Shortest fuse

My 10 favorite Kelly Clarkson songs:
10. Beautiful Disaster
9. Long Shot
8. I Do Not Hook Up
7. Don't Waste Your Time
6. Maybe
5. Be Still
4. Chivas
3. Since U Been Gone
2. I Want You
1. Addicted

My favorite song she's ever sung, ever, though? The minute and a half of "Stuff Like That There" on her season of Idol. Still gives me shivers.

I don't even watch Idol anymore, but I read the Television Without Pity recaps, because Jacob Clifton writes them, and I think he is a recapping genius. The first thing I read of his was a Mondo Extra recap of the disastrous movie version of A Wrinkle in Time, and I've been in love ever since. So I am aware of what's going down on Idol, but actually dealing with it, with Ryan and Paula and the guy with the dead wife and the blind kid? I don't have the energy.

However, I do occasionally think about how fucking huge the show has gotten compared to the ghetto-tastic first season, where they auditioned for the top ten with only one plinky piano to back them up, and where they only had live musicians for the top six performance show. And I daydream sometimes about what it would have been like to hear and watch Kelly and, like, Tamyra Gray interact with a live band. I mean, the big band episode was the pinnacle of that season, and for the rest of the episodes, the contestants had to sing with canned music and backup vocals, which was the fucking worst.

Around season three, people started saying, "No fucking way Kelly Clarkson would have even made the top 36 this year," which infuriated me, because Kelly Clarkson is the best contestant the show has ever had and certainly the most successful winner, but now I wonder if those idiots may have been right, because she barely made the top 30 in her own season, when far fewer people even auditioned, because the judges were too dumb to pick up on her talent until America noticed her for them. Good work, America.

I don't know, I think the show has tried to get more interesting after the disaster that was Taylor Hicks, ostensibly giving the contestants more creative control over the songs they perform, but I just haven't seen anyone with Kelly Clarkson's talent, showmanship, and broad appeal. Which is really what this dumb show is about--broad appeal.

Also, I actually watched an episode on Tuesday, and it was awful. The judges are even worse than I remember--even Simon was not impressing me. Paula was a fuckin' hot mess, but not even in the fun way anymore. I mean, I like knowing what's going on, but I just cannot watch this disasterpiece theater. Give me some more stuff like that there.

Tempering my crazy

Kelly Clarkson songs I can't stand:
"Breakaway"
"Because of You"
"If No One Will Listen"

And "A Moment Like This" and "Before Your Love," of course, but those weren't her fault. I almost hate "Miss Independent," but she loves performing it live, and that has saved it.

There. I am that objective when it comes to Kelly Clarkson. Ahem.

Hard-hitting interviews on Entertainment Tonight

"Just because I'm single and don't date a lot, that doesn't make me a lesbian."

Well, duh, Kelly. That's not what makes you a lesbian.

Teenage music critic

Ohhh, tater tots, let's talk about Kelly Clarkson's new album. Obviously, it's been leaked for at least a week (I am always the last person to find out about that), but I am dumb and always wait for the official release date. Basically so I can put the music on my iPod without even thinking about it. But anyway, Kelly!
My theory is that this will appease the people who thought My December sucked, as it's more of a return to "Since U Been Gone" form, which is what everyone's been saying, I know, but it's true. Not to say that this album is in any way Breakaway, redux (it's much better), but it's much more in that vein than My December for sure. As for me, I'm taking the sure-to-be unpopular stance and declaring it not as good as My December. Nevertheless, I already love it fiercely.

I've already been obsessed with "My Life Would Suck Without You" and how adorable she looks in the video, so we'll skip that, and I'll just talk about some standouts.

First! "I Do Not Hook Up" is fun, but it sounds like a song I've already heard, and of course I can't fucking figure out what song or even when I might have heard it (recently? in elementary school? who knows). Also, there's this line: "I fall deeply," which, um, I heard as "I fuck deeply" while I was brushing my teeth this morning, and oh. It made me laugh and laugh and laugh.

2. "Already Gone" severely bummed me out, but I think it's my favorite song, which is odd, because I hate things that make me sad. Also, being laid low by a pop song? Embarrassing. If it weren't Kelly, though, with that voice, I'd never listen to it again.

C. "Whyyawannabringmedown" is my other favorite, because it's all...wail-y and stuff. And she reminded me of Tia Carrere wailing "Ballroom Blitz" in Wayne's World so forcefully that I loved it before I'd even heard the whole thing. Like, seriously. I'm sure no one else will draw this parallel (and if anyone does, I'll ask her to marry me), but it made me so happy. Also, it features the line "I'm not your love monkey," which makes me laugh every time. I love songs that are silly by accident.

IV. The other song I love is "I Want You," which is kind of a '60s doo-wop thing that seems to be popular these days, and it kind of comes across as taking advantage of that trend, because the rest of the album is pretty pop-rockish, but I don't care. It's adorable.

Anyway, the album is nothing less than I expected, but I was trying to think if I'd like any of these songs if Kelly weren't singing them. I really don't know, maybe "My Life Would Suck Without You" and "Whyyawannabringmedown" (except the wailing is crucial to that one, and so few bitches out there can really wail), but I do know this: Kelly's voice is what makes them worth listening to for me, and it's why I will pre-order every album she releases. Even if she actually does dive off the deep-end and put out a country album. Erp.

Unintelligible squealing

If I were ranking my imaginary girlfriends again, Kelly Clarkson would once again be at the top. I can't believe I almost kicked her off. She is the loveliest woman on the planet, and she sings, and I LOVE her. Last night, I watched the video for "My Life Would Suck Without You," which is just so...cute!

