Why I love Futurama

Recruitment officer: Sign here on the dotted line, patriots, and I'll give you your discount cards.
Fry: Just outta curiosity, we can use the cards to buy gum, then immediately quit the army, right?
Bender: You know, playin' you all for chumps?
Recruitment officer: Correct. There's no obligation.
[Fry and Bender sign.]
Recruitment officer: Unless, of course, war were declared.
[Siren]
Fry: What's that?
Recruitment officer: War were declared.If that didn't make you laugh like a donkey, I'm just gonna tell myself it's because you haven't seen it.

Emily Saliers

And now we're talking about a difficult thing
and your eyes are getting wet
but I took us for better
and I took us for worse
and don't you ever forget it

So much better than fetch

Sarah Warn is a genius:

"I think the name 'Tina Fey' should become shorthand for smart, feminist, lesbian-inclusive behavior. As in, 'Donating money to fight Prop. 8 is so Tina Fey.'

"It could even be used in reverse — as in, 'Voting for Sarah Palin is so not Tina Fey.'"

Is it too late to move to California?

Josh Ritter

I know you are waiting
and I know that it is not for me
But I'm here and I'm ready
and I've saved you the passenger seat

I never was cool

What did I tell you? If I bought a kitten, this would turn into a cat blog. I am now a crazy lesbian who likes her cat too much. At least I only have one. For now. And he's cute! So sue me.

Hey, so I finally accurately called the ending of a reality show! Of course, it was Shot at Love, so it's really nothing to be proud of, but two weeks ago, I bet the air in front of me ten bucks that Bobby would win, and the air in front of me has not paid up. That's what I get for making bets with things that are not even corporeal. So, hands up, who fell for MTV's attempt to make you think Tila suddenly changed her mind while making out with Bobby? Come on now. Not even she is that retarded. I can't believe MTV even tried. Also, she's a "singer/songwriter"? I indicate my disbelief with those quotation marks of sarcasm. Please. I believe model, but not singer/songwriter. Finally, could MTV be any more cliched? Lesbian love connection = Indigo Girls? At first, I kind of thought it was hilarious, their lack of imagination, but now I just find it gross. The Indigo Girls are too good for MTV reality trash. Of course, I still laughed all the way through "Least Complicated" last night--I don't take these things that seriously.

Some other fool across the ocean years ago
must have crashed his little airplane

If Brandi and the Indigo Girls were going to Texas, that would be a good excuse to go see Carlos--and drag him to the show. He likes the Indigo Girls a lot, though--and we played Amy Ray's solo album on Girly Sounds when it was in the add bin. And! We played a live version of "Shame on You" and totally forgot to censor that f-bomb Miss Ray drops. Whatever--I think that was when we had our radio show on, like, Sunday morning, and no one was listening. Jess told me she called him during Brandi's set at PC to get his butt down to wherever they were playing (where were they playing? the Alumni gym? Slavin lawn? I don't even know), convinced he'd love her, but I think he was just like, "Yeah, she's good." Oh, Carlos. I wonder if Josh was there. I'd think he'd have apprecianted that the girl tours with a cello player. However! Even if they were going to Texas, I kind of doubt they'd make it to El Paso--or anywhere near El Paso. Damn Texas is so huge. I'd have better luck dragging him to a show if they ended up in, like, Albuquerque. But is that any likelier than their appearing in El Paso?

Darker than night were the eyes of Felina
Wicked and evil while casting her spell

Do you know what I can't stand? (Many things, but here's just one.) When the phrase "all right" is written as one word: alright. It's not a word, people, just like "alot" is not a word. It's a phrase. Composed of two separate words. I also can't stand when people put apostrophes in plural words for no reason, like words is now word's. I hate that even more than your for you're. Seriously. Speaking of things I can't stand: why do people still use emoticons? They make me break out in hives. When I had a livejournal, my bio consisted of a quotation of a diatribe against emoticons lifted from the pages of Eats, Shoots & Leaves. Oh my god, I am such a nerd.

