and Serena fall in love, Leighton Meester’s not Liza, so.

The thing about this, though, is that Anna Popplewell and Blake Lively don’t mesh in my head. Someone needs to be recast. I think Blake’s the one who’s not really a good fit and is only in here because I want to see her kiss a girl.

All right, lesbians. I think one of you has read Annie on My Mind (and whoever else is here, not reading Annie on My Mind, should read it, even the one non-lesbian. I’ll let you borrow it!). Who would you pick to play Annie and Liza in my fantasy film? And where can I pick up actors young enough to play teenagers? Blake’s twenty-one, and Anna’s…nineteen? So they’re pretty much perfect as far as Hollywood ages go. Probably, if this were a real movie, the best thing to do would be send a casting director out to senior classes and find two unknowns, but since this is a fantasy movie, I have to fantasy cast famous people.

The only character I’m, like, totally solid on is Chad, Liza’s little brother, who I think should totally be played by Connor Paolo, tiny gay Eric from Gossip Girl. He’s great at being the little brother, and Chad’s a great little brother, who loves his sister even though the gay thing totally throws him.

The adults I can’t be bothered to think up, even the two other lesbians, Ms. Widmer and Ms. Stevenson. But I have to cast Liza’s best friend Sally and her boyfriend Walt. Sally’s basically an idiot, and Walt’s kind of a good guy, but kind of a frat guy. I don’t know.

Sadly, my favorite lesbians, Bridget McManus and Jill Bennett, are way too old to be the teenagers but way too young to be the older lesbian couple. There’s not a single out actor the right age to play a teenaged lesbian, is there? I’d like to throw Jodie Foster in there, as Ms. Widmer, Liza’s gay English teacher. How about that?

Do you know what I recently found out? Nancy Garden, the author of this novel, married her high school sweetheart. Legally and everything, because at the back of the book it says she lives in Massachusetts. That’s sweet. So, in my head, that means Liza and Annie last forever, too. Though I imagine Nancy and her lady might really be Ms. Widmer and Ms. Stevenson. Whatever.

The book takes place in, I dunno, the late seventies, probably, because it was published in 1982, and I think I read somewhere that it took a while for a publisher to accept it—or Nancy Garden published it herself because no one wanted it, but I might be making that up. Anyway, the homophobia is really strong because of the time period, but the sad thing is, twenty-five years later, the reactions of Liza’s family and classmates and headmistress do not seem out of place. Neither do Liza and Annie’s fears of being all gay in public.

Sigh. It is hard to be gay.

Allison just suggested that Ellen Page could be in my fantasy movie, and I wholeheartedly agree. I think she’d be Liza. Who could be Annie, then? This is hard. I am clearly not cut out to be in pictures.

Genius experiments

So. I downloaded iTunes 8 because I really, really, really wanted to see how good this Genius feature was going to be, and I made 3 quick playlists based on 3 of my favorite songs these days.

The first one is based on the iTunes Live Sessions version of Tegan and Sara's "Back in Your Head":
1. Back in Your Head - Tegan and Sara
2. Portions for Foxes - Rilo Kiley
3. The Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie
4. Be Be Your Love - Rachael Yamagata
5. Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson
6. Satellite - Guster
7. I Know I Know I Know - Tegan and Sara
8. 12:51 - The Strokes
9. Bottle It Up - Sara Bareilles
10. If She Wants Me - Belle & Sebastian
11. On the Radio - Regina Spektor
12. The Story - Brandi Carlile
13. Everything I'm Not - The Veronicas
14. Catch My Disease - Ben Lee
15. Crooked Teeth - Death Cab for Cutie
16. Brick - Ben Folds Five
17. Four Winds - Bright Eyes
18. Taper Jean Girl - Kings of Leon
19. Nineteen - Tegan and Sara
20. Silver Lining - Rilo Kiley
21. Phantom Limb - The Shins
22. Anyone Else But You - The Moldy Peaches
23. Us - Regina Spektor
24. Goodnight Goodnight - Hot Hot Heat
25. Fluorescent Adolescent - Arctic Monkeys

This one's based on "Downpour":
1. Downpour - Brandi Carlile
2. You Don't Make It Easy, Babe - Josh Ritter
3. Get Out the Map - Indigo Girls
4. Slung-Lo - Erin McKeown
5. Gravity - Sara Bareilles
6. Tried to Be True - Indigo Girls & Brandi Carlile
7. Airline to Heaven - Wilco
8. Sunny Came Home - Shawn Colvin
9. Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson
10. Welcome Me - Indigo Girls
11. See the World - Gomez
12. Hallelujah - Brandi Carlile
13. Madly - Tristan Prettyman
14. Song Beneath the Song - Maria Taylor
15. Life Less Ordinary - Carbon Leaf
16. Language or the Kiss - Indigo Girls
17. Golden Age of Radio - Josh Ritter
18. Not As We - Alanis Morissette
19. What Light - Wilco
20. Gotta Serve Somebody - Bob Dylan
21. The Facts about Jimmy - Shawn Colvin
22. When the Stars Go Blue - Ryan Adams
23. The Story - Brandi Carlile
24. Across the Universe - Rufus Wainwright
25. Southland in the Springtime - Indigo Girls