Oh my god, and then, internet, I actually wrote a review of the single for iTunes, just cuz. I don't write reviews of things! At least not anywhere other than here! It was an unintelligible bunch of baloney, but I really wanted to give the song five stars, and then they had this whole box for words, and I like words, so I wrote some. (Also, iTunes has a list of helpful suggestions for review writing, and one of them is "Take the time to copy edit your work so that you avoid embarrassing typos or grammatical errors." I LOVE YOU iTunes.)

Also, there's this brief part in the video where she's wearing a man shirt and boxers as, like, pjs, and oh man. So cute. I have to find her and pledge my love.

(I included both of these screen grabs cuz I couldn't decide which was better. Deal with it.)

I don't know. I can't take it. I love her so bad, and apparently her album is coming out on March 10 now instead of March 17, which, yay! But that's still too far away. I would like it now. And I would like iTunes to sell it with bonus tracks if you pre-order it like they did with the last one. Chip chop chip, iTunes.

Genius experiments

So. I downloaded iTunes 8 because I really, really, really wanted to see how good this Genius feature was going to be, and I made 3 quick playlists based on 3 of my favorite songs these days.

The first one is based on the iTunes Live Sessions version of Tegan and Sara's "Back in Your Head":
1. Back in Your Head - Tegan and Sara
2. Portions for Foxes - Rilo Kiley
3. The Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie
4. Be Be Your Love - Rachael Yamagata
5. Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson
6. Satellite - Guster
7. I Know I Know I Know - Tegan and Sara
8. 12:51 - The Strokes
9. Bottle It Up - Sara Bareilles
10. If She Wants Me - Belle & Sebastian
11. On the Radio - Regina Spektor
12. The Story - Brandi Carlile
13. Everything I'm Not - The Veronicas
14. Catch My Disease - Ben Lee
15. Crooked Teeth - Death Cab for Cutie
16. Brick - Ben Folds Five
17. Four Winds - Bright Eyes
18. Taper Jean Girl - Kings of Leon
19. Nineteen - Tegan and Sara
20. Silver Lining - Rilo Kiley
21. Phantom Limb - The Shins
22. Anyone Else But You - The Moldy Peaches
23. Us - Regina Spektor
24. Goodnight Goodnight - Hot Hot Heat
25. Fluorescent Adolescent - Arctic Monkeys

This one's based on "Downpour":
1. Downpour - Brandi Carlile
2. You Don't Make It Easy, Babe - Josh Ritter
3. Get Out the Map - Indigo Girls
4. Slung-Lo - Erin McKeown
5. Gravity - Sara Bareilles
6. Tried to Be True - Indigo Girls & Brandi Carlile
7. Airline to Heaven - Wilco
8. Sunny Came Home - Shawn Colvin
9. Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson
10. Welcome Me - Indigo Girls
11. See the World - Gomez
12. Hallelujah - Brandi Carlile
13. Madly - Tristan Prettyman
14. Song Beneath the Song - Maria Taylor
15. Life Less Ordinary - Carbon Leaf
16. Language or the Kiss - Indigo Girls
17. Golden Age of Radio - Josh Ritter
18. Not As We - Alanis Morissette
19. What Light - Wilco
20. Gotta Serve Somebody - Bob Dylan
21. The Facts about Jimmy - Shawn Colvin
22. When the Stars Go Blue - Ryan Adams
23. The Story - Brandi Carlile
24. Across the Universe - Rufus Wainwright
25. Southland in the Springtime - Indigo Girls

And this final one, just so I could embarrass myself some more on the internet, is based on "Since U Been Gone":
1. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
2. Everything I'm Not - The Veronicas
3. You and I Both - Jason Mraz
4. Hero - Mariah Carey
5. As Lovers Go - Dashboard Confessional
6. Wreck of the Day - Anna Nalick
7. Ironic - Alanis Morissette
8. Samson - Regina Spektor
9. Addicted - Kelly Clarkson
10. You Had Me - Joss Stone
11. Comfortable - John Mayer
12. Love and Memories - O.A.R.
13. The Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie
14. This Year's Love - David Gray
15. Say You'll Be There - Spice Girls
16. Amazing - Josh Kelley
17. 4Ever - The Veronicas
18. You Thought Wrong - Kelly Clarkson & Tamyra Gray
19. Look After You - The Fray
20. You Found Me - Kelly Clarkson
21. Always Be My Baby - Mariah Carey
22. My Prerogative - Britney Spears
23. Black Roses Red - Alana Grace
24. Only Hope - Mandy Moore
25. Why Can't I? - Liz Phair

On the whole, Genius does a decent job of pulling songs that do go rather well together, but it repeats artists more often than I would in the space of twenty-five songs, and... I don't know. I usually make playlists for driving, so I pay more attention to what I like to sing while I'm in the car than whether or not the songs flow or whatever. My playlists are fun, if not musically sophisticated.

Anyway, Genius is fun just for seeing which songs it matches together, but it will not take over playlist duty the next time I drive to Canada. Also, I just realized it's basically a fancified version of iTunes' old feature, Smart Shuffle or whatever the crap that was. Party Shuffle? Yeah. It's better than that, but still not better than me!

Imaginary girlfriend #2

Kelly Clarkson
I also almost kicked Kelly off the list for Sara Ramirez, but I could not bear to do it. She’s not the hottest girl on this list, and people make fun of me for my love for her all the time, but I think she’s beautiful, and I love to listen to her sing, and yes she’s blonde now, but whatever.

All I have to do is listen to her sing "Stuff Like That There" from the first season of American Idol, and the love returns full force.


Also, check out this totally dyke-tastic picture featured in last June's issue of Elle.
Come on! I lost my mind for that one, even if I didn't find her particularly attractive all done up that way. It was just so gay it was awesome.
Also, the girl pretended to be a Red Sox fan in Boston--I know that should enrage me, but...I found it so adorable. Even if she did wear the pink hat! So what! She's cute! I don't care! Marry me, Kelly!