I don't wanna be the sober one
I don't wanna be your only one

Oh! And while we're still speaking of things I can't stand, let's move on to a lesser category: things that bug me--in songs, when a word is rhymed with itself. Avril Lavigne is the only perpetrator I can think of at the moment, because Carlos and I totally bonded over this issue while Jess made us listen to that song of hers that was on the radio senior year. I can't remember the name or any words or even the melody, but she rhymed a word with itself. And lately, it's happened in that Victoria's Secret commercial with the model babbling about the air bra or whatever the hell it is, and she rhymes air with itself. Hideous. The remedy for this is changing the word before the ending word and pronouncing them together, like they're one word that happens to rhyme with the word at the end of the preceding line. That makes it somewhat okay--because repetition can be necessary in a song or poem. I can't think of an example right now--those lines I spewed forth above don't really qualify, but they don't bug nearly as much as that Avril song or the Victoria's Secret commercial, because the repetition is necessary. Or I'm giving Brandi a pass. You decide.

I don't think most of that paragraph made any sense... Oh, well. Next bitch!

Speaking of next bitches, I bought Lizzy's album on cdbaby.com, and it's good. Weird like Lizzy--but good. Naturally, "Next Bitch" is still my fave. I miss when she would just hang around Dore, playing her guitar--once she even played Jen and me to sleep while we decided to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon. She's good peeps, Lizzy Picciallo is. Heh, and then another time, she, Carlos, Katrina, and I got baked at Katrina's house in the middle of the day, and we ate crunchy peanut butter sandwiches, and Carlos started freaking out in this way that was really hilarious, because I was too stoned to, like, decide if he was really freaking out or just being a doof. Drugs are bad for that boy.

That's not what I said
and that's not what I meant
To be honest
you lack substance

This quotes/lyrics in between paragraphs thing is probably not the new format for blog entries. It's just something I feel compelled to do right now. I have quotes and song lyrics tumbling around in my head at all times, and sometimes I just need to get them out.

I love it when snow has an ice covering, because the ground gets all smooth and shimmering, and then it's fun to, like, bust through it with your tattered Dr. Marten. It's also fun when it holds your weight, so you can walk on it gingerly, just waiting to fall through. Although that's more fun when someone's walking ahead of you, and he's the one who falls through. Whatever, people falling down is funny. I never said I went for highbrow humor. Or highbrow anything, for that matter.

We're livin' in a powder keg and givin' off sparks!

Those lyrics have nothing to do with anything, but "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is on the radio right now, and I love that line. So dramatic! You know what other song I forgot I loved? "Somebody to Love" by Queen. I heard it last night in my brother's car--my sixteen-year-old brother listens to classic rock stations. I suspect that this has something to do with Guitar Hero. (Also, is Guitar Hero hard? It sounds like the kind of video game I could get behind, but I have no sense of music timing and no finger coordination. So it's probably not hard, but it would be hard for me.) I should have asked for iTunes money for Christmas, because the way I sit at work downloading whatever song pops into my head gets expensive. (No I did not just download "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Hearing it on the radio is enough for me.)

Ever since I started bitching about the film version of The Golden Compass, people searching things related to it have stumbled upon here. I got two variations of "why did the master try to poison Lord Asriel?" and one about Mrs. Coulter and one: "who put the spyfly in the tin?" Well, to that last one, I say, intrepid googler, that that was Farder Coram. Now. Why did the Master try to poison Lord Asriel? That is a good question. Most likely because he thought that if Lord Asriel didn't set off for the North to, you know, build his bridge, he could prevent Lyra's destiny, because he loved Lyra and wanted to keep her safe. And clearly, the only way to stop Asriel is to kill him. But, um, if the alethiometer told him what was going to happen to Lyra, then it was going to happen. And it did happen, precisely because he tried to kill Lord Asriel. Oooh, fate is weird, innit?

By the way, none of you has predicted the future and told me the fate of The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass as films. I hate to say this, but I'm disappointed in all [three] of you.

Sometimes I wonder how I ever started lovin' you

I think this is in serious contention for best song title ever: "You're Pretty Good Looking (for a Girl)." I could never explain to you why I find the White Stripes' music so amazing--because I can't explain anything about music--but I love them so. Song titles like this just bolster the love some more.