And this final one, just so I could embarrass myself some more on the internet, is based on "Since U Been Gone":
1. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
2. Everything I'm Not - The Veronicas
3. You and I Both - Jason Mraz
4. Hero - Mariah Carey
5. As Lovers Go - Dashboard Confessional
6. Wreck of the Day - Anna Nalick
7. Ironic - Alanis Morissette
8. Samson - Regina Spektor
9. Addicted - Kelly Clarkson
10. You Had Me - Joss Stone
11. Comfortable - John Mayer
12. Love and Memories - O.A.R.
13. The Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie
14. This Year's Love - David Gray
15. Say You'll Be There - Spice Girls
16. Amazing - Josh Kelley
17. 4Ever - The Veronicas
18. You Thought Wrong - Kelly Clarkson & Tamyra Gray
19. Look After You - The Fray
20. You Found Me - Kelly Clarkson
21. Always Be My Baby - Mariah Carey
22. My Prerogative - Britney Spears
23. Black Roses Red - Alana Grace
24. Only Hope - Mandy Moore
25. Why Can't I? - Liz Phair

On the whole, Genius does a decent job of pulling songs that do go rather well together, but it repeats artists more often than I would in the space of twenty-five songs, and... I don't know. I usually make playlists for driving, so I pay more attention to what I like to sing while I'm in the car than whether or not the songs flow or whatever. My playlists are fun, if not musically sophisticated.

Anyway, Genius is fun just for seeing which songs it matches together, but it will not take over playlist duty the next time I drive to Canada. Also, I just realized it's basically a fancified version of iTunes' old feature, Smart Shuffle or whatever the crap that was. Party Shuffle? Yeah. It's better than that, but still not better than me!

A weekly feature?

I knew investing in the Gossip Girl season pass was a brilliant idea. Good morning, Blake Lively in a bra!
However. Making out with Dan in the bathroom of a bus? Ew. Ew. Ew. (Mostly for the bus, but still a little bit for the Dan.)

How cute was Chuck's squash playing outfit? (What even is squash, by the way? It looks like raquetball, I guess.) Chuck gets the best clothes. Why isn't he gay?

(Seriously. How gay is this capture? Chuck gettin' some sweaty young man's digits.)

Oh Chuck. Selling his club to keep Mrs. Archibald's spoiled ass in her finery. He does have a functioning heart. Why can't he tell Blair he loves her?

You know who I didn't miss? Vanessa. She's kind of hot, but she's too annoying for it to be worth it. And why is Rufus asking her for advice? He's a grown man, and she's a child! What weirdness.

I don't like Blair trying too hard. Especially not for some guy. Oh, but Serena's reactions kind of make up for it.
I sure do love Blake's face.
Oh, Blair. Uncovering the dirt. As soon as she has something to use as blackmail, she's back to Queen B and not this desperate wannabe. Bitchface looks much better on her than sucking up.
Um, two episodes into the season, and we still haven't seen Lily, but we did see Serena's evil grandmother? And where is Eric? Why did we have to trade him for Vanessa? And what is Vanessa doing with Nate, getting her cafe all set up for a romantic dinner? I thought they decided they shouldn't date. Oh, whatever.

Serena and Chuck as stepsiblings is actually kind of fun. (I tried to get a capture of her stealing his orange juice--or "orange juice," since it is Chuck after all--but his face looked awful in all of them, so...you'll just have to imagine it.) Now we just need a Serena-Eric-Chuck bonding session. I might die from the cuteness.

Let's talk about Gossip Girl

I got distracted during the season premiere, so I missed a lot of it, and I finally got to watch it again, so here are some thoughts!

We were clearly meant to think that blonde lady Nate was making out with in the beginning was Serena, huh? I didn't fall for it. You know who she is? (This was bugging me all Monday night.) Sherry from Gilmore Girls. You know what this reminds me of? Pacey and the English teacher. Except all Upper East Side-y.

Dan the playboy is pretty gross. Dan the anything is pretty gross. He's so judgmental! I don't know. Serena is too good for him.

And what happened to Serena's evil grandmother? I liked it better when she hated Dan.