Ahem.
I love her. Forever. And just because I totally love this picture, I'll go out with Kelly and Jenny McCarthy in a bathtub together:

A flimsy excuse for pretty girl pictures

Okay, so if Kelly Clarkson ever does something as hard for me to forgive as singing for the pope again, I have her replacement waiting in the wings:
Until five seconds ago, I forgot I even ever had a crush on Norah Jones in the first place, but I just saw the trailer for her movie, My Blueberry Nights, on iTunes, and hot damn. I find her to be enchantingly beautiful. And I really want to see this movie, but I’ll probably have to go to civilization to do so. Or wait till DVD.
The crush I had on her happened in 2002, I believe, so I was fresh out of high school and wobbly about the whole gay thing, and then it got overpowered by Kelly Clarkson and Tina Fey (and, er, Shakira—whatever, South American girls are beautiful), so I kind of just let it drop. But I have this concert DVD of hers that I bought at Newbury Comics for the Newbury Comics only price of $11.88 (why do I remember these things?), and I really want to watch it again.
Not only is she beautiful, but her voice is killer. It really is up there with Brandi Carlile’s and Kelly Clarkson’s for me, but her songs as a whole are not as attention-grabbing as those other two ladies’, so it always manages to slip my mind. But for real. I must stop forgetting.

I remember my freshman year of college, people were pissed when she took home the Grammy for album of the year over Bruce Springsteen. Like, I don’t really know what it was about her that made the Grammy committee people so fucking smitten, but awards mean nothing to me, anyway. I was just happy to see her on tv, bein’ pretty. Cuz she’s good at that. But this has led people to be “she’s overrated, what’s so great about her, how can you like her?” blahblahblaaaah. Whatever. I get made fun of for Kelly Clarkson all the time, so I don’t care.
Also! I found this picture a million years ago in some teen magazine of her kicking John Mayer’s ass. Literally. It was charming. I wish I could find it again.

Double bonus—she loves Muppets:
And wears glasses:
However. I have just discovered that Norah’s contribution to the film’s soundtrack is called “The Story,” and because this is the way my head is wired, there’s suddenly a competition.
Brandi wins. Goodnight.

Think twice

Okay, let’s talk about some things barely worth talking about. (Doesn’t that make you want to keep reading?) First of all, Idol Gives Back makes me want to hurl. Mostly because cheesy pop songs are never actually inspirational. Those clips they show of the judges visiting the impoverished areas the charities are supposed to help are totally emotionally manipulative, but they are also a hell of a lot more inspiring than “Angels” or “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” I don’t know—it’s all a big stunt, and the fact that ExxonMobil, which is like a direct cause of many of these problems, is a sponsor makes me get all frothy at the mouth and unable to see out of my left eye. But whatever! That’s not really the point of this story.

The point is this: since the big show is tonight, voting results are Thursday, which I think is what happened last year too. And last year they faked out those trembling childrens, going through the whole rigmarole, only to reveal that no one was going home after the big charity event. Which makes me think the exact same thing shall happen this year. But what if they kept the kids in suspense for a full extra 24 hours, probably thinking everyone would be safe after caring and giving night, and then Ryan sends Michael Johns home? That would be superb. Especially for the extra headfuck that would come from this scenario.

Really, I don’t know why I’m still watching this show. I’ve heard rumors that Kelly Clarkson is going to be on this crapstravaganza again this year, but I can find no confirmation on Idol’s site, but that means nothing, because they don’t even have Jordin Sparks listed as appearing, and she is in one of the video clips on the Idol Gives Back main page! Frickin’ Fox. But maybe I don’t care anyway, because I’ve hit a roadblock in my imaginary relationship with her: she’s singing for the pope whenever the hell his dip-shittiness is coming to New York, and if you hadn’t quite gathered, I fiercely dislike the pope. He’s the spiritual leader of millions of people worldwide, and he preaches bigotry and intolerance. He and Kelly have Jesus in common, and I hope that’s it, but I really wish someone who isn’t even Catholic wouldn’t consider singing for this jerk an honor. I have many really intense issues with the Catholic church, and number one is it is a sexist institution. Women are not the equals of men in the church, and that is unacceptable. I could go on AT LENGTH about the other aspects of Catholicism that make me insane, but I’ll stop there, because it’s not worth it, getting myself all worked up over something that I clearly cannot change.

Girlcrushes through the years, part II

Now the girls get cute for real. It's serious, lesbos.

College:
Kelly Clarkson
As I may have already said, Kelly Clarkson made me supergay. When I fell for her, I pretty much stopped noticing guys altogether. (Thanks, Kelly!)

Tina Fey
The Tina Fey thing happened soon after the Kelly thing, freshman year, since I was the loser staying in on Saturday nights while everyone went out and got drunk in the boys’ dorms on Busch Light—or went to the scary clubs off Admiral. Anyway, Tina Fey is hot and smart, and she wears the nerd glasses. Gaaaaay. (As in me—I was so gay for her. Unfortunately, she’s not gay at all.)

Keira Knightley

The summer before sophomore year, I got hit with double the Keira—in Bend It Like Beckham and Pirates, and she was superhot in both. I’ve since become somewhat disenchanted, but if she’d eat something, I’d probably fall in love again.

Famke Janssen
Oh my god, Famke Janssen is so hot in the X-Men movies. She is undoubtedly the reason I own all three of them.

Jennifer Beals
Oh my god, when I first saw The L Word, I was mesmerized by Jennifer Beals. She’s the best (and hottest) fake lesbian ever.

Maggie Gyllenhaal
Her movies are usually for crap, but I liked Mona Lisa Smile a lot. And she’s pretty.

Jennifer Garner
I never watched Alias, but she’s so, so pretty—and her dimples were on full display in 13 Going on 30, which is probably why I fell for her.

Rachel McAdams
She was totally awesome in Mean Girls, obviously, but it wasn't until I saw Red Eye and Wedding Crashers that I started to have a crush on her.

