I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the devil's temperature.

I finally watched an episode of Grey's when it aired, and I love Callie again! Mostly because she looked really pretty last night! And for the way she yelled at George. For some reason, though, on my tv, everyone looked like they had jaundice, but my stupid brother, home from college for a whole fucking month, has been hogging the HD tv since he got here. He fucked up my recording of Cashmere Mafia too, because of course the HD tv is the only one with the DVR. And there was more girlkissing! He sucks.

Anyway, they already did this Bailey's baby in peril storyline, and I do not like that Bailey has to have problems at home just because she's the awesomest surgeon who ever awesomed. No one on this show can have a relationship except for Meredith and Cristina. Theirs is the only one that works, and it is also the best one on the show. Meredith is whiny, but I seem to like her more than most people, but I will always and forever love Cristina. I also love how everyone in the hospital (that we know) loves Bailey so much that they're all freaking out about her baby. I love that Cristina loves Bailey so much that she finally became human and took care of Tuck when Hahn wouldn't let her in the OR. It was the perfect--and only--time for Cristina to act like Izzie.

I hate the way Derek treats Meredith, but I love his friendship with Bailey. Mostly, I just love Bailey.

I go back and forth on Hahn; I kind of love her friendship with Callie, but I do not love that she told Mark, "Yeah, I'd fuck you if we didn't work together." No. Don't give him anything, woman. Sheesh. Also, do not cross Miranda Bailey. The end. Goodnight.

So how awesome was 30 Rock last night? Tina Fey drunkenly singing "You Oughta Know" might be the highlight of the history of television. And then the group sing of "Midnight Train to Georgia," which was even perfecter because Gladys Knight showed up at the end to tell them to shut the hell up so she could take a nap. Tina Fey is the most brilliant woman ever.

Okay, so I know I pretty much had a geek orgasm all over Special Topics in Calamity Physics yesterday, but later that day I was devouring it, and Marisha Pessl used impact as a verb when she really meant affect--or have an impact on. Impact as a verb has a very specific meaning; it is not a synonym for affect, and I have made it my crusade as proofreader to eliminate this word in everything I read for work. So in order to continue to read this novel with so much promise, I crossed out "impact"with a pencil and wrote "affect" and continued on with my life.

Here is what the OED (which I can still access online with my PC ID!) gives as the number one definition for impact as a verb: "To press closely into or in something; to fix firmly in; to pack in." A third definition is, "To come forcibly into contact with a (larger) body or surface." That's all you get, okay? When you want to say something had an impact on something else, say that. Or use affect. Next!

Okay, so once again I have proven I have no principles, because I broke down and watched Cashmere Mafia online. Sorry, writers. I need some lesbian entertainment. I still won't buy DVDs though. I swear. Anyway. Miranda Otto and Lucy Liu are much better with deadly weapons in their paws. I need to watch Kill Bill and that one when Eowyn kills that thing that no man can kill, because she ain't no man, bitches! (Two Towers, right? I really wish she hadn't stupidly pined after Aragorn, but you never get truly perfect female heroes in stories written by men. At least she's badasseder than Arwen. Can we talk about how much I hate Liv Tyler? And how much I clearly need to read the books again? But that would be an undertaking and a half. It took me, the book nerd, three years to get through the trilogy, and most of that time was spent on The Fellowship of the Ring. This parenthetical is now longer than the rest of the paragraph.) Caitlin remains the best character (and not just because she's the maybe gay one)--she's also the only one who's ever funny. The girlkissing on the this show is really tame, and Caitlin gets a rather disproportionate amount of screen time. Sigh. Allison thinks the lesbian (Alicia, I think her name is) looks like Charisma Carpenter. I still don't see it, except for the hair. Maybe. Anyway, Caitlin needs an episode to focus on her. Also, Lucy Liu's old boss, Grant, was, like, the worst gay executive ever. Bah. I do like how tight all four of them are, though; those were always my favorite parts of Sex and the City, when all four them were together.

So apparently, Emily was the eighth most popular baby name for girls in 2007, and while it is true that Emily is a ridiculously popular name, at least it is not a fad name. There are a million women named Emily in every generation. Yell "Emily!" in Bath & Body Works, and you will get the attention of your five-year-old, me, and somebody's grandmother. That happens all the time, too: someone yells my name at work, and they're only talking to me half the time. The other times, it's some exasperated caregiver trying to wrangle an unruly child. (For the record, I was the least unruly child ever, but now I'm a huge pain in the ass, so I respond to the yelling.)

Anyone who can get me an mp3 of the cast of 30 Rock's "Midnight Train to Georgia" will win my everlasting love and devotion. Um, sorry that's all I have to offer.

A vision of the everchanging view

So I watched Project Runway when it aired last night because, thanks to Kaeli, we got out of work early, but I wasn't really paying attention. Maybe because I hate prom dresses. And girls in high school. And Christian. Of course he thinks prom is tacky and awful. (It is, but whatever.)

Of course Kevin had that floppy surfer boy haircut when he was in high school.