If Ben Folds's audience participation bit in "Army" went head to head with Brandi and the boys' in "Turpentine," who would win? If the "Turpentine" bit went head to head with the "Not the Same" bit, Brandi and the boys would win, I think, but Ben's "Army" thing is so fun. Why is everything a competition for me?

When Canada is dead and gone, there'll be no more Celine Dion!

Forgive me if this is totally wrong, but I swear to god I heard Celine Dion singing "Feliz Navidad" on the radio yesterday, and now I'm too frightened to look it up and confirm. That song is awful enough as it is, but if Celine Dion is singing it? Shudder.

Speaking of Christmas music, though, I felt compelled to make a mix CD of songs that don't give me hives for the holidays:
1. "Welcome Christmas" - All the Whos down in Whoville
2. "Baby, It's Cold Outside" - Leon Redbone & Zooey Deschanel
3. "What's This?" - Danny Elfman (from The Nightmare Before Christmas)
4. "Donde esta Santa Claus?" - Guster
5. "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" - Barenaked Ladies & Sarah McLachlan
6. "I Saw Three Ships" - The Chieftains with Marianne Faithfull
7. "The First Noel/Mary, Mary" - Sarah McLachlan
8. "Spotlight on Christmas" - Rufus Wainwright
9. "2000 Miles" - The Pretenders
10. "Twelve Days of Christmas" - John Denver and the Muppets
11. "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" - Thurle Ravenscroft
12. "I Want an Alien for Christmas" - Fountains of Wayne
13. "All I Want for Christmas Is You" - Mariah Carey
14. "What Child Is This?" - Sarah McLachlan
15. "River" - Joni Mitchell
16. "Blue Christmas" - Bright Eyes
17. "The Heartache Can Wait" - some chick named Brandi
18. "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" - Martina Sorbara
19. "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" - Sixpence None the Richer
20. "One More Sleep 'Til Christmas" - Kermit the Frog
21. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - The Pretenders

Light on the Jesus, but I do still love some of the traditional songs. The best part of that Muppets' "Twelve Days of Christmas" is when they all join in for the "ba dum bum bum" after Miss Piggy wails "five goooooooold rings." I love it. (That's a good album title, right? No Hives for the Holidays? I'm a genius.)

Don't make me get the hose!

There is a man at work who looks like Bob Hoskins! Or as I like to refer to him, Mr. Smee! I am well aware that Bob Hoskins has been in many a film, but for me, he will always be Mr. Smee, in the best Peter Pan movie ever: Hook.

"I've just had an apostrophe."
"I think you mean an epiphany."
"No. ... Lightning has just struck my brain."

If anyone had cared to ask my opinion, I would have suggested him for the role of Professor Slughorn in Half-Blood Prince, but no one did, so Jim Broadbent got the job. He does have experience playing a professor, anyway.

I don't know if you noticed, but I have rather unrefined taste in films. The last Oscar-nominated movie I saw, I think, was Chicago. I don't want films that make me, like, think. I don't want films that scare me or make me sad. I want films to entertain me. If I wanted to be, like, moved or to feel any kind of emotion, I would read a book. And I do. I read books frequently. Although, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire may have made me cry--shut up, it's awful when Harry drags Cedric's body back to Hogwarts, and his dad starts freaking out. More moving, though, is when Dumbledore says, "Cedric Diggory's death will not have been in vain." I think that's the part that made actual tears come. I am such a wuss. Okay, no wait, Brokeback won some Oscars, didn't it? And that made me sad and made me think and moved me. But guess what! It was based on a short story. Which I totally read first. So that was definitely the last serious film I saw, and I totally only saw it because I love the gays. (And I totally only read the story in preparation for seeing the movie. Whatever.)