Post-College-ish:

Lena Headey
This one was serious, the summer after I graduated (I think). Naturally, I first saw her in a lesbian movie, and then I watched everything of hers I could get my hands on. (She’s played gay-ish in two other films!) However, the crush has waned, as I couldn’t even watch more than fifteen minutes of The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Brandi Carlile
Some time last year, I became totally and utterly and ridiculously obsessed, because this girl is the prettiest girl ever, and she’s the only effing lesbian on this list. The obsession has cooled a bit—I think only because it’s been so long since I’ve seen her live.

Zooey Deschanel
I vaguely recall finding her cute in Almost Famous, but it was her small role in Bridge to Terabithia that got the tiny crush going.

Sara Ramirez
None of the ladies of Grey’s Anatomy is unattractive in the least, but Sara Ramirez is so goddamn hot. If only Grey’s wasn’t so retarded these days.

Rose Rollins
I only realized that Rose Rollins was so smokin’ hot in the latter half of this season of The L Word—just in time for her relationship with Alice to totally fall apart!—but goodness. She’s beautiful.

Keri Russell
I only rarely watched Felicity, and I never even really liked Felicity herself, but I just recently saw two movies with Keri Russell: The Waitress and August Rush, and oh, she is so pretty.

This is totally not a comprehensive list, but I did what I could. And I'm sure tomorrow I'll have five new girls I'm drooling over.

In a world by myself

I do not like Simon Cowell saying this Irish girl is the new Kelly Clarkson. I mean, we all know how I feel about Kelly Clarkson, but this Irish girl isn’t even memorable—and Simon Cowell is usually right about everything. Super early on in season 4, he told Carrie Underwood that she’d be the most successful Idol ever, which may in fact be true, since Kelly has shot herself in the foot with My December. Anyway, back to Carly: it’s not like she’s bad—she’s just not interesting. Like Michelle Branch or Vanessa Carlton or Katherine McPhee—or, really, any of the other girls who’ve been on American Idol except for Tamyra and Melinda—and the bad ones, of course. But what really got me was that, after he told her she’s like Kelly, he totally forgot her name. Which, um, he totally didn’t know Kelly’s name until the first top ten performance. When she got selected after Justin, Simon said something to Brian and Ryan about getting a lot of calls about “this girl” the night before, and Ryan (bless his heart, for once) went, “Her name is Kelly,” and even better, she chimed in herself: “My name is Kelly!” I don’t know why I felt the need to relate that story, but… Apparently, it bodes well if Simon can’t remember your name? Plus, Kelly was really cute about it, all indignant, but laughing—and also crying because she really didn’t expect to make it, I don’t think.

American Idol was also hideous last night because…well, I don’t think I’ve gone on at length anywhere how I feel about Beatles covers, but I think you probably know the gist, which is this: generally, when people mess with the Beatles, I get feral. The exceptions to this rule are as follows: Kelly Clarkson, Brandi Carlile, most of the cast of Across the Universe (except Bono), and a few of the people on the I Am Sam soundtrack. Oh, and Fiona Apple, whose cover of “Across the Universe” is awesome. And not one of the people on this show this season even comes close to the level of awesomeness exhibited by Kelly, Brandi, Fiona, or even Evan Rachel Wood, who is not a professional singer. Giving American Idol the rights to the Beatles’ catalog was the dumbest thing that ever happened, except it allowed Kelly Clarkson to totally kill “Sergeant Pepper’s,” so… Worth it? Almost. If “Eight Days a Week” hadn’t been hideously countrified by…whoever that girl is, I’d say Kelly made last night’s show worth it, because that performance killed me! She should have done that entire medley herself. Anyway, don’t countrify The Beatles. I will come after you. Which means I should really find out that girl’s name, so I can, um, go after her like I just threatened.

Okay, I do appreciate that Carly peed her pants when Simon made the KC connection, but… He’s wrong. This time. Do you think she would have if he’d compared her to Carrie or Jordin? Those comparisons would be even less apt just because of Carly’s style of singing, but… Getting favorably compared to Kelly Clarkson is a big fucking deal, bitches. Especially when it comes from Simon, because, once he found himself able to remember her, he loved her.

Brooke White, you’re making yourself cry a little early on in the game, I think. Jordin waited until, like, the third week at least. She’s definitely the best singer there, though. But again—I am not interested in her. Kelly Clarkson, whatever you think of her, really, at least has a personality—and a personality I find charming: on the show, she was dorky, nervous in interviews, but confident when performing, gracious, and just utterly adorable. Plus, people, watch this video, and if you’re not converted, I’ll give you a dollar:



The Ditty Bops’ new album is totally bangarang. I bought it yesterday, because it was new music Tuesday, even though the album actually came out, like, a month ago, but I have fallen way behind on my new music. Anyway, I do love the lesbian duos. Except for those Canadian twins. Are both of them gay? That just seems so weird to me. Although, I guess maybe it’ll help lend credence to the fact that gayness is genetic, that gay twins exist.

What is this, a skittle?

Oh my god, winter coats can be so warm! It was frigid outside today, and I didn't even feel it except in my face. I totally forgot. My coat, military-inspired though it may be, is super awesome. So much better than a zippered hoodie. And, you know, as much as I hate the idea of a standing army/navy/whatever, I kind of have a thing for girls in uniform. Not slutty Catholic school uniforms--I'm not a perv, and I went to Catholic school, so. Not impressed. Anyway, there's the one girl in that "the few, the proud, the Marines" commercial, and I kind of have a crush on her. And then there was this lady cop evacuating Liberty Island when we were there this summer, and I was like, "Oh. I like her," and my roommates were like, "Oh, Christ, let's go already, you big lez." (Total paraphrasing, because the good little Catholic girls don't say "oh, Christ," and it's one of my favorite interjections, especially when I'm around them. I'm an insensitive asshole, what can I say? Was that redundant? "Insensitive asshole"?)