Of course Sweet P went to Catholic school.

Of course Chris is a drag queen. Of course! Even though I kind of hate drag queens, it all makes sense for him. And those costumes were quite something to behold.

Of course they kept shit-stirrer Christian over actually-talented Kevin. Have you seen this show (or any reality competition program) before? Do you remember when Santino's outfit for Kara was falling apart on then runway, but they still sent Uncle Nick home? Not that I really care about Kevin, and Christian seems somewhat more self-aware than I gave him credit for, but that dress was a mess. Well, so was Kevin's.

Where the hell was Kit Pistol? I don't like how she's fading into the middle of the pack. What even did her dress look like? Her prom picture frightened me, because she looked so normal, and she was a "prom princess," whatever that is. Is that like runner up to prom queen? I don't know if we even did a prom queen/king thing at my high school. That reminds me! I have a story to tell about Carrie. But that'll be later. I did enjoy how she said she'd be prom king, and Chris could be prom queen. She's the greatest.

I loved how Christian was like, "I was best dressed at my prom," and Chris was like, "According to you? Or did you actually vote on it?" (I think it was Chris. Whoever it was, hooray for you! That was hilarious.)

Jillian said something funny (but I can't remember what it was), and I was like, "Finally!" Maybe now I can like her for real. Even though I don't remember what she said. Maybe next week she'll finally be awesome. She's getting close.

The one thing that made me crazy was that Tim Gunn had to be all, "Don't give up, Christian, come on." Like you would expect anything other from the master teacher, but seriously, Christian, you're a grown man (even if you don't look like one). Don't act like such a baby. And don't blame your issues on that child you were working with. If your dress is fug, it's your own fault. However, I'll cut you a little bit of slack, because being on reality television cannot be easy, and it's the people who don't have meltdowns of some kind who frighten me.

Okay, so anyway, I was out with some Bath & Body Works people the other night, and I made some reference to Carrie, and both of them were like, "Whuh?" And I was like, "You know, Carrie, the movie?" And one of them was like, "Is that the one with the pig's blood?" And I was like, "Yeah." Come on! How can you not know Carrie? I hate horror films and Stephen King, but Carrie is amazing. Even if you haven't seen it, you should just, like, know it, because it is an important pop culture film.

Wait! Maybe not everyone on earth is a pop culture nerd? Just me and my nerdy friends? I refuse to believe it.

So I got to see Katy and Jess last Friday, which was awesome, because I hadn't seen either of them in a year, and they were two of my best friends in high school, and it was good just to hang out with them again. Anyway, Jess recommended a book to me, and I was like, "Oh yeah! I forgot I have a friend who reads for fun!" (That is sad, how out of touch I've fallen with these people, but whatever. I'm working on it.) Also, Jess and I were never reading the same books at the same time, so we never really had a discussion about them, except that one New Year's Eve at Josh's house where we had a brilliant, slightly drunken conversation about Like Water for Chocolate. So, anyway, I got so excited that I ran out to Borders last night in between jobs and bought it: Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl. I've only read the first chapter, and I already love it. The book is set up like an intro to lit syllabus; the table of contents is titled "Required Reading," and each chapter is a work of literature. There are thirty-two chapters, and I have only read ten of the works (two of them are Shakespeare plays). That made me immeasurably sad, because they're all English-major type works. Of course one of them is one of the myriad Charles Dickens books I haven't read. Which ones have I read, you ask? A Christmas Carol, Great Expectations, Hard Times, A Tale of Two Cities, and Our Mutual Friend. I have a theory about why I hate Charles Dickens other than the overriding "I hate everything written in the 19th century except things that were written by Louisa May Alcott and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and maybe The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn," but that is another story and shall be told another time. At least I won't have a shortage of books to read. Ever.

Crazy merchandising

Oh my god! I forgot the best thing about my fly-by-night trip to Borders: Golden Compass Pez! I bought Iorek, because he is the best. They also had Iofur (whose name in the movie I still do not know), Pan, and Mrs. Coulter's daemon (who does not have a name--he's a creepy little bastard). Check it:











So, um, since nobody else seems to have bought any of this Golden Compass merchandise, I am getting more and more sure that no one will want to spend the money to make The Subtle Knife. I am sad. I am also sad that I still have no one to talk about how they ruined the book with. (That is a horrible sentence, but I don't feel like fixing it. Blerg.)

But Iorek Byrnison Pez! I love Pez! I used to have a Pez t-shirt! And then it developed holes in the armpits, and I had to discard it. Sad day that was.

Jumble, jumble all at my house

Hillary Clinton is not perfect, but I voted for her, because I am desperate for this country to have a female president--and I firmly believe that if anyone can handle being this fucked-up country's first female president, Hillary Rodham Clinton can. I would not vote for just any lady--I'm not insane. As an added bonus, my grandparents (all four of them) hate her! Bwa! I would not be too disappointed, though, if Barack were to ultimately win the nomination, because this country needs a first black president, too. At this point in this disaster, any Democrat will do, but Hillary and Barack are both lookin' good to me. Time to put power in the hands of someone other than a rich white dude.

Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee both terrify me, so I guess I would have to actually say that John McCain is the least odious Republican candidate. And then I will have to take a shower. Blech. But I feel confident, with the way New Hampshire has been going these days, that it'll never be a red state again. Or at least not this November. That was mortifying, when we were the one island of red in a sea of blue in 2000. I was too young to vote, and I felt impotent. It sucked.

I won't even get into how angry I was to see the fact that Hillary got choked up for a brief second while talking to voters made headlines. Seriously.

The Red Sox are playing the Orioles on my birthday, which is a Thursday this year, at 1:35 pm, at home. Bleacher seats are already $73 on StubHub. This is the one downside to winning the World Series, I suppose. But that's the only thing I want for my birthday this year, tickets to that game. And the day off, obviously, but that'll be much easier to secure than Red Sox tickets.

I have listened to "Downpour" at least 306 times--more, obviously, because one, I haven't synced my iPod with iTunes lately, and two, that doesn't even count how many times I've listened to the actual CD of The Story. The count is also so high because I have seven different versions of "Downpour." The one from Easy Street Records is my fave. Why, yes, I'm listening to "Downpour" right now. How ever did you guess?

What? I haven't talked about my crazy obsession with Brandi Carlile for a while.

A little TMI, maybe

I would just like to make this clear, for my own peace of mind: I don't fall in love with girls who wear glasses because I myself wear glasses and happen to have a narcissist complex (even though both of those things may be true). I wear glasses, because contacts freak me the fuck out, and if I don't wear glasses, I look...how shall we say this? Simple. I fall in love with other girls who wear glasses because Tina Fey put a spell on my soul. There. I totally needed to get that off my chest. Also, glasses don't work for blondes. The end!

While we're talking about me, let me go on to say that I have a horrible habit of biting my fingernails. I hate it when they get long, and I don't have the patience to, like, cut them, so I just bite them. Anyway, the nail of the middle finger on my left hand was gettin' long, so I chomped it this morning, and there was, like, some fiery Tobasco sauce remnant of death lodged underneath it or something, because as soon as I chomped, I couldn't feel my tongue. However, that did not stop me from continuing the chomping until the nail was the right length. Gross, huh?

Whenever I'm alone, I sing Tim's part of the "Turpentine" harmonies. Loudly. I may or may not have scared the cat. More than once.

Now that I've been thinking about it for, like, a whole day, I kind of want to marry who- or whatever wrote that spam and thought "festive" would be a seduce-y type of adjective. I wanted to say something like "Brandi Carlile is so fucking festive, I can't stand it," but I laughed (out loud, at work) before I could even type it, so I had to present it that way, in quotes, so I could even get it out of my system.

Um, not too many thoughts today. I am all out of lesbian television observations, and I haven't talked to Allison since Sunday night. Brandi Carlile hasn't done anything new. I don't want to get all political, because I end up getting all worked up and bitter, but I will say this: vote this month, bitches! Just don't vote for Mike Huckabee. He skeeves me right out of this world.

Speaking of right out of this world, the first time I read that information about Mars and Jupiter and whatever also getting warmer, my first thought was not, "Huh. That's weird," but rather, "Oh my god. We've done so much damage we've fucked up the entire solar system." Um, not so much, I know, but you can see I have a really high opinion of the human race these days.

So I finally, like, caved and bought an actual winter coat, because I apparently live in an area of the country where it, like, gets cold for four months of the year (at least), and now it's sixty degrees outside. I don't know what kind of brain meltdown I had that let me decide to buy something with "military inspired details," but my pacifist ass still likes the coat even after I recovered from the meltdown and looked at it again. Also, I hate winter coats, because they're all big and bulky and shit, and this was definitely the most wearable. It's probably not even what any self-respecting New England-er would call a winter coat, but it is warmer than the red zip-up hoodie I've been wearing.

You know, right after I wrote that thing about glasses on blondes not doing anything for me, I almost immediately found a blonde girl in glasses. She was pumping gas beside me, and I looked up, and I was like, "Dammit!"

Um, I guess I had more thoughts than I, um, thought.

Girls 'n sports--have I mentioned that I'm gay?

So I watched the premiere of Cashmere Mafia last night after all the football and another viewing of The Simpsons Movie, because, hello, lesbians! Despite the fact that it looked like a less amusing Sex and the City, and even my brother was like, "Yeah, like this has never been done before" I continued to watch, because I knew for a fact there would be girlkissing in the premiere. And Caitlin, the character who is figuring out she may be gay, is definitely the best character--and Alicia, the girl she falls for, is beautiful. So two very enthusiastic thumbs up for that.