The last movie I watched was Shrek 3. There was nothing intelligent about that film, but it entertained the crap out of me. Not as good as Shrek 2, but better than Shrek. I still have not read the story that served as the basis for these films (by William Steig), but I plan to. Some day. For now, I just bought myself a whole mess of books with my jar of change money (as an early Christmas present), and I've already plowed through two of them. Only three left! Okay, so I guess five isn't really "a whole mess," but it's more than I usually buy at once. And I imagine some family member or other (who I shall love forever) will be bestowing a Barnes & Noble gift card upon me this holiday season, and so I will be able to really buy a whole mess of books. I still haven't finished with Flannery or Homer, but they are slow going, y'all. Speaking of Homer, The Simpsons Movie comes out on DVD tomorrow! Another early Christmas present to myself? Or shall I ask someone to buy it for me? Decisions, decisions.

"He's not Spider Pig anymore. He's Harry Plopper."

I have bought Christmas gifts for my brothers and for Mike. Really, that just leaves my parents, since my other friends and I don't do Christmas presents (thank god, because I am the worst at picking out things for other people). My parents are impossible to shop for, so I usually just make my dad a batch of his favorite cookies and take them to his place on Christmas morning, but my mom doesn't like cookies--or baked goods of any kind--so I'm stuck. She said she wanted a yoga mat and a yoga video, and that means I actually have to go and look for these things, because I don't know where yoga paraphernalia hang out. (Is paraphernalia plural? It looks plural, but it sounds like one of those collective nouns--information, family, data--that we treat as singular in American English. Oh, whatever. I just bored myself.) The stores I frequent do not seem to carry yoga-related things--but the stores I frequent are Bath & Body Works (because they entice me there with the promise of a whopping $8 per hour of my time!) and Barnes & Noble. And Petsmart. Which reminds me! I am out of dry kitten food. And apparently, the cat needs to eat, like, every day. So needy.

Oh! "The Heartache Can Wait" is officially released on iTunes tomorrow, and even though I already ganked the mp3, I'll buy it. I am merely borrowing this unauthorized mp3 until I can get my hands on the legit copy, because, um, it's been, like, three weeks since they recorded it, and I could not have waited that long. But I will happily fork over my dollar, because this song--and supporting the band in any way I can--is totally worth it. I really wish I were going on one of those cruises in February. Jess would have come with me if we could have swung it. But she's spending her money on a trip to Texas, and I want to buy a new computer. Or a new car. Or maybe just a new iPod. (I don't need a new iPod, but I have such an issue resisting new and shiny things.)

Jess loves it when people talk about her, so I don't think she'll mind my reposting a facebook comment she left me here:

"I just watched that Turpentine vid, and I have several comments:
1) Brandi's eyes look incredible in that vid. The way they did the lighting or something.... but yeah, good job!
2) Ewwww! Why is she with a BOY! For some reason this vid disturbs me a bit.... I mean, a BOY!? WTF!? It would have been better if it were a girl.
3) Despite the fact that it's a boy (ahhhhh, a boy! I don't verk vit da males, 'cause I usedta BE one!), I found the ending incredibly adorable."

Other than the absence of a vest comment, it's pretty much exactly what I thought when I first watched it. And instead of a Mean Girls quote, she serves up a Mrs. Doubtfire quote, which is almost as good. You should hear Jess do that line, too--she's almost as good as Robin Williams. She's a comedic genius. Anyway, then I told her the song was about Brandi's brother, and she decided it was okay that there was a boy in the video. You should also hear her sing "Follow"--amazing. Heh. Although, if you were in the Orpheum lobby before the show, you probably did hear her, because she would not stop.

I hope that when I go home, I find that At World's End and Order of the Phoenix are waiting for me, because I don't have to work tonight, and a night of movies and kitten-cuddling sounds like bliss.

Try not to dress like a small town lesbian

"I ate a three musketeers bar for breakfast this morning, and this bra is held together with tape."

I love Tina Fey. In case you didn't know.

Things I need to remember

"She looks like one of those fish that has eyes on both sides of its flat self (a flounder, to be specific). She reminds me of Ann Coulter, which means that she probably smells like one of those fish that has eyes on both sides of its flat self, as well." --FourFour

"Last time I checked, we're in the United States. And in the United States, we clearly speak English. That language I don't understand, and therefore it makes me angry." --Kelly's mom

"I had no idea that you ate food at brunch; I was always given to understand that brunch was some kind of French term for 'we're drinking in the morning.' This is fascinating. I do enjoy a nice egg dish with my alcoholism." --Jacob

Rerip that Semisonic song "Gone to the Movies." It's been fucked up for, like, eight years. Christ.