I'm so sad since you went away.

Ugh, so I watched, like, ten minutes of American Idol yesterday, and it was so ugly. Then Liz demanded that I meet her for drinks, so I did. That was way better than the rest of American Idol. And apparently Jess is already in love with some guy who auditioned last night. I liked it better when she was in love with Hot Pants Scarnato.

Oh! The funny thing Jillian did last week was make fun of Kit Pistol! I can't remember how Kit reacted to that; I hope she wasn't all rankled. Then I would have to love her less. Runway is on toniiiiiiight, and I don't have to woooork. The less fabulous Cashmere Mafia is on tonight, too, but I still want to know what's up with Caitlin, the maybe-lesbian. I don't get Showtime, okay? This is all I get for gay girls on tv. There are never any lesbians on Project Runway. Or American Idol.

Do you say something in your comedy that Clay might be gay?

Seriously, Kelly Clarkson--no wait. Nikki McKibbin was the gayest girl on that show, but she had a kid, so... Not totally gay. I don't actually think Kelly's a lesbian, but she is a little bit gay: terrible luck with men, girlcrush on Angelina, some kind of thing for Melissa Etheridge, loves The Story... Oh! And in that video where Kelly says she's been listening to Brandi, she also says she thinks Sarah Silverman is hilarious, which is something I would not have expected from her. Kelly Clarkson is cooler than even I thought. Sarah Silverman is hilarious but also horrifying, so I go back and forth on her.

And by "Jap," I mean "Japanese."

I miss Mike. We hung out Friday night, but that's not enough. What are we doing with our lives?

I keep meaning to go to the library to get Stardust (movies at the library are free!), but it's all downtown and stuff, and when I leave work, I just want to go right home. For someone who loves books so effin' much, I probably haven't been to the library enough. I think the last time I was there was 2005, when I was reading all the Newbery-award winners. But that's because I compulsively buy books. Going to the library would be rather cheaper...

Mike Huckabee continues to horrify me. The Constitution of the United States of America should have absolutely nothing to do with what one person believes is God's word or whatever. Okay, I know there are terrifying numbers of people who agree with Mike Huckabee's beliefs about God, but those beliefs have no place in government. The right to a safe abortion cannot be denied based upon religious beliefs. Homosexuals cannot be denied the same rights as heterosexuals because somebody's stupid religion says homosexuality is a sin. They cannot be denied rights for any reason other than the reasons that heterosexuals are denied rights (committing crimes). But that's what Mike Huckabee wants to do: to amend the Constitution to take away a woman's reproductive rights and to deny gay people even the possibility of enjoying the same rights and privileges as straight people, because he thinks that's what God wants. The laws of men have nothing to do with the alleged laws of an alleged god, because in this country, everyone can believe something different about God. If Mike Huckabee even wins the nomination, we will become even closer to becoming a theocracy.

And I will move to Canada. Allison, start looking for a two-bedroom, huh?

Sorry for that awkward political rant, but ugh. This guy makes me sick to be an American.

Let's talk about girls, shall we? Except I kind of have nothing new to report. Brandi and the Indigo Girls still aren't coming to New England--neither are Kelly Clarkson and Reba McEntire, for that matter--and 30 Rock is done until the writers' strike is resolved. How much does this thing suck? Not for me or you, but for the writers, who all really, really just want to go back to work. Of course it sucks for us, too, but I am trying to think about someone other than myself for once. You know? I heard it was good for the soul. Fortunately, I have "Midnight Train to Georgia" to sustain me until Tina Fey returns to her rightful place on network television.

It was an 11:45, and I was misinformed about the time.

I haven't seen a show since Kelly at the Orpheum, and I need a concert to attend. No one I like is touring. Bah.

Vested

I was called to revisit that post where I displayed pictures of Brandi and Kelly in Red Sox hats this morning, so now I feel compelled to post pictures of them both wearing black vests:

I'm not even going to ask who looks better, because it's clearly Brandi once again. I just...have no ammunition for blogging today, and sometimes I just like to put pictures of pretty girls up on the internet. Even though both of these are already on my flickr page. Whatever.

All I need now is Tina Fey in a black vest. Not that I really want to see that. It would just complete my collection. Tina Fey in a Red Sox hat would be better. Actually... I am pretty sure Liz Lemon wore a black vest in that episode when she was "dating" Gretchen Thomas. Yeah, because she walked into Jack's office the morning after her blind date, and I was like, "Cripes. She's dressed like Brandi Carlile." Buttoned shirt, black vest, black pants, black Chuck Taylor-ish shoes:
"Those shoes are definitely bicurious."

Flotsam, jetsam, and White Stripes videos

Okay, so I've been DVR-ing America's Next Top Model, and I just now got around to watching it, and I am just amazed that the dumbest girl on the show, Mila, is the first and only reality television show participant to use the word literally correctly. She did, too, saying the contestants, who were on a cruise ship, were all "in the same boat--literally." True dat, motherfucker.

Hurrah for Dustin Pedroia, too, y'all. I knew he'd be AL rookie of the year. If Theo lets Lowell get away, at least I still have Dustin and Josh, right? That doesn't mean I won't cry. Also, I really wonder what will happen if, for some reason, Theo buys A-Rod, because it appears that all of Red Sox Nation hates that guy. It would never work, bringing him to Boston; he'd never be part of the team--and if Boston fans hate you, and you're on their team, you're not going to be having any fun. And I'm not going to be having any fun. If Lowell gets away, we'd best end up with Tejada or Cabrera or anyone who is not Alex Rodriguez. Who's playing third base in Pawtucket? Bring his ass up. (I love to say "Pawtucket," but it is not a lovely place. Though I do miss driving through it for three seconds on the way back to Providence. Oh, Rhode Island, I do miss you.)