But this was pretty awesome. Serena catches Dan's hypocrisy in action!
You know the one character who hit me in the gut this time? Chuck. Chuck's still icky, and his heart is still two sizes too small, but he has one! And it has feelings! Even if icky Chuck can't tell Blair he loves her he does, as well as his Grinch-sized heart can. Blair deserves better than a Grinch-sized heart, of course, so I don't blame her for walking away, but it was so. Sad.
I have to say... I kind of still hate Jenny, even though she's being nice again. And Eric needs a friend! Maybe Eric can make her likable. I love Eric. I love him--I love him even more when he's bonding with Chuck. I love how Chuck was the one he told about being gay. I can't believe I love the boys more than the girls these days. I can't believe I felt worse for Chuck than I did for Blair.

What has become of me?

Oh, wait. This'll bring things back to normal.
Oh, white parties. Brilliant idea, apparently. (Even Dan looks good! What is happening?)

We'll see who's a Genius

So Apple is allegedly releasing new iPods next Tuesday, as well as launching iTunes 8 which will have some interesting new features. The iPods that look like they're being updated are the nano and the touch, which does me no good, unless the iPod touch magically gets a 160GB hard drive. Then I might do something stupid, because I've been in a bad mood all month, and something new and shiny could probably cheer me up for at least a day.

Stupid disease.

Anyway, the thing I'm interested in this time, since the iPod classics look to be staying the same, is a new rumored feature in iTunes called Genius, which can apparently generate playlists from your library of songs that just, like, go perfectly together. I am eager to see how well this works because few people have a more eclectic music collection than I. These recommendation generator things always fail to impress me, because while I seem to share big chunks of my taste in music (and books) with a bunch of other people, it never really matches up. I wonder what it'll do with my collection. I love making playlists--I don't think Genius will be better at it than me. Twice, I made a 350-song playlist for a roadtrip, and they were both super awesome, if rather similar. I'd like to see an automated program make a playlist that'll take me out of the country and back! Boo-yah!

In lieu of purchasing a 160GB iPod touch that doesn't exist, I just bought season one of Gossip Girl on iTunes. (I almost bought the first season of Doug, but I decided Gossip Girl would keep me more occupied.) More economical anyway, if not as shiny. (Hee, one of the early episodes is called "Bad News Blair.")

In other geek news, I've been using my (interminable) convalescent period to rip my DVDs to my iMac, and I totally just ran out of room on the hard drive, and I am not even anywhere near halfway done. I've only just begun the Cs in movies, and the tv shows I haven't been doing in any particular order (for shame!), but they're not halfway done either. I do have a shiny external hard drive that I've only been using to back up my non-media files, so I'll start copying new media files there, but I think I'll run out of room on that long before the halfway point, too. I should have gotten the 500GB iMac, but that shit is expensive, yo.

Anyway, I wanted to do this because of Apple's Front Row application that lets you access your media library with a remote control, so I could just lie in bed and watch whatever movie or tv show I wanted without having to get up and put in a DVD. I know that sounds like the epitome of sloth (and perhaps it is), but something about having your entire media library instantly accessible is just so appealing. Then! I could invest in an AppleTV, and I could watch all my movies on the big widescreen tv without having to bother to go downstairs and get the DVD. It would be super awesome for something like a Pirates or Harry Potter marathon. Or, like, a Gossip Girl or Top Model or Futurama marathon.

The only thing I don't like about Front Row is that you can't make video playlists, so you can't just watch all the episodes of one season of a tv show without individually selecting each episode. It's a small thing, I suppose, but it's kind of annoying when the episodes are half-hour ones.

Oh! The other thing about Front Row that bugs the crap out of me is that it doesn't order tv shows by season, or episodes by number. It orders them by how recently you added them to your library. Why doesn't it just mimic the iTunes library? Everything in there is anal-retentively arranged. Because that's how I roll.

The first week of mono, I went on a book reading tear, by which I mean I read two books in one week, but ever since then I've read like 40 pages of Memoirs of a Geisha. I'm so tired, y'all. Too tired to read. And that is a bad sign.

If you must insist on the comparison

You know, maybe Tina Fey could enlighten Sarah Palin as to what it is the Vice President of the United States of America does. There was this one "Update" when she was talking about Al Gore (so it was one of her first ones ever), and she said something like, "What most people don't know is that he's also the President of the Senate, so he sits up there on a throne with a lion," and maybe there was something else, but I forget, and it made me laugh so, so hard.

I used to have all the Jimmy and Tina "Update"s on my computer, but then it died, and I never recovered them, and that was a very sad day in my life, because the website that provided them totally doesn't have them up anymore. And! I can't even find a transcript of it, so...maybe I'm making it all up!

Your decision. Choose wisely.