Stop asking questions you don't really want answers to, because no matter how rhetorical they sound in your head, people will always try to answer them. Not that I don't appreciate the effort, people--I'd rather just save you that effort, because...it's wasted on this ungrateful girl.

Re-rip Goldfly, because the audio is really bizarre on all the tracks and has also been that way for, like, eight years.

Fraggle Rock, season three, is out on DVD. Purchase that bad boy.

I've always said that the best folk music comes from the Dutch

Since last summer, Wikipedia has removed every reference to Brandi Carlile's being a lesbian from its info on her. Way back when I'd spend most days at my internship listening to a loop of her self-titled album and Regina Spektor's Begin to Hope, I decided, during "Happy," that this girl was kind of gay, so I went to the internets for confirmation. (Also, just look at the cover of her debut CD--pretty gay.) Then, the Wikipedia article claimed she'd come out in 2003, and there was a link to an article in some Washington university's paper in which somebody connected with the Brandi Carlile Band said something like, "Brandi's a lesbian, so our shows are always full of girls." That link was still there a few months ago. Now it's gone. What the eff? Is someone shoving her back into the closet? Is she not a lesbian anymore? (How is that possible?) Was she ever a lesbian in the first place? I don't know anything anymore--but I do know that she wore a Boy Scout uniform to her tour opener in Oregon. That's pretty gay, right? (Picture stolen from againtoday.com)

While I'm talking about Brandi Carlile, I'll add this to my "I love country music, and I have to kill myself" story: one of her new songs "How These Days Grow Long," which I fucking love is even more country-fried than "Closer to You." So there. That's all.

Also, she did a video for "Turpentine," and in it, she is wearing this horrible vest (with nothing underneath it--which has to mean she's either a lesbian or Ani DiFranco--and Ani's at least half gay), and the whole time I was watching the video, I was not really paying attention to the song or the story, because this exchange was running through my head:

Gretchen: Regina, you're wearing sweatpants. It's Monday.
Regina: So...?
Karen: So that's against the rules, and you can't sit with us.
Regina: Whatever. Those rules aren't real.
Karen: They were real that day I wore a vest!
Regina: Because that vest was disgusting!

Because, y'all? That vest was disgusting. But it did let me see that Brandi has matching tattoos on her upper arms of what looked to me like balls of snakes, but were most likely not actually balls of snakes. I'll have to watch the video again to see what they really are, but seriously. That vest. It kills me. I've even seen her wear it before, but she was wearing a t-shirt under it then, and so it wasn't so bad.

Also! In some shots, she looks orange, like they put bronzer on her or something, which--unnecessary. On the whole, though, she looks more like real Brandi than she did in the video for "The Story," but I just totally don't love it when they put all that Hollywood makeup on her.

That vest, though. I wouldn't let her eat lunch with me if she were wearing it, either.

Oh, of course I would. She's Brandi Carlile, and I'm certainly no Regina George. I do prefer the Boy Scout uniform shirt, though.

On a completely unrelated (but still important) note, why do the Red Sox do this to me every year? 3 and a half games? When once it was 14? What the fuck? Every year. And every year, the Yankees suck until the All-Star break, and then they're like, "Later, suckers!" and they steal every hope and dream away from Boston. (Except for 2004, which was sweet, but seriously, if that shit only happens once every eighty-six years, I will cry tears of blood.) 14 to 3 and a half. 11 games left. Good Christ, please, please, please, don't blow this, Boston.

"And since I am dead I can take off my head to recite Shakespearean quotations"

"Why do these girls turn everything into a project? Can't they just like needlecrafts or sports or the environment or art or whatever the hell Stacey likes without teaching a class or starting a team or opening a community college?" -Claudia's Room

"I have met thousands and thousands of pro-choice men and women. I have never met anyone who is pro-abortion. Being pro-choice is not being pro-abortion. Being pro-choice is trusting the individual to make the right decision for herself and her family, and not entrusting that decision to anyone wearing the authority of government in any regard." -Hillary Clinton