Sigh. You know, when Trot Nixon left, I was sad, because I loved him, but he was kind of crapping out. Mike Lowell is good! Keep him for four fucking years! Why is that so difficult? Stupid money. It ruins everything.

Speaking of which, I've decided that one day I am going to buy a Mac Book instead of an iMac, but I don't really have $1300 to drop on a computer I don't technically need, since the Dell still works. Oh my god, I've had that thing for three years now. That's the longest I've owned any piece of fancy technological equipment. But I really like Macs now. I used to hate them with the fire of a thousand and seven suns, but now they're all pretty and fast and easy to use. PCs are still easy to use, and I still know more about manipulating Windows than I do about OS X, but so many things can go wrong with Windows that I've never encountered on a Mac. Plus, Vista blows goats, yo, and Leopard may not be as amazing as Steve Jobs wants you to think it is, but still better than Vista. I wonder if we'll get to upgrade to Leopard at work. I hope so.

Do you know what I hate? Vh1. It manages to play music videos more often than MTV does, but it plays the same four videos over and over and over: that stupid Maroon 5 video where Adam Levine kills a guy or whatever (I hate Maroon 5--I only saw them that one time at Lupo's because they were touring with Jason Mraz, and Jason played first that night, and somehow (aka because of construction on 95 South) we missed it), that Colbie Caillat video, whatever Fergie's new monstrosity is (at least it isn't "Big Girls Don't Cry" anymore), and some Fallout Boy (?) video. Would it kill them to incorporate a little variety? Also, could they not show that Maroon 5 video once an hour? Christ. Though I did see Regina Spektor's video for "Better" this morning (or yesterday morning...), and I love it. But, really, what bogusity. Or bogusness, if you prefer. There are a bazillion music videos to choose from, and they have maybe twelve in their rotation.

Speaking of music videos, I have two favorites of all times: one is the White Stripes' video for "Fell in Love with a Girl," because it's made out of Legos:

And two is Kelly's video for "Since U Been Gone," because she has really pretty (fake) hair in it. And she's dressed like a boy in the parts where she's destroying her ex's apartment.

Y'all, don't eat Mexican food in New England. Even if it's allegedly prepared by actual Mexicans. There's no such thing as good Mexican food outside of Mexico or the Southwest. (I imagine--I've never been to Mexico, but I have been to the Southwest.) Which means I simply must go back to Texas, because I have a wicked hankering for some enchiladas and a good chile relleno, which is, like, the most impossible thing to find here. The restaurants up here ostensibly serve chile rellenos, but they're never delicious. Actually, I think I had the best chile relleno ever in New Mexico, so perhaps I should go back there, too. And then I should go to Old Mexico, because that's where all the deliciousness came from in the first place. But it's easier to go to Texas if you don't have a passport. Also, I miss my sweet potato like it's nobody's business. And his mama makes some pretty good enchiladas.

Um, yeah?

Aw, Mike Lowell, I am sorry I left you for Dustin Pedroia. But...I chose Dustin and I'm sticking with him. But you, my fine eyebrowed friend, are still awesome.

Not as fun last night, but a win is a win, is it not? And you know, as much as I kind of want the Red Sox to lose at least two, so they can win the World Series at home, I've decided maybe it is better if they win it in Denver. I mean, in 2004, it was complete pandelirium in Boston. Can you imagine the insanity if Fenway was full? I'll pass. I'm pretty sure the insanity will hardly be any less even though there's no curse to break this year. Boston fans are nuts.

So I've discovered that a few people have come to this here blog by searching "brandi carlile" and "lesbian," which are three words that appear frequently in my ramblings, and I just find it hilarious. Are you people looking for confirmation that Brandi's a lez? Well, get away from me; I don't know her. I did write that stupid entry about the vest in which I speculated, but that was harmless--or meant to be harmless anyway. It doesn't matter who Brandi's into, hear? Whoever it is, it's not me, and that's the part that's sad. Ahem. (That was a joke, too. Just so we're clear.) Also, I wanna thank and apologize to gocolts99, whose comment I unceremoniously deleted, because I started freaking out about strangers actually reading the dumb shit I write. I'm not used to anyone actually reading my internet ramblings--but if I didn't want anyone to read them, why are they on the internet? Yeah, I don't know. I'm having some troubles with this. Anyway, thanks, gocolts, for confirming that "Turpentine" was indeed for her brother.

I hate censoring myself--and other people--but this is weirding me out. Um, go Red Sox.

Well, speaking of the Red Sox (again), I decided, with the help of Brandi fan Kelly, that Brandi wins the Carlile/Clarkson fake Red Sox fan face-off. My decision was based partly on the opinion of one other person, partly on the fact that Brandi's hat is red, and Kelly's is pink. And I really just cannot abide pink Red Sox hats. We get it, Kelly, you're a girrrrrl. Good for you. But thanks for throwing your World Series support in, anyway. I don't have any problem with bandwagon fans, unless they're former mayors of New York City.

I wanna remember you just like this

Okay, I have, like, a million things to say about the Kelly Clarkson concert, and hopefully I can remember them all. Let's start with this: not as good as Brandi. But still quite entertaining. I mean, I should have known these two girls put on completely different shows, but I was just so used to, you know, the musicians just playin' their instruments and singing. Kelly Clarkson concerts are more of a spectacle, with backup singers and projector screens and all kinds of crazy lighting. And while that is quite enjoyable, I really do prefer the more minimalist approach to a show, and I really wish Kelly would do a tour where it's just her and her band, because her voice is awesome, and it kind of gets lost, sometimes, in all the extra craziness on stage. But anyway. Good times.