Okay, it took me five years, because I was watching this show going, "That redhead looks...familiar..." And then Allison was like, "I liked Miranda Otto," and I was like, "Which one was she?" And she was like, "The one whose husband was cheating on her." And I was like, "Ohhh." And then five years later I was like, "Miranda...Otto... Fucking shit, Eowyn!" Eowyn should not be being female cuckolded, bitches. She should be chopping off bastards' heads. Or balls. Because the thing is, when the other three decided to sit her down and tell her that one of them had seen her husband making out with some ho on the street, I was like, "Yeah, she already knows." And I was not okay with that. That's not the kind of behavior I will ever support, tolerating your man's infidelity because you're too afraid to be without him. Especially because these women are all rich MBAs. Come on. Juliet (I just remembered her character's name) is perfectly capable of existing without a cheating husband. I will also never support revenge sex, because that's just gross. Caitlin was right when she said, disgusted, "How can you stay with him?" even though she backtracked immediately, because she didn't want to make her friend feel worse. Juliet's speech to her husband, though, at that fancy dinner, had the beginnings of awesomeness, because it made him panic, but when he said, "What can I do? Tell me what to do" or whatever, she should have said, "Pack a fucking bag. You have twenty-four hours to get out of my house." Then it would have been awesome, because that is what he deserves. And I hope that, instead of going through with her revenge sex plan, she, with the support of her three best friends, finds the courage to leave this scumbag. Eowyn would never put up with that kind of behavior, god dammit.

Anyway, it's not really the same as Sex and the City, but the music sounded exactly the goddamn same. And ever since Tom Everett Scott was the good guy in That Thing You Do!, he's been gross in everything else I've seen him in. So, anyway, I think I'll watch it. Mostly for the lesbians. Like always.

Speaking of lesbians, I read the afterellen.com recaps of season 4 of The L-Word (which are brilliant, by the way), and it sounds like it was indeed markedly better than the second and third seasons, and season 5 premiered last night and all, and Jennifer Beals and Laurel Holloman are really pretty, so maybe I can give this show another chance? I just really hate Jenny. A lot. And I'm still bitter about the death of Dana. Like maybe if anyone had spent more than five seconds dealing with it, it would have been okay, but it's like she was never there in the first place. Like she got erased, and no one gives her a second thought. That's not okay. Because Dana was me, y'all. In the very beginning of the first season, when she's all, "I have a thing for this girl, but I can't tell if she's gay, and I can't talk to her" and blahblahblah. That is my life! What is not my life, though, is the fact that the girl was gay and totally into Dana. Sigh.

Speaking of football, Eli Manning never looks like he knows what he's doing, and I don't even remember what happened in the Chargers/Titans game except that the Chargers won, so we play Jacksonville on Saturday. The best game was the Steelers/Jaguars game. That game killed me. What killed me even more, though, was the Buccaneers' stadium, which featured a pirate ship with air cannons that were set off when the Bucs scored--or even got close to scoring. This is the reason that I was upset that they lost--not enough pirate ship air cannon shooting. I clearly must watch more football--except how often would I even get to see a Bucs home game, living in New England? Maybe I should just go to Tampa. I think they even had seats in the pirate ship. That may be even cooler than sitting on the Green Monster.

Despite the fact that I have seen neither of the Terminator movies--Ryan tried to force me to watch T2, but I, like, fell asleep or something--I am contemplating watching The Sarah Connor Chronicles, because Lena Headey is so hot. Right after I saw Imagine Me & You, I was consumed with one of my brief hot 'n heavy girlcrushes. I even watched The Cave, so into her was I. (That movie also featured Piper Perabo! But was exponentially worse than their lesbian movie. I also only like Piper Perabo when she's into girls.) But then that kind of dwindled away (this may or not have coincided with the growing of my crazy Brandi Carlile crush), so that I didn't even see 300 when it finally came out. Is that movie even worth seeing? My brothers love it, which is always a warning sign. The only movies we all seem to agree on are the Judd Apatow films. And I only really liked Superbad, but the others are certainly watchable.

In summary and conclusion: Sarah Connor Chronicles--yea or nay? 300--yea or nay? Lena Headey--as hot as I think she is?

Festive!

Okay, I just got the best fake myspace message, I feel compelled to share it, in all its [sic]ed out glory:

"hii.. basically i never ever likeed anyone from myspace and i clicked your profile from browse and i thought you were festive and found myself actually interested in you. lol i talked to my friend ash and she said to go for you and we should take a compatibility test first... anyways i believe in this kinda stuff so i made one for you its in my profile just look its big and green in my profile. if we match.. and you are interested in me contact me back. i promised ash i will not respond back to you until i get the official test results so if you send any msgs to me i wont get them until you finish. you seem perfect i never had this feeling before.. **im crossing my fingers**

~toodles"

"I thought you were festive" is my favorite bit. "Festive"! That's a new one. Anyway, I'm somewhat confused--like did this compatibility test she put on her profile just start spamming random myspace accounts? The girl's from Texas, and she doesn't seem to have any friends other than Tom, so I didn't get found through some six degrees of separation. Maybe she's not real? Maybe this whole profile is just an elaborate front for a spam compatibility test! "Festive"! I also love how she/it included a fake friend with a name so I'd totally think it was a real message. Though it is longer than most of the spam messages I've gotten. Ever.

