Spoiler alert! (Stay back)

Seriously, beasts, if you haven't finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows yet, don't read this. Don't do it.

Oh, I could say a million things about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows probably, but trouble is, it’s all murked over by this: Fred Weasley is dead. I was not so naïve as to expect that all nine Weasleys would survive the war, but seriously? Killing Fred was a low blow, Jo. (Sorry, can’t resist rhyming.) Once that happened, I had to read the book through a mist of tears. And then there was snot. Killing Fred was only half a step away from killing Ron or Ginny. How is poor George going to carry on? That’s like splitting his soul in two, killing his twin. She could have killed either of the Weasley parents or Bill or Percy—or Charlie, who only came home to get a haircut, apparently. What the fuck? I imagine J.K. was kind of sorry she’d invented another Weasley brother, because she couldn’t figure out anything for him to do, but still. He could have at least shown up somewhere before everyone came pouring into Hogwarts from the Hog’s Head.

Okay, so I bawled like a baby, too, when Percy showed up and finally admitted he’d been wrong. What? I was already emotional. I was so scared she was going to kill McGonagall. Or Neville.

Also! I just forgot about this till this moment, but Oliver Wood came back! To fight evil! And he’s been gone for three books! Yay, Oliver.

How cruel, the killing of Hedwig. Was that really necessary? WAS IT?

What was Dumbledore’s last? I kind of feel bad for Petunia now. She wanted to be special like her younger sister, and the fact that she wasn’t turned her sour. BUT WHAT DID DUMBLEDORE SAY TO HER? Grrr.

I spent a lot of the book figuring out things before Harry and Hermione even came close. For instance, as soon as they found out Grindelwald had stolen the Elder Wand, I knew that Dumbledore had to have it, since he dueled and defeated Grindelwald most famously. It took Harry eight years to figure that out. I can’t remember what else I figured out first (dead Fred), but I mean. It was kind of easy.

Who raised Teddy Lupin? And thanks, fifth movie, for making me like Tonks again, just in time for her to die stupidly. Well, I imagine Andromeda raised him.

The epilogue was adorable, and when I saw that Harry had named his younger son after Snape, whom he had so strongly hated, but who had done everything to protect him, I cried again.

Also, I knew the whole entire time the exact scenario of Dumbledore’s death. Obviously, the curse that had killed his hand was killing him, and he asked Snape to kill him to prevent Draco Malfoy from doing so, because he was going to die anyway—he’d had his time to make peace with that. I told Melissa this last week. I never believed Snape was evil. Never. But I did think he was petty and childish. Still, he was pretty much the bravest character in the series, wasn’t he? Do you think Harry could have killed Dumbledore? I don’t. Also, the part that clinched the “Snape is not evil” thing is when he punished Ginny, Luna, and Neville for trying to steal Gryffindor’s sword by giving them detention with Hagrid. Evil Snape would have strung them up in the dungeons, like the Carrows were doing.

And. Once I knew that Harry would go willingly to his death, it became obvious that he was not going to die. I was pretty sure she’d never kill him, but I mean, really. When you sacrifice yourself for the good of the entire world, you always get to come back. Right, Jesus?

I hate that Harry became an accidental horcrux or whatever, but I guess that’s why he got to die but then come back to life. Because Voldemort only killed a part of his own soul when Harry gave himself up.

Interesting that Draco didn’t give up Harry and Hermione when they got taken to the Malfoys’. And then Harry saved his life. Harry’s so good and pure and true. Barf.

Ron’s desertion made me really nervous. Thank god Dumbledore knew what he was doing.

Seriously, y’all. I was so scared McGonagall was gonna bite it. Trelawney throwing crystal balls at the Death Eaters was awesome.

Percy has some job at Hogwarts, I guess? Broomstick regulations. I love that Neville took over for Professor Sprout. Oh! I also love Neville’s badass grandma.

Good on Molly for dueling (and killing) Bellatrix Lestrange.

Think there’s a little something developing between Dean and Luna? Cute.

Good guys who died:
Hedwig
Mad-Eye
Dobby
Ted Tonks (and that other guy he was with)
Fred
Lupin
Tonks
COLIN CREEVEY

What the fuck? That was cruel, too, killing poor little Colin Creevey.

So Melissa told me that when J.K. was writing the book, she wept while she killed one of the characters. It had to be Dobby, right? Or Fred. Did other people die and I just wasn’t paying attention? Because that’s a really low death count. Oh, fuck. Snape. Remember Snape? Yeah. He died. Sheesh. Do you think she wept when she killed Snape? He doesn’t engender that much sympathy. Although, she knew what he’d done the whole time, while the rest of us had to learn of it after he died. I was convinced it was Hagrid, and I was really sad about that.

Oh, and when the centaurs and the House Elves joined the fight, renewed tears. I don’t know why! It was just all very emotional—that these creatures who’d been debased by wizards, but whom Harry had always treated well—were willing to fight and die for him, for his wizards.

I had some nits to pick, but I can’t fucking remember what they are. Something dumb, no doubt.

I liked the return of Hermione’s blue flames that can be kept in a jar. Good throwback.

Obviously, I was bawling when Harry used the Resurrection Stone to talk to the adults who loved him. That's the part that got me going in Goblet of Fire, when James and Lily tell him to be brave and fight off Voldemort for him, and oh, god. Dead parents! Never not sad! Poor Teddy.

Is Teddy a werewolf? Well...we could look at lycanthropy as a disease and not a genetic mutation, so it wouldn't get passed down to successive generations. And also, according to Tonks, "metamorphmagi are really rare," so how come her son is one? You apparently don't have entire families of metamorphmagi. I got the impression they were sports. You know? Whatever. It's cute, Teddy with his blue hair. There! That was a nit, and now I have picked it.

Here's my fave bit from a review so far: "I have NO idea how they are going to turn this book into a movie that is less than 3 hours long and in my head I could almost imagine whoever ends up being the director of this movie yelling at Rowling, 'You're throwing a chapter of flashbacks into the middle of the final battle sequence?! How in the hell are we supposed to handle THAT?!' I don't know dude or dudette - may the force be with you on that one." --from the Caffeinated Librarian

The woman does have some serious pacing problems; I've been getting bogged down in the middle of these bad boys since Goblet of Fire, but eventually, it all turns out to be worth it. Thanks for writing, Jo. Thanks for getting people excited about books. It was amazing to see how many people were standing in the parking lot of Barnes and Noble on Friday night, waiting for a book. For getting people excited to read, even if they don't go on to other books after this, Rowling deserves all the accolades and all the millions. Yes, I believe there are better books, but I love these desperately, and I'm glad half the planet does, as well.

Now! A special edition of what you should read next to fill the Potter void:
His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein
The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
A Wrinkle in Time and its four companions by Madeleine L'Engle
Redwall and its millions of sequels/prequels/etc. by Brian Jacques
The Eyre Affair and its sequels by Jasper Fforde
Mary Poppins and its sequels by P.L. Travers
Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie--trust me. This is classic British literature for children. Just try not to think of Michael Jackson.

I hear Susan Cooper's The Dark Is Rising is good, but I didn't like whichever one of those I read (The Grey King, I think), but it was in the middle of the series, so maybe I should hold off judgment. And Lloyd Alexander's Chronicles of Pyrdain keep getting recommended, and since I only read the last one, I can't judge those either. Ursula K. Leguin has apparently written a pretty compelling fantasy series, but I haven't read those either. That list up there, those are my go-tos. And I haven't even finished His Dark Materials, but the first book (The Golden Compass) was so good.

Okay, so maybe I did have a million things to say, but there are probably a million more. Let me just end with this: RIP, Fred.