I went to the show fully expecting her to make me eat the words of my last blog, and she had me up until she brought in Jesus, in introducing "Up to the Mountain." I was so ruffled I even remember the exact words she said: "I grew up in church, so this is gonna be churchy--so don't be afraid of Jesus. Just let him in." And I was, like, "Oh. My. Fuck." Is that necessary? Leave Jesus out of it, lady. Like, okay, I have no problem if Jesus is your bag--truly--but stop, stop, stop trying to get other people to feel about Jesus the way you do. (This is not really directed at Kelly--what she said was pretty harmless, but it's just a thing that I can't stand.) I am actually kind of a fan of Jesus myself, but not in a "he's the key to your eternal salvation" way--in a "dude knew how to treat people way." But anyway, the show was so fun that I kind of got over it, but it rankled me for the whole song, which is actually quite a beautiful song, from Patty Griffin.

Okay, now that the bitching's out of the way, let's continue shall we? All of the things I wanted to happen at Brandi's Boston concert that didn't happened at Kelly Clarkson: standing throughout the show, crazy audience participation, and Boston Red Sox hat wearing. Oh yes. Kelly put on a pink one, backwards, for "Since U Been Gone." Adorable. And one of her backup singers wore the regular navy blue one. Also, she talked about the World Series at the beginning of her show, and apparently she sang the national anthem with Aerosmith (or she did "God Bless America" and Aerosmith did the national anthem?) for one of the games in 2004? How did I miss this? You know I was watching the World Series in 2004. Oh well. She said she totally became a Red Sox fan after that. I'm taking that with a mother-fucking grain of salt, but I think she said that she and her brother come out to games every once in a while. I could have hallucinated that, but whatever. Kelly knows how to pander to the Boston audiences, Brandi. Jon McLaughlin, her opener, did too--wearing a Sox t-shirt despite being from Indiana.

I was sitting behind this family with two adorable moppet boys, who couldn't have been older than six and four, and we were right in front of the stage, and it was loud, but the littler one fell asleep about halfway through. So cute. The audience was rather more diverse than the audiences at the shows I've been attending these days. I only saw two lesbians. But many more gay dudes--in couples or with herds of hags. There were also a lot of straight girls together in pairs, and they were the ones who went craziest for her. I don't get you, straight girls. And then there were moms and daughters, which was sweet. The mom in the row in front of me was totally digging the show, even more than her daughter. That made me smile.

Her bassist was awesome, tall and bald, so I couldn't help comparing him to Phil (Phil won), but he sang along with the choruses to "Behind These Hazel Eyes" and "Never Again" without a mic, and I realized that's fun even when it's not Brandi Carlile doing it. Also, he was kind of scary-looking. He looked a little bit like Voldemort. And he wore shoes. So of course Phil won.

The highlight for me, as usual, was "Addicted," which remains my favorite Kelly Clarkson song. I think it might actually be her favorite Kelly Clarkson song, too. She killed it, and the audience lost its collective mind. I did prefer the way she did it back in '05, though, when she just sang it a capella. Or at least the beginning of it was a capella. That was awesome.

Oh my god! I totally forgot the best part. After...some song--"Be Still"?--she disappeared behind the curtain and came back for "Miss Independent" wearing a black vest. Serious. It was cut girlier than Brandi's, and she just threw it on over the blue shirt she was already wearing, and she didn't button it or anything, but. Y'all. Black vest. What is that about? There's a picture I have of her, in profile, and with the vest, she looks kind of dykey. Something about vests just screams lesbian. Kelly, however, is not a lesbian. No matter how much I kind of wish she was.

Here's another thing that bugged at this concert: the crowd was too fucking loud. When she did just her simple songs, like "Be Still," people kept screaming and ruining it--making it hard to hear her voice. And, people, Kelly Clarkson is all about that voice. That is what makes her awesome. So shut up and listen to it! I am getting old and cranky!

So I was closer to the stage than I was at Brandi, and that kind of made me sad about Brandi, but I went to Vermont and remedied that, and anyway, I was close enough that I could pretend I could actually make eye contact with Kelly Clarkson, and just the illusion of that made me happy. (I still love her, y'all. In case you didn't pick up on that.)

Kelly is cute and sweet and goofy, and I fell in love with her again just watching her bounce around the stage and talk to the audience about how she was sweating like crazy, because once again, the Orpheum was fucking stifling. Not as bad as Brandi, but bad. I guess because it was still so warm outside? But it kind of feels like there's no fucking ventilation in the theater.

My other highlight, besides "Addicted" and the Red Sox hat, was that she actually performed "Chivas"--and told the story of how she wrote it, smashed, on bar napkins after running into someone she didn't want to see--on that night made infamous on youtube when she got drunk and decided to sing some Guns 'n Roses. And she just laughed about it, like, "Okay, we all do dumb shit when we're drunk." The audience loved it. I loved it. Because I love fun drunks. She actually said, "I was at this bar, and I was inebriated--that means drunk--" and everyone was already howling, because she was talking about drinking, but I just died that she had to explain the meaning of inebriated.

She opened the show with "One Minute," which is the only song on My December I don't like, but she was bouncin' around and having so much fun that I couldn't not love it. I also don't like "Because of You," mostly because it got played to death, but I sang along dutifully with the rest of the crowd, because Kelly eats that shit up. Also, when she was talking about the song, she mentioned how she got to re-record it with Reba McEntire, who is one of her "idols"--she said it with the air quotes--and then she supplied her own rimshot, and no one was really listening, because they were all going crazy in anticipation for the song or something, but I died laughing. Number one, because she's still hung up on being the American Idol (poor girl), and number two, she supplied her own rim shot for a lame joke. If you can even call it a joke. Adorable!

While we're talking about Kelly Clarkson songs I don't like, let me tell you about "Breakaway." First of all, that song title should be two words, because it is a two-part verb. Like "Walk Away." Second, I hate that song. I hate it like I hate "A Moment Like This." It's so lame. And cheesy. And even when she does it live, I kind of can't stand it. But I sang along anyway, because that is what you do at a Kelly Clarkson concert.