Anyway, not like I'm looking to find love on myspace, people, but it would be fun to get one real person who at least thinks I'm cool. I am tired of being the only one! Also, if I'm going to fall in love on the internet, it is going to be when some hot, available girl who just happens to live in Massachusetts or New Hampshire comments on my blog. Though now that I've opened up the blog comments to anyone, I'm sure I'll get my share of blog spam too!

PS, future internet girlfriends, if you even want a shot with this, spellcheck your spam. Thanks!

"Festive"!

It looks like a coffee filter…or a maxi pad.

I watched Runway instead of going to bed last night, so here are some things I have to say:

Okay, damn reality television, as soon as you start focusing on Elisa, we know she’s going home. She got more screen time in the first five minutes than she had all season. And she got hit by a bus! (Or a car, but, whatever. I watched Mean Girls instead of Runway on Wednesday. You know, Regina George gets hit by a bus. Oh whatever.) And of course they saved that revelation for the episode in which Elisa gets eliminated. Always be scared when you learn too much about a contestant. Although I guess you may have at least attempted to fake us out with Sweet P’s confessional, in which she said she wanted to go to Bryant Park and win. That kind of shit usually means it’s time to go! Reality show editors looooove irony.

Kit loooves her model. Marie is cute. None of the models are doing anything for me this season. I kind of loved how Heidi was wearing a black dress, so she totally blended in with the other models on the runway.

Tim Gunn is so cute when he wakes up the contestants. And I love the way he says, “We’re taking a little field trip.” If Tim Gunn woke me up every morning, I would be a happier person. “I just woke up, and Tim was at the door! I didn’t have a bra on!” Marry me, Kit Pistol. I loved how she was so embarrassed to be lookin’ a mess in front of Tim Gunn. I also loved that she made her top out of Kit Kat Bar wrappers.

As much as I still can’t stand Princess Christian, I kind of think his Reese’s peanut butter cup wrapper idea was kind of genius (how many times can I use "kind of" in a sentence?). But they showed that shot of all the unwrapped peanut butter cups in the trash can, and it made me sad. What a waste of those delicious little nuggets. Do you think the dress was all peanut butter greasy, though? Those wrappers are always greasy on the inside. I bet it smelled good anyway.

I loved the playing with candy part, and Kevin was kind of endearing when he barked like a seal after Rami threw him something, and he caught it in his mouth. My favorite part is how the designers get weird and loopy and funny in the workroom.

Chris, the costume genius, won’t work with food on purpose, and Rami admitted he was too afraid to work with food, so I think Jillian is a genius. But she talks so weird, in this high baby voice. I want to love her, but I…can’t. So cute that her model helped her finish the dress, though. I do love unlikely teamwork.

What is Elisa’s daughter’s name? Calliope? Love. It. Okay, Elisa’s is truly a tragic story, and I don’t mean to make light of it, but can we just look at the way in which she actually says, “I got hit by a car”? Look at this! “I took full impact, as a pedestrian, on a Porsche.” That’s not even something a non-native English-speaker would come up with. And she was in a coma for five days! Holy Christ. I hope some good shit happens to her because she was on Project Runway.

What a weird thing to tell Rami his dress looks like Jillian. Does that mean it looks like something Jillian would design or something Jillian would wear? Tim Gunn! Why are confusing me? At any rate, Rami’s dress was pretty bangin’.

Ricky makes me crazy, but I totally dug how his dress looked like a Hershey’s kiss.

“She’s got a silver shower cap on her arm.” “Yes.”

Elisa’s dress was better than Sweet P’s, you bastards. The skirt really did look like a maxi pad.

Damn the return of Crying Ricky next week. Damn it to hell!

More bad lesbian confessions: tell a lesbian you haven't seen Gia, and she looks at you like you just said, "I really like to suck cock." The same thing happens when you say you haven't seen Bound. But then I saw Bound. Let me tell you about overrated. Anyway, I think Allison was like, "Elizabeth Mitchell is hot," and I was like, "Who?" And she was like, "Haven't you seen Gia?" And I was like, "I hate Angelia Jolie." And she was like, "But she plays a lesbian." And I was like, "But I hate her." And she was like, "Do you watch Lost?" And I was like, "No." And she was like, "Oh. Well, Elizabeth Mitchell is hot."

That was fascinating, huh.

I was looking at that "lesbians pick hot girls" list again, and the lesbians think Kelly Clarkson is hotter than Lindsay Lohan. So I guess I'll overlook the Angelina Jolie weirdness. At least they know some things. Also, I am baffled as to how Mia Kirshner made the list and Laurel Holloman didn't. In fact, she's the only principle from The L-Word who didn't, except for Pam Grier. And whoever else joined the cast after the first season. And Laurel Holloman is the hottest non-Jennifer-Beals cast member of that damn lesbo show. She did, however, look truly horrible in that movie with the too-long name I don't want to look up about two girls in love, but that was just the haircut. Tina is a babe and a half. (That movie was baaaaad, but the scenes between Laurel and her ostensibly straight girl were sweet.) Tina is also an a-hole and a half, and that made me sad.