Her hair was short and blonde, which means that in those pictures where she has the long, wavy brown hair, she's wearing a weave (weeds), shoo. Blah. I don't like it when she's blonde. I much prefer pretty brunette Kelly Clarkson. But the length of her hair was cute. I approve of that. That was also why I didn't buy a tour t-shirt. In the pictures, it was so obvious her hair was fake, I wasn't feelin' it. Not worth the $35. She had a cute brown hooded sweatshirt that I would have bought had it not been $60. Sixty dollars! Brandi's was $35. Dammit, Kelly Clarkson, you're too famous.

So here's a thing I realized when I was driving home last night: my Kelly Clarkson obsession comes and goes in waves. Like, it was crazy after she won Idol, so crazy that I went to see From Justin to Kelly in the theater. Possibly more than once. Then it kind of waned until she put out Breakaway, and I couldn't stop listening to that for months, and then it kind of waned again until August '05 when Katy and I decided to go on up to Manchester and see if we could get tickets the night of the show. And we did! And the show was awesome! (I miss Katy.) Then I made my dad get me tickets to her summer of '06 show for a graduation present, and I got totally obsessed again, and the obsession didn't really abate until...um, I fell in love with Brandi Carlile. Which happened gradually, because it didn't happen right after her show in Boston, because I was still hyped up about Kelly's new album coming out in a month (I think?), and then it didn't happen right after the Hampton Beach show--it was happening before that--but it was after that that I decided I definitely liked her better than Kelly. So, anyway, I've decided that were it not for this crazy Brandi Carlile thing, I'd have fallen crazy in love with Kelly again after last night and been all, "I need to see her again immediately!" like I was after the other two concerts. Now that emotion is reserved for Ms. Carlile. She has most definitely earned it, because when I saw her again immediately after one concert, she was even better. Believe it.

Oh! I forgot the second best part. She was barefoot, like she always is, but I never love it any less.
Ahem, anyway, Kelly Clarkson pictures are up. Enjoy, beeyotches.

What's she gonna say?

Okay, I've been trying to resist the urge to do this all day, but I can't help it.

Who looks cuter pretending to be a Red Sox fan?

The girl from Washington?

Or the girl from Texas?

All right, internet, if you're out there, and you have an opinion hit me with it. I can't make up my mind.

Oh, ps, I didn't take that picture of Brandi. Some other beautiful human did. Thanks, beautiful human!

Leave me where I am

Do you want to know a dumb thing that I did? I did it right here on this blog, but I feel the need to call attention to it now. In the throes of fangirl geekdom, I proclaimed Kelly Clarkson's new record the best album of 2007, with apologies to the White Stripes (Icky Thump is good, people). Do you know which album of 2007 is better than both My December and Icky Thump combined? I'll let you guess. Take your time. I'll tell you if you're right tomorrow. Right now, I have to go feel like an idiot some more for completely forgetting that this album came out in 2007. Sigh.

Tell me an old story

Kelly Clarkson's at the Orpheum tonight, and I'm trying to get excited, but I'm kind of failing. Once again, I must say, "What the fuck, Brandi Carlile?" Seriously, she's ruined all other live performers for me. Also, she totally stole Kelly's place in my heart back in August--I think before I even saw her in Hampton Beach. So at that point, I'd only seen her live once--and Kelly twice--and she just bashed Kelly right off the first place pedestal of Emily's Imaginary Girlfriends. I think I'm kind of blech about this show because at least half of the audience is going to be eight-year-old girls. Out late on a school night! For shame, parents.

Now I'm kind of embarrassed that I, like, loved Kelly Clarkson so much because of the teeny bopper aspect. She's still got an amazing voice, and I still think she's quite beautiful, but at the end of the day, she is a pop star. But why is that bad? What is my problem? The girl puts on a good show, but after the American Idol concert, I'm just kind of cringing in anticipation of all the children flailing around the Orpheum. I have never seen children at the Orpheum. It will be weird. Also, oh my god, eight-year-old girls shriek like there's no tomorrow, and that shit will echo and reverberate all around the theater, and I will want to die. What was I thinking? Though, if I didn't have tickets, I'd be like, "Why didn't I get tickets? What is my problem? How can I miss Kelly Clarkson?"

Okay, so really, what is my problem? I know what my problem is, actually. Starts with b, ends with e, and is two words long.

So obviously, The Story is the album of the year, but at the time that I wrote that thing about My December's being album of the year, I still liked Kelly better than Brandi. Foolish. I'm mostly just mad I forgot about The Story in thinking of other good albums of 2007 that Kelly's could best. I was also all up in a twist, because everyone seemed to be panning Kelly's album, and I totally loved it. Best album to date from this girl. But not better than The Story. I mean, come on.

I'm so sad since you went away

Y'all! Thanks to the growth of my obsession (and those fine folks at againtoday.com), I have found a recording of Brandi's cover of "I've Just Seen a Face" in which she gets all the words right. All of 'em. Even the tenses--she says "is" instead of "were," just like Paul. And the quality is bangarang. It's kind of comforting to know I'm not the only Brandi spaz out there in the universe. Also, I think Mike likes her more than Jess does. I just don't get Jess... (Props to worldfalls.com for the Brandi bootlegs, too.)

Speaking of covers, she does this one of Ray LaMontagne's "Burn," which just totally slays me. The lyrics are kind of melodramatic and crazy, but she totally sells it, and it almost made me cry at the Y yesterday. (Whatever, I'm emotional sometimes, bitches.) Also, I think I can only listen to Ray LaMontagne's songs when a girl covers them. Miss Clarkson did a sweet cover of "Shelter" that I totally love. But I totally don't love him. At all.

God, I can't stop. I'm still high from last weekend. Or going through withdrawal. I can't decide. (I know those things are complete opposites, but shut up. My emotions are complex.)