Just in case you thought there might be some non-nerd in me somewhere

This is me if I were a Lego:


The hair is pretty bad, but it was the best they had out of all the girl hair options. For some reason, they didn't have the plastic ponytail option, and I have at least two Lego girls with red plastic ponytails. Here's one:(Obviously, she did not come with that horse and sword/shield set. I totally decided my medieval Legos needed a girl knight. She's the Maid Marian.)

Also, please note the awesome scarf in the original Ravenclaw colors (or as close as I could get to them in Lego form).

I am a book nerd who watches too much tv

Crap dammit, I forgot to watch Project Runway last night. But I did watch Mean Girls with Allison instead. Fair trade off. Plus, it's on the DVR, and Bravo will run it again a million times, and if someone starts her recaps up again, I'll be fine.

I know I ranted about my hatred of emoticons, but sometimes I feel this compulsion (from Satan, I'm sure) to use one, because I type some retarded things sometimes, and then I'm like, "Oh, crap. I hope he/she/your mom knows I'm kidding." Instead of taking the emoticon shortcut, however, I try to say things so ridiculous that no one could take me seriously, but... That doesn't even work sometimes in real life when you can hear my tone of voice! People are idiots. Also, I've been told that my sarcastic voice sounds a lot like my regular voice--or maybe my regular voice sounds a lot like my sarcastic voice would be more accurate. This is why it's also difficult for me to be nice to people--it's not hard for me to say nice things, but it's hard for me to sound sincere. Sincerity is boring. Being a jerk is funny!

Oh, no. I have the patience of a five-year-old, so of course I just went to Bravo's site to see who got banished from the world of fashion forever, and it was Elisa! I loved her! She was so weird! And she seemed, like, really nice. I don't know; she made me laugh. That's what I look for in a reality show participant. Comedy.

Speaking of comedic reality show participants, I've been watching the VH1 Top Model marathon off and on this week, and it got me thinking about the good old days when Top Model was ridiculous, trite, and hilarious. Now it's just garbage. Sigh. So, for no reason whatsoever, I decided to compile a trivia sheet about my Top Model faves and least faves.

Favorite Winner: Adrienne Curry, obviously. The one Tyra's not on speaking terms with anymore. (Let's just pretend that whole Peter Brady thing didn't happen, okay? When she called herself the Hamburglar at that one photo shoot, my love was cemented forever.)
Favorite Contestant: Elyse Sewell, of Cycle One. Who could forget that vitriol-filled confessional rant in which she called Miss J. a shitslice?
Best Cycle: One. Runner up: Three.
Most Memorable Quote: "That skank ho poured the beer on my weave!" -Tiffany, Cycle 3
Hottest Model Wannabe Overall: Nicole Linkletter, winner of Cycle Five. Runner up: Crazy Ann, Cycle Three
Funniest Bimbo: Norelle, Cycle 3. "Japan is like space."
Best Judge: Duh. Janice Dickinson. There was nothing quite like that time she raped Tyra at panel in Cycle Four (I believe).
Cycle That Began the Decline: Six. Jade, anyone? (Who even won that one? Oh! Danielle. I kind of loved Danielle.)
Worst Judge: Nole Marin. Runner up: Tyra.
Worst Contestant: This is tough, but I think I'm going to have to go with Robin from Cycle One. She was super irritating and kind of fug (it was all in her eyes--there was some nostril work as well, but mostly the eyes), and the proselytizing was just more than I could handle. I don't know how Elyse didn't punch her in the neck.
Worst Cycle: Seven, I think. Or nine. I mean, Saliesha? Really?

Okay, that's all. I promise.

Oh! I have decided I have a few "bad lesbian" confessions to make:
I hate Melissa Etheridge
and!
The L Word
Allison's been going on and on about the mother-effin' L Word, and I guess the new season is starting up this weekend, but whatever. I totally loved the first season, but the second season was crappy, and then in the third season when Dana died and Bette kidnapped her own kid, I was, like, "Yeah... I'm out." And Allison was, like, "No, the fourth season is so much better! And Jennifer Beals is hot! And Tina stops being straight!" Blahblahblah. I almost thought about buying the fourth season DVDs at a time when I was hard-up for any kind of lesbian entertainment, but I was also hard-up for cash, so I passed them by. Now with the writers' strike still dragging on (fucking greedy corporations), I've decided to boycott purchasing DVD sets of television shows--and I've managed to stick to that. This is why I do not have 30 Rock on DVD. Why can't these bastards give the writers what they deserve? I need Tina Fey and lesbians, dammit!

Ahem. But nothing will make me like Melissa Etheridge. Not even the fact that she married Nicole from Popular.

Oh! I also kind of hate South of Nowhere, which keeps getting all kinds of praise for its portrayal of teen lesbians, and seriously Spencer is the only character on that show I can stand, so I guess, good for them on that one, but the rest of the show is gross. And there is barely any girlkissing, so why bother? I hate Degrassi, too, for the absolutely craptastic way they ended Paige and Alex's relationship. It was bad enough that they dragged out this "get together/break up/get back together/break up" thing out for three seasons, but seriously? Alex left her home and had nowhere to go, and Paige sacked up and decided she could be there for her, and then, like, two weeks later, Alex is back out on her ass? I get that Deanna Casaluce wanted to do something else, but they could have written her out of the show more gracefully. Christ. I still do hopelessly love Paige, though--not in a gay way. Just in a "god, this girl is a bitch, and I love watching it" way. More in the older episodes though. Degrassi kind of lost me ever since JT died. Not that I was particularly fond of JT--that's just when the show lost me.

I wish I had the kind of deep pockets that would enable me to go on a cruise or two in February. Sigh.

That ain't no etch-a-sketch

The poster for that hideous movie One Missed Call terrifies me. It's a creepy face with two screaming mouths where the eyes should be--but the noses above the mouths are also included, so it's even weirder and grosser and--blerg. I don't think I have to tell you I most definitely won't be seeing that one.

I did, however, finally see Juno with Allison last night, and I was shocked to find that there's, like, nothing for me to criticize about it. Juno herself doesn't act like any real sixteen-year-old anyone's ever met, but I figure that's the point, right? And Ellen Page is charming, so it worked for me. I did find myself laughing at the most random things, like when she says the girl at the clinic thought she was using a fake name, "like Gene Simmons or Mother Teresa." I don't know--I think I just enjoy shots at alleged holy people. And conjuring Mother Teresa at an abortion clinic: good work.

Juno and Bleeker had matching hamburger phones. I don't know why I fell for the cuteness this time around--there's never a rhyme or reason to what I find touching and what I find revolting--but it killed me.

Soundtrack was super good--as indie film soundtracks tend to be, I suppose. But whatever. I really liked the opening song, "All I Want Is You" by Barry Louis Polisar. I know this is the queerest of the queer, but it reminded me of The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown. Whatever. I loved it. I just bought it on iTunes five seconds ago.

Rainn Wilson is hilarious, too, for the five seconds he's in the movie, and now I wonder why I don't watch The Office. The lines he had could have been terrible in the hands of a different actor, but his delivery was just perfect, so I laughed instead of cringed.

I do not like it when Jason Bateman is skeevy--I only want him to be Michael Bluth, dammit. Like Michael Cera always seems to be some version of George Michael in his movies--an older, more vulgar version, maybe, but still stuttering and sweet and odd. I don't care if that's the only thing he can do; it's adorable. Anyway, I had a bad feeling about him from the beginning; it was clear Vanessa wanted the baby, and Mark was like, "Yeah...not so much," but he was too much of a pussy to say anything. Then when he told Juno he composed music for commercials, I was like, "Yeah, he's totally happy with his life, this aging sellout. Not." And then he said that thing about Vanessa's getting upset when he doesn't "contribute," and he's clearly trying to paint her as a controlling shrew or whatever, but Juno, to her credit, totally doesn't fall for it, because she gets to see just how badly Vanessa wants a baby, and Jennifer Garner was so perfect, playing that. That scene in the mall kind of killed me. I totally love her again. And I saw a picture of her own real kid recently, and she has got to be the cutest famous baby ever. She looks just like her mother.

Anyway! So when Mark tells Juno he's leaving Vanessa, and he's not ready to be a father, and she freaks out and says, "But you're, like, old!" and he says, "How do you see me?" I got so skeeved out. Clearly, Juno just admired his taste in music and movies, but he was, like, "Yeah, I still got it. Teenage girls waaaant me." Or something, you know? Like he could still be cool? And poor Juno had no idea--she just liked him, utterly innocently. And in that way, she was a total sixteen-year-old, naive to the way the world really works. Or whatever.

I've been thinking about how to rebut the "nobody talks like that" criticism, and I really think Juno's the only one who falls into that trap (and Rainn Wilson's gas station clerk, obviously), but isn't that the point? It's not quite a Dawson's Creek scenario, where the teenagers are so goddamned pretentious. I didn't find anything pretentious about Juno--she was just this odd combination of overly articulate or witty thoughts and bad teenage slang. I dug it, I dunno. Especially this: "I need to procure a hasty abortion," because, really, how hard must it be to be sixteen and to say that you need to terminate a pregnancy? Put some wit into it, and maybe it's easier to say. And of course it doesn't work--she tries to make it easy for her to say, and whoever's on the other line can't understand her, so she has to say it straight.

And, as always, Allison Janney is among the best things about a movie in which she's only a supporting character. Also! Sean from Degrassi was randomly some lame-o high school punk! That totally made my night.

Now to move on to something completely unrelated: I had the best New Year's Eve. Allison's family hosted a bonfire in their backyard, and we spent hours out in the snow, watching the fire and staring at the sky and drinking frosty beers. But the best part was that she and her brothers and her dad had constructed this snow tube run in the backyard, and it was, like, perfect. We went down that thing so many times, and it never got boring. We even went down with beers a few times, because who can bear to be separated from their alcoholic beverages? Not us. Shaking up the booze, though, made it flat, but whatever. Once the fire had died down, Allison lured me inside with 3o Rock DVDs, so I didn't get home until four. That's the latest I've stayed up in a while--and certainly the latest I've stayed up on New Year's Eve, which I usually ring in by watching some marathon or other on tv and falling asleep at 1 am. New Year's Eve is such an overrated holiday.

I can't believe I forgot this, but while I was at the Starbucks part of Barnes & Noble, I overheard these two 'mos talking about the Spice Girls, and they started discussing the various solo career attempts, and one of them waxed gay about Melanie C. and was all, "She was the only one who could really sing, anyway. And she's really big in Europe. Remember that song 'I Turn to You'? That whole record, Northern Star, was actually pretty good." And his friend was, like, agreeing, but it was clear that he didn't really care. But I loved every second of it.

I cannot even begin to tell you how much I hate Sugar Ray. I hate them. "Fly" just came on the radio at work, and I, like, started grinding my teeth without even realizing it. They are the worst.

And, hey! Ellen Page was Kitty Pryde in the bombtastic third X-Men film. I was not aware of that. I don't even remembering Kitty Pryde doing anything in the bombtastic third X-Men film, because I only saw it once, and it, you know, bombed, which was so sad because X2 was definitely the best comic book movie out of this glut of comic book movies. Although I didn't see the new Batman or the new Superman, because by the time they came out, Ryan wasn't around to drag me. Still, even though Superman has Parker Posey, Famke Janssen is so hot in X2, nothing will beat that movie.

I decided to keep track of how many times iTunes played a Brandi Carlile song while on shuffle. I shuffled through 5300 songs for approximately five hours, and it played nine different Brandi Carlile songs:
"Love Me Tender" (with Chris Isaak)
"Calling All Angels" (with Tiffany, live at the Higher Ground)
"The Story" (live from the WXPN All About the Music Festival)
"The Clock" (live at Central Washington University)
"Someday Never Comes" (live at the Triple Door)
"Hallelujah" (live at the Cutting Room)
"Fall Apart Again" (live at Easy Street Records)
"Blue Eyes Cryin' in the Rain" (live at the Cutting Room)
"Hallelujah" (KCRW.com)

Books of 2007

Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit by Jeanette Winterson
Lady Knight by L-J Baker
Spindle's End by Robin McKinley
You're the Best!: 14 Stories about Friendship by Belinda Hollyer, et. al
Not the Only One: Lesbian & Gay Fiction for Teens by Jane Summer, et. al
Lyra's Oxford by Philip Pullman
The Neverending Story by Michael Ende
I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert
The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test by Tom Wolfe
Farmer Boy by Laura Ingalls Wilder
Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder
Fingersmith by Sarah Waters
Stardust by Neil Gaiman
Lost in a Good Book by Jasper Fforde
The Cat's Pajamas by Ray Bradbury
The Amber Spyglass by Philip Pullman
Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder
The Subtle Knife by Philip Pullman
The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling
Am I Blue?: Coming Out of the Silence by Marion Dane Bauer, et. al
That Summer by Sarah Dessen
Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen
Beauty: A Retelling of the Story of Beauty and the Beast by Robin McKinley
Dynasty of Rogues by Jane Fletcher
Once Upon a Dyke: New Exploits of Fairy Tale Lesbians by Karin Kallmaker, et al.
18th & Castro by Karin Kallmaker
Rangers at Roadsend by Jane Fletcher
Good Moon Rising by Nancy Garden
The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger
The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym by Edgar Allan Poe
The Rules for Hearts by Sara Ryan
Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser
Moby-Dick by Herman Melville
Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
Paradise Lost by John Milton
The Divine Comedy: Inferno by Dante
Living to Tell the Tale by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The General in His Labyrinth by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Autumn of the Patriarch by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac
Rakkety Tam by Brian Jacques
Taggerung by Brian Jacques
Bradbury Stories: 100 of His Most Celebrated Tales by Ray Bradbury
Nora and Liz by Nancy Garden
Keeping You a Secret by Julie Anne Peters
Shoulders by Georgia Cotrell
The Walls of Westernfort by Jane Fletcher
The Temple at Landfall by Jane Fletcher
Pages for You by Sylvia Brownrigg
A Live Coal in the Sea by Madeleine L’Engle
Television without Pity by Tara Ariano & Sarah Bunting
I Have Chosen to Stay and Fight by Margaret Cho
Party Princess by Meg Cabot
Princess in Training by Meg Cabot
Princess in Pink by Meg Cabot
Princess in Waiting by Meg Cabot
Princess in Love by Meg Cabot
Princess in the Spotlight by Meg Cabot
The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot

Best Book Overall: The Amber Spyglass by Philip Pullman
Best Book Actually Released in 2007: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling
Best New Author: Philip Pullman
Best Surprise: The Neverending Story by Michael Ende
Guiltiest Pleasure: The Princess Diaries series by Meg Cabot
Most Disappointing Book: Shoulders by Georgia Cotrell
Worst Book Overall